“...and I’m hungry like the WOOOOOLF!”

THE NORTHMAN

The Abridged Script

The Northman
An Abridged Reading

Too tired to read? Have this script read to you with an Abridged Reading, courtesy of Movie Snark.

FADE IN:

INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES

QUEEN NICÖLE KIDMÄN and her son ØSCAR NÖVAK welcome KING ETHAN HÅWKE.

NICÖLE KIDMÄN

Greetings, noble husband whom I definitely do not despise at all. I trust your ravaging was of the most pleasant sort?

ETHAN HÅWKE

I am made joyous by my return home, fair lady, so I might slake mine thirst for mead and -- hang on, are we seriously going to talk like this the entire time?

They ARE. But suddenly, a THUNDERCLOUD made of BROODING RAGE interrupts the frivolities and takes human form as CLÄES BANG.

ØSCAR NÖVAK

Uh, dad, who’s that?

ETHAN HÅWKE

Oh, that’s just my deadbeat brother. Don’t mind him; he loves it when I publicly shit all over him. Har har, don’t ya, buddy?

(slaps CLÄES on the back)

CLÄES BANG

(grips mead horn until it shatters)

ETHAN HÅWKE

He especially likes hearing how he’ll never be king unless I like, die, or something.

(gives CLÄES a noogie)

Also his dick is small.

NICÖLE KIDMÄN

(laughs way too loud)

Oh, I’m sure it’s actually great -- er, I mean, I assume it is -- it’s not like I’ve actually seen it myself or anything!

INT. HISTORICALLY ACCURATE VIKING DRUG CAVE

ETHAN and ØSCAR visit JESTER WILLEM DAFÖE to get HIGH AS BALLS and FART.

ØSCAR NÖVAK

How exactly is this supposed to help me become a better ruler?

ETHAN HÅWKE

(vacuuming up shrooms)

FUCK IF I KNOW

Suddenly, MASKED MEN attack!

ETHAN HÅWKE

(arrowed)

Who could it beeeee

(stabbed)

CLÄES BANG

(immediately takes off helmet)

Ta da!

HENCHMAN

Øscar’s getting away -- shouldn’t we be chasing him?

CLÄES BANG

No, no, first let him watch me murder Ethan. THEN go after him!

ETHAN HÅWKE

For a Viking, you kinda suck at murder, don’t you?

(decapitated)

ØSCAR NÖVAK

Oh no, I’d better hide!

ØSCAR wraps himself in a BRIGHT RED BLANKET but somehow still ESCAPES.

EXT. MANY CROSSFIT SESSIONS LATER

ØSCAR has grown up to become ALEXANDER SKARSGÅRD.

ALEXANDER SKARSGÅRD

(broods)

I’m now a killing machine whose entire existence is centered on slaughtering and enslaving other people, but I still can’t wait to skullfuck Cläes for slaughtering my dad and enslaving my mom.

(grimaces)

Hmm, what’s that? “I-ron-y?”

(lives in glass mead hall, throws stones)

GUSTAF SKARSGÅRD

Sup! I’m here too.

(sighs)

Okay not really, but how fun would it have been to give Floki a cameo?

ALEXANDER and his BERSERKER BROS brutally invade OLD-TIMEY UKRAINE and -- fuck. Uhhh. Oh hey, look over there, it’s BJÖRK dressed as PLANT-BASED QUEEN AMIDALA!

BJÖRK

This is still only the seventy-third weirdest thing I’ve ever worn. Anyhoo, Cläes got bitchslapped by the Norse equivalent of karma and lives on a dinky farm in Iceland now.

ALEXANDER SKARSGÅRD

Time for swift vengeance at last!

BJÖRK

Or you could give yourself an elaborate slave-chic makeover, get captured on purpose, and just hope Cläes wants to buy you -- assuming you even survive the dangerous voyage.

ALEXANDER SKARSGÅRD

(does so)

How do you do, fellow slaves?

ÅNYA TAYLÖR-JOY

That would be more convincing if you weren’t a 6’ 4” Aryan himbo with resting pillage face and a name so fucking Nordic you didn’t even have to change it for this script.

EXT. SKYRIM ICELAND

CLÄES goes SLAVE SHOPPING with his son GÜSTAV LINDH.

GÜSTAV LINDH

Swerve, peasants. I’m a haughty bitch.

(flips hair)

ALEXANDER SKARSGÅRD

(glowers)

(double middle finger)

(pees on Cläes’s prized sheep)

CLÄES BANG

You’re hired! And you too, Anya, What do you say we...

(points at last name)

NICÖLE KIDMÄN

Ahem, we’re married now, remember? Keep it in your chainmail.

INT. ANOTHER TRIPPY CAVE

ALEXANDER hangs out with WILLEM DAFÖE’S SKULL.

ALEXANDER SKARSGÅRD

Wait...did I even do drugs this time?

WILLEM DAFÖE’S SKULL

Cläes had me tortured to death for telling too many jokes about him. I tell ya, Chris Rock got off easy.

ALEXANDER SKARSGÅRD

Alas, poor Willem.

(thoughtful pause)

OH. Riiight. I just remembered this is the story that Hamlet’s based on.

WILLEM DAFÖE’S SKULL

Just now? Your character’s name is “Amleth.”

(sighs)

Whatever, just go graverobbing for a magic sword already. It’s magic because you can’t even use it unless it’s nighttime.

ALEXANDER SKARSGÅRD

That makes so much more sense than oh, I dunno, using a boring regular sword.

DIRECTOR ROBERT EGGERS copy-pastes in the Conan the Barbarian scene where our hero raids a ZOMBIE KING’S TOMB except this time they ACTUALLY FIGHT or MAYBE THEY DON’T WHAAAT?!

EXT. BACK ON THE FARM

ALEXANDER uses the sword to immediately kill CLÄES carve up HENCHMEN into various METAL ALBUM COVERS and then HIDES IT.

ALEXANDER SKARSGÅRD

And now it’s time for a game of Viking Field Hockey!

But NICÖLE’S younger son ELLIÖTT RÖSE sneaks onto the field!

ELLIÖTT RÖSE

Tra-la-la, look at me, mom! I’m taunting the one guy in Iceland who’s even bigger than Alexander!

(flattened)

ALEXANDER saves ELLIÖTT by BUTCHERING THE OTHER TEAM.

GÜSTAV LINDH

(golf clapping)

You may now bang Ånya.

ALEXANDER SKARSGÅRD

Don’t mind if I do!

ÅNYA TAYLÖR-JOY

And even though I’m twenty years younger and you helped murder my whole village, I am also now into you for some reason.

ALEXANDER SKARSGÅRD

(flexes Ragnarok-hard abs)

ÅNYA TAYLÖR-JOY

Make that six reasons! But hey, now can you kill Claes?

ALEXANDER SKARSGÅRD

(consults Robert Eggers bingo card)

Let’s see, I’ve already got “naked pagan forest dancing” and “Willem in a silly hat”...but I’m still missing “Anya on a haunted farm!” Maybe you could help?

ÅNYA TAYLÖR-JOY

(cracks neck)

I’m the VVitch, bitch.

ÅNYA uses her VVITCHCRAFT to BEVVITCH a bunch of the VVIKINGS into VVHACKING THEIR OWN HEADS OFF. Meanwhile, ALEXANDER attempts to rescue NICÖLE.

NICÖLE KIDMÄN

Soooo...actually Ethan was a rapey piece of shit and I begged Cläes to kill you both.

(pause)

Also we should fuck.

ALEXANDER SKARSGÅRD

Enough of your big little lies!

Enraged, ALEXANDER steals GÜSTAV’S HEART.

GÜSTAV LINDH

Ooh, like in a romantic-fanfic-y way? Or --

LITERALLY.

GÜSTAV LINDH

Shit.

(dead)

CLÄES buries a WAX MODEL of GÜSTAV with the prayer from The 13th Warrior.

DIRECTOR ROBERT EGGERS

(adjusting glasses)

Ahem, it’s actually adapted from the historical traveler Ibn Fadlan’s tenth-century account of a Viking funeral --

ALEXANDER SKARSGÅRD

You like research, WE GET IT. But it’s finally time for the revenge I’ve been planning all my life! If only I could actually use this --

(curbstomped)

magic --

(flayed alive)

fucking --

(run over by Viking ship)

sword.

EXT. ITUNES VISUALIZER VALHALLA

ÅNYA uses VAGUE BIRD MAGIC to rescue ALEXANDER, who by now is just a RAW STEAK SLATHERED IN RASPBERRY JAM.

ÅNYA TAYLÖR-JOY

Nothing that a hot spring and gratuitous shot of my ass can’t fix!

They FLEE on a BOAT captained by RALPH INESÖN.

RALPH INESÖN

Now that you’re free, would you like to live deliciously?

ÅNYA TAYLÖR-JOY

Whee! Also, my eggö is preggö.

ALEXANDER SKARSGÅRD

Cläes won’t let us alone if he finds out -- MUST KILL!

ÅNYA TAYLÖR-JOY

But you were just starting to show some actual character growth and believe there was more to life than revenge --

ALEXANDER SKARSGÅRD

(already halfway back to Iceland)

Byyyyyyeee

EXT. HAUNTED MURDER FARM

ALEXANDER massacres the surprisingly high number of HENCHMEN still hanging around.

NICÖLE KIDMÄN

Ooh, did you come back to sex me? Er, I mean axe me! It’s not like I actually still want to fuck WINK WINK but aaaanyhoo --

NICÖLE pulls a SWORD out of a KABOOM CEREAL BOX and attacks, but ALEXANDER KILLS HER in front of ELLIÖTT!

ALEXANDER SKARSGÅRD

Elliött, it was not my intention to do this in front of you. For that I'm sorry. But you can take my word for it, your mother had it comin'. When you grow up, if you still feel raw about it, I'll be waiting.

ELLIÖTT RÖSE

Hmm. Sounds reasonable, but on the other hand...STAB STAB STABBY STAB!

(is stabbed himself)

ALEXANDER SKARSGÅRD

Well damn, what a thought-provoking development that really makes me question the cost of this lifelong vengeance boner and --

CLÄES BANG

Wanna sword fight naked on an erupting volcano?

ALEXANDER SKARSGÅRD

FUCK YEAH I DO

(headbangs)

EXT. MUSTAFARHEIM

They CROSS SWORDS for a while (heh) and finally STAB the FUCK out of each other. Before dying, ALEXANDER has a vision of ÅNYA with their KIDS.

ALEXANDER SKARSGÅRD

Ooh, Björk’s prophecy was right -- this all happened to set up my daughter one day becoming a maiden-king!

ÅNYA TAYLÖR-JOY

So, you mean like...a queen? What an odd gambit.

END

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