FADE IN:

EXT. BARREN, WIND-SHORN NEW ENGLAND ISLET DEVOID OF GOD’S MERCY, COMPARE TRIPS TODAY ON EXPEDIA!

We open on-

LIGHTHOUSE

(BWWOOOOOO!!)

Ahem.

We open on young ROBERT PATTINSON, a lad of mayhaps eight-and-twenty summers, STIFF of CHEEK and BROAD of SHOULDER, with still perhaps a whisp of BOYISHNESS to his features that his impressive MUSTACHE cannot conceal. He arrives upon that BARREN SPIT of SHALE and marches his way up to the LIGHTHOUSE, rolling backpack in one hand, bag lunch in t’other.

ROBERT PATTINSON

(entering)

Ahoy, captain. Here ‘bout the seasonal gig turnin’ the light wheelie up yonder. Thought mayhaps you-

WILLEM DAFOE

(crazy-eyed, spittle-flying)

NONE MAY LAY HANDS UPON THE LIGHT BUT ME!

(composes himself)

(drinks a quart of moonshine)

Cry pardon, lad. But we has a way of doin’ things here on this hell-scraped fissure. The way be thus - I, as captainly supervisor, tell ‘ye what to do, and ‘ye, as piss-pantsed, fecal-stained intern, does me bidding with nary a whimper nor scowl. Be that clear to ya?

ROBERT PATTINSON

(seethes)

Aye, sir. ‘Tis well enough for the likes of me, mysterious shameful backstory notwithstandin’.

WILLEM DAFOE

You mean Twilight?

ROBERT PATTINSON

(seethes)

Yeah okay, let’s get the Twilight jokes out of the way early. But praytell, where be my predecessor? I were hoping to peruse of his Glassdoor reviews, to see if this job’s worth the commute.

WILLEM DAFOE

Speak not of the lad what came before ‘ye! Went mad he did, and then died mysteriously, and that’s the last we’ll speak of it!

ROBERT PATTINSON

That... that should absolutely NOT be the last we speak of-

WILLEM DAFOE

YOU’LL TAKE THE BOTTOM BUNK OR FACE THE WRATH OF NEPTUNE’S FURY!

(drinks two quarts of moonshine)

(farts himself to sleep)

Reluctantly, ROBERT lies down in the other bunk. Underneath his pillow, he discovers a MERMAID FIGURINE.

ROBERT PATTINSON

On second thought, maybe I DON’T need to know more about this guy.

EXT. WINDBLOWN GULLY FRAMED BY TOWERING SPEWS OF SEAFOAM

ROBERT tends to his duties with FERVOR, VIM, and GUSTO. He tiles the ROOF, shines the BOILER, fixes the WIFI, and shovels COAL into WHEELBARROWS and POOP into POOPBARROWS. He carts SUNDRIES down the rocky, shoreside path.

ROBERT PATTINSON

The life of a wickie ain’t for soft folk, it seems. But it suits a rough workhorse like me. Mayhaps I’ll find a measure of peace here on this-

His BARROW pitches over a ROCK and SPILLS.

ROBERT PATTINSON

(seethes)

Awfully artsy cinematography we’re having today. Lovely thought it all is, sometimes I’d kind of like to see where I’m goin’.

He rights his CART, steadies his breath, and PLOWS right into the SIDE of the FRAME.

ROBERT PATTINSON

WHY. WHY IS THIS WHOLE FILM SHOT IN POSTAGE STAMP ASPECT RATIO.

He breathes, counts to ten, and immediately WANDERS OFF A CLIFFSIDE that looked like a SHADOW, because this film was shot on TINTYPE and DEVELOPED in BATTERY ACID. Director ROBERT EGGERS laughs.

That evening, a bruised and battered ROBERT arrives at the SUPPLY shed. A ONE-EYED SEAGULL blocks his path.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Give way, seabird. I’ve had one hell of a Monday.

ONE-EYED SEAGULL

Caw-caw! Caw-caw!

ROBERT PATTINSON

Hey fuck you, man.

ONE-EYED SEAGULL

Caw-caw! Skreeeaw!

ROBERT PATTINSON

I’m a GREAT choice for Batman! What are you talking about?! I’ve got range, I can-

ONE-EYED SEAGULL

SKRAW!

ROBERT PATTINSON

I WORKED HARD ON THIS MUSTACHE, YOU PIECE OF-

ONE-EYED SEAGULL

(flies)

(craps on him)

ROBERT PATTINSON

I swear, if ONE MORE THING pisses me off today, by god I am going to seethe so fucking-

LIGHTHOUSE

(BWWOOOOOO!!)

ROBERT PATTINSON

GODDAMMIT!

(seethes)

INT. RAMSHACKLE LODGINGS

WILLEM and ROBERT sit down to a fine supper of STEWED MEAT SCRAPS in SALT BRINE with MOLDY BREAD and FAYGO.

WILLEM DAFOE

How fair’d ye on yer first turn ‘round this speck o’ dirt?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Can’t complain. Literally. You’ll scream at me.

WILLEM DAFOE

Aye, that be the way o’ things here on Suspense Island. But I warn ye not to irk the gulls, boy. The legends say one who kills a seabird is doomed to never receive an Oscar nomination.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Yeah, I saw you watchin’ me from the lighthouse earlier. I also think I saw you prancing around naked in front of the light, and let me tell you, your saggy ass is the closest thing I’ve had to a proper scare in this whole flick so far.

WILLEM DAFOE

Wait ‘til you see me tentacle penis!

ROBERT PATTINSON

Your what now?

WILLEM DAFOE

‘Night, lad. Be sure to NEVER APPROACH THE LIGHT ABOVE LEST YER SOUL BE SMOTE UPON THE SHIT-STAINED ROCKS OF THE WESTWARD SHORE and also its your night to do dishes.

(drinks a quart of moonshine)

(pisses himself to sleep)

That night, ROBERT’s curiosity spurs him from his bunk up the SPIRAL STAIRS to the GREAT LAMP. He peers up through the locked grating at the vague form of WILLEM, who stares into the light, entranced.

ROBERT PATTINSON

What be his secret up yonder? What manner of magics rest in that twirling candelabra?

He hears WILLEM moan and roughly a BUCKET of FLUID falls through the grating.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Oh fuck oh fuck why is this film in black and white, I can’t tell if that was jizz or-

He sees what appears to be a GREAT MASS OF TENTACLES erupt in the LIGHT ROOM above.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Oh thank god, it’s just demon-squid slime. Wait, what?

ROBERT sneaks downstairs, praying to DAVY JONES that this was all just a hallucination.

WILLEM DAFOE

(smoking a cigarette)

(to the lamp)

...were it good for ye, too?

EXT. BLIGHTED SOIL CHOKED BY BEACHGRASS

ROBERT continues his duties with RESENTMENT, EMNITY, and MALAISE. He paints the WALLS, mops the FLOOR, changes the VCR CLOCK, and puts DRINKING WATER in the CISTERN and PISSWATER in the RESERVOIR.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Wait, I got that last one backwards. Ugh, Willem’s Borderline Personality Insanity won’t let me live that down. I better fix it before he gets all cross-eyed.

He goes to clean out the RESERVOIR and discovers the ONE-EYED GULL again.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Not now, demon bird. I’ve had a hell of a week.

ONE-EYED SEAGULL

Caw! Skraw-caw!

ROBERT PATTINSON

Remember Me was fine! The 9/11 thing wasn’t exploitative, it was the whole point of-

ONE-EYED SEAGULL

Skreeeeeeya-ca-caw!

ROBERT PATTINSON

Yeah, fair enough. Cosmopolis wasn’t my best work, I’m just a fan of Cronenberg and-

ONE-EYED SEAGULL

Erk!

ROBERT PATTINSON

THAT’S IT!

ROBERT seizes the GULL and begins SMASHING IT TO DEATH like a CHIHUAHUA with a SOCK.

ROBERT PATTINSON

TWILIGHT

(smash)

WAS A

(smash)

FUCKING

(smash)

PAYCHECK

(smash)

GET

(smash)

OVER

(smash)

IT.

He breathes himself calm and stares down at the ruined bird before him.

ROBERT PATTINSON

That... that was not my best moment. Count to ten, Robbie. Breath in slow and let it-

LIGHTHOUSE

(BWOOOOO!)

ROBERT PATTINSON

GAH JESUS PICK A VOLUME, EGGERS, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!

DIRECTOR ROBERT EGGERS flips him off.

EXT. SHORELINE WHERE MAN’S LIMITED COMPREHENDING MEETS THE FATHOMLESS SEA

As ROBERT trudges back to the LODGE, a mysterious wind comes over him.

ROBERT PATTINSON

(sniffs)

What’s that? The briny tang of cod? Oof, it stirs my underutilized loins, that’s a certainty. Maybe I should dig up that mermaid doll again, t’would make a fine model for a body pillow, says I.

He trips over an ACTUAL HONEST TO GOD MERMAID.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Oh praise be to Neptune, an anatomically-correct half-lady! I ain’t had nary a Tinder match in six weeks!

He falls upon the MERMAID and becomes OVERCOME with LUST. But then some STOCK FOOTAGE of TENTACLE PORN interrupts his OVERTURES.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Come on, Rob, focus up here. I’m sorry, fish lady, I swear to god this never happens to me...

The MERMAID reveals her HORRIFYING FISH VAGINA. NO REALLY.

ROBERT PATTINSON

(fleeing)

AAAAHHHH WHAT IS IT WITH ME AND FUCKING MYTHICAL CREATURES DOES MY AGENT HAVE A KINK OR SOMETHING AHHHHHH!!!!

INT. LODGINGS

WILLEM DAFOE

Thar ‘ye be, lad. Why you’re pale as a vampire in the sun, y’are. Have a bucket or two of moonshine, that warms me cockles just fine.

ROBERT PATTINSON

(shellshocked)

I’ve had a rough day, Will. I’m a bit put off liquids right now.

WILLEM DAFOE

Drink with me, boy! Or you’ll face the PEER PRESSURE OF OLD DAVEY JONES, WHAT TREADS THE WATERS WITH THE-

ROBERT PATTINSON

God, fine, yes, whatever, load me up, grandpa. Just stop with the maritime homilies, you sound like that Spongebob pirate.

They both drink few MOONSHINE-TINIS and chase them down with several MOONSHINE-ARITAS and cap off with two LONG ISLAND ICED MOONSHINES apiece. Having drunk himself past the SEETHING phase of his performance, ROBERT moves on to the OVERACTING portion.

ROBERT PATTINSON

(stumbling)

I been watchin’ (hic) Daniel Day-Lewis movies, ya like ‘em? He’s (hic) great. I thought I’d get an Oscar for sure if (hic) mashed up all his movies together. You like my accent? It’s Gangs of New York. I’ve got some (hic) Daniel Plainview vibes going here now too...

WILLEM DAFOE

Ach, lads these days. Can’t hold their liquor, spillin’ backstories all here and yon.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Oh, that’s not the best of it. Truth is I ain’t who I says I is. I killed a man and stole his name. Or maybe I had other feelings for him, he seems to flash by in my (hic) tentacle porn hallucinations a lot.

WILLEM DAFOE

Hmm. Fair enough.

ROBERT PATTINSON

(finishing third bottle)

You’re taking all this in remarkable stride, I must say.

WILLEM DAFOE

Oh, I’ve grown fond of ye, lad, I shan’t deny it. Fine seaman, y’are. And I’ve had loads of seaman on this here rock. Why it warms me cockles to have loads of seaman all about me!

ROBERT PATTINSON

I... you’re... am I picking up a subtext here or...?

WILLEM DAFOE

What?! Yer daft, boy! What innuendos could there be between two lonesome men, miles from civilization, sharing drink, breaking bread, catching crabs, swabbing the decks, spit-shining the engines, sometimes wrestling, cave-diving, gripping fishing rods, fisting the-

ROBERT punches him. They BAREKNUCKLE BOX for a little.

WILLEM DAFOE

YER FACE LOOKS LIKE A FOOT!

(punch)

ROBERT PATTINSON

YEAH WELL YOUR FACE LOOKS LIKE A SCROTUM STRETCHED OVER A KABUKI MASK!

(punch)

WILLEM DAFOE

YOUR BEST PERFORMANCE WAS AS CEDRIC DIGGORY’S CORPSE!

(punch)

ROBERT PATTINSON

WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU SMOKING IN THE SPIDERMAN MOVIES?!

(punch)

WILLEM DAFOE

CRACK!

After they BEAT EACH OTHER SENSELESS, they decide to DANCE IT OUT, then HUG IT OUT. Hours later, they rest in each other’s arms.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Glad we got all that, ahem, completely heterosexual tension out of the way, Will. I hope we can still be friends.

WILLEM DAFOE

Ye as well, Rob. I apologize for me frequent outbursts, but this lonely life does things to a man.

ROBERT PATTINSON

You’re a fine captain, Willem. Your food sucks, but otherwise you’ve done right by-

WILLEM DAFOE

(exploding with the fury of ten thousand gales, eyes maddened with knowledge of the eternal recesses of the earth’s jagged peaks that lay beneath the waves brine and salt that is man’s knowing)

WHAT THE FUCK DIDST THOU JUST FUCKING PROCLAIM AT ME, THY PUTRID SLUG?! KNOWEST YE THAT I CAPTAINED MANY A TRIM AND PROPER SEACRAFT AND HAVE OVER 300 CONFIRMED VOYAGES. I MADE ME BONES CASTING SAIL IN THE BANSHEE’S MAW ‘ROUND THE HORN, AND I AM THE TOP LIGHTHOUSE-MASTER IN ALL THE EASTERN SEABOARD. THOU ART NOTHING BUT A MEWLING GREENHORN. I SHALL CAST YER BONES TO THE CRABS AND SCUTTLERS WITH PRECISION OF WHICH HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE ON THIS ISLAND, MARK MY FUCKING WORDS.

WILLEM either CALMS DOWN or has a STROKE, it’s hard to tell. ROBERT stares at him.

ROBERT PATTINSON

No u

(drinks quart of moonshine)

(pukes himself to sleep)

INT. LODGINGS - HANGOVER O’CLOCK

ROBERT awakens and discovers the ENTIRE PLACE is even MORE TRASHED than when he first got there.

ROBERT PATTINSON

(rubbing head)

Ugh, this place looks like a mosh pit at an antiques roadshow. Great summer, Willem, but I’m off to the mainland. I’ve got a Batsuit fitting and I need to practice my accent.

WILLEM DAFOE

Off, you say? Why that were weeks ago! Storm winds changed mysterious-like and your relief boat went fucky.

ROBERT PATTINSON

I... what? No way I was on a weeks long bender. Just had a rough night is all.

WILLEM DAFOE

(holding aloft a gaslight)

Went crazy with drink, ye did. Listen to old Uncle Willem. We must needs batten them hatches, a storms a-brewin’.

ROBERT PATTINSON

I’m not sure I believe you.

WILLEM DAFOE

YE’LL BELIEVE WHAT I SAYS YE’LL BELIEVE, NOW GET TO HATCH-BATTENIN’!

ROBERT PATTINSON

Looks like I got some more seething to do.

(seethes)

ROBERT attends to his duties with RAGE, WRATH, and JOIE DE VIVRE just kidding HATRED. He boards the WINDOWS, scours the FLOORBOARDS, waters the BONSAI, and hammers the BOILER while also getting HAMMERED himself. By the shoreline, he reels in the CRAB POT.

ROBERT PATTINSON

(grumbling)

Only so much aggravation a body can stand, s’all I’m sayin’. I’m out here in the rain yanking sea insects out of the brine while he’s upstairs fucking a lamp. It ain’t right, says I. It ain’t-

He discovers a ONE-EYED HUMAN HEAD in the crab pot.

ROBERT PATTINSON

AAAHHHHH THIS IS THE THIRD SCARIEST THING I’VE SEEN ON THIS ISLAND BEHIND THE MERMAID VAGINA AND WILLEM’S NAKED BODY WAIT AND THE TENTACLE PORN OKAY ITS ACTUALLY PRETTY MILD ALL THINGS CONSIDERED AAAAHHHHH!!!!

He flees to the island’s only ROWBOAT and tries to LAUNCH IT. WILLEM appears with an AXE and begins WRECKING the boat.

WILLEM DAFOE

DON’T MIND ME LAD, JUST-

(smash)

DOIN’ SOME ROUTINE MAINTENANCE ON THIS-

(smash)

SKIFF HERE. BETTER AXE IT A-

(smash)

FEW MORE TIMES JUST TO BE-

(smash)

CERTAIN.

ROBERT runs back to the CABIN with the AXE-WIELDING WILLEM in hot pursuit.

ROBERT PATTINSON

(seethes)

Hold there, crazy man! I seen what ya did! I seen how ya gave your old partner head I MEAN chopped off his head!

WILLEM DAFOE

Yer crazed, lad. Crack open yonder cold one and set with me a while. We may be stranded, but that doesn’t mean we can’t get lit.

ROBERT PATTINSON

No, YOU’RE the one who’s batshit! I’m sick of it! I’m sick of the long hours, the grueling work conditions, the emotional abuse, the lack of gluten-free options in the vending machine. I hereby rebel against you! Rebel, I say!

WILLEM DAFOE

Saw this comin’, I did. ‘Tis the problem with yer generation, lad. No work ethic. Why, ye been mewlin’ like a babe e’er since you landed on this rock, moanin’ for cotton sheets and handjobs. Back in my dad, we made our OWN handjobs, and we was pleased, dammit! I can no longer sanction this snowflakery. I’m revokin’ yer pay!

(drinks five quarts of moonshine)

And quit callin’ me crazy. Hurts me feelings, it does.

ROBERT PATTINSON

You... you JUST chased me in here with an axe.

WILLEM DAFOE

You chased ME with an axe!

ROBERT PATTINSON

Bro, my dream sequences on this island have a lot of Rule 34 to ‘em. I’m pretty damn sure that last part was real.

WILLEM DAFOE

(transforming into a fucking naked sea god crowned in coral and writhing with wet tentacles)

RULE 34, YE SAY!?!

ROBERT PATTINSON

WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I BEEN DRINKING?!?!

ROBERT does the rational thing and POPS a few XANAX to calm down starts BEATING THE EVERLOVING PISS out of WILLEM DAFOE’S CTHULHU COSPLAY.

ROBERT PATTINSON

I AM

(punch)

SO FUCKING

(punch)

SICK OF FEATURING IN

(punch)

SOMEONE’S PORNY

(punch)

THIRSTY-ASS

(punch)

FAN FICTION

(punch)

The madness passes. ROBERT stands over the beaten WILLEM, now looking HUMAN as HUMAN as he EVER LOOKS. ROBERT drinks a quart of GASOLINE and flips off DIRECTOR ROBERT EGGERS.

EXT. PASTORAL HILLOCK ‘NEATH THE DIVINE GLARE OF THE LIGHTHOUSE

ROBERT fucking WALKS WILLEM on a LEASH like a DOG no really.

WILLEM DAFOE

Thought ye said ye were done with slashfic.

ROBERT PATTINSON

I’ve decided to embrace this part of myself. Now get in the kink-hole, pupper.

WILLEM lays down in the dirt. ROBERT begins BURYING HIM.

WILLEM DAFOE

(weakly)

Kids these days... can’t work a shovel... back in my day I’d be... buried by now... I’ll be... reportin’ this to the... temp agency and... don’t expect a referral...

ROBERT PATTINSON

Okay, boomer.

ROBERT leaves the job HALF-FINISHED like the SLACKER he is. He seizes the KEY and goes to climb to the LIGHT.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Now, at long last, I can-

WILLEM DAFOE

(pops back up with an axe)

ROBERT PATTINSON

(takes axe)

(kills WILLEM)

Now, at long last, I can be alone with that big, sexy sky-bulb!

He climbs up to the TOP of the LIGHTHOUSE. The mirrored lens stops spinning and OPENS for him.

ROBERT PATTINSON

What dwells within this lamp that engorged Willem’s tentacles so? I must see...

He gazes into the LENS. His face begins to contort in ORGASMIC, PAINED ECSTASY!

ROBERT PATTINSON

Ohhh, Ohhh, OOOOOHHH FUCK YES FUCK YES I CAN SEE IT, I’M A RESPECTED ACTOR NOW, I’VE GOT AN OSCAR AND AN EMMY AND ALL THOSE TWIHARDS ARE LEAVING ME ALONE, IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL, IT’S SO WONDERFUL, IT’S-

LIGHTHOUSE

(BWWOOOOOO!!)

ROBERT PATTINSON

FUCK.

He PLUMMETS from the TOWER.

EXT. CRAGS OF JUDGMENT HEWN BY STORM AND SALT, DISCOUNT TRAVEL FOR INFLUENCERS

ROBERT lies upon the beachside, disemboweled and de-eyed. His guts are in a pile upon his open chest cavity, with dozens of gulls picking at his innards and shitting on him.

ROBERT PATTINSON

...think I... overdid it... last night...

DIRECTOR ROBERT EGGERS flips him off.

END.