"Oh right, make movies people will SEE. I knew I was forgetting something."

COLOSSAL

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. DAN STEVENS' APARTMENT

DAN STEVENS is waiting in his APARTMENT, staring at his watch and tapping his foot. Suddenly the door bursts open and ANNE HATHAWAY slides in on an avalanche of empty BEER CANS and SHOT GLASSES.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Hi honey! Sorry I'm thirteen hours late for our date, but I got an emergency call from eight cases of beer which weren't being drunk by ANYBODY.

DAN STEVENS

(gritted teeth)

That's okay sweetie, I was able to fill in the time by packing all your shit into a suitcase and updating my relationship status on all my social media accounts to "Good Fucking Riddance".

ANNE HATHAWAY

Aw dang! So now not only am I unemployed and broke, but also I'm dumped and homeless. I guess I'm fucked now, unless by some crazy convenience I happen to have a big empty house just sitting there ready for me to move in, within walking distance of an old friend who owns his own business and can give me a job without my even having to ask.

(checks)

Well ain't that a coinkydink!

EXT. DULLSVILLE

ANNE moves back to her BORING HOMETOWN, where she runs into childhood friend JASON SUDEIKIS.

ANNE HATHAWAY

So are you the guy with that free job I was just mentioning? I could do with an injection of stability in my life, to help drag me out of this alcoholic rut.

JASON SUDEIKIS

Sure, I can give you a job serving alcohol at my bar full of alcohol. Wanna join me and my pals in our post-closing ritual of getting completely smashed every night? We're making those cocktails where you dump five shots of everything into a bucket then just dunk your head into it.

ANNE HATHAWAY

MAKE MINE A DOUBLE!

ANNE gets BLOTTO then SLIZZERED and finally SHITFACED, then staggers home and passes out for ten hours. When she wakes up, she learns she's missed a whole bunch of NEWS about some KAIJU.

NEWSPERSON

At five past eight Pacific Standard Time, hundreds of people were killed when Seoul was attacked by a three-hundred foot tall reptile thing with a serious case of derp face.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Holy shit, in this footage you can see the derpy monster scratch its head! I often scratch MY head! THIS CANNOT BE A COINCIDENCE! Quick, where was I at five past eight? Let me logically reconstruct my exact location at that arbitrary point of time, as people can totally do after a night of heavy drinking.

ANNE traces her movements at that time back to a PLAYGROUND.

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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