FADE IN:

EXT. HEARTLAND AMERICA

High school senior JEREMY IRVINE argues with his HOMOPHOBIC DOUCHEDAD over bein' one a dem queers.

JEREMY IRVINE

But I'm a cheerleader! I mean football player!

DOUCHEDAD

No son of mine sucks wood!

JEREMY IRVINE

Dad, all the actors in this town are made of wood, I didn't have much choice.

(grabs suitcase)

If you're gonna throw me out, fine! I'll go to New York and star in a long-overdue Oscar shoe-in about the Stonewall Riots!

DOUCHEDAD

Good luck with that.

JEREMY IRVINE

(strutting out the door)

Oh, just you wait Dad! We're gonna get the most successful openly queer director EVER to direct this movie, and THEN you'll be sorry!

DOUCHEDAD

Oh ho ho, are you now? And who IS the most successful openly queer director ever?

JEREMY IRVINE

Well it's... um... uh... Oh no... OH FUCKING NO

The DIRECTOR arrives and he is ROLAND EMMERICH.

ROLAND EMMERICH

(actual quote)

Stonewall was a white event, let's be honest.

JEREMY IRVINE

(running back toward house)

DAD! TAKE ME BACK, TAKE ME BAAAACK

EXT. CHRISTOPHER STREET, NEW YORK

JEREMY steps off the bus and finds himself surrounded by Broadway songs, brunch plans, and memes about the wisdom of Golden Girls.

JEREMY IRVINE

Uh, hi, I'm looking for the gays?

CREEPY FUCK

(leering in Jeremy's face)

You on Scruff?

JEREMY IRVINE

Uh... I'm looking for the non-scary gays?

JONNY BEAUCHAMP

Ya came to the right street corner, gurrrl! Hai I'm Jonny. Oh you so pretty. My hankies are orange-green-yellow left, charcoal-beige-teal right, what do you flag?

JEREMY IRVINE

Er... Red, white, and blue?

JONNY BEAUCHAMP

(pulling on latex glove)

You good if I breed you afterward?

JEREMY IRVINE

Oh God... are you trying to have SEX with me?!

(starts shitting himself)

JONNY BEAUCHAMP

...you're an ABDL?

JEREMY IRVINE

Gays! Icky! Sex! Ah!

JONNY sighs and puts away the anal ovipositor.

JONNY BEAUCHAMP

'Kay Imma back way up. Hai I'm Jonny, these are ma friends. Say hello to Ivory, Snowy, Paley, Ghostly, Milky, and Albino.

JEREMY IRVINE

Are you the only racial minority with any lines?

BLACK GUY

I also get-

(robs a store)

Wow I literally didn't get a full sentence and I'm already the pathological criminal.

(robs another store)

MARSHA P. JOHNSON

I'm a real-life activist who contributes to this movie by getting a title card saying I was a real-life activist.

CALEB LANDRY JONES

And I'm considering becoming a racial minority someday so that counts.

SECOND BLACK GUY

I hand you coffee at one point.

JONNY BEAUCHAMP

So watz your story, Jeremy? That obviously being the most fascinating story we could frame this with.

JEREMY IRVINE

Well, I played football in high school, but I was... BAD at it, so obviously I'm a total poof. The quarterback pressured me into sex that I did my hardest to look completely disgusted by, but finally I caved and gave him what was probably a very toothy blowjob. Now my parents won't sign my papers for a scholarship, so I have to... have to take... ONCE A WEEK SUMMER CLASSES before I can get into a prestigious university on my own! I've... I've just suffered SO MUCH!

JONNY BEAUCHAMP

We all share your suffering.

JEREMY IRVINE

Sniff... R-really?

JONNY BEAUCHAMP

Trust me honey, we're all suffering for ninety more minutes.

EXT. ALLEY

JEREMY wanders into an alley where some kind of orgy is happening, but since he doesn't have proof of vaccination he can't join in.

JEREMY IRVINE

Ew! Poofters!

ORGY

Don't come in the back room if you're gonna gawk, dude!

COPS burst in! Everyone runs! JEREMY stands there wondering how wide he should hang his jaw for this scene!

JEREMY IRVINE

Oh no, homophobes!

COP #1

We ain't no homophobes. Din't our Tom of Finland mustaches tip you off?

COP #2

We're gay rapist cops! SUCK MA DICK OR I'LL BEAT YOU!

JEREMY IRVINE

I'm sensing a very, very bad pattern here.

JEREMY tries to sleep on the streets, but JONNY invites him to sleep in a hotel room with mattresses, blankets, and a carpet made of hunky bottoms. So of course this gets a TRAGIC MUSICAL SCORE.

INT. STONEWALL BAR

JONNY and the gang invite JEREMY to the STONEWALL!

JONNY BEAUCHAMP

This is a place where we can safely be ourselves and have fun.

JEREMY walks among the dancing LGBT community for SERIOUSLY NOT EVEN FIVE SECONDS and runs into a creepy gay mafia boss who wants him for sex slavery.

JONNY BEAUCHAMP

So Jeremy, I've gotten you a place to sleep, shown you around, scared off some creeps, and will soon save you from arrest. Can you stop looking at me like I'm an unwashed butt plug?

JEREMY IRVINE

#Masc4masc

JONNY BEAUCHAMP

(bursting into actual tears)

WAHHHH! I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME FOREVER!

JEREMY IRVINE

Fucking hell, I've said maybe ten words to you.

JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS

Dance with me, Jeremy. I'm a normal gay, I don't own any tank tops and I defend J.K. Rowling on Twitter. I'm with the Mattachine Society.

JEREMY IRVINE

The Mattawhat?

JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS

We're a real-life group fighting for gay rights long before Stonewall. Our goal is to show people gays can be normal just like them! We want to pair off in suburban houses and watch sports and never, ever do ANYTHING to make the straights uncomfortable!

(grins)

Obviously rioting is a no-no.

JEREMY IRVINE

Uh-huh. How many decades have you been at this?

JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS

(builds log cabin)

We're very patient.

JEREMY IRVINE

So this is real, right? The foremost gay rights group of the era was convinced riots would hurt the cause and denounced the Stonewall fighters, only for the riots to be what finally made a difference?

JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS

Not seeing the relevance.

JEREMY IRVINE

Golly, you're right! We better spend no more time on it.

JEREMY becomes a prostitute out of desperation PEER PRESSURE. A trick takes him to an alley and pays him to STAND THERE AND GET SUCKED OFF.

JEREMY IRVINE

OHHH NOOO THE INDIGNITY, SURELY I HAVE REACHED MY LOWEST POINT

(soaking cheeks)

O CRUEL SOCIETY

CUSTOMER

Sheesh, I'm sucking YOU off. Could've offered this to anyone at the bar for free, but NO, I pick the guy who charges for it. Guess I won't ask about rimming.

JEREMY IRVINE

How do you know I wouldn't be into that?

CUSTOMER

Because your whole character is "stale vanilla wafer."

INT. POLICE STATION

Deputy MATT CRAVEN has arrested some queens.

JONNY BEAUCHAMP

Soz you pigs queer-hatin' cops lookin' to beat us?

MATT CRAVEN

Of course not! We're misunderstood heroes trying to catch Evil Mafia Boss Ron Perlman, who uses Stonewall for human trafficking and murdering children! Would you like some coffee and doughnuts? I put rainbow icing on yours!

The theater screen MISTS UP from all the condensation pouring out the audience' ears.

INT. JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS' PAD

JONATHAN and JEREMY finish having three seconds of LIGHT NIPPLE PLAY.

JEREMY IRVINE

Woof.

JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS

Oink.

JONATHAN snogs a TWINK.

JEREMY IRVINE

How dare you?!

JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS

Wait, we were exclusive?

JEREMY runs away in anguish! But he is KIDNAPPED by RON PERLMAN'S HUMAN TRAFFICKERS! They throw him in a room with a CREEPY OLD DADDY and an UGLY FAT TRANS LADY who are going to SUCK HIS DICK! AAAAAAAH-

JEREMY IRVINE

Stop. Stop the movie. What the fuck is this. This isn't Stonewall. Or LGBT rights. This is "Queers want to rape you." There's no way a movie THIS anti-queer isn't actually TRYING to be anti-queer. We are watching a director scream out all his self-hatred. I'm actually sad for you, Roland Emmerich. I am. Wait are you making fat people evil too? No I'm not sad for you any more.

JONNY saves JEREMY and they run back to STONEWALL!

INT. STONEWALL - RIOT NIGHT #1 (FUCKING FINALLY)

RON is getting ready to commit homocide when "THE PUBLIC MORALS SQUAD" HERO COPS burst in!

MATT CRAVEN

You're under arrest, Ron! How do you plead?

RON PERLMAN

So, so sorry. I signed on to play this real-life activist, but-

MATT CRAVEN

(ushering him out)

We're taking the place! Bar the doors and windows so the homos can't escape, we're getting paid per arrest here It's okay everyone, you're safe! We will now politely let you go home! Support our precinct, we sometimes boycott Chick-Fil-A!

The police divide everyone by gender and start forcibly checking their privates to determine who gets arrested calmly wave everyone out, and the crowd gets tired of peacefully complying with this bullshit.

POLICE

Hey, Matt? There's about a hundred and fifty pissed-off pansies around us, should we be concerned?

MATT CRAVEN

Pfft, queers don't rebel. They can't risk being outed, they're easy targets. What are they gonna do, POSE at us?

THE QUEERS

You bet your sweet ass we are.

The patrons pose all super-gayly. Someone hits an officer with a PURSE. They start throwing PENNIES.

POLICE

Ow! I thought you people were homeless! Shouldn't you be saving your change? OW, stop that!

THE QUEERS

Hey you're right.

(switches to throwing beer bottles)

The police start hitting people and try to keep arresting folks, and the crowd APPLAUDS.

GAY CROWD

Yay! You caught Ron!

LESBIAN

Bullshit! Ya'll aren't gonna just stand there, are ya? Why don't ya'll do something?

The crowd of four or five hundred about sixty people get really effin' mad, gurl!

JEREMY IRVINE

Alright, that does it.

Jeremy picks up a BRICK and throws it. It hits ROLAND EMMERICH in the face.

ROLAND EMMERICH

OW! What the-

JEREMY IRVINE

YES!

BLACK STREET QUEEN

(throws a brick at Stonewall)

GAY POWER!

ROLAND EMMERICH flees in terror! So do a bunch of police! The rest of THE COPS barricade themselves in the bar like scared little bitches!

MATT CRAVEN

Oh God oh God quick Johnson! Shoot them with a fire hose!

OFFICE JOHNSON

It's not working! The hose has gone completely flaccid!

MATT CRAVEN

God dammit Johnson, black people do NOT respond well to getting fire hoses pointed at them! Nobody attack! We must remain calm and noble!

HOMELESS GAY TEENS

We are going to burn your shit.

More police arrive and try to arrest folks. The crowd forms a CHORUS LINE and starts dancing. And this, THIS incenses the tiny masculine Police egos SO MUCH they completely lose their shit and just start BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF EVERYONE.

And they LOSE. Like, SO HARD.

JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS

Oh my God, they smashed a car! No, stop it, what about all those people who were juuuust about to sympathize with you for realz until they saw you destroy an empty car?

The riots continue until 4 AM. Immediately conspiracy theorists blame the BLACK PANTHERS. We are not making up any of this.

EXT. STONEWALL - RIOT NIGHTS #2,#3,#4,#5

MATT CRAVEN

Well that escalated quickly.

SEVERAL THOUSAND ANGRY PEOPLE show up, filling the surrounding blocks.

MATT CRAVEN

Oh COME ON!

MORE FIGHTS BREAK OUT! Cars get overturned! Streets are blocked! POLICE capture people only for the crowd to attack and rescue them right back! MARSHA P. JOHNSON, who is apparently a SUPERHERO, climbs a lamppost and drops a bag through a police car windshield!

MATT CRAVEN

Will you stop if we paint rainbows on the street?

The gay community COMPLETELY LOSES THEIR SHIT! Somehow they do this WITHOUT trampling anyone or threatening to kill any Congressmen! MORE NIGHTS OF RIOTING continue! Nongay people take advantage of the riots to do some looting!

Finally, with much rubble and bruises and battle cries and epic brawls, the STONEWALL RIOTS are over in 12 minutes.

JEREMY IRVINE

I shouldn't be surprised Emmerich could make all that boring.

EXT. CHRISTOPHER STREET - LATER

Having started the riots, Jeremy immediately BOUNCES and goes to college with no sacrifice whatsoever. He visits his little sister, JOEY KING.

JEREMY IRVINE

Sis, you should come to a festival we're having. It will eventually be known as the first Gay Pride Parade, so we are going to film it in black and white because those are clearly the best colors for a Gay Pride Parade.

JOEY KING

Wow, Jeremy, you're my hero! Of course I'll support you at the Pride Parade!

(frowns)

Okay I was totally into all the rainbow thongs and men wearing drag, but that guy has a mask shaped like a dog and that guy has a rubber shirt.

JEREMY IRVINE

Oh no! Stop the parade, the straights are getting uncomfortable! We have to make this a safe space for them!

GUY WEARING LEATHER

Wait, what?

This gets fought over for 54 years.

END