FADE IN:

INT. BALLET COMPANY

NATALIE PORTMAN makes doe-eyes and looks vulnerable while DANCING, or DOES SHE?  Her director, VINCENT CASSEL, speaks to all of his dancers.

VINCENT CASSEL

We will be putting on a presentation of Swan Lake, and I will need a new Swan Queen since Winona Ryder is too old now.  That's right, 30-somethings in the audience, Lydia from Beetlejuice is now OLD.

NATALIE PORTMAN

I want that part because I love ballet!  Wait, is this a Darren Aronofsky movie?  In that case, I am freakishly obsessed with ballet to the point of my own self-destruction.

VINCENT CASSEL

Well, you're in luck.  As the only straight man in ballet, I can be convinced with sexual favors.  Now plant a kiss on my ridiculously triangular face.

NATALIE PORTMAN

(mumbling)

Okay, but please try not to rape me too hard Mr. Director, sir.

VINCENT CASSEL

Whoa whoa whoa, I had no idea you were such a firecracker!  You've got the part!

INT. BARBARA HERSHEY'S HOUSE

NATALIE goes home to share the news with her mother, BARBARA HERSHEY, or DOES SHE?

NATALIE PORTMAN

Mom, I got the lead in Swan Lake!  Also my director kissed me, so now I know boys taste like hamburgers!

BARBARA HERSHEY

Natalie!  Innocent girls like you don't do things like that!  Girls who have sex are rebellious and dangerous!

NATALIE PORTMAN

Really?  It's 2010 and movies are still characterizing females as naughty or nice based on whether they are aware of what's between their legs?

BARBARA HERSHEY

As a stereotypical protective stage mother, I can't wait to see my abandoned career as a dancer rectified by your performance!  We've come so far since being on "Toddlers and Tiaras" together!

NATALIE PORTMAN

I sure am feeling a lot of pressure, I sure hope it doesn't make me go crazy!  Also, our walls are turning into fairy lava and smashing through the jiggle gussets!

INT. BALLET COMPANY

NATALIE'S BODY DOUBLE dances with her partner, BENJAMIN MILLEPIED, or DOES SHE?

VINCENT CASSEL

Natalie, you are perfect as the White Swan, but terrible as the Black Swan!  Meanwhile, Mila Kunis is the ideal Black Swan, but she's no White Swan!  If only there were any way at all to remedy this predicament, but there is no solution at all!

MILA KUNIS

Actually, it's not really that uncommon for Swan Lake to have two different dancers for--

VINCENT CASSEL

No solution at all!  Woe is me!  Natalie, the Black Swan is supposed to be seductive!  Benjamin, would you fuck this girl?

BENJAMIN MILLEPIED

Natalie Portman?  No, I'd kick Natalie Fucking Portman out of bed because she can't dance perfectly.  For the record, I'd also tell a naked Mila Kunis to go pound sand if she couldn't name all fifty states.  Jackass.

VINCENT CASSEL

Natalie, you're too repressed.  I want you to go home and touch yourself.  It will help the men in the audience justify watching a ballet movie.

NATALIE PORTMAN

You want me to what?

VINCENT CASSEL

You know, pet the kitty.  Tickle the taco.  I want you to audition your finger puppets, okay?

MILA KUNIS

Don't listen to him.  Let's go clubbing together, that'll loosen you up.  Getting hammered always relaxes me after spending a day spitting Seth MacFarlane's tired garbage through clenched teeth.

CLINT MANSELL takes the evening off, so THE CHEMICAL BROTHERS fill in.

INT. DANCE CLUB

NATALIE and MILA go to some clubs, or DO THEY?  NATALIE takes some ECSTACY and suddenly DIRECTOR DARREN ARONOFSKY thinks he's making a sequel to REQUIEM FOR A DREAM.

MILA KUNIS

ASS TO ASS!

NATALIE PORTMAN

This movie is weird. It's basically just "Showgirls" with less sex.

MILA sticks her hand down NATALIE'S PANTS.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Just "Showgirls," then.

MILA accompanies NATALIE back home and goes MUFF DIVING while parents and teenagers watching the movie together because they thought it would be about ballet freeze and unblinkingly stare straight ahead while feigning disinterest.

INT. BALLET COMPANY

NATALIE quickly moves from SLIGHTLY UNHINGED to BATSHIT NUTS.  She confronts MILA, or DOES SHE?

NATALIE PORTMAN

You bitch!  I'm trying desperately to convincingly recreate "Repulsion" with ballet shoes and you just come waltzing through the movie, effortlessly jumping between roles as my best friend and my worst enemy!  I will not be upstaged by Kelso's fucking girlfriend, alright?

MILA KUNIS

Relax, The Academy still hasn't overlooked Max Payne, I'm not even going to get a nomination.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Good!  I lost 20 pounds, dislocated a rib, and sustained a serious concussion, so I better get an Oscar for my suffering!

MILA KUNIS

Sad when a ballerina does it, deserving of awards when an actress does it.  Got it.

The pressure drives NATALIE further into madness.  Meanwhile, WINONA RYDER goes crazy and stabs herself with a knife she SHOPLIFTED.

NATALIE gets into costume for OPENING NIGHT, or DOES SHE?

MILA KUNIS

Hey, I just wanted to stop by and tell you to break a leg.  And by break a leg, I mean CHOKE ON THE BLOOD OF THE DAMNED YOU FILTHY BITCH WHORE!

NATALIE PORTMAN

No!  I'm going to be perfect!  Ballet is serious fucking business!

NATALIE attacks MILA, throws her into one of the 1,000 MIRRORS ON SET, and stabs her with a GLASS SHARD, or DOES SHE?

NATALIE dances the fucking shit out of the BLACK SWAN.  Afterward, she pulls a glass shard from her abdomen.

NATALIE PORTMAN

How in hell's fuck did I manage to dance with a huge hunk of glass in my torso?

VINCENT CASSEL

Oh no! Only now that my show is over am I willing to show any concern for your rapidly diminishing sanity!

NATALIE PORTMAN

I was perfect, Vincent.  I was perfect...

VINCENT CASSEL

I guess you're forgetting about the beginning of the show when you fell on your ass, huh?

DIRECTOR DARREN ARONOFSKY

(checking box-office receipts)

What the hell, this movie made more than all of my other movies combined?  I did a movie about math, drugs, wrestling, and whatever the fuck The Fountain was about, but you assholes line up for my movie about the goddamn ballet?!  Fuck it, I'm making Wolverine 2, or AM I?

NATALIE DIES, or DOES SHE?

She DOES.

END