FADE IN:

INT. A POSH TOWNHOUSE IN LONDON TOWN UNDER LOCKDOWN

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR and ANNE HATHAWAY are in LOCKDOWN together. You might even say they are LOCKED DOWN.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

God this sucks. The fact you just broke up with me after 10 years makes it suck THAT much more.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Can you blame me? You used to be a low-income guy who rode a cool bike. Now you're just a low-income guy who has to sell his bike.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

I only have to sell my bike because you broke up with me.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Aha, but I secretly bought your bike online so I can give it back to you! You're welcome.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Aren't you a regional CEO of a huge worldwide company? Why not just give me some money directly? Why all the mind games?

ANNE HATHAWAY

I dunno, why does anyone do anything? Why'd I sleep with your sister-in-law?

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

And why did you never tell anyone you work with about me?!? Wait what was that about-

ANNE HATHAWAY

I told you, I hid you from all of my work colleagues in case we ever needed to pose as two random people who don't know each other, in case we wanted to rob them someday! That's just good planning.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Or maybe you're just a horrible toxic person.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Maybe, but we're not here to dissect MY behaviour.

(flashes the Hathaway Smile™)

Just admit it's a good thing we can pose as strangers for any hypothetical heist situation that might theoretically arise, okay?

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

I suppose you're right HEY EVERYONE!! HELLO ENTIRE NEIGHBOURHOOD WOULD ANYONE LIKE TO HEAR ME RECITE POETRY?!? ME, CHIWETEL EJIOFOR, WHO LIVES RIGHT OVER THERE IN ANNE HATHAWAY'S TOWNHOUSE

ANNE HATHAWAY

(facepalms)

INT. ANNE'S HOME OFFICE

ANNE puts on some snazzy work clothes and starts a ZOOM CHAT.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Hello everyone. First off, thanks to all the famous actors who agreed to do a role in this movie once they realized they never had to leave home.

MARK GATISS

Certainly, what!

STEPHEN MERCHANT

Top ho!

MINDY KALING

Absolutely!

ANNE HATHAWAY

Anyhoo. Anyone not famous enough is hereby fired. Mindy, Stephen, you're safe, but I'm sorry Mark, not enough Americans know you by name.

MARK GATISS

Fucking Yanks!

(disconnects)

BEN STILLER

Well done Anne. I'd say that was just ruthless and brutal enough to warrant a promotion here at Evil Shit Fuckers Conglomerated.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Oh gosh! Let me think about it while rampantly day-drinking on camera right in front of you.

BEN STILLER

I mean you're only helping your case with that one, we ARE rather evil.

INT. CHIWETEL'S ROOM

CHIWETEL desperately tries to scrounge up some meagre amount of income while one floor above, ANNE deliberates whether to make three or five million a year.

BEN KINGSLEY

(on Zoom)

Righ' 'en. I go' a job fo' you. Oi need drivers yah? Bloody 'ell this acting from 'ome is tops.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Ben, you know my criminal record is a problem. That time I saved a notorious criminal fence from being beaten to death, such that he now owes me whatever illicit favour I might someday throw at him, it haunts me TO THIS DAY!

BEN KINGSLEY

I understan' 'at. So I'll hire you under a' alias. It's not great pay, but on th' other 'and, if you get caugh' it will have 'orrible 'onsequences.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

I guess I have no choice but to be your... Operative.

(winks)

INT. DOWNSTAIRS IN THE TOWNHOUSE

ANNE and CHIWETEL meet to exchange HORRIBLY AWKWARD GROCERY LISTS and INTENSE DRAMATIC THEATRE WORKSHOP MONOLOGUES.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Maybe pick up extra coffee, I'm going to need to stay up late planning this huge transfer of expensive items from Harrod's. Just figuring out the driver assignments will take hours! Ooh I hate my evil company, I wish there was some way to really stick it to them!

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

And I've gotta pick up a fake ID for this job driving a huge load of expensive items from Harrod's under an assumed identity! Ooh I wish I had some opportunity to break out of this low-income dead-end life... WAAAAAIT ONE FRIKKIN SECOND... is that chocolate?

ANNE HATHAWAY

Yes, get your peanut butter away from---dammit you got it on my chocolate!

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Well you got your chocolate in my peanut butter!

(tries)

Hey, tastes great!

(smiles)

Anyway, good luck solving your completely unrelated problem.

ANNE HATHAWAY

You too. Now, what to do about this incredibly valuable diamond that my company wants to sell to a total fucking shitbag dictator person, after I stuff it in a box where nobody will even look at it for years WAAAAIIIT ONE FRIKKIN SECOND... we could do... a HEIST!

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

A heist?! Really?!? Are you sure?!?!

ANNE HATHAWAY

I mean since we sold this movie as a zany heist comedy we should at least THINK about it.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Assuming the people who've patiently sat through the last hour of our relationship drama haven't given up all hope of a zany heist comedy of course. But is this really something we could pull off?

ANNE HATHAWAY

What, just because we were born OCEANS apart--

(winks Eight times)

--you don't think we can manage a bit of CAT burglary?

(the wink knight rises)

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

(heavy sigh)

ANNE HATHAWAY

LOOK THIS LOCKDOWN HAS BEEN HARD ON EVERYBODY ALL RIGHT but still, a heist! We should do it! Or not. Probably not. But maybe we should!

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Hm, should we go through with the premise of the movie. Hmmm. Before we commit, should I contact that fence guy and just double-check he'll agree to sell the diamond first?

ANNE HATHAWAY

Naahhhh.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Cool, the heist is on! Maybe.

(pause)

To celebrate, I'm gonna go on a huge joyride on my motorcycle and attract as much police attention as humanly possible!!

ANNE HATHAWAY

Perfect! Then we should have sex without actually getting back together, just to make sure you're in the BEST POSSIBLE headspace.

EXT. HEIST DAY!! MAYBE! BUT MAYBE NOT. BUT IT PROBABLY IS!!

CHIWETEL collects the delivery van from BEN KINGSLEY'S COMPANY.

RACIST DISPATCHER

I hate you so much Chiwetel. I'm gonna be watching you super close just itching to report you to the authorities. Just give me an excuse.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Aha, but I'm about to brazenly commit identity fraud, workplace fraud, robbery, AND trafficking stolen goods, how d'you like THAT?!

RACIST DISPATCHER

(emitting sparks, leaking smoke)

ERROR... ERROR... TOO MANY EXCUSES... OVERLOADING...

(explodes)

Meanwhile ANNE travels to HARROD'S on CHIWETEL'S BIKE just in case the police happen to be keeping an eye out for the licence plate that racked up two hundred traffic violations yesterday.

ANNE HATHAWAY

La la, don't mind me, just riding a perfect stranger's motorcycle to work, as you do!

INT. HARROD'S

ANNE and CHIWETEL successfully bluff their way inside HARROD'S, and collect the REAL DIAMOND from the SUPER SECURE VAULT!

ANNE HATHAWAY

Remember, we don't know each other, you're just a random driver. Let's stay focussed on the plan, and not be distracted by all the wonderful shopping options here at Harrod's London!

(gestures)

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Agreed, must focus! We musn't dally in this expansive food court, full of high-quality top-brand products! Especially this gelato! Mmm-mmm!

CHIWETEL and ANNE continue parading about the FOOD COURT, bantering and sharing food and being all chummy IN FULL VIEW OF HUNDREDS OF SECURITY CAMERAS because they have the focussing power of DRUNKEN GERBILS. Finally they arrive at the DIAMOND EXHIBIT.

ANNE HATHAWAY

In that fish tank is the fake display diamond. This is our chance to do the big switcheroo!

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Okay. While we decide whether we're really doing this, I'll hold the fake dramatically raised between us, and we can hold this pose for a minute or so. I'm sure that won't look suspicious on the tapes.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Not at all. And so I've decided... we should... DO THE HEIST!

(switches real and fake diamond)

Phew! So now as long as nothing else suspicious happens-

MARK GATISS

EXCUSE ME I MUST COME RUSHING IN, I'VE BEEN ALERTED A FAKE ID WAS USED TO GAIN ACCESS HELLOOOO EVERYONE

(waves to security cameras)

ANNE HATHAWAY

Shit. But Mark, you hate Evil Shit Fuckers Conglomerated! Remember how horribly they fired you! But don't remember who actually fired you, hahaha. Just help me stick it to them!

MARK GATISS

You're right. Fuck the man! I'll cover for you both, then go back to being fired and broke, THAT'LL show 'em!

(gives thumbs-up)

They GET AWAY!

INT. BACK AT ANNE'S PLACE

CHIWETEL and ANNE kick back and relax with all their new money.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

I can't believe we got away with it. Like seriously, I can't. Do we even have a cover story for how we came into all this cash?

ANNE HATHAWAY

Don't need one! Since we live in the Nobody Gives A Shit Cinematic Universe, we're free to spend our new fortune and be super happy forever!

(pause)

Or less miserable, anyway.

(winks)

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Damn, I just checked the news and they've extended the lockdown. Looks like we're stuck here a while yet, maybe I'll finally make that bread I've been planning to-

ANNE HATHAWAY

NO NO FUCK YOU FUCK YOUR FUCKING BREAD, YOU WANT HOMEMADE FOOD HOW ABOUT MY FRESHLY BAKED SHIT

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Maybe we still need to work some things out.

END --- UNTIL THE SEQUEL, WHERE MARK GATISS COMES TO HIS SENSES AND BLACKMAILS THEM FOR TONS OF CASH SO THEY HAVE TO MURDER HIS ASS IN BETWEEN MORE EXTENSIVE RELATIONSHIP DRAMA --- OR DO THEY?! THEY PROBABLY DO, BUT NO, NO, OF COURSE NOT! ...UNLESS?