FADE IN:

EXT. JANE AUSTEN LAND

KATE BECKINSALE and her lady-in-waiting, CHLOË SEVIGNY, plot COURTSHIP SHENANIGANS.

KATE BECKINSALE

So how should we introduce the characters in this movie?

CHLOË SEVIGNY

I dunno. One or two at a time, like regular movies?

KATE BECKINSALE

Nah. Let’s have a big dramatis personae right at the start.

CHLOË SEVIGNY

Yeah!

(turns to the audience)

You can memorise over ten new characters at once right?

ROLL CALL!

CONOR MACNEIL

Hi! I don’t appear in this movie for another hour. Good luck remembering my name until then!

STEPHEN FRY

Oh yeah? Well I don’t appear in this movie for another hour and ten minutes! Good luck trying to beat that!

XAVIER SAMUEL

I was in a movie where my feet where pinned to the floor with knives and my head was opened with a power drill and that role still didn’t feel as uncomfortable as this!

TOM BENNETT

I'm a total moron!

(turns to Kate)

Hey, want to get married?

KATE BECKINSALE

(shrugs)

Eh, fuck it. Why not.

XAVIER SAMUEL

That sounds like a marvellous idea!

(turns to Morfydd)

Hey, want to get married?

MORFYDD CLARK

Sure.

KATE BECKINSALE

And everything’s been tied up splendidly!

CHLOË SEVIGNY

Except one thing. Why was this movie called “Love and Friendship”? Were there a million other film adaptations of “Lady Susan” that we had to compete with?

END.