FADE IN:

INT. CUBA - THE BOOTY CAPITAL OF THE WORLD

VIN DIESEL and MICHELLE RODRIQUEZ celebrate their honeymoon in HAVANA surrounded by lots of CARS. And ASS SHAKING.

VIN DIESEL

Finally, a chance to take it easy and relax without having to prove how good at driving I am.

REPO MAN

Ha ha! I’ve taken your cousin’s car! The only way to get it back is to

VIN DIESEL

Don’tsayracedon’tsayracedon’tsayrace

REPO MAN

Race! And if you win you keep my car! Also you have to use your cousin’s slowass shitbox car and I will blatantly cheat by trying to murder you. You can’t possibly out-Fast me!

VIN DIESEL

Clearly you haven’t seen any of the previous movies.

VIN WINS by driving backwards, with his car ON FIRE, and with his feet sticking through the bottom FLINTSTONES style. The CAR also careens into the OCEAN. And now VIN has no CAR.

REPO MAN

Now I suppose you’ll take my car and beat my ass with it.

VIN DIESEL

Dude, seriously, watch the other movies in Machete Order. If you had you’d know my main superpower is turning enemies into trusted allies.

REPO MAN

We are now family.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

Vin, watching you risk your life to win that race and humble that repo man has made my panties wetter than the first three rows at a Shamu show. Put a baby in me.

VIN DIESEL

Just think of it, our child would be the first ever baby driver. It could be the start of a whole new franchise!

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

Err, I think Edgar Wright already beat us to it.

VIN goes frolicking around Havana when his DIESEL SENSE leads him to CHARLIZE THERON.

CHARLIZE THERON

Greetings Vin. It is I, your greatest enemy, the author of all your pa-- shit the Logan script did that joke already. Anyway, Luke Evans was building that super weapon for me in Fast 6 and I hired Djimon Hounsou to get the God’s Eye for me in Furious 7! Everything bad that has happened in this franchise is my doing!

VIN DIESEL

Even Tokyo Drift?

CHARLIZE THERON

Whoa I’m not THAT evil. Now you will go steal an EMP device for me or I will kill your ex-girlfriend Elsa Pataky who I have kidnapped. She is, after all, family.

VIN DIESEL

Yes. I will protect my family by... turning on my family? I think my brain’s Check Engine light just came on.

EXT. BERLIN

VIN and his GANG OF INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL MURDERERS use CARS to steal a BEER KEG with EMP magic inside.

VIN DIESEL

Car Avengers sound off!

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

I’m the tough chick! My superpower is scowling!

THE ROCK

I’m the muscle! My superpower is taking massive amounts of HGH! Also banging soccer moms!

LUDACRIS

I’m the short haired tech geek! My superpower is sass!

NATHALIE EMMANUEL

I’m the big haired tech geek! My superpower is British accents!

TYRESE GIBSON

And I’m the Tyrese! I cash checks!

VIN DIESEL

Alright team, we’re being chased by police cars filled with innocent cops! We need to lose them!

LUDACRIS

That’s my cue to release a wrecking ball hanging conspicuously off screen that will heroically murder them all!

THIS HAPPENS.

MY GOD. THE CARNAGE. HACKSAW RIDGE IS JEALOUS.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

How does this not make us terrorists? We should be on every Most Wanted list in the universe.

NATHALIE EMMANUEL

We are, and we joke about it throughout the movie. Constantly.

LUDACRIS

We’ve turned slaughtering innocent people into a running gag.

TYRESE GIBSON

(cashes a check!)

They escape with the EMP KEG, but VIN crashes THE ROCK’S ROCKMOBILE and STEALS THE EMP!

THE ROCK

Vin! You crazy son of a bitch! You could have killed meHAHAHAHAHAHA no seriously I’m invincible.

(is arrested)

INT. SUPER MAX PRISON

THE ROCK is placed in a cell next to JASON STATHAM.

JASON STATHAM

Well well well if it isn’t Steroids McBabyoil. This prison isn’t bald enough for the both of us.

THE ROCK

Back off Jason, or I’ll kick your ass so hard your balls and your tonsils will be next door neighbors!

JASON STATHAM

Oh really? I’ll beat your ass so hard you'll fly around the world and body slam me from behind!

THE ROCK

I'll whoop your ass so hard it’ll create a singularity where your ass used to be and suck my foot up into it!

JASON STATHAM

I'll kick your ass so hard-- wait, did we just become best friends?

THE ROCK

Holy shit you’re right! All it takes is a little smack talk to get over the fact you tried to blow me up with a grenade.

INT. THE BAT CAVE

THE ROCK and JASON are broken out of prison by secret covert sunglasses guy KURT RUSSELL.

KURT RUSSELL

Given that Vin betrayed us I’ve decided to replace him with an even balder action star, Jason.

JASON STATHAM

I’ve got beef with Charlize so the enemy of my enemy makes me family.

NATHALIE EMMANUEL

Let’s use the God’s Eye app from the last movie to find Vin!

LUDACRIS

Hey wait!! Google Street View says Vin is right here!!!

VIN and CHARLIZE bust in and hit everyone with ROOFIE GAS.

CHARLIZE THERON

I’m stealing the God’s Eye but not before I get in a solid 45 minutes of gloating. Security isn't stopping me because this entire top secret facility is empty except for you dorks for some reason.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

No Vin! You can’t turn your back on family!

VIN DIESEL

(sad potato face)

CHARLIZE THERON

That’s my cue to give Vin a big sloppy smooch even though he looks like he’s being stabbed in the mouth with razors.

(escapes with Vin!)

THE ROCK

We could really use some extra help. Maybe we should call up Paul Walker?

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

Uh, no, he’s, uh, unavailable.

LUDACRIS

Well what about Vin’s sister Jordana Brewster?

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

No, her and Paul were a package deal. We’ll just have to substitute Paul with a new handsome blonde dude.

SCOTT EASTWOOD

I’m available!

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

Oh God no, is there anyone ELSE we can get instead? You know, someone who doesn’t completely suck baboon ass? Like Michael B. Jordan? Or John Boyega maybe?

KURT RUSSELL

No time. Besides, it has to be a white actor. Damn Affirmative Action. Scott is your new Paul.

EVERYBODY

(groans!)

KURT RUSSELL

Now if you’ll excuse me I have a date with a sentient Vin tree and a talking raccoon, which would NOT be out of place in this franchise.

(goes off to guard another galaxy)

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

(pause)

What about Taron Egerton? He's pretty good. Or Ed Skrein? He's... not Scott Eastwood. That makes him 10x better than Scott Eastwood.

SCOTT EASTWOOD

Forget it, I'm in this franchise. Such are the perks of coming out of the right ball sack.

INT. CHARLIZE’S PLANE FORTRESS

CHARLIZE THERON

Now that I have the God’s Eye I can hack the hacks out of the entire planet’s hacks from this plane made of hacks! I’m also holding Elsa Pataky hostage here along with... VIN’S BABY SON WHAAAAAAAAAT

ELSA PATAKY

That’s right, Vin. You knocked me up and I never told you.

VIN DIESEL

When did this franchise become a telenovela?

ELSA PATAKY

When was this franchise ever NOT a telenovela, but with cars?

CHARLIZE THERON

So Vin, if you want Elsa and your baby to live you will dress up as Frankenstein from the Death Race movies and steal some nuclear codes for me.

VIN DIESEL

Alright, but I will do it with a constipated frown on my face.

CHARLIZE THERON

Whatever turns you on honey.

EXT. NEW YORK

VIN uses a CAR to drive around while CHARLIZE watches him from her PLANE, which has WHEELS, but is not a CAR.

VIN DIESEL

I need to make a stop behind this van which conveniently blocks all 457 camera views you have on me.

CHARLIZE THERON

I find nothing suspicious about this at all.

VIN sneaks away and meets with HELEN MIRREN who has an accent so thick you can bottle it.

HELEN MIRREN

Vin! Ya cheeky tossa! Ya gut both me boys nicked! Why in blazes should a ‘elp ya?

VIN DIESEL

HO-LY-SHIT tell your dialog coach to lay off the crack pipe. And you’re helping me because all my enemies eventually end up eating barbecue at my house.

HELEN MIRREN

Mmmm, barbecue. Alright I’ll do it.

Meanwhile CHARLIZE uses HACKS to HACK all the SELF DRIVING CARS with HACKS and create a CAR TSUNAMI!

This allows VIN to steal some RUSSIAN NUCLEAR CODES, but VIN’S TEAM stops him with CARS.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

Enough, Vin! We’ve trapped you with harpoons! Give it up!

VIN DIESEL

You underestimate my horse power!

VIN’S CAR flips everyone else’s CAR upside down and rips the ASS off of his own CAR. Now no one has a CAR.

VIN DIESEL

Damn! I must escape on foot! Which is the human version of wheels!

JASON STATHAM

Not so Fast Vin! I know you don’t use guns so I didn’t bother bringing my own!

VIN DIESEL

(pulls gun)

And people say I’M the dumb one.

(shoots Jason!)

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

Oh no! Vin killed Jason! Granted I saw the kill shot from three blocks away and there was no blood but Jason is most certainly worm food!

MICHELLE steals the NUCLEAR CODES but she’s stopped by CHARLIZE’s gingerman KRISTOFER HIVJU.

KRISTOFER HIVJU

Don’t recognize the name? Well you may remember from such roles as that one guy from Game of Thrones who’s not that OTHER guy from Game of Thrones! Did you know my character has a secret toenail collection? See, in the books I--

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

Alright alright, you can have your damn codes back, Jesus.

VIN and KRISTOFER escape!

INT. CHARLIZE’S PLANE FORTRESS

CHARLIZE THERON

Vin, you were willing to let Michelle escape with the codes. I do not tolerate failure.

ELSA PATAKY

(killed!)

VIN DIESEL

Yeah, so? We killed off Michelle and she came back, I’m not worried.

ELSA PATAKY

(is totally for real dead)

VIN DIESEL

What?! Noooooo!!! If only I had injected her with my plot armor instead of my semen!

(even sadder potato face)

EXT. RUSSIAN SUBMARINE BASE

VIN uses a CAR to infiltrate the base and disables its electronics with the EMP KEG.

CHARLIZE THERON

Great! Now I can hack the base’s nuclear submarine with hacks!

VIN DIESEL

Wait, so your plan is to start a nuclear war with Russia and the United States? When did you become Rachel Maddow?

CHARLIZE THERON

Well SOMEBODY’S got to force Trump to release his taxes!

CHARLIZE remote controls the NUCLEAR SUB! But THE TEAM arrives and kills lots of RUSSIANS with CARS!

NATHALIE EMMANUEL

Wait, is this more innocent people we’re killing?

LUDACRIS

No no, this base has been taken over by badguys so we can kill away!

TYRESE GIBSON

(cashes a cheque!)

Meanwhile CHARLIZE’s plane is infiltrated by JASON STATHAM WHAAAAAATTT

JASON STATHAM

Yes, Helen Mirren is my mom and she helped me fake my death! Elsa’s too!

(pause)

Wait, no, she’s still for sure dead, but my brother Luke Evans isn’t!

LUKE EVANS

That’s right! And now with a new Negan iron face scar!

JASON STATHAM

Now you stay here while I treat Charlize’s thugs like United Airline passengers!

JASON John Wick’s all the bad guys with SLAPSTICK COMEDY all while juggling VIN’S BABY.

JASON STATHAM

When did Vin infect me with his Pacifier powers? Now, to kill Charlize for forcing Vin to nearly kill my brother! That’s my actual motivation for hating Charlize’s guts BTW.

CHARLIZE THERON

Looks like your character motivation is even murkier than your hairline. So I suppose you’re going to kill me like the cold blooded murderer you are?

JASON STATHAM

What? No no, that was the old evil me. The new goodguy me talks and talks and talks until you jump out of the plane HEY GET BACK HERE!

CHARLIZE THERON

See you in Furious 9 suckas!

(parachutes)

ATOMICBLONDEINTHEATERSJULY18TH!!!!

(escapes!)

EXT. ICE LAKE

Meanwhile VIN’S TEAM is being chased by RUSSIAN MOOKS in MOOK-MOBILES when VIN rides in to save them!

THE ROCK

Save us? Dude, I just pushed a 2,000 pound torpedo into another car while hanging off of a car going 90 MPH, I’m pretty sure we don’t need Vin’s help. Besides how do we know he’s not still evil?

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

Because he gave me a sexy look. And by sexy I mean blank soulless stare. And sure he could have just said “Sorry guys, Charlize had Elsa and my baby”, but that would have taken like 3 whole seconds! The look was Faster.

Suddenly the NUCLEAR SUBMARINE shoots a HEAT SEEKING MISSILE at the team!

HEAT SEEKING MISSILE

Ha ha Vin! I will kill all of your friends unless you challenge me to

VIN DIESEL

(with a heavy sigh)

A race?

HEAT SEEKING MISSILE

So you’ve seen these movies before?

VIN DIESEL

Yeah but they all blend together except for the one where we killed a bunch of people with a safe. Man those were good times.

VIN and the MISSILE RACE! But VIN tricks the MISSILE into hitting the SUBMARINE and it BLOWS UP! VIN’s car is engulfed in the explosion and FLIPS OVER 17 TIMES and EXPLODES! VIN is thrown from the flaming mangled wreck and LOOK YOU KNOW HE SURVIVES WITHOUT A SCRATCH SO LET’S NOT PLAY GAMES HERE

VIN DIESEL

Oh shit! The fire is still trying to kill me and I used up all my plot armor!

SCOTT EASTWOOD

Luckily everyone instinctively knew to protect you from the flames with a shield of cars!

VIN DIESEL

Heyyyy who the fuck is this asshole?

LUDACRIS

His dad likes to talk to empty chairs so we figured we’d cut the kid a check. Say, where is that check?

TYRESE GIBSON

Already cashed it, man.

EXT. VIN’S ROOFTOP COOKOUT - AMERICA

VIN DIESEL

Before we eat I would just like to thank Jesus for giving us the strength to murder all those people we murdered.

JASON STATHAM

Hey Vin, I flew your baby all the way back to America safe and sound, so we cool?

VIN DIESEL

Yes, I suppose this makes up for you violently blowing up Sung Kang and preventing us from having an open casket funeral for him.

JASON STATHAM

Excellent! See you in the next sequel! That is unless The Mechanic 3 gets the green light NOPE see you in the next movie!

(leaves)

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

So Vin, I understand Elsa purposefully didn’t give your son a first name. What shall we call him?

VIN DIESEL

I was thinking “Audio Science”. Or, you know, something more traditional like “Moxie Crimefighter”.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

Sadly those both sound better than “The Fate of the Furious”. The fuck? What's next? "The Young and The Furiousness"?

VIN DIESEL

How about “Diva Thin Muffin”? Is that taken yet? Oh oh I got it! “Zuma Nesta Rock”!

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

We’re naming him Paul.

VIN DIESEL

You’re no fun.

END