"Swear to god, Adewale smells like a musk ox dipped in... He's right behind me, isn't he?

BEASTS OF NO NATION

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. AFRICA (I BLESS THE RAAAAINS)

ABRAHAM ATTAH V.O.

Once upon a time, Hollywood realized the entirety of the African continent isn’t a blasted hellscape and the vast majority of people living there drink beer and drive to work at the office and complain about taxes and have never even seen a jungle warlord’s death squadron. This is before that time.

(pause)

I live in a small village somewhere deep in a war torn African nation. You know, one of ‘em. One of those many nonspecific African nations where bullets fly through the air like mosquitos. No, not the one from District 9. A different one. No, not the one from Age of Ultron. That one’s fictional.

(pause)

Anyway, we have to make our own fun around here, so me and some other precocious youngsters stole a TV and punched the screen out so we can look through it and play act our own shows. Looky!

CUTE AFRICAN KID

We now go live to the Republican National Debate!

ABRAHAM ATTAH

Ugh, I am so burned out on election bullshit. Let’s watch something less depressing.

CUTE AFRICAN KID

How about a two-hour live-action adaptation of that KONY 2012 video?

ABRAHAM ATTAH

Perfect!

ABRAHAM does other precocious things with his FRIENDS, like trying to con UNITED NATIONS AID WORKERS and running a SCAM where he BLOCKS THE ROAD with TREE BRANCHES and has people PAY to get by.

ABRAHAM ATTAH

Ah, the joys of childhood grifting.

CRAZY OLD LADY

You disrespectful turd! God will punish you for your transgressions!

ABRAHAM ATTAH

Pfft, what’s he gonna do to me?

(remembers he lives in Hollywood’s version of Africa)

Crap.

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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