FADE IN:

EXT. WAR

ZAC EFRON fights the BAD GUYS in the WAR.

ZAC EFRON (VO)

(actual line)

You know, the smallest thing can change your life. In the blink of an eye, something happens by chance, when you least expect it, that sets you on a course that you never planned, into a future you never imagined.

(reality)

And I'm stopping there before that preamble gets twice as long and three times as mawkish. My point is, you can either use the free will and capabilities you possess to their best advantage, or you can make one unhinged decision that sends you head over ass into an even dumber premise than High School Musical. And, well, here we are, so you can guess which one I chose.

He finds a PHOTO on the ground and studies IT carefully.

PHOTO

(has the voice of Steve Buscemi)

(don't ask, it just does)

Hi there. I bear an image of attractive woman you've never met, posing in a place you've never been, with zero useful information about either written on the back, that in all likelihood means something to someone else. Can you put me down so that person can find me, please?

ZAC EFRON

But... it's an attractive woman.

PHOTO

Okay, got me there.

BAD GUYS

KABOOM MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

An EXPLOSION knocks ZAC to the ground and sprays him with ROCKS.

ZAC EFRON

MY FACE! DID THOSE ROCKS DAMAGE MY BEAUTIFUL TWINKY FACE?!

(touches it all over)

Whew. That sure was lucky. Good thing I was holding you at just that moment, Photo.

PHOTO

You know that explosion killed three of your squadmates, right?

ZAC EFRON

Yup, I sure am a lucky son of a bitch.

PHOTO

Plus you were eating a protein bar just before you found me. How do you know the protein bar didn't save you?

ZAC EFRON

Hmmm. Maybe you're right. Let's go visit the protein bar company headquarters and thank them for saving my life.

PHOTO

Um... that's really not necessary.

BAD GUYS

ROUND FUCKIN' TWO!!!

Another EXPLOSION once again kills all ZAC's SQUADMATES yet spares ZAC.

ZAC EFRON

Wow! My luck has improved immensely ever since I found you! Thanks, Photo!

PHOTO

Okay, Zac, chill. By your insane logic, it's just as likely that I've heightened your risk of death and maxed it out for those other guys. Maybe there's nothing rational or fated about war. Some people just fucking die, and other people just WON'T fucking die. Now can we talk about things that actually matter? Like how the PTSD you're getting here might hurt you and your loved ones when you get back home?

ZAC EFRON

That's ridiculous. What makes you think I'm getting--

NEARBY TACTICAL TRUCK

(drives over a paper bag)

ZAC EFRON

(tears the truck into scrap metal with his bare hands and pisses on the scrap pile)

PHOTO

That. That right there. Maybe we should think about getting you some mental health treatment?

ZAC EFRON

Better idea: Let's hunt down the attractive woman.

PHOTO

Huh?

ZAC EFRON

Okay, found her. Let's go meet her.

PHOTO

Wait, WHAT?

ZAC EFRON

And flights from the major city near me to the major city near her aren't all that expensive.... Actually, let's walk.

PHOTO

On FOOT?! That's roughly 1,261 miles! No, no, this is going too far. Let's get you that counseling, like, yesterday.

ZAC EFRON

Photo, be serious. I'm a War veteran in 2012. What the hell kind of counseling am I gonna get?

PHOTO

(sighs)

Yeah....

EXT. 1,261 MILES LATER

ZAC arrives at a KENNEL owned by TAYLOR SCHILLING and her grandmother, BLYTHE DANNER.

TAYLOR SCHILLING

Welcome to town! I suppose you're here to board your dog for a few days while you travel?

ZAC EFRON

No, actually, I'm here for an excuse to be in your presence for an extended period of time.

TAYLOR SCHILLING

Oh. Uh. Okay, maybe we can make that make sense. Well, my brother died at War and my asshole cop ex-husband is an asshole cop ex-husband, so I could use some help around this place--

ZAC EFRON

I'm hired.

TAYLOR SCHILLING

Yeah, that's not how hiring works--

BLYTHE DANNER

He's hired.

TAYLOR SCHILLING

What the hell, Grandma?

BLYTHE DANNER

Honey, I don't want to put too fine a point on it, but you've been really stressed out lately. The stalls around here aren't the only things that need mucking out, know what I mean?

ZAC sets about STRIPPING, GREASING, NAILING, HAMMERING, SCREWING, and NUTTING. The KENNEL, I mean. The BUILDING needed work. He also begins bonding with TAYLOR's son, RILEY THOMAS STEWART.

RILEY THOMAS STEWART

I like playing music, but the other boys at school make fun of me, and my dad says that music is for [slur for Asians that hasn't been spoken aloud since 1906].

ZAC EFRON

Well, I respect your individuality and--

RILEY's asshole cop father, JAY R. FERGUSON, kicks through the DOOR.

JAY R. FERGUSON

The hell you sayin' to my boy about respect? We don't care for respect 'round these parts, son.

ZAC EFRON

Aaaannnd you are instantly the most irredeemable piece of shit I've ever met. If a movement against police brutality kicks off in this decade, I'll assume it's entirely because of you.

JAY R. FERGUSON

Goddamn right you will. I've beaten more [slur for Blacks that hasn't been spoken aloud since 1864] into the dirt than the Louisville PD and the Minneapolis PD put together. Taylor! Get this sissy boy out of your house immediately! That's an order!

TAYLOR SCHILLING

Like I haven't dealt with enough entitled men lately, between this movie and the one before it. Jay, I stopped listening to you the night you did that thing on my face without asking first. Off you fuck.

JAY R. FERGUSON

You want me gone? Fine. But I still have other-weekend custody, so I'll be back, and I'll be bringing physical, legal, positional, and potentially ballistic intimidation with me.

(kicks through the door the other way)

TAYLOR drags ZAC away for some ANGRY VENGEANCE SEX, which is truly the best kind of SEX, let's be honest.

TAYLOR SCHILLING

Hey, are you ever gonna tell me why you came?

ZAC EFRON

I guess it was that thing you do with your hips that really took me over the--

TAYLOR SCHILLING

No, why you came to this town.

ZAC EFRON

Oh. Well, it's obvious to the audience by now, but I'll hang on to that tidbit until an appropriately dramatic juncture.

He and RILEY team up to perform "HEART AND SOUL," which brings the AUDIENCE to tears, including JAY.

JAY R. FERGUSON

Damn. This Zac guy could be a positive influence on my son after all. Maybe I should stop giving him and Taylor a hard time and try to work with--

SOME GUY

I remember that guy showing up in town out of nowhere and asking everyone if they knew a tall blonde who looks better in cutoffs than anything else.

JAY R. FERGUSON

...Uh-HUH.

He breaks into ZAC's rental and finds the PHOTO.

PHOTO

Oh, Zac, you're finally gonna--wait, who are you?

JAY R. FERGUSON

(points gun at PHOTO)

Start talkin'.

INT. AN APPROPRIATELY DRAMATIC JUNCTURE

JAY kicks in the door, surprising ZAC and TAYLOR.

JAY R. FERGUSON

(points gun at ZAC)

All right, Hairspray. You're gonna tell Taylor why you're here, or this thing will.

He holds up PHOTO.

PHOTO

Sorry, kid. He broke me.

ZAC EFRON

(sighs)

Taylor, it's not as bad as he's making it out to be. While I was at War, I saw Photo in the dirt, never found out who dropped it, escaped two explosions, assumed Photo was having my back, came home, acquired an ungodly amount of callouses, got here, joined your payroll, wormed my way into your family, and took advantage of your emotional vulnerability and pent-up sexual frustration. And I never said anything about any of this when I realized that Photo belonged to your dead brother, whose death is a mystery to you but a firsthand experience for me. That's all.

TAYLOR SCHILLING

(silently flabbergasted)

ZAC EFRON

So...

TAYLOR SCHILLING

GET OUT. ALL OF YOU, GET OUT. I'M OFF MEN AND LOOK FORWARD TO A LONG AND HAPPY LIFE WITH MY NECK MASSAGER.

ZAC and JAY sheepishly leave.

PHOTO

Look, lady, I tried to talk some sense into him, but--

TAYLOR SCHILLING

OUT!!!

PHOTO

(scurries away on tiny little stick feet)

EXT. THE NEXT DAY

TAYLOR discovers that ZAC fixed her dad's prized BOAT.

TAYLOR SCHILLING

Oh, look, another thing he did without my permission.

BLYTHE DANNER

But it was a nice thing.

TAYLOR SCHILLING

Of course it was! That's how stalking starts! They earn your trust, they bomb you with love, then right when you think you're safe, they ruin your life! You're an old white lady, Grandma, you should have read enough true crime to know this!

BLYTHE DANNER

Oh, this isn't one of those things.

(actual line)

I think he was meant to find that photo.

TAYLOR SCHILLING

Jesus Christ, are you listening to yourself? You think fate offed your grandson, your great-grandson's most positive male influence, who was no competition for Jay, so Zac could slot into his role and also me?

BLYTHE DANNER

...Actually, yeah, that does sound kind of nuts.

ZAC EFRON

(opens the door politely)

I feel terrible about everything. Please forgive me.

JAY R. FERGUSON

(closes door, then kicks through it)

I feel terrible about everything. Please forgive me.

TAYLOR SCHILLING

What if I don't want to?

ZAC EFRON

I'll accept your wishes but never stop loving you as long as I live, to the point that my love becomes kind of sad and pathetic, and hope we reunite as seniors and spend at least a year in semi-marital bliss before one of us gets cancered.

JAY R. FERGUSON

I'll break up what remains of our family, and then I'll probably take a shit on your stoop or something.

TAYLOR SCHILLING

Okay, that was easy. I pick Zac.

JAY R. FERGUSON

You fucking [slur for women that hasn't been grunted aloud since the Upper Paleolithic Period]! I'm taking Riley, and the next time you see him, he'll be in his 20s and living, breathing, eating, and sweating toxic masculinity thanks to me!

RILEY THOMAS STEWART

I CHOOSE TO LIVE OUTSIDE THE CONFINES OF RIGIDLY GENDERED BEHAVIORAL DICHOTOMY, DAD!

He runs out of the HOUSE into the middle of a THUNDERSTORM.

TAYLOR SCHILLING

(runs after him)

RILEY!

JAY R. FERGUSON

(runs after her)

TAYLOR!

ZAC EFRON

(runs after him)

JAY!

BLYTHE DANNER

(runs after him)

ZAC!

PHOTO

(runs after her)

BLYTHE!

And now RILEY is on a RICKETY ROPE BRIDGE over a treacherous RIVER.

TAYLOR SCHILLING

(pointed glare)

Even for you, Nick. Even for you.

NICHOLAS SPARKS

(standing off to the side in a bright yellow rain slicker and hat)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

JAY tries to rescue RILEY and fails. ZAC tries to rescue RILEY and succeeds, then tries to rescue JAY and fails. Because a HOUSE falls on JAY.

FOR. FUCKING. REAL.

TAYLOR SCHILLING

Well, that's just great. Riley was this close to becoming a fairly well-adjusted child, and he just watched his father get unlifed while he himself was on the verge of drowning. What am I gonna do now?

ZAC EFRON

Forgive me for the stalking and officially designate me his new most positive male influence?

TAYLOR SCHILLING

As if I wouldn't.

END