FADE IN:

INT. CHARMINGLY CREAKY BEACH COTTAGE

KELLY PRESTON drops off her children, MILEY CYRUS and BOBBY COLEMAN, with their father, GREG KINNEAR.

KELLY PRESTON

Thanks for taking them off my hands. Miley has become absolutely intolerable. I mean, she's wearing a black hoodie, so you should already know that. But she's also committing petty larceny and refusing to showcase her prodigious musical talent ever again.

GREG KINNEAR

What a betrayal of the dream I've always had for her. How about Bobby?

KELLY PRESTON

To the extent that he matters, if you put Jake Lloyd, Jae Head, and Liam Aiken in a blender and pressed "purée," the result would still be less annoying.

GREG KINNEAR

Gee, thanks. I suppose you'll be busy with your new husband?

KELLY PRESTON

Not as busy as he'll be with his private pilot. Allegedly. Honestly, I don't know which one of us is going to have a worse summer.

(leaves)

GREG turns around to face a sullen MILEY.

GREG KINNEAR

So... I've been composing an original piece. Perhaps you'd find that interesting, seeing as I basically gave you no choice but to follow in my footsteps as a concert musician?

MILEY CYRUS

Is this a hint that you'd like me to showcase my prodigious musical talent?

GREG KINNEAR

I would, yes.

MILEY CYRUS

You got it.

(sings one solitary high note)

FRONT WINDOWS

(shatter)

GREG KINNEAR

(tears up)

So lovely.

MILEY CYRUS

Yeah, whatever.

She goes off to sulk on the BEACH.

MILEY CYRUS

Stupid broken family. Stupid summer weather. Stupid kitschy carnival. Stupid judgmental bikini twits. I hate this stupid place and my stupid life and I'm not gonna--ooh, cute boy.

LIAM HEMSWORTH

(shirtlessly)

Ooh, girl who isn't like the other girls.

MILEY CYRUS

Thanks! You noticed?

(quickly shakes head)

I mean, uh, go die in a silo explosion or something.

CARLY CHAIKIN

(intercepts her)

Don't worry about him. Come hang out with us instead. I'm also not like other girls, and my boyfriend Nick Lashaway is a fire hobbyist. Wanna do something with us tonight that'll REALLY piss off your parents? Drugs? Orgy? Drug orgy?

MILEY CYRUS

Oh, um, I don't do anything like that. It's bad. But I'll gladly be present while you and Nick consume alcohol.

NICK LASHAWAY

That reminds me: Babe, go get me another alcohol.

CARLY CHAIKIN

(does)

NICK LASHAWAY

(sidles up to MILEY)

I want to fuck you right here in this dirty-ass sand.

MILEY CYRUS

We've exchanged a total of two sentences, and your girlfriend is right there.

NICK LASHAWAY

Frigid bitch.

CARLY CHAIKIN

(seeing this from a misleading angle)

Slutty bitch.

Having now alienated EVERY SINGLE PERSON AT THE BEACH, MILEY resumes SULKING, only to happen upon a RACCOON.

MILEY CYRUS

HEY YOU! Get your grimy little paws off those turtle eggs! If there's one thing in the world I still give a shit about, it's turtles!

RACCOON

(gives her the finger and runs off)

LIAM HEMSWORTH

(comes back)

I also give a shit about turtles. Does that change anything?

MILEY CYRUS

Not yet.

LIAM HEMSWORTH

I also passed up sex with my bikini-twit ex-girlfriend so I could look at you with a mixture of curiosity and intrigue. Because

(actual line)

(yes, ACTUAL LINE)

you're not like the other girls.

MILEY CYRUS

NOW we're in business. And as a token of my goodwill, allow me to showcase my prodigious musical talent.

(sings two high notes)

EVERY RACCOON IN A TEN-MILE RADIUS

(dies)

LIAM HEMSWORTH

Wow! Who taught you to sing like you were constantly taking a large, blocky, sphincter-scraping shit?

MILEY CYRUS

My father. Not Greg, the other one.

EXT. A SUMMER ROMANCE BETWEEN TWO 17-YEAR-OLDS HANGING OUT AT THE BEACH WITH BASICALLY NO ADULT SUPERVISION

MILEY and LIAM enjoy fully clothed CLOSED-MOUTH KISSING, OCEAN WADING, SEASHELL HUNTING, MUD HURLING, TREE TRUNK NAME CARVING, using the word "FOREVER," and swimming in a GIANT AQUARIUM TANK that isn't open for RECREATIONAL PURPOSES.

MILEY CYRUS

You know, I came here with the express purpose of asserting my impending adulthood and rejecting the boundaries my parents set. I should be clad a lot more scantily than this.

LIAM HEMSWORTH

Give it three years.

They drive up to ANOTHER FUCKING PLANTATION HOUSE. LIAM's mother, KATE VERNON, greets them.

KATE VERNON

My goodness, Liam, she's...

LIAM HEMSWORTH

Not like the other girls, yes.

KATE VERNON

You say that like it's a good thing.

MILEY CYRUS

Well, so far the other girls have been exactly like you, so it is.

KATE VERNON

(gasps)

Why, bless my heart! Your ex Melissa Ordway would NEVER speak with such impudence.

MELISSA ORDWAY

No, not at all, least of all to a girl whose dad set a church fire.

KATE VERNON

Okay, she wouldn't speak with such impudence to ME, anyway.

MILEY CYRUS

Why would anyone suspect Greg of setting a church fire? He's an awkward dad who likes music and innocent summer fun with his kids. And rebuilding the stained-glass window FOR THE CHURCH. He's basically Nicholas Sparks himself, if Nicholas Sparks actually lived up to his own masculine standards.

GREG KINNEAR

No, honey, she's right. At least, I think she's right. I know I was there, but everything after I took my medication is kind of a blur.

MILEY CYRUS

Medication? Oh God, not you too.

GREG KINNEAR

Yes, I'm about to be a cancer dad. That's why I wanted us to spend the summer rebuilding our relationship. Not that you could tell, since the raccoon got more screen time than me until now. But now that it's out there, we can--

MILEY CYRUS

Actually, hang on?

She helps CARLY get away from NICK, has a dress-shopping montage, attends LIAM's family wedding, helps CARLY get away from NICK again, makes sure the newly hatched TURTLES reach the ocean safely, and is just about to cook BEEF WELLINGTON and watch the entire two-disc DVD of THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS when--

GREG KINNEAR

(stumbles and coughs in the background)

MILEY CYRUS

Okay, okay, I'm coming.

BOBBY COLEMAN

BUT I'M SAD!!!

MILEY CYRUS

(groans)

Dad, just let me--

GREG KINNEAR

(weakly)

It's fine.

MILEY CYRUS

(hugs BOBBY)

Just think of it this way: You got to spend an entire summer with Dad, even if most of it happened offscreen. And he never pushed you to be a virtuoso, even though your talking voice causes just as much spontaneous eardrum bleeding as my singing voice. You'll turn out just fine.

BOBBY COLEMAN

GEE THANKS SIS!!!

MILEY CYRUS

(sticks cotton balls in ears)

You're welcome. Back to Dad.

GREG KINNEAR

(mumbles)

Finally. Anyway

BORING FOLK-ROCK SONG

(plays over them rebuilding their relationship and also a bunch of shots of LIAM)

GREG KINNEAR

...and that's everything I would have taught you if I'd gotten more time.

LIAM HEMSWORTH

Inspirational. By the way, just so everyone's clear, Greg didn't set the church on fire.

MILEY CYRUS

It was fire hobbyist Nick, right?

LIAM HEMSWORTH

He was there, but it was technically my friend who did it. The real takeaway is that everything would have been fine if I hadn't left before Nick started fire hobbying.

GREG KINNEAR

Well, thanks for filling me in. Let's not tell everyone who still believes it was me based on some really flimsy reasoning.

MILEY CYRUS

Why not? Why would you deprive me of another opportunity to stick it to Liam's ex, as if snagging him for the summer wasn't enough?

GREG KINNEAR

Because Liam's friend is a rich young white man with his whole life ahead of him. I'm going to be worm food real soon, and I'm almost all out of fucks. So here are my last words of fatherly advice: Miley, don't hold it against Liam for not telling us sooner about the fire. He wrote the word "forever" on your shoe. That means he really, really, REALLY loves you. Also, if you ever sing again, don't do it just because it would make me the happiest dead man who ever died. Do it because you damn well feel like it.

MILEY CYRUS

(sighs)

Well, I COULD try out that original piece you told me about. If you're up for it.

GREG KINNEAR

(hands over fully annotated sheet music)

That was easy.

MILEY CYRUS

(sings three notes)

GREG'S TUMOR

(ruptures)

INT. REBUILT CHURCH

MILEY speaks before the TOWNSFOLK.

MILEY CYRUS

Wait, why are any of you even here? Didn't Greg go to the grave letting you all believe he torched this place, even though you had no evidence and that would have been completely out of character?

TOWNSFOLK

That only occurred to us after we saw the stained-glass window.

MILEY CYRUS

(looks back at it)

Yeah, it's really something. Certainly not something that a real 12-year-old should ever try to finish on his father's behalf, no matter how dead his father is about to be. On the other hand, a 17-year-old finishing his original music? Totally fine. Strap in, y'all.

TOWNSFOLK

(put on those ear protectors that air traffic controllers wear)

MILEY CYRUS

(opens mouth)

STAINED-GLASS WINDOW

(shatters)

CHURCH

(breaks into splinters)

TOWNSFOLK

(temporal lobes burst like balloons)

LIAM HEMSWORTH

(wipes tear)

That was so moving, Miley. You couldn't have found a better way to honor his memory. And I can't think of a better time to tell you that I'm finally shaking off my mother's domineering nature and transferring to a school in a location that would please you more than her.

MILEY CYRUS

Oh, Liam, if this summer has proven anything, it's that our love is strong enough to never, ever--

END