The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. THE 50S
HEADMASTER NORMAN LLOYD greets this year's cohort of FUTURE ALCOHOLICS.
HEADMASTER NORMAN LLOYD
Gentlemen, welcome to Preppinstuff Academy. At this institution, we take pride in our long tradition of excellence in the destruction of souls. I therefore ask any young man who still has a soul to place it carefully in this industrial-strength shredder.
YOUNG ETHAN HAWKE shits HIMSELF.
ROBERT SEAN LEONARD
‘Sup, nerd? We’re gonna be roomies, you and me! Join us, we’re having a little school-mocking session.
GALE HANSEN
Better jump in, kid, this is your last chance to smile until Christmas.
ETHAN HAWKE
Golly, you guys, I hear this school is super-hard.
ROBERT SEAN LEONARD
Hey, it’s not so bad. We have a yearbook committee.
His father, KURTWOOD SMITH, bursts in.
KURTWOOD SMITH
NO YOU FUCKING DON’T.
(leaves)
ETHAN HAWKE
Wowee, Robert, your father sure is an irredeemable dickhorse.
ROBERT SEAN LEONARD
(through gritted teeth)
No, it’s cool. Colleges don’t care about extracurriculars. What was I thinking?
INT. MONTAGE OF EDUMACATION
The STUDENTS sit through LECTURES.
CHEMISTRY TEACHER
Imbalance! Does not exist! In this classroom! Does it?
STUDENTS
NO, TEACHER!
LATIN TEACHER
Misconjugation! Does not exist! In this classroom! Does it?
STUDENTS
NO, TEACHER!
MATH TEACHER
Tardy homework submission! Does not exist! In this classroom! Does it?
STUDENTS
NO, TEACHER!
TEACHERS
What do we study here?
STUDENTS
THE WAY OF THE BUTTPOLE, SIR!
TEACHERS
And what is that way?
STUDENTS
LEARN FIRST, LEARN HARD, NO QUESTIONS, SIR!
INT. ENGLISH CLASSROOM
ROBIN WILLIAMS begins his MOST UNORTHODOX POETRY LESSON.
ROBIN WILLIAMS
GOOOOOD MORNING, PREPPINSTUUUUUFF! Who's ready to carpe some diem?!
The STUDENTS stare blankly.
ROBIN WILLIAMS
You DO know what that means, right?
ETHAN HAWKE
I think my father said it once while shopping for ties, sir.
ROBIN WILLIAMS
I see I have my work cut out for me. Gentlemen, open your texts and rip out page 21.
The STUDENTS gasp in unison.
ROBIN WILLIAMS
Yes, the one with the algebraic poetry formula. That is seriously the biggest load of bullshit in the history of bullshit. And I've read the complete works of William McGonagall.
EXT. PREPPINSTUFF ACADEMY
ROBERT walks up to ROBIN.
ROBERT SEAN LEONARD
Um, Mr. Williams, sir? Is it true that you ran a secret poetry club when you were a student here?
ROBIN WILLIAMS
Indeed I did, Mr. Leonard, for bitches love poems.
ROBERT runs up to his FRIENDS.
ROBERT SEAN LEONARD
You guys, we HAVE to spend the night reading poetry to each other in a cave near a waterfall. So we can get girls.
JOSH CHARLES
I’m in. Alexandra Powers will totally dump her stupid football player boyfriend once I read poetry to her.
DYLAN KUSSMAN
Are you crazy? We can’t do anything the school doesn’t explicitly tell us we can do! Why, I haven’t taken a shit in days!
ETHAN HAWKE
Gee whiz, you guys, I'm too shy to read poetry.
GALE HANSEN
Come on, squirt, we'll bring Green Eggs & Ham.
INT. CAVE
GALE reads a POEM.
GALE HANSEN
"Thine eyes, so bright, to put to shame the moon/Mine words shall make thee giveth me some poon."
The GUYS applaud.
ROBERT SEAN LEONARD
I love this stuff! I'm gonna audition for the role of the servant to the king of the fairies in the school play!
NOBODY says a FUCKING WORD.
INT. ENGLISH CLASSROOM
JOSH reads a POEM.
JOSH CHARLES
"Sweetest Alexandra: Dump that jock/For I possess a most impressive cock."
The STUDENTS applaud.
ROBIN WILLIAMS
Very nice, Mr. Charles, she'll be putty in your pants. Mr. Hawke!
ETHAN HAWKE
Shucks, Mr. Williams, I don't know...
ROBIN WILLIAMS
Ethan, this is a place to express yourself freely, and BY GOD YOU WILL EXPRESS YOURSELF FREELY DAMMIT. Now look at this photo of Walt Whitman and blurt out the first thing that pops into your mind!
ETHAN HAWKE
“Leaves of grass/My ass!”
ROBIN WILLIAMS
TODAY YOU ARE A POET, MY SON!
INT. CAVE
GALE arrives with TWO GIRLS.
GALE HANSEN
Hey, guys, I brought some girls! They might have names, I dunno.
GIRLS
Tee-hee!
GALE HANSEN
Their tits have inspired me to write an editorial in the school paper demanding that girls be admitted to Preppinstuff. I wrote it in the name of heterosexual poetry-reading cave dwellers everywhere. But mostly us.
DYLAN KUSSMAN
Oh, you've REALLY done it now. We are SO DEAD.
GALE HANSEN
Come on, Dylan, what are they gonna say about teenagers who disagree with authority? "At these boys' ages? Not on your life!"
INT. ENGLISH CLASSROOM
HEADMASTER NORMAN LLOYD confronts ROBIN.
HEADMASTER NORMAN LLOYD
(actual line)
At these boys' ages? Not on your life!
ROBIN WILLIAMS
Norman, what’s with your insistence that new perspectives and ideas are cancer? What do you think they’ll do? Run out of the classroom screaming and demand a safe space?
HEADMASTER NORMAN LLOYD
Robin, the traditional lectures work. There's no reason to change them. In fact, the lecture I'm giving you now is due to appear in a charming medical school movie currently in production.
INT. ALEXANDRA'S SCHOOL
JOSH follows ALEXANDRA into a full classroom.
JOSH CHARLES
Alexandra, I have something very important to say to you in front of all these complete strangers. Ahem: "I am reading/a poem/that was in/my notebook/and which/you were probably/hoping/never to hear/Forgive me/you are delicious/so blond/and so... well, that’s all I really know about you."
ALEXANDRA POWERS
OH MY GOD LEAVE.
JOSH CHARLES
But... bitches love poems?
ALEXANDRA POWERS
Not as much as we love football dick. GET OUT.
INT. THEATER
ROBERT is onstage.
ROBERT SEAN LEONARD
"Activities in school are not so bad/I'm acting really well, so suck it, Dad."
The AUDIENCE applauds rapturously, except for KURTWOOD.
KURTWOOD SMITH
Your talent and passion disgust me. I'm sending you to military school, where you will pursue the career I chose for you when you were a spermatozoon.
ROBERT SEAN LEONARD
But, Dad, I have a mind of my own!
KURTWOOD SMITH
Is that what Williams has been telling you? Get out of my sight, you pansy! I'll emotionally abuse you further in the morning!
ROBERT proves he has a MIND OF HIS OWN by putting a BULLET in it.
KURTWOOD SMITH
NOOOOOOOO! MY EXTENSION OF MYSELF! MY EXTENSION OF MY CARTOONISHLY AUTHORITARIAN SELF!
INT. PREPPINSTUFF ACADEMY
The GUYS mourn ROBERT.
ETHAN HAWKE
Darn it, you guys, I bet Robert's dad made him kill himself!
DYLAN KUSSMAN
No, it was Mr. Williams. He made Robert think too much. Us too.
GALE HANSEN
That's what you told Headmaster Lloyd, didn't you, you little shit?
DYLAN KUSSMAN
You're fucking right I did! You think I want to risk my entire future for the sake of an English teacher we’ll only have for a year or two? I sold him out, I sold you guys out, and I'd sell you out again!
GALE punches DYLAN, which gets him expelled. He leaves reciting some REAL POETRY.
GALE HANSEN
“Cuz I’m as free-ee as a biiird nooow/And this bird you cannot CHA-A-ANGE!”
INT. HEADMASTER'S OFFICE
HEADMASTER NORMAN LLOYD hands a LETTER to ETHAN.
HEADMASTER NORMAN LLOYD
Mr. Hawke, your friends have been successfully cured of their creativity. They’ve signed this letter blaming Mr. Williams for Robert’s suicide, which will be much harder to stomach 27 years from now. If it’s true, add your signature.
ETHAN HAWKE
Um, sir, did you always have that pitchfork and goat horns?
HEADMASTER NORMAN LLOYD
Just sign.
INT. ENGLISH CLASSROOM
HEADMASTER LLOYD lectures the class.
HEADMASTER NORMAN LLOYD
I'll be teaching English until we find a proper cyborg to replace Mr. Williams. We shall now discuss poetry from a mathematical perspective, swear to God. Mr. Kussman,
(actual line)
read aloud the excellent essay.
ROBIN enters.
ROBIN WILLIAMS
Pardon me, sir, I believe I left my clown nose and slinky eyes in the file cabinet.
HEADMASTER NORMAN LLOYD
Make it quick, Williams, and none of that wacky personality. Mr. Kussman, please continue.
DYLAN KUSSMAN
"To fully understand poetry, you must approach it as something that can be plotted on a graph. Seriously, someone peer-reviewed this shit and charged $100 for it. Get used to this, kids, you'll be dealing with a lot of it in college."
ROBIN prepares to make his DESPONDENT EXIT. ETHAN stands up.
ETHAN HAWKE
Mr. Williams, don't leave! You didn't kill Robert! You put a smile on his face for the first time since preschool!
HEADMASTER NORMAN LLOYD
Mr. Hawke, take your seat!
JOSH CHARLES
Ethan's right, Mr. Williams! You didn't get me laid, but you got me inspired! Please stay!
HEADMASTER NORMAN LLOYD
Ass in chair NOW, Mr. Charles!
ETHAN HAWKE
Don't leave us, Mr. Williams! We ain’t never had a friend like you!
HEADMASTER NORMAN LLOYD
This thinking out of turn will not stand, gentlemen!
STUDENTS
Don't leave us, Mr. Williams!
ROBIN departs, hopefully secure in the KNOWLEDGE that he has provided his STUDENTS with so much JOY, the likes of which they may never – scratch that, WILL never see again.
END