FADE IN:

INT. OSCORP - ARACHNID CRUELTY WING - YEARS AGO

SPIDER-MAN’s dad CAMPBELL SCOTT is experimenting on some INNOCENT SPIDERS and steals some top secret SPIDER DATA.

At home, CAMPBELL meets with his wife EMBETH DAVIDTZ.

CAMPBELL SCOTT

By stealing that data I have put us in incredible danger, including our son Young Andrew Garfield. The only way to protect him is to straight up abandon his ass.

EMBETH DAVIDTZ

But that will lead to Andrew having a serious psychological Superhero Disorder! Wouldn’t it be better to just take him with us?

CAMPBELL SCOTT

Gee, let me think about it no.

They KEVIN MCCALLISTER YOUNG ANDREW.

INT. PLANE

CAMPBELL and EMBETH fly away from their parental duties on the DEADBEAT EXPRESS when the PILOT pulls a gun on them.

CAMPBELL SCOTT

Fuck! It’s Child Welfare Services! How did they find us so fast?!

PILOT

No, stupid. I’m a shady assassin here to get that spider data you stole! But also to punish you for leaving your kid. Total dick move. Hopefully Young Andrew won't grow up to be selfish jerks like you two.

(shoots Embeth)

The plane NOSEDIVES and CAMPBELL and the PILOT INCEPTION-FIGHT until CAMPBELL kicks him out of the plane.

As the plane plummets to its DOOM, CAMPBELL spends his last moments sending the airline a STRONGLY WORDED E-MAIL about their SHITTY CUSTOMER SERVICE.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY (WHERE ELSE?) - PRESENT DAY

The POLICE are chasing after a PLUTONIUM TRUCK that's been stolen by the scariest, most dangerous, most intimidating, most hardened criminal alive: PAUL GIAMATTI.

PAUL GIAMATTI

Am I really committing this crime while wearing a track suit?

ANDREW GARFIELD

(swinging in)

Howdy, Paul. Mind if I fling a few quips at ya in the douchebaggiest way possible while you try to shoot me in the face?

PAUL GIAMATTI

You realize you just wasted 10 seconds not stopping me in which I crashed into about twelve cars and killed and/or injured dozens of people, right? Andrew?

ANDREW GARFIELD

(swinging away)

Hold that thought while I go meet the film’s major villain!

ANDREW saves geeky Oscorp employee JAMIE FOXX from becoming PAVEMENT PIZZA.

JAMIE FOXX

Wow! Of all the people who were just horribly murdered thanks to your inaction you chose to save me!

ANDREW GARFIELD

Yeah, so don’t make me regret it.

In the 15 seconds ANDREW spent chatting with JAMIE, EVERY COP CAR on the EASTERN SEABOARD crashes into the back of PAUL’S TRUCK.

NYPD COP

Calling all cars! Abort Blues Brothers maneuvers! Repeat, ABORT!

PAUL GIAMATTI

Holy shit Andrew, are you even trying to stop me? I could have crashed this truck and contaminated the entire city with plutonium by now. Andrew?

ANDREW GARFIELD

(answering phone)

Hold that thought while I talk to my hot girlfriend Emma Stone.

EMMA STONE

Andrew! You’re missing our high school graduation! Hurry so you can hear my heavy handed foreshadowing speech!

ANDREW GARFIELD

High school? Did we flunk 12th Grade nine times or something? Besides I’m too busy being a hero and trying to save lives.

EMMA STONE

Then why the hell did you stop to take my call? In the 20 seconds you spent talking to me more people died you jackass.

ANDREW GARFIELD

I love you too, sweetums. Now to put this cell phone back into one of my many pockets, which this skin-tight leotard certainly has.

ANDREW finally stops PAUL and pulls down his pants because EWW, REALLY?

POLICE

Thanks Spider-Man.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Oh don’t mention it--

POLICE

I didn’t finish. I was saying thanks for taking for-fucking-ever resulting in multiple murders and millions of dollars in property damage you prick.

ANDREW GARFIELD

It could be worse. I could be a Kryptonian.

POLICE

Oooh, good point.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION (INSTEAD OF “COLLEGE” BECAUSE THAT WOULD MAKE TOO MUCH GODDAMN SENSE AND WE CAN’T HAVE ANY OF THAT, NOOOOOOOOOOOO)

EMMA STONE is making her VALEDICTORIAN SPEECH.

EMMA STONE

Live your life to the fullest, because death is closer than you think. Well THAT isn’t ominous.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Now, to celebrate by shoving my tongue all the way down your throat and into your stomach in front of all of your friends and loved ones.

EMMA STONE

Andrew, I love you... Which is why I’m breaking up with you. Besides, didn’t you promise my dad Denis Leary that you’d stay away from me in order to ensure my safety?

ANDREW GARFIELD

Yeah, but he’s dead so how’s he going to find out?

INT. OSCORP - FISH CRUELTY WING

JAMIE slips on a BANANA PEEL and falls into a tank full of GENETICALLY ENHANCED ELECTRIC EELS, having mixed up his SUPER VILLAIN ORIGIN with his entry to AMERICA’S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS.

JAMIE FOXX

(being Electro-cuted)

WHY DO WE HAVE A TANK FULL OF MAN-EATING RAZOR-TOOTHED EELS SERIOUSLY WHO PUT THIS HERE AARGHH!!!

JAMIE emerges from the tank as CGI-JAMIE. YES, this is in fact how he gets ELECTRICITY POWERS.

ELECTRIC EELS

In our defense we were engineered to fix nearsightedness and gaped teeth, so in that respect we're a complete success!

CGI-JAMIE FOXX

Wait, so Electro’s origin has changed from "struck by lightning" to "bitten by eels"? Thanks for fucking up ANOTHER franchise reboot, Orci and Kurtzman.

Meanwhile...

INT. OSCORP - EVIL EXECUTIVE MEETING ROOM

DANE DEHAAN addresses a table of EVIL EXECUTIVES.

DANE DEHAAN

My father is dead, so I’m the new head of Oscorp. Yeah, you heard me. Norman Osborn, the greatest enemy of Spider-Man in whatever medium he graces, is dead. We never saw his death, or the body, but it definitely happened. Any questions?

EVIL EXECUTIVE

How the fuck is a twenty-year-old the CEO of Oscorp? Why did our shareholders approve of this?

DANE DEHAAN

I know you’re all skeptical, but I’m determined to earn your trust! Now I’m making a cute girl I just met into the boss of you all. And I’m abandoning this meeting halfway through to go mope around New York for 12 hours. Laters!

DANE is approached by ANDREW.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Hey there Dane!

DANE DEHAAN

Uh, do I know you stranger?

ANDREW GARFIELD

It’s me! Your best friend Andrew!

DANE DEHAAN

Oh yeah? Since when?

ANDREW GARFIELD

The beginning of this scene!

DANE DEHAAN

But you’ve never mentioned me or our friendship before now, not once--

ANDREW GARFIELD

WE ARE BEST FRIENDS FROM CHILDHOOD. GOT THAT?

DANE DEHAAN

Whatever.

EXT. TIMES SQUARE

CGI-JAMIE is scared and confused over his new ELECTRICITY POWERS, which do not set his CLOTH HOODIE on FIRE for REASONS.

CGI-JAMIE FOXX

I must feed on the city’s power grid to survive! You know, like electric eels do?

ANDREW GARFIELD

Jamie, please calm down. I can tell you’re an innocent victim of Oscorp's evil experiments like me and that you don’t want to hurt anybody.

CGI-JAMIE FOXX

Hey, you’re right! It’s not like getting electricity powers can suddenly change my whole personality and turn me into a violent killer.

THE VOICES IN JAMIE’S HEAD

Fuck yes it can.

CGI-JAMIE FOXX

Oh. Damn. Well I guess I’m evil now.

ANDREW GARFIELD

You're hearing voices? Isn’t this basically Green Goblin and Doc Ock in the Raimi films all over again?

CGI-JAMIE FOXX

HOW DARE YOU BRING UP THOSE OTHER FILMS! I’LL TEACH YOU!

CGI-JAMIE attacks the city with DUBSTEP. ANDREW stops CGI-JAMIE by hitting him with a FIREHOSE.

CGI-JAMIE FOXX

Really? Turning a firehose on a black man?

ANDREW GARFIELD

Oh come on Jamie, put that card back in the deck. Besides you’re a Smurf now so it’s not offensive.

CGI-JAMIE FOXX

So wait, I got my powers from electric eels, which live in water, but water can stop me? So before I commit any super villainy I have to check the goddamn weather forecast first? Lame.

(is knocked out)

EMMA STONE

Andrew, I just witnessed you risk your life to save lots of people using annoying camera zooms and PS4 demo graphics. It was quite heroic.

ANDREW GARFIELD

So we’re back together now?

EMMA STONE

Well despite all that you’re still acting like a raging dickwad, so no.

CGI-JAMIE is captured by OSCORP.

CGI-JAMIE FOXX

I am? How? There were cops all over the goddamn place. Wouldn’t they have at least tried to arrest me? Does Oscorp own the police or something? Please don’t cut to the next scene without explai

INT. OSCORP - CRUCIAL PLOT POINT ROOM

DANE DEHAAN

Andrew, I am dying of Old People’s Disease just like my dad, who it turns out worked with your dad to develop a spidey healing cure. Spider-Man has vaguely spider-related powers so I figure his blood must be able to fix my genetic disorder!

ANDREW GARFIELD

There is no way you could make a bigger leap in logic than that.

DANE DEHAAN

Well "Magic Blood" worked for Kirk in Star Trek Into Darkness, which was written by the same two hacks who wrote this movie!

ANDREW GARFIELD

That explains why this all sounds like bullshit. But wasn’t there a whole room full of those spiders in the last movie? Why don’t you just let one of them bite you?

DANE DEHAAN

Oscorp was forced to destroy them all because of a lawsuit, which did not include destroying our equally dangerous electric eels for some reason.

ANDREW GARFIELD

A lawsuit? Filed by who? Certainly not the one dude who got bit by one of the spiders and was given superpowers. And for all we know the spidey-blood could kill you!

DANE DEHAAN

Dude, look at me. I’m already knocking at death’s door. I’ve got Hollywood Illness makeup on and everything! I'm sure Spider-Man will save me!

ANDREW shows up as SPIDER-MAN.

ANDREW GARFIELD

I’d really like to help you Dane, but I just remembered how much of an unlikeable asswipe I am, so no.

DANE DEHAAN

So why even meet with me in the first place?

ANDREW GARFIELD

To troll you by letting you get this close to the one thing that might save your life only to snatch it away from you. Good luck with that whole slow painful death thing!

(swings away)

NOT BLACK CAT

Dane, I have waited for this dramatically convenient moment to tell you Oscorp kept some of the spider’s venom in a vault, but they won’t let you in because plot.

DANE DEHAAN

Then I’ll just go team up with someone who has electric powers to help me break in!

INT. SALLY FIELD’S HOUSE

ANDREW GARFIELD

Aunt Sally, tell me what happened to my dad Campbell Scott.

SALLY FIELD

He stole the spider healing formula from Oscorp so he could sell it and left you behind because he thought you were a burden.

ANDREW GARFIELD

That totally alleviates my colossal fucking daddy issues. Thanks a lot, Sally.

SALLY FIELD

My pleasure. Also I'm a nurse now for some reason. Surely that will come into play later on?

It WON'T. Just FORGET SHE EVEN MENTIONED IT.

INT. ABANDONED SUBWAY TUNNEL

ANDREW finds his dad’s secret lab hidden inside a SUBWAY CAR that RISES OUT OF THE GROUND on HYDRAULICS.

ANDREW GARFIELD

How the fuck did my dad build this place without anyone noticing? Or hearing all the Transformer sound effects when it opens up?

CAMPBELL SCOTT

(on video)

When I created the genetically enhanced spiders I implanted them with my own DNA so only someone with my genetic code can get superpowers, that’s why I ran away.

ANDREW GARFIELD

That doesn’t explain why you took my mom with you. She had absolutely nothing to do with it!

CAMPBELL SCOTT

(on video)

Well, uh, good point...

ANDREW GARFIELD

And if Oscorp had figured out they needed your DNA what was stopping them from getting it from me, the son you abandoned?

CAMPBELL SCOTT

(on video)

Uh, yeah, that’s also a good point as well...

ANDREW GARFIELD

You fucking asshole!

CAMPBELL SCOTT

(on video)

All good points indeed...

INT. OSCORP BLACK SITE - HUMAN CRUELTY WING

CGI-JAMIE is being tortured by a scientist with a FOREIGN ACCENT so you know he is PURE EVIL. DANE breaks in.

DANE DEHAAN

Jamie, I’ll give you your freedom and give you whatever you want as long as you hunt down Spider-Man for me. You like that?

CGI-JAMIE FOXX

Kill superheroes and they pay you for it? What’s not to like?

DANE DEHAAN

Just so we’re 100% clear, you’re doing this because Andrew forgot your name then remembered it 10 seconds later? That’s some pretty lame motivation.

CGI-JAMIE FOXX

Sorry, but "rejected my TV/brain invention" and "skipped a meeting with me to go bone Rebecca Hall" was already taken.

DANE unchains CGI-JAMIE and he transforms into PURE ENERGY and reforms into DOCTOR MANHATTAN? Minus the FULL FRONTAL WANG, of course.

CGI-JAMIE FOXX

Am I wearing shorts? Where the fuck did these shorts come from? Did I make them out of electricity? How? Why? I’m so confused.

INT. OSCORP - VENOM STORAGE VAULT

CGI-JAMIE helps DANE break in and he injects himself with VENOM (no, not THAT ONE) and transforms into GOBLIN DANE.

GOBLIN DANE DEHAAN

It’s a good thing this is also the knock-off Stark technology storage wing!

He hops inside an IRON GOBLIN SUIT and TAKES OFF!

Meanwhile...

EXT. NEW YORK CITY

ANDREW stalks EMMA until she finally takes his SORRY ASS BACK.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Remember fellas, stalking isn’t creepy if she says yes. And if she says no, well, that’s what the ball gag and handcuffs are for.

EMMA STONE

Oh no! Jamie’s trying to drain all the city’s power! We have to stop him!

ANDREW GARFIELD

Don’t worry Emma. I’ll just go and have one more super villain fight with him then we’ll ride off into the sunset together and live happily ever after. Promise. Wink.

(swings off)

EMMA STONE

...why do I feel strangely uncomfortable all of a sudden?

INT. CITY POWER GRID

ANDREW fights CGI-JAMIE inside of a DAFT PUNK MUSIC VIDEO. CGI-JAMIE hits ANDREW with ELECTRICITY TENTACLES, because ELECTRICITY is a SOLID NOW.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Ha! I electro-proofed my suit! You can’t hurt me!

CGI-JAMIE FOXX

Dubstep disagrees!

CGI-JAMIE nearly kills ANDREW (and the AUDIENCE) with more DUBSTEP until EMMA hits CGI-JAMIE with a CAR. Because A HONDA > SUPERHUMAN.

EMMA STONE

I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit around and be dead weight like a typical helpless love interest! Now how can I help?

ANDREW GARFIELD

By not being here and putting yourself directly in harms way?

EMMA STONE

This is MY CHOICE to be here, meaning whatever happens to me is MY OWN DAMN FAULT AND NOT YOURS IN ANY WAY, GOT THAT? Now lucky I know the power grid so I can help you!

ANDREW GARFIELD

You "know the power grid"? You're fucking 18! Does Oscorp grant all of their teenage interns access to crucial city functions? That doesn't make spidey sense!

EMMA STONE

Look, I can either help you out or I can scream annoyingly for 20 minutes until you rescue me, which is it going to be?

ANDREW GARFIELD

Oh fine. My plan is to kill Jamie by overloading him with electricity!

EMMA STONE

So you want to give the monster that grows stronger on electricity... MORE electricity? I’m pretty sure he just devoured all the electricity in New York with no problem but okay whatever.

EMMA flips a SWITCH and KILLS CGI-JAMIE. The AUDIENCE tries not to notice how similar this is to the climax of IRON MAN.

GOBLIN DANE DEHAAN

(swooping in)

Hello, Andrew. I have deduced you are Spider-Man by, well, hearing Emma blab your name out. That happened. But because you refused to give me your spidey-blood I am going to threaten your girlfriend who had nothing to do with it, because super villainy!

ANDREW GARFIELD

Oh my God! You’re doing your role in Chronicle again!

GOBLIN DANE DEHAAN

What? No way! This is a totally new character for me!

ANDREW GARFIELD

A lonely teenager suffering from a lifetime of neglect from his asshole father who suddenly gained superpowers and went on a rampage? Yeah, that doesn’t sound like Chronicle at all.

GOBLIN DANE DEHAAN

Shut up! Now to fight my best friend since childhood using newfound flying powers and OH MY GOD YOU’RE RIGHT.

GOBLIN DANE grabs EMMA and threatens to drop her from the sky.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Let her go!

(realizes)

I mean no-- wait-- fuck!

GOBLIN DANE drops EMMA. ANDREW catches her with his SYMBOLIC WEB HAND, but the fall kills her dead.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Emma! Noooooo!! Why oh why did I ignore the foreshadowing?! Even though anyone with a passing knowledge of Gwen Stacey knows she dies, this is still pretty sad.

GOBLIN DANE DEHAAN

No, what's truly sad is the fact that I'm supposed to be Spider-Man's greatest nemesis and you effortlessly curb-stomped my ass in less than three minutes! That’s basically a cameo appearance!

(falls unconscious)

ANDREW GARFIELD

In honor of Emma's death I will give up saving people from the same fate as her by being Spider-Man no more!

(pause)

But ONLY for about five months or so. That's enough time to get over a dead girl, right? I think so.

(quits)

CRIMINALS

Whoo-hoo!

(goes nuts)

INT. TOTALLY NOT ARKHAM ASYLUM

DANE has been locked up and is looking LESS GHOULISH because REASONS. Well, less ghoulish than he USUALLY does.

MYSTERIOUS MAN IN BLACK

Dane, you may be in prison but we still have access to all of Oscorp’s evil "Sinister Six" technology.

DANE DEHAAN

Wait, Oscorp’s still running? How? We were nearly at the brink of collapse at the start of the movie thanks to the Lizard incident. How are we still standing after creating a giant electricity monster and after the CEO went on a killing spree?

MYSTERIOUS MAN IN BLACK

Beats me. Now let’s break Paul Giamatti out of prison so he can run around New York in a metal Toucan Sam costume. I’m sure that will accomplish... something?

(groans)

Fucking Orci and Kurtzman.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY - FIVE MONTHS LATER

RHINO-PAUL GIAMATTII terrorizes the city while wearing a really SHITTY MECH SUIT, because what this movie needs in its last 5 minutes is to introduce ANOTHER SUPER VILLAIN.

A LITTLE BOY dressed up as SPIDER-MAN faces down RHINO-PAUL while dozens of POLICE OFFICERS and BYSTANDERS just STAND THERE and WATCH.

SERIOUSLY. THEY DON’T MOVE ONE GODDAMN INCH TO SAVE THIS KID. THEY JUST LET HIM WALK STRAIGHT TO HIS DEATH. GREAT JOB THERE, NEW YORKERS.

ANDREW GARFIELD

(appearing)

Hey Paul, mind if you wait a moment to attack me while I escort this kid away from our battle?

RHINO-PAUL GIAMATTI

As a violent murdering psychopath I accept your request. Take all the time you need. Really. I’ll wait.

Then THEY FIGHT. ANDREW hits him with some CGI. Then the FIGHT is OVER, unsatisfyingly. This sums up the WHOLE MOVIE.

END

FADE IN:

INT. X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

The fuuuuck????

SONY

We included this post-credit scene solely to trick everyone into thinking there was actually going to be an X-Men/Spider-Man crossover. Yeah right! Thanks for giving us all of your delicious money, bitches!

END

OH GOD WE WISH THIS WERE THE END. STOP MAKING THESE, SONY. JUST GIVE THE RIGHTS BACK TO MARVEL ALREADY YOU GREEDY ASSHOLES.