FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK CITY

ANDREW GARFIELD is BROODING on a TALL BUILDING.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Who am I? You sure you want to know? If somebody told you I'm an average, ordinary guy not a care in the world...

(pause)

Oh shit this is the wrong Spiderman script! God, it's like trying to tell a hockey player apart from a convict. Better just start over.

FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK CITY

ANDREW GARFIELD is getting his ASS BEAT by bully CHRIS ZYLKA.

CHRIS ZYLKA

This will teach you to stand up for other weak defenseless kids whom I bully!

ANDREW GARFIELD

Well this is the last time I do anything for non-selfish reasons until halfway through the second act, so I guess it does.

EMMA STONE shows up.

EMMA STONE

Hey Chris you leave that Abercrombie model alone! We have to go to SAT prep classes, listen to self indulgent music, get drunk on non-alcoholic beer and do other high school stuff because we're high school kids. Honest.

ANDREW goes home to his Uncle MARTIN SHEEN.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Say Uncle Martin, I just found my dad's briefcase in the basement. This raises all kinds of questions such as 'why do you have it?' and 'is this movie really going to be this obvious about its plot devices?'.

MARTIN SHEEN

It's not important at all! It's just a briefcase, and definitely doesn't have a secret compartment with files in it like your dad's desk did!

ANDREW takes the case upstairs and finds SECRET FILES smeared with MATH! Also, there's a picture of RHYS IFANS, whom ANDREW GOOGLES.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Aha, Rhys was my dad's science BFF who now plays God by crossbreeding species. To Oscorp!

INT. OSCORP

ANDREW lies about his identity to sneak onto a tour, which is led by EMMA.

EMMA STONE

Hi, I'm the head intern here! And even though I needed several Master's degrees to get this position I'm just a teenager. Really.

(noticing Andrew)

Hey you're not a prospective intern here! Promise me you won't sneak off or I'll be in huge trouble.

ANDREW AGREES and then IMMEDIATELY SNEAKS OFF. He gets into RESTRICTED AREAS since OSCORP has an iOS GAME instead of a SECURITY SYSTEM.

ANDREW GARFIELD

This room is filled with spiders! And a giant machine with an unclear purpose! Gosh if science isn't dandy.

ANDREW touches one of the WEBS which causes the ENTIRE MACHINE to STOP WORKING and also covers him with SPIDERS, one of which BITES HIM!

ANDREW GARFIELD

How uncontrived!

ANDREW is CAUGHT but allowed to go home because TRESPASSING isn't ILLEGAL in the MARVEL UNIVERSE.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY

ANDREW discovers he has SUPERPOWERS by ACCIDENTALLY SEXUALLY ASSAULTING someone on the SUBWAY and BEATING UP her RESCUERS. This is the BIRTH OF A HERO.

The next morning, ANDREW visits RHYS' house after GOOGLING the ADDRESS.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Hey Rhys, I'm your best bro's son. Tell me about the top-secret research you were doing with him.

RHYS IFANS

Sure, you're entitled to that information. I want to grow my arm back using cutting edge science.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Couldn't you make some kind of robot arm instead?

RHYS IFANS

That's as idiotic as my not being able to continue the research after your dad died because I'm only a super genius whereas he was a super duper one.

ANDREW GARFIELD

The solution is obvious! You just have to account for the rings of polynomials obeying the commutative law often enough for the fractal geometry to quantify. Combinatorics.

RHYS IFANS

Of course! It's so obvious I might kill myself for not figuring it out! You can be my new assistant.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Ok! Hey, what's that sinister-looking device in the corner?

RHYS IFANS

Oh that's the Climactic Maguffin Device, used to spray either poison or antidote on an entire city. It doesn't have anything to do with anything and will definitley not be important later. Now let's get a nice long closeup of the Device to satisfy the director's Nolanesque hand-holding style of storytelling.

ANDREW goes HOME where he's YELLED AT by MARTIN SHEEN.

MARTIN SHEEN

What the fuck, Andrew? Not only did you get sent to the principal's office for using superpowers to outdouche Chris Zylka, but you also didn't pick up your Aunt like I asked! She had to take the subway home; she could have been sexually assaulted by a teen with newfound superpowers! Now I know I'm not your father but-

ANDREW GARFIELD

(interrupting)

Then stop pretending to be!

Realizing he's been reading the WRONG SCRIPT AGAIN, ANDREW storms off to a CONVENIENCE STORE.

ANDREW GARFIELD

I want to buy that chocolate milk because I'm a four year old.

CLERK

It's $2.07.

ANDREW GARFIELD

But I only have $2.05! Can't you spot me the extra two cents?

The CLERK DOESN'T DO THAT because ALL NEW YORKERS are HATEFUL PIECES OF SHIT. Suddenly the STORE is ROBBED!

CLERK

Somebody stop that guy! He took all the cash from the register, which amounts to maybe a fifth of the money in the store since I keep the rest in a safe in anticipation of this exact scenario!

MARTIN SHEEN notices the ROBBER drop a GUN and tries to grab it, earning lots of PARAGON POINTS in the process. He is also SHOT TO DEATH.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Oh melodrama! If only I had tried to stop the robbery! With my superpowers I definitely would have survived any gunshot wounds I received!

ANDREW starts hunting down THUGS who look like MARTIN'S KILLER but none of them have the 'Fuck Jed Bartlet' tattoo the killer did.

He also MAKES the SPIDERMAN COSTUME in a sequence that feels TACKED ON even though it REVEALS THE GODDAMNED TITLE CHARACTER.

INT. OSCORP

RHYS is EXPERIMENTING on AMPUTEE MICE, whose limbs he probably HACKED OFF in the first place. IRRFAN KHAN interrupts him.

IRRFAN KHAN

Is the Skele-Gro ready yet? Norman Osborn, who is your boss and who commissioned this research, needs it ASAP.

RHYS IFANS

(to the camera)

Norman Osborn. My boss. Everybody got that? What exactly is he dying from that regrowth potion will cure?

IRRFAN KHAN

He read the script for this movie and puked his guts out so he needs new ones.

RHYS IFANS

Well the serum isn't ready yet. I need to mutilate and then cure more mice before we test it on people.

IRRFAN KHAN

Nah. For some reason I'm trying to become the most unlikeable character since Stephen Dedalus so I'm going to fire you, take the potion and test it on American veterans without telling them. Fuck the troops! Fuck America! Bwa ha ha ha!

He LEAVES and RHYS injects HIMSELF with some SERUM that IRRFAN didn't take for some reason, casuing his transformation into a MONSTEROUS ADOBE AFTER EFFECTS PROJECT!

RHYS IFANS

Must... Kill... KHAAAAAAAAAN!!!

EXT. NEW YORK CITY

ANDREW has been invited to EMMA'S house for DINNER. He SCALES her BUILDING and meets her by her WINDOW on the 24th STORY.

EMMA STONE

Since you're really cute I find this charming and will ignore the giant red flag your entrance would send up if you were literally anyone else.

They sit down to dinner with EMMA'S father, POLICE CAPTAIN DENIS LEARY.

DENIS LEARY

Spiderman sucks. I wish he were here right now so I could give him a piece of my nightstick. But dramatic irony being what it is, I'll settle for taking out my frustration on the boy I just found alone with my daughter.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Spiderman's awesome! He's way better than the police at everything and should totally be allowed to date Emma.

DENIS LEARY

Actually my reasons for hating him are completely valid. He runs around beating up only criminals who look like Martin Sheen's killer and doesn't go out of his way to actually help people. But please, continue to make an ass out of yourself and ruin this dinner.

ANDREW DOES.

DENIS LEARY

Great! Now go hang out unsupervised with my daughter. Boy I'm a great dad!

ANDREW GARFIELD

You sure are! Mind if I expose my secret identity to her?

DENIS LEARY

Yes I mind! Oh wait, that wasn't a euphemism. Ok then, go for it.

ANDREW tells EMMA who he is and she IGNORES her father's points on WHY HE'S A DANGEROUS WACKO, proving she's a TEENAGE GIRL AFTER ALL! They KISS.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Well that was nice. But the plot is clearing its throat impatiently so I'll go check out all that screaming over there.

ANDREW SUITS UP and SWINGS through the CITY. This is in FIRST PERSON PERSPECTIVE 3-D because UNIVERSAL STUDIOS RIDES are the NEXT STEP in MOVIEMAKING.

DIRECTOR MARC WEBB

At least I balanced out the gimmicky 3-D by having a shallow depth of field in every non-action scene, which completely defeats the purpose of having 3-D at all! That way everyone's annoyed!

ANDREW arrives at a BRIDGE where RHYS is trying to murder IRRFAN, whose INDIAN ACCENT has suddenly become EXTREMELY PRONOUNCED.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Wow. You look like Bruce Timm's rejected Killer Croc concept art.

RHYS IFANS

Said the guy in the most patriotic gimp outfit this side of the Mason-Dixon line.

RHYS chucks SEVERAL CARS off the BRIDGE and RUNS OFF.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Diving for citizens! I'm finally in my element!

ANDREW SAVES EVERYONE, including A LITTLE KID! This lets us FORGET that ANDREW has been and will continue to be AN ABHORRENT SHITSMEAR of a person.

INT. OSCORP

RHYS has turned back into a human because HIS GENETICS UNCROSSED. ANDREW enters.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Hey Rhys, I saw that giant lizard monster on the news. How would someone with spider powers go about killing it?

RHYS IFANS

(ominously)

No one can kill it. Lizards are excellent predators. No one should even try to get in the way of their work. Especially not teenagers or actors pretending to be teenagers.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Ok wait. Do we know each other's secret identities or not?

RHYS IFANS

Well I don't know yours because the subtext of your extremely pointed questions has gone over my head entirely. You know mine because even though you can't get subtext either, I have some leftover scales. Also that test mouse has turned into an affront to God and is eating the other mice.

ANDREW GARFIELD

But we injected it days ago! Why didn't it turn back into a regular mouse?

RHYS IFANS

Because the script told it not to. Anyway I'm off to set up another lab in the sewers. Don't follow me there!

INT. SEWER

ANDREW sets up a GIANT WEB, which will tell him if RHYS is lurking in the tunnels to his right or left. In a move anticipated by EVERYONE EXCEPT ANDREW, RHYS attacks from ABOVE! They FIGHT and ANDREW gets ALL THREE DIMENSIONS of his ass KICKED. He SWIMS AWAY.

RHYS IFANS

Bwa ha ha! Nothing can stop the Lizard! I'm the next step in human evolution and--

(checking script)

Seriously, guys? A power-mad green villain talking to himself? Is there ANY difference between this movie and the Sam Raimi version?

INT. HIGH SCHOOL

ANDREW is talking with EMMA STONE, who is not KIRSTEN DUNST. So at least THAT'S DIFFERENT.

ANDREW GARFIELD

So now Rhys knows who I am because I left my expensive camera in the sewer like a dipshit. I also wrote my name on it like a bigger dipshit.

EMMA STONE

That's as obnoxious as claiming you created the lizard just because you gave Rhys your dad's algorithm. If we're going that far out on a limb we might as well say he created you by maintaining that giant spider machine.

ANDREW GARFIELD

But my way has more angst, which nobody has grown sick of yet. I assume.

Suddenly RHYS attacks!

ANDREW GARFIELD

My man made webbing isn't effective! The obvious solution is MORE WEBBING!

EMMA STONE

What are you going to do when you run out of web fluid?

ANDREW GARFIELD

Well that sure would add some tension to the scene and validate my having web-shooters instead of using Raimi's 'natural webbing' shortcut.

(checking)

Hmm it seems I have an infinite amount of web cartridges. Never mind!

ANDREW and RHYS fight some more! There's an ABSURD CAMEO by STAN LEE even though that STOPPED being clever EIGHT YEARS AGO.

RHYS IFANS

Whoops, time for the climax. See you at Oscorp!

(leaves)

ANDREW GARFIELD

Emma, Rhys is going to use the Climactic Maguffin Device to turn everyone in Manhattan into a lizard monster!

EMMA STONE

But Manhattan is New York City's only borough! I'll have to go to Oscorp and create an anti-serum!

ANDREW GARFIELD

And I'll run from the cops!

There's some RUNNING, some CHASING and some YAWNING before DENIS LEARY captures ANDREW.

ANDREW GARFIELD

You have to let me go! Rhys Ifans is an insane green monstrosity!

DENIS LEARY

Bullshit. Everyone knows the hulk is played by Mark Ruffalo, Edward Norton, or Eric Bana if you're a jackass about it. Anyway, I don't believe you.

ANDREW GARFIELD

But I'm your daughter's boyfriend!

DENIS LEARY

That changes everything! Go stop Rhys!

ANDREW swings toward OSCORP on GIANT CRANES moved into position by THE FATHER of the KID ANDREW SAVED earlier. Apparently ACTS of HEROISM must be VALIDATED and are not their OWN REWARD.

EXT. OSCORP

ANDREW gets down to BUSINESS and starts LOSING TO RHYS again. DENIS arrives and shotgun blasts RHYS in the FACE half a dozen times, making him the MOST BADASS person in a scene featuring two characters with AMAZING POWERS.

DENIS LEARY

Quick Andrew, you put Emma's anti-serum in the Climactic Maguffin Device while I hold off the unstoppable beast!

DENIS does this by FREEZING RHYS in LIQUID NITROGEN. This DOES NOT KILL HIM as SCIENCE has long since stopped APPLYING ITS FAT ASS to this movie. RHYS impales DENIS with his CLAWS.

RHYS IFANS

Huh, I wonder why I was always trying to strangle Andrew when I could have just stabbed him instead. Guess I'll try that now!

ANDREW GARFIELD

Nuh-uh! Go anti-serum!

RHYS is covered in ANTI-SERUM causing him to BECOME HUMAN and also A GOOD GUY who SAVES ANDREW from falling off the roof. SCRIPT REWRITES are DUMB.

DENIS LEARY

I'm dying, Andrew. I can only whore myself out to one franchise at a time and the world needs Ice Age: Mesopotamian Circle Jerk. Promise me you won't date Emma since she could be killed in a later movie.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Yeah right, that'll happen. And it'll be called The Death of Emma Stone's Character or something. But since you're dying I promise to leave her alone.

DENIS dies.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Actually I change my mind. Who wants to keep promises made to the dead when I can knock Emma up and make a kick ass sequel to Juno!

CREDITS

INT. JAIL

RHYS IFANS

Hey everyone- Lizard here! Just letting you all know we're making a sequel and the cool unique stuff you thought was going to be in this movie will be in that one. Please don't be mad that we tricked you into watching a crappier version of the same movie you saw in 2002.

(winking)

We won't do it again.

The ENTIRE PRODUCTION TEAM has a MASSIVE ORGY atop PILES of YOUR MONEY. BECAUSE THEY CAN.

END