The Abridged Script
EXT. NEW YORK, NEAR AVENGERS TOWER - 2012
Scrap salvage guy MICHAEL KEATON and his SCRAPPY CREW are salvaging scrap.
We hit the jackpot boys! That alien invasion may have rained down death and destruction but it also created tons of jobs for working stiffs like us! The satisfied smirk on my face is completely appropriate!
Everyone listen up! We're Marvel's Damage Control and we're possibly setting up our own TV series, so we're in charge now.
Really?! You know Agents of SHIELD is barely afloat and Powerless got cancelled faster than fuck, right?
Yes really! However, since we're all pulling together in the wake of this tragedy and we're bankrolled by the infinity dollars of DowneyCorp, allow me to cut you guys a check in compensation for all you've invesHAHAHAHAHAHA no really you can all fuck off and die.
Goddammit, I've lost my business, my livelihood, and my savings. All I have left is a crateload of super-advanced alien technology worth a fortune on the black market. What to do...
What if we sold the-
THAT'S IT! We'll sell alien scrap illegally, and I'll make a robot wing suit to get even MORE alien scrap! I shall become... BIRDMAN!!
You did that already.
Oh yeah. Batman? Shit, did that twice. What flying Marvel villains are still available?
How about Vulture?
Sure. I shall become... THE VULTURE! Sounds good. So good I will never use that name all movie. BWAH HA HA HA
CUE: MARVEL STUDIOS LOGO WITH ORCHESTRAL CLASSIC SPIDEY THEME, WELL THAT WAS SWEET BUT TIME TO DITCH THAT FOR A BRAND NEW THEME, DON'TCHA THINK? YES OF COURSE
INT. ROBERT DOWNEY JR.'S LIMO -- EIGHT YEARS LATER -- WHAT REALLY? SO THIS IS THE YEAR 2020 NOW?? THAT'S WEIRD BUT HEY, IT'S YOUR CINEMATIC UNIVERSE DUDE
TOM HOLLAND is showing his HOME MOVIE of CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR to ROBERT.
Apparently I'm smart enough to create synthetic webbing with the tensile strength of Hulk's clenched ass cheeks but I can't figure out how to film in widescreen. I'll remember next time though, promise!!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Look kid, I know you've just had a taste of the big time, but you need to squash that all down and be happy with your small-scale, mundane existence. As a teenager you should have NO problem taking the long view and seeing the bigger picture, right?
Don't worry, I can be patient SO WHAT'S THE NEXT MISSION?!? IS IT INFINITY WAR? BLACK PANTHER? UNTITLED AVENGERS MOVIE 2019?? FUCK THE SCHEDULE CAN WE DO ALL OF THEM RIGHT NOW PLEEEEASE
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
How about, let's do a quick alibi video for your aunt.
Hi Marisa Tomei! You sure are fuckable, I'm so hard right now! Ha ha ha. I'm in a serious longterm relationship.
INT. SUPER ETHNICALLY DIVERSE HIGH SCHOOL
TOM goes about his regular school day, keeping a low profile by MIXING WEB-GOOP AT HIS DESK and LIFTING UP ROWS OF SCHOOL LOCKERS HOPING NOBODY HAPPENS TO ROUND A CORNER.
Hey Tom you loser! Check it out, I'm the new "Flash" Thompson! Since I'm playing a bully I put on 60 pounds for this role, bringing me to a grand total of 72 pounds.
Hey Tom my BFF! How about we meet up later to build my new Star Wars™ Lego™ Death Star™ which you can purchase for the low low cost of wait $500 DOLLARS?! JESUS CHRIST! Am I holding down three jobs?
You guys are so lame. I wouldn't be caught dead with either of you dorks, what the hell am I even doing here? Oh right, Disney.
After school TOM stops by his favourite BODEGA.
Hey, Tommy! How's that hot piece of ass Marisa Tomei doing? I'd sure like to fuck her! I can't resist the way she pulls her pants aaallll the way up, oh yeah!
Is this really the best use of Marisa Tomei we could come up with?
TOM changes into SPIDER-TOM and thwips around town causing random MINOR PROPERTY DAMAGE until--
Oh kewl, those guys are robbing an ATM with advanced alien tech! Finally, a chance to cause MAJOR property damage!!
SPIDER-TOM leaps into action and almost WINS before the alien tech OBLITERATES HIS FAVOURITE BODEGA!
Oh crap! I was so focused on winning the fight, I didn't stop to think how that alien gun could go off wildly and endanger innocent bystanders!! Well I won't make that mistake a SECOND time! Certainly not on a ferry, THAT'S for sure!
INT. TOM'S ROOM
TOM slowly crawls into his room along the ceiling, and just when you think they probably filmed the whole scene upside-down so big whoopdie-doo, he drops to the FLOOR and finds-
(dropping his Star Wars™ Lego™ Death Star™ in shock)
OH MY GOD YOU'RE THE SPIDEY-TOM!!!!
What? No! I'll prove it by stripping almost naked and showing off my muscles, for already the second time! Hey did you know Peter Parker's supposed to be 15 in this movie? Chris Hansen alert!
You kids horsing around with no clothes again? I guess everyone's expecting me to make a gay joke here, but instead I'll be a cool understanding adult and not some James Woods asshole so cliche averted!
TOM and MARISA have gone out for THAI LARB which is TOTES gonna be the new SHAWARMA, yep, any minute now.
You've barely said anything all day. Yes, we're all relieved that we skipped over the spider-bite and Uncle Ben death rather than go through it all YET AGAIN, but it feels like the writers forgot to give us new things to talk about.
This dessert is on the house, because I'd really like to fuck Marisa. Hey babe, you wanna know what ELSE cums with great power?
OKAY ENOUGH ALREADY, geez.
INT. SCHOOL -- GYM CLASS
GYM COACH HANNIBAL BURRESS who is ALSO being used to his full potential plays a VIDEO for the students.
CAPTAIN CHRIS EVANS
Hey kids! So, you want to make a big successful superhero movie. Don't forget, superheroes are fun! Movies about them should probably contain at least a bit of something that is fun. Colours are also fun, don't be afraid to have more than two colours in your entire movie!
TOM and JACOB are doing FLOOR MAT EXERCISES when they notice TOM'S secret crush LAURA HARRIER and her friends doing SITTING AROUND CHATTING EXERCISES, including a round of FUCK-MARRY-KILL involving THOR, IRON MAN, and HULK.
Eww, why is "fuck Hulk" even an option? Anyway, my crush is on Spider-Man, so whatevs.
TOM KNOWS SPIDERMAN!!! ALSO HE WOULD FUCK ULTRON MARRY GROOT AND KILL IRON FIST BECAUSE THAT SHOW BLEW CHUNKS
Neat! Hey, I just so happen to be throwing a huge party this very night, you should come!
(aside to Tom)
This is great! You can show up as Peter, disappear, Spidey swings in looking for you, leaves, then you come back all "oh did I miss Spiderman?". We can easily do this stunt once, maybe even zero times before people catch on!
TOM is preparing to make his SPIDEY-ENTRANCE but sees a weird explosion in the distance, so goes to investigate! He spins the obligatory COMMUNITY-GUEST-STAR WHEEL and it lands on CHEVY CHASE, so he spins again and gets--
Hello, mister crime gear salesman. I'd like to buy some extremely small-scale minimal crime gear please.
That sounds like something we'd have established BEFORE I trucked all this hyper-deadly sci-fi arsenal out here.
They spot SPIDER-TOM and a NIGHT-TIME CHASE happens, MURKILY! At one point SPIDER-TOM runs past a TV playing FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF that illustrates how much better these scenes work in DAYTIME.
I've got them now, unless some robot-winged asshole jumps me from behind! Of course my Spider-Sense would alert me in time, unless maybe I don't have that yet WHOOOOOPS I GUESS NOTTTTT
(thrown in lake)
INT. MICHAEL KEATON'S HIDEOUT
KEATON and BOKEEM WOODBINE and TOM HARDY rendezvous back at--
Wait, Tom Hardy? Holy shit are we setting up Venom already?!
Ha! Just kidding! It's actually me, Freelance Tom Hardy Impersonator Logan Marshall-Green!
Well, for making me think about Spider-Man 3 you die now.
Looks like you get his punch-tech glove, Bokeem. Congrats on becoming less than half as powerful as Chloe Bennett.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL
TOM and JACOB meet up in SHOP CLASS.
I recovered this glowy alien energy device after the fight! Let's do science things to it in the middle of class in full view of everybody.
By combining their keen intellects they devise a scientific experiment of BASHING IT WITH A HAMMER which yields little results. After class BOKEEM shows up looking for it with a TRACKING DEVICE but TOM puts a TRACKING DEVICE on BOKEEM, WHO'S IRONY-MAN NOW??
INT. TOM'S ROOM
TOM and JACOB sit in a room watching the tracer move on a map instead of, I dunno, FOLLOWING IT.
The tracer's stopped! Bad news, it's in Maryland which is quite far away.
Hey wait! There just so happens to be a student Olympiad happening in DC like, tomorrow! And we both just so happen to be members of the high school student Olympiad team!! Along with Laura Harrier, AND Zendaya, AND Tony "Flash" Revolori, even though traditionally he's the meathead jock enemy to my nerdy underdog hero!
Wow. I'd call that a Dickensian coincidence except if I did, Charles Dickens would roll over in his grave, rise from the dead, and eat my face while ripping my dick off.
(RIP George Romero! Love, The Editing Room)
INT. MOTEL -- WASHINGTON DC
Now that we've tracked the guy who was tracking us, we need to remove the tracker from my suit so that Downey can't track me tracking the tracking guy. I can't build my track record if I attract Iron Man's attention!
Done! Also I unlocked all the secret murderkill settings of your suit!
Why did Downey give a 15-year-old a suit with secret murderkill settings?
Because with great power, comes great reckless use of that power, I guess.
EXT. RURAL HIGHWAY
ROBOT-WING MICHAEL KEATON is about to rob a DAMAGE CONTROL TRUCK when SPIDER-TOM arrives to thwart him with his COOL NEW SPIDEY-SUIT POWERS which include FUCKING UP HIS WEBS and KNOCKING HIMSELF OUT COLD.
Ha ha, Spider-Man is at my mercy, helpless to stop me from flying back to my hideout and vowing to someday find him and kill him.
Wait a sec, I should just
INT. DAMAGE CONTROL SUB-BASEMENT STORAGE - SOME TIME LATER
SPIDER-TOM finally wakes up and finds himself ALONE in the huge storeroom.
So those drivers really didn't notice my entire fight with Keaton or slamming myself into the truck's roof? And they don't even check their cargo's OK when they arrive? Maybe they really should have left Keaton's crew in charge of all this.
Hello Tom. I am the AI of your suit and I have Jennifer Connelly's voice, thus marking the first ever and only time she's been in a Marvel superhero movie, shut up. Your suit can make 30,000 versions of webbing because we're cramming in decades of comic writers' bullshit inventions all at once. Also, that glowy thing Jacob's carrying will explode if it contacts radiation, and whaddya know, that exact circumstance JUST HAPPENED back in DC!
Shit, how will I get back to DC in time?!? It took me 15 years just to get back to Marvel!
Wait, I'm in a warehouse full of bizarre alien tech, there's gotta be a jetpack or one of those flying platforms all the Chitauri aliens used? Or I could use my godlike engineering skills to build something?
Almost certainly, so let's use random interstate traffic instead.
EXT. WASHINGTON MONUMENT
As SPIDER-TOM draws near, the GLOWY THING explodes in a way that FRAGS an elevator but NOT any of the people inside! Also, the elevator is full of SPIDEY-FRIENDS!
Must risk certain death by scaling the Washington Monument! Well, at least ONE thing in this movie will justify watching in 3D.
SPIDER-TOM SAVES everyone and then plummets down the ELEVATOR SHAFT but everyone just assumes he's OK and it turns out he is, so it seems the threat of A REALLY BIG FALL was maybe overblown a wee bit.
TOM has been given DETENTION for blowing off the OLYMPIAD.
CAPTAIN CHRIS EVANS
Remember kids, you can't just throw a batch of public domain characters together nobody cares about, give it a dumb name like Dark Universe and just expect it to take off. You've gotta build from the ground up, maybe include some properties that don't carry the stench of failure.
TOM escapes detention by FUCKING OFF and tinkers with his SUIT instead.
Oh hey, the suit takes video of everything I do! Cool!
SUIT PLEASE ERASE ALL FOOTAGE BETWEEN WAKING UP AND MORNING SHOWER OKAY
AND BETWEEN MORNING SHOWER AND GETTING DRESSED
AND BETWEEN GYM AND FIFTH PERIOD
OH AND ALSO
Hours later, TOM uses the footage of DONALD GLOVER to learn his identity and track him down.
Hey Spiderman. I just so happen to have heard that someone I just happen to know is buying alien tech from Keaton on the ferry, and the deal just happens to be later today!
(summons giant sandstorm that engulfs Europe)
SPIDER-TOM barges in and starts TOSSING CROOKS ABOUT despite them having VOLATILE DANGEROUS ALIEN WEAPONRY since there was no earlier scene demonstrating how easily this can go horribly wrong.
Ha! I'm kicking ass! I can't wait until Mr. Downey sees how well I
(disrupts FBI sting operation)
What? Wait a sec I didn't mean to
(allows ferry to be cut in half)
I DO?! HOLY SHIT MAN I BETTER SCOTCH-TAPE THIS THING BACK TOGETHER WITH WEBBING!!
FUUUUUCK!!!! IF ONLY THIS WERE A SPEEDING TRAIN!!!!
IRON DOWNEY swoops in and snatches TOM's ass from the jaws of MASS MURDER.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Dammit kid. You need to let proper authorities handle shit and not take matters into your own hands. Y'know, like I always do.
How is the FBI the proper authority when they're even less equipped to fight supervillains than SHIELD? Or fuck it, you get here five minutes sooner, blast a few lasers through Keaton's Vulture-rig, he's DONE. Then you could curb-stomp the other assholes in about ten seconds. The whole thing would take less time than you've already spent chewing me out.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
I'm taking your suit.
Shit. Okay, here you go. You might want to download the suit's recording of the ferry battle, since I looked right at Michael Keaton and you could probably use face-recognition plus Stark-Tech to track him down before dinnertime.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Stop making this so easy, dammit!
INT. BACK TO TOM'S NORMAL ROUTINE
TOM glamours LAURA into going to HOMECOMING with him. He goes to pick her up but OH FUCK MICHAEL KEATON IS HER DAD!!!!!
Holy shit! My arch-nemesis JUST HAPPENS to be the Dad of a girl in my high school, and it's the SAME girl I have a crush on!
And my evil plan JUST HAPPENS to be culminating on the exact same night as homecoming night, which she's going to as your date!!
(devours distant star, destroying entire solar system of inhabited planets)
KEATON drives TOM and LAURA to the DANCE.
Don't you like Tom, dad? He reminds me of you because he disappears whenever Spider-Tom shows up.
Well that information, plus Tom's distinct "Marty-McFly-and-Bart-Simpson-go-to-Tosche-Station-to-pick-up-some-POWER-CONVERRRTERRRRS" voice, is all I need to deduce that he is in fact Spider-Tom. Hey Laura, why don't you head inside while we talk bird-to-spider.
Hm. Now that it's just me and you, guess I'll whup your ass since I'm Spider-Man and you're just a dude.
But I'm holding a gun that's not even pointed at you, which makes me way more intimidating than when you fought multiple dudes with guns pointed right at you.
KEATON drives off but TOM'S PHONE is still inside! TOM becomes SPIDEY-TOM!
Woo-hoo, time for more tracking! Has any movie in history ever had more tracking in it, I swear to-
(punched by Bokeem!!)
Sorry bud, Keaton said to kill you if you tried anything!
He only found out I'm Spider-Man ON THE DRIVE HERE, when did he have time to do that?
Spider-Man?!? No no, this is standard procedure for all Laura's boyfriends.
TOM webs BOKEEM to a BUS and tracks KEATON to his hideout!
INT. KEATON HIDEOUT
SPIDEY-TOM uses the advantage of surprise to ANNOUNCE HIS PRESENCE TO MICHAEL KEATON from across a SUPER LARGE EMPTY ROOM.
Tom, you gotta understand. I turned evil because Robert Downey Jr. fucked up my life! Which makes me, what, the ninth villain to have that exact same motivation?
Yeah, I'm thinking Thanos will turn out to be a summer intern that Downey dunked in food dye.
Anyway, thanks for not fucking up my Vulture rig when you walked past it earlier, and thanks for only webbing up ONE of my hands so I could still operate it!
The VULTURE RIG smashes shit and buries TOM under a billion tons of CONCRETE.
Shit! I'm doomed! Oh wait, I have super-strength. Duh.
That's better. The important thing is we referenced the iconic Spiderman scene which we already referenced in Civil War.
INT. DOWNEYCORP PLANE FULL OF RANDOM LEFTOVER COMICON MERCH
KEATON is robbing the plane MID-FLIGHT!
Aw yeah, fanboys will pay millions for this shit on E-Bay!
But SPIDEY-TOM is there to stop him! They FIGHT amongst EXTREME DARK CLOUDS and the plane becomes a HYPERACTIVE STROBE DISCO BALL because it's always fun to wrap up your summer blockbuster by inducing some NEUROLOGICAL EVENTS. Finally they CRASH ON A BEACH!
Joke's on you kid! I'm still going to fly away with this box of Downey autographed arc reactors!
I'll just ignore that.
(robot-wings catch fire)
I'll just ignore that too.
(robo-wings announce 5 seconds to self destruct)
This is fine.
Luckily TOM drags MICHAEL out of the FIRE and into A DIFFERENT PART OF THE FIRE so he's oooookay!
TOM and the OLYMPIAD TEAM debrief.
Hey guess what, I was
Moneypenny Robin Blofeld KHAAAAAN MJ, all along! Try to act surprised even though this was blabbed online months ago.
Cool! And, um, I'm really Jacob Jonah Jameson!! Huh? Huh?
TOM gets a text for a RANDOM HOOKUP in the SCHOOL BATHROOM and so naturally DROPS EVERYTHING to rush over, but it's actually a stealth invite to the AVENGERS COMPOUND!
INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Tom, once again you ignored my wishes and recklessly took matters into your own hands instead of asking for help. But this time it worked out so congratulations, you're an Avenger now! Check out your awesome new upgraded Spidey costume!
Yesss! Wait, is Gwyneth Paltrow here?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Well yeah, she had some ideas about your web goop, and-
INT. TOM'S ROOM
TOM gets home and finds a PACKAGE containing what is now the OBSOLETE, SECOND-BEST SPIDEY-SUIT, HURRAY!! He puts it on and struts around a bit.
Well, that was quite the adventure! I went through a lot but I've emerged a little wiser, a little more mature, and a whole lot more responsi-
I JUST CAUGHT YOU IN THE SPIDEY-SUIT IN YOUR ROOM LIKE JACOB DID AT THE BEGINNING OF THE FUCKING MOVIE, YOU HAVEN'T LEARNED JACK SHIT
INT. MID-CREDITS BONUS SCENE -- PRISON
KEATON is approached by a CRIMINAL looking for info on SPIDER-TOM.
I'm going to give my villain an extra glimmer of depth by protecting Spider-Tom's identity.
But... didn't you tell Bokeem right away once you found out? And weren't you calling Spidey by his real name over radio-comm while your tech guy was listening in?
Well you seem to be angling for the part of Scorpion, and that character sucks so fuck off.
INT. POST-CREDITS BONUS SCENE
CAPTAIN CHRIS EVANS
Hello audience. By sitting through all the credits, you've shown great patience. And patience is a virtue! But remember: even great patience is finite, so you don't want to risk exhausting it by, oh let's say, waiting eleven years before giving a woman a lead role. Ha ha, DC, you affable fools-
--huh? That one's us? Fuck.