FADE IN:

EXT. A UNIVERSE - THE HAILEE STEINFELD ONE, DON’T ASK ME WHAT NUMBER, LIKE ANYBODY CAN KEEP THEM STRAIGHT

HAILEE STEINFELD is SPIDER-HAILEE and she is MISERABLE.

HAILEE STEINFELD (V.O.)

Hey everybody. We kind of skimmed over my backstory last time so let’s go into it in a bit more detail.

ALTERNATE PETER PARKER

BLARGH WHY HAILEE HAS SUPERPOWERS AND NOT ME! MUST TAKE MONSTER SERUM!

(becomes lizard, squashed in spider-fight)

So in addition to Dead Peter Parker and Comically Washed-Up Peter Parker, this franchise now also has Fragile-Ego Reckless-Dipshit Mutant-Freak Peter Parker Who Is Also Dead. We seem to have a bit of a grudge against Peter Parkers around here.

(dies)

SHEA WHIGAM

Gasp! I, Hailee’s police captain dad, just saw Spider-Hailee near Peter Parker’s corpse, so I assume she killed him, not the giant lizard monster that five hundred witnesses saw!

J.K. SIMMONS

Rant rant MENACE rant rant rant PICTURES OF SPIDER-MAN, that’s right folks, I have a fucking MONOPOLY on this role! Although it’s kind of inevitable they’d rope me in, after the first movie had Hailee “Hawkeye” Steinfeld and Nicolas “Ghost Rider” Cage and Liev “Sabertooth” Schrieber and Kathryn “Agatha Harkness” Hahn and Brian Tyree “Phastos” Henry and Mahershala “Cottonmouth and maybe Blade someday if that movie ever gets its ass in gear” Ali and Lake “Cartoon Black Widow and science lady from Wakanda Forever” Bell and Oscar “Apocalypse and Moon Knight” Isaac and Stan “All of the Stan Lees” Lee. We do seem to want all of the Marvel actors up in this joint.

SHEA “CHIEF DOOLEY FROM THE FIRST SEASON OF AGENT CARTER” WHIGHAM

You’re not kidding!

HAILEE STEINFELD (V.O.)

So yeah, all of that happened and I was super depressed. But then I met Shameik Moore and learned the power of friendship! But THEN I came home and learned the power of no friendship other than with Shameik Moore. So we’re back to miserable.

She is alerted to an attack at a MUSEUM, and goes there to find RENAISSANCE VULTURE who is a PENCIL SKETCH drawn on PARCHMENT.

SPIDER-HAILEE

Okay, wait. Is there like a Renaissance Spider-Man I don’t know about? Hang on.

(checks Marvel wiki)

I’m seeing a Marvel 1602, but that didn’t have this whole Da Vinci blueprint aesthetic and as far as I can tell Vulture didn’t show up...

VULTURE

Look, we’re doing every inch of Spider-Man lore from across every medium from its entire sixty-year run, just throw your hands up in surrender and assume it’s all real somewhere, YES including the T-rex.

SPIDER-OSCAR

(portalling in)

There’s also me, an edgy and brooding vampire Spider-Man from the future who has spikes on his arms and whose webs are lasers! Apparently I’m a character from the actual comics, not a doodle in the margins of a middle-schooler’s algebra textbook.

SPIDER-ISSA

(portalling in, on a motorcycle)

And I’m a pregnant black Spider-Woman, who will probably make the choads who still can’t get on board with regular black Spider-Man have a collective aneurysm!

There ensues an ACTION SEQUENCE that happens with such SPEED and DENSITY and VARIETY OF ANIMATION STYLES that it’s basically impossible for the human brain to follow it all, so clearly we’re right back into that INTO THE SPIDER-VERSE GROOVE. Eventually they stop a HELICOPTER from crashing on SHEA, but then he still pulls his gun on HAILEE like an UNGRATEFUL DICK.

SPIDER-HAILEE

Whoops, better vamoose - oh no, my web shooters are damaged! Crap, how can someone with mere super-strength, super-agility, and lightning-fast reflexes ever get away from a middle-aged dude with a gun?

(takes off mask)

Don’t shoot, it’s me, your daughter!

SHEA WHIGHAM

(still pointing gun)

REGARDLESS, FREEZE OR I’LL SHOOT!

HAILEE STEINFELD

Wow. Cops really are committed to being assholes, aren’t they? Fuck this, I’m running away to join the Spider-Circus.

She PORTALS AWAY with OSCAR and ISSA.

INT. NEW YORK CONVENIENCE STORE

In an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT UNIVERSE, SPIDER-SHAMEIK is on his way to an APPOINTMENT with his GUIDANCE COUNSELLOR when he espies BLACK-AND-WHITE SUPERVILLAIN JASON SCHWARTZMAN clumsily attempting to steal an ATM.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

SPIDER-SHAMEIK! You don’t remember me, but you’re responsible for my freakish full-body-Rorschach appearance! You blew up that supercollider and mutated me! Also earlier in the movie you beaned me with a bagel, which is a totally unrelated incident. But the internet is gonna decide that the bagel is directly responsible for all of this, because it’s funnier that way!

SPIDER-SHAMEIK

An understandable conclusion, bagels and multiverses famously do not mix well.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

When the collider zapped me I got blobs of black interdimensional rift stuff all over me, turning me into the black-stuff-themed supervillain, Schwartz Man! And now I’m driven solely by a hunger for REVENGE against you for inadvertently ruining my life!

SPIDER-SHAMEIK

Ah. This is what happens when your universe doesn’t have a Tony Stark to absorb this sort of shit.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

Anyway, now I will unleash-

(slips on cosmic banana peel)

oopsie

(accidentally opens rift in medieval blacksmith’s forge, anvil lands on head)

YOWCH

(portals both feet into separate pots of superglue, gets stuck)

Look I’m new at this, okay?

SPIDER-SHAMEIK

You’ve had these powers for a YEAR, dude.

He leaves JASON tied up with a “KICK ME” sign taped to his face and a DOG urinating on him, which will surely not come back to bite him at all, then goes to attend that GUIDANCE COUNSELLOR INTERVIEW with his parents BRIAN TYREE HENRY and LAUREN VELEZ.

LAUREN VELEZ

Are you sure you want to go to Princeton? That’s all the way over in Jersey! Are you sure they haven’t opened any universities with prestigious physics programs in the lobby of our apartment building?

SHAMEIK MOORE

Come on guys, I have to go to New Jersey. It’s the only way I’ll get a break from all these supervillains! When have you ever heard of a superpowered hero or villain setting foot in Jersey? But here we’re ass-deep in them! Hell, I literally bumped into a new one five minutes ago while trying to pick up a breakfast burrito! Speaking of which, I can see through the window that he’s escaping YOIKS GOTTA GO

He heads out to fight JASON some more, but then JASON manages to accidentally DISAPPEAR UP HIS OWN ASS like he’s the VENOMVERSE or something.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

(bouncing around the multiverse)

Oh hey, it turns out my portals allow for interdimensional travel! You’d think that’s something that I, a scientist who specializes in interdimensional travel, would have figured out by now. But hey, being able to traverse the multiverse is a really useful and lucrative ability! I could use my powers to become really famous, wealthy, and popular, thus un-ruining my life and then some!

(pause)

Or I could just use them to wreck Spider-Shameik’s life because IRON MAN LOGIIIC

INT. SHAMEIK’S ROOM

Later, SHAMEIK is lying on his bed, stressing out about that whole SUPERHEROISM-LIFE BALANCE thing that SPIDER-FOLK are traditionally shit at.

SHAMEIK MOORE

Dangit, I missed the party celebrating my dad’s promotion because crimes kept happening in my immediate vicinity! If only I lived in a world where random shoplifters weren’t worth actual superhero intervention!

Suddenly a PORTAL opens up in his room and HAILEE spills out.

HAILEE STEINFELD

Hi Shameik, long time no see! I thought I’d materialize directly into a teenage boy’s bedroom, which any parent could tell you was a MAJOR fucking gamble.

SHAMEIK MOORE

Hailee! How can you cross dimensions at will?

HAILEE STEINFELD

I’m part of Oscar’s Spider-Man All-Stars crossover event team now! There’s a bunch of us who trek the multiverse, sending dimensional anomalies back to their own universe! But NO you can’t join and DO NOT ask me why, in fact I probably shouldn’t have mentioned the team in the first place. What team?

They go out on a SPIDER-DATE. At one point they end up hanging under a LEDGE of a SKYSCRAPER, sometimes clearly not touching it with either their HANDS or their FEET, which suggests that SPIDER-POWERS include an ADHESIVE BUTT.

SHAMEIK MOORE

So as you probably gathered from my creepily extensive sketchbook full of drawings of you, I like you, Hailee. Do you think sometime you and me could-

HAILEE STEINFELD

HEY DID I MENTION that after studying the multiverse I now know that every Gwen Stacy who dates Spider-Man winds up getting fridged out of existence? So, yeah.

SHAMEIK MOORE

Oof, that’s a new kind of rejection. Not many girls could pull off “It’s not you, it’s the immutable will of fate”.

HAILEE leaves, but then SHAMEIK follows her invisibly (remember that power? The one he doesn't immediately use at the start of every fight for some reason? Yeah that one) to JASON’S HOUSE, which is now full of GAPING HOLES like it’s the VENOMVERSE or something. HAILEE contacts ISSA.

HAILEE STEINFELD

Jason scienced up some more black crap and used it to port out of the universe! I know I was supposed to be keeping an eye on him, but I thought I had it covered by planting a bug at his place!

ISSA RAE

You mean the one that had no means of contacting or alerting you, and whose only purpose is to show you a recording of how fucked we are?

HAILEE STEINFELD

Yeah, that useless fucking thing!

She uses her PORTAL WRISTWATCH to portal after JASON, and SHAMEIK follows.

EXT. MUMBATTAN

HAILEE and SHAMEIK arrive in the INDIA/AMERICA MASHUP MUMBATTAN, which is presumably on the opposite coast to BIG HERO 6’S SAN FRANSOKYO. There they meet KARAN SONI.

SPIDER-KARAN

Hi! You might recognize me as the Indian Spider-Man from the comics! Alternately, you might not, since I look nothing like Indian Spider-Man from the comics. For instance, he didn’t have this amazing topiary sculpture of a haircut!

SPIDER-SHAMEIK

I can see why. That voluminous eighties-style side-sweeping thing should be a bigger identity giveaway than Tobey Maguire’s squeaky voice.

SPIDER-KARAN

Anyway let me show you around our hybrid city, which is very Indian in a way that makes you wonder if it’s just a shade stereotypical.

SPIDER-SHAMEIK

Yeah maybe once we’ve caught Jason, who’s currently on his way to give himself cosmic abomination powers remember? Let’s-

SPIDER-DANIEL

(swinging in with electric guitar)

YO MATES I’M DANIEL “W’KABI” KALUUYA THE PUNK SPIDER-MAN FUCK THE ESTABLISHMENT INNIT

SPIDER-SHAMEIK

For fuck’s sake guys, is a chase scene really the best place to try and introduce a bunch of new characters?!

SPIDER-DANIEL

Well we would’ve waited for a scene which wasn’t barreling ahead in a frantic rush but this is a Spider-Verse movie bruv, they only get like three of those apiece and we’ve already used all of ours.

SPIDER-KARAN

At any rate, check out how effortlessly cool I am, Shameik! Way moreso than you! Doesn’t that make you feel insecure?

SPIDER-DANIEL

Nah mate, check out how MORE effortlessly cool I am, which you should get even MORE self-conscious about!

SPIDER-SHAMEIK

Ugh, I got enough of this shit in the first movie. Are we gonna have literally every Spider-Man be more impressive than Miles Morales? Except Peter Parker, I guess?

SPIDER-DANIEL

Psshhh, of course Miles Morales and Peter Parker are pathetic lame-o losers, the only GOOD Spider-Mans are the super-niche obscure ones that you probably never heard of! ...Oh shit, I think this Spider-Society might be made up of comic snobs.

As KARAN and DANIEL bond over their shared HATRED of the BRITISH GOVERNMENT, they all chase down JASON to this universe’s version of the KINGPIN LAB, where he’s trying to use the SUPERCOLLIDER to zap himself full of ALL THE BLACK STUFF. They WEB HIM and try to pull him out of the COLLIDER.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

Nice try, but after a year of incompetence I’ve now gotten enough finesse with my powers to sever your web with my mind!

SPIDER-HAILEE

You could also get the same effect by severing me and Karan and Daniel’s heads, if you’re really committed to the whole ruining-Shameik’s-life thing.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

Fortunately it’s another thirty seconds before I get quite that dark. Literally!

He pours A MILLION TONS of BLACK STUFF into himself and becomes a GLOBBY MASS of BLACK TENDRILS.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

BWA HA HA, LOOK AT ME NOW, SHAMEIK! AT FIRST YOU THOUGHT I WAS JUST A DORKY ANNOYANCE, MORE A THORN IN YOUR SIDE THAN A LEGITIMATE THREAT, BUT NOW I’VE COVERED MYSELF IN BLACK GOO AND BECOME MANY TIMES MORE POWERFUL!! WHICH IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT TO WHAT TOPHER GRACE DID, FUCK OFF.

SPIDER-SHAMEIK

(brainspamming)

Ugh, what’s this? Visions of you destroying my home town and killing my dad! Why the fuck would you absorbing dimensional rift energy cause me and only me to have a vision of the future?

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

(shrugs)

FUCK IF I KNOW. WHY DID HAILEE TRAVEL BACK IN TIME IN THE FIRST MOVIE? SOMETIMES STUFF JUST HAPPENS BECAUSE WE WANT IT TO.

(checks watch)

ANYWAY, THAT’S ABOUT IT FOR ME. SEE YOU IN THE THIRD ONE!

(leaves universe)

The entire LAB starts COLLAPSING IN ON ITSELF and DESTROYING A NEARBY BRIDGE! SPIDER-KARAN and SPIDER-SHAMEIK swoop in and save a BUNCH OF PEOPLE, including the CHIEF INSPECTOR DAD of KARAN’S LOVE INTEREST. But then a WORMHOLE opens up nearby and starts EATING THE CITY! ISSA ports in to help.

SPIDER-ISSA

You guys get out of here and regroup at headquarters! Me and my team will... geez, I dunno. Given what we later learn about this wormhole, write this universe a quick apology note and scram, I suppose.

SPIDER-SHAMEIK, SPIDER-HAILEE, SPIDER-KARAN and SPIDER-DANIEL all port out of there.

INT. SPIDER-HQ

The team arrive at the HEADQUARTERS of the SPIDER-FORCE, where there are SO MANY SPIDER-MANS, SO SO SO MANY, OF SO MANY DIFFERENT VARIATIONS, there are like CATS and HORSES and a CAR which was presumably bitten by a radioactive SPYDER har de har.

HAILEE STEINFELD

That’s right, to the people who said the first movie had too many Spider-Mans we’ve said FUCK YOU, HERE’S EVERY SPIDER-MAN WHO EVER EXISTED. And boy I hope we did get them all, I mean even if we only missed like Spider-Manchego from the Marvel Cheeses one-shot that was only released as a promotional tie-in for Kraft Dinner in Canada in 1993 or whatever, some weirdo fan out there would never shut up about it.

KARAN SONI

We’ve also got a very ethically questionable museum of Spider-Man villains just sitting out in cages for folks to gawk at, including the live-action MCU Donald “Prowler” Glover! Which means only animated characters "glitch" when in the wrong multiverse I guess, but I thought "What If?" was doing alternate stories of live-action characters? Because...

DONALD GLOVER

(remarkably unconcerned)

Just move on.

They take SHAMEIK to meet OSCAR.

OSCAR ISAAC

Hey Shameik, welcome to our highly organized and regimented Spider-Militia! Where all Spider-Entities conform to the system and follow an established chain of command!

DANIEL KALUUYA

I HATE CONFORMITY MATE, SMASH THE ESTABLISHMENT

OSCAR ISAAC

Yeah we find it completely unsuspicious that that guy is here and give him free access to the nerve centre of our operation, I'm sure he won't steal our tech or let our prisoners loose or anything.

JAKE JOHNSON

And look! I’m here too, finally!

KIMIKO GLENN

Also me! ...For exactly one line. And no Nic Cage or John Mulaney. I guess we crammed in so many Spider-Mans that there was no room left for the ones the audience actually cares abo

(vanishes)

JAKE JOHNSON

But check it out, I’ve got a baby now! A baby who’s already manifesting spider powers! So I’m going to have to either isolate her completely from society until she’s like eight, or accept that my secret identity is FUCKED.

SHAMEIK MOORE

Wait a minute, you have a kid who’s at literal wall-crawling age? But the last movie-

JAKE JOHNSON

Took place just a year ago, I know, the internet can do math and now everybody knows exactly how well that reunion went.

OSCAR ISAAC

Anyway Shameik, why don’t you take a good look around the place? Meet as many of the Spider-Mans as you like! Hey, we could even send you on a few missions if you want, would you like that? Stay a week, fuck it!

SHAMEIK MOORE

Um, what the hell are you doing?

OSCAR ISAAC

I thought I’d try this crazy idea of NOT telling you the one piece of information that’ll make you flip out and fight us all. Ah the hell with it, it was worth a try.

(sighs)

See, I know you want to go back to your universe to stop Jason from murdering your dad. But what you don’t realize is that the very physics of this multiverse is hopelessly meta - metaphysics, if you will - and insists that all Spider-Mans go through a checklist of “Canon Events”, and any universe where a Canon Event doesn’t happen dissolves into nothing. You’ve got your dead Uncle Ben moment, your dead Captain Stacy moment, uh... other stuff, I’m sure. That’s why that wormhole opened up in Mumbattan when you saved the Chief Inspector! And that’s why you SHOULDN’T save your police captain dad!

KARAN SONI

Whoa, hold up, are you saying my entire universe just disintegrated?! You do realize that would mean Shameik just accidentally killed billions of people?

SHAMEIK MOORE

Or was Issa able to keep that universe intact despite a Canon Event being disrupted? Because if that’s something you guys can do, then there’s not really a conflict.

OSCAR ISAAC

Yeah both of those options kind of suck for us so how about let’s not think about what happened in Mumbattan ever again, okay? The point is we don’t save police captains around here!

HAILEE STEINFELD

Then how come you and Issa helped me save my police captain dad at the beginning of the movie?

OSCAR ISAAC

Uh, that... that was... maybe because that Vulture was an anomaly from a different universe, that wasn’t how your dad was meant to die?

SHAMEIK MOORE

But Jason was in the wrong universe and you say I wasn’t supposed to stop his murders from happening.

OSCAR ISAAC

Ummmm

SHAMEIK MOORE

Also, look at all the Spider-Mans you have here. You do realize a decent number of them never lost a police captain they were close to, right? And some of them clearly never will, like the literal dinosaur from prehistoric times? Or Daniel “Fuck Da Police” Kaluuya over here?

OSCAR ISAAC

Errrr

SHAMEIK MOORE

And even ignoring all that, how can you believe that every Spider-Man has to follow the same script when you yourself were never even bitten by a radioactive spider?

OSCAR ISAAC

ENOUGH QUESTIONS! SEIZE HIM, SPIDER-PEOPLE!!

INSOMNIAC GAMES SPIDER-MAN

Yes, I will indeed seize Miles Morales to stop him from saving his father, even though I personally know a Miles Morales who lost his dad and is grieving deeply about it! Yikes, good luck enjoying Spider-Man 2 when it comes out now that you know I’m apparently an asshole.

THE SPECTACULAR SPIDER-MAN

I also will participate in this awful thing! That’s right Spider-Man nerds, all your favorite Spider-Man variants are here and they’re all colossal JERKS, aren’t you happy?

A GIGANTIC MASS of ALL THE MOST SKILLED AND POWERFUL SPIDER-BEINGS from EVERY MEDIUM from ALL TIME charge after SHAMEIK, and he manages to out-swing THE WHOLE DAMN LOT OF THEM because SONY ANIMATION wants you to understand that THE BEST SPIDER-MAN is SONY ANIMATION’S OWN PATENTED SPIDER-MAN. Eventually they’re pursuing him up a HIGH-SPEED TRAIN which is going right up the side of a BUILDING which, judging by how long this bit lasts, is apparently about THIRTY MILES HIGH.

OSCAR ISAAC

Look you idiot, you’re not even supposed to be Spider-Man! Your radioactive spider came from a whole other universe, you weren’t supposed to get bitten and your Peter Parker wasn’t supposed to die! The fact that there are a bunch of other Miles Moraleses out there from various media who got spider-powers and took over from dead Peter Parkers is, uh, just a weird coincidence.

SHAMEIK MOORE

Oh come on, that just raises MORE questions! If my whole existence is an anomaly, shouldn’t my universe already be dust by now? Also, if I’m not meant to even be Spider-Man, why the hell does it matter if I do your stupid Canon Events or not?

OSCAR ISAAC

I’ll be honest, there’s a non-trivial chance that my entire “Canon Event” theory is a pile of white-hot baloney, and that I and the other Spider-Mans only cling to it because it lends meaning to our personal tragedies. It kind of has to be, really, so the audience doesn’t have to worry too hard that you’re currently trying to go destroy all of reality.

SHAMEIK MOORE

Well at any rate, this entire chase has been a diversion! I got all the Spider-Creatures to come out after me, leaving your headquarters and its convenient go-back-to-your-own-universe machine unguarded!

OSCAR ISAAC

Except for that machine’s operator. And all the Spider-Mans who visibly didn’t bother to come chase you.

SHAMEIK MOORE

None of those people will prove effectual, fortunately. Bye bye!

He TURNS INVISIBLE then flees back to the TELEPORTER ROOM and TELEPORTS HOME! OSCAR, having FUCKED UP on EVERY POSSIBLE LEVEL, puts all the blame on HAILEE and FIRES HER.

INT. BACK IN HAILEE'S IMPRESSIONISTIC COLOR-BLOB UNIVERSE THAT SURE SAVES A FUCKOAD OF TIME NOT HAVING TO DRAW BACKGROUNDS, COULD WE DO THE WHOLE REST OF THE MOVIE HERE? AND YES AN ANIMATOR WROTE THIS SCENE HEADING

A dejected HAILEE returns to her bedroom and curls up beneath her PROTECT TRANS KIDS poster, since after all it's not a proper SPIDER-VERSE unless there's bigotry and prejudice for the SPIDER-HERO to oppose.

SHEA WHIGHAM

Hailee! A belated apology on the whole trying to arrest you at gunpoint thing. For what it’s worth, I quit my captaincy.

HAILEE STEINFELD

Wait, you’re not captain anymore? That means my dead-captain Canon Event has been erased, but not the universe along with it! So Oscar IS full of shit after all!

SHEA WHIGHAM

I mean, SOMEBODY’S gotta be police captain still, and given my job it could easily be somebody that you know pretty well-

HAILEE STEINFELD

NOPE SHUT UP FUCK OFF. I’m gonna go to Shameik’s universe and help him defeat Jason and save-

(sees remaining runtime)

Orrrr not.

Indeed, she goes to SHAMEIK’S HOUSE in HIS UNIVERSE and he’s NOT THERE.

HAILEE STEINFELD

Oh shit, he’s in the wrong universe! The teleporter didn’t send him home based on his own universe signature, but that of the spider that bit him! What a dumb way for that to work, I mean there are Spider-Mans out there who never even got spider-bit. Hold tight, Shameik’s parents, I’m gonna go round up a rebel spider-gang to help Shameik out in the next movie!

BRIAN TYREE HENRY

Cool cool. Is there anything we should do in the meantime? Should we, say, leave town without any forwarding address for a while so that we’re safe from certain supervillains?

HAILEE STEINFELD

Are you kidding, that’s like our main conflict! Think, dude!

INT. SHAMEIK’S OTHER APARTMENT

SHAMEIK shows up at NOT HOME and sees ALT-LAUREN.

SHAMEIK MOORE

Mom, I finally decided I should tell you I’M SPIDER-MAN and God help me if this is one of those hacky 1960s-style comic book identity reveals which doesn’t count in some way and is just a fakeout they can use on the cover...

LAUREN VELEZ

Who’s Spider-Man OOOHHHH?? Now let me just make a few glib domestic comments including a reference to Comic-Con, which will seem tonally bizarre when you step outside and find out this Spider-Man-free New York has basically devolved into a post-apocalyptic slum from Judge Dredd.

SHAMEIK goes outside and finds that indeed the city is drowning in SIRENS and GUNSHOTS and is like SIXTY PERCENT ON FIRE. He is then seized and tied up by MAHERSHALA ALI.

MAHERSHALA ALI

That’s right, BAM, you’re in the wrong universe! Also KAPOW, I’m alive here! Plus SNAP, your dad isn’t!! And finally KER-ZWAPPO, in this universe YOU’RE THE PROWLER!! Now THAT’S how you do a cliffhanger!

MORE SHAMEIK

Yep, the alternate you is a violent supervillain. Because nobody in comics has any inherent character traits or internal moral compass, and could be straight heroic good or pure malevolent evil on the toss of a coin. Did you know in Hailee’s universe, Matt Murdock is Kingpin? Get away from me with that shit.

SHAMEIK MOORE

Ooh, you may think you have me, but I’m working up a venom strike to free me from my bonds and beat you up...

(starts charging hands)

Just give me a second, working on it...

(keeps charging)

If you could just give me until March 29, 2024...

TO BE CONTINUED.