FADE IN:

EXT. IXTENCO, MEXICO

Somewhere in the municipality of IXTENCO, SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON (BUT NOT REALLY) and COBIE SMULDERS (BUT NOT REALLY) meet up with SUPER-POWERED (BUT NOT REALLY) JAKE GYLLENHAAL to fight an EARTH ELEMENTAL (BUT NOT REALLY) and you know what, it probably wasn't the real IXTENCO either but a LIVE MODEL FUCKING DECOY or some bullshit. Anyhoo,

INT. TOM HOLLAND'S HIGH SCHOOL (REALLY)

At TOM'S HIGH SCHOOL, a student news broadcast brings our viewers up to date.

ANGOURIE RICE

So with Endgame over and the MCU's 11-year arc finally wrapped up with the death of Robert Downey Junior, we're ready to move on into new territory by making this whole movie about Robert Downey Junior. Other Kid?

OTHER KID REPORTER

We also have this footage of the Snap and Reverse Snap, or Blip for short, clearly showing that everyone reappeared in exactly the same spot where they left. So if we review our laundry list of questions from Endgame-

ANGOURIE RICE

Yes sadly we don't have time to fully explore the logical complications of this story, never mind the emotional ones. What's important is that we leapt ahead five years and didn't undo the original Snap, so FUCK YOU AGENTS OF SHIELD, FUCK YOU NETFLIX, FUCK YOU RUNAWAYS, FUCK YOU CLOAK AND DAGGER.

Elsewhere at school TOM HOLLAND and JACOB BATALON discuss the upcoming plot of the movie.

JACOB BATALON

Since we just had a huge epic sprawling battlefest, can I assume we're keeping it light this time around?

TOM HOLLAND

Of course! Wacky school hijinks, love triangles, breezy summer fare. I thought I'd try asking Zendaya out, we have a lot in common like having been dust for five years. Teenaged foibles, you know!

JACOB BATALON

Sounds perfect!

TOM HOLLAND

(under breath)

...and crossovers and giant CGI monsters and threats to thousands of innocents and possibly skrulls and

JACOB BATALON

DUDE!

TOM HOLLAND

Huh? No no, upbeat light-hearted fluff, that's all! I promise! Look, check out the next scene header.

INT. EPISODE ONE: SPIDEY HAS A FUNDRAISER!

SPIDEY-TOM and MARISA TOMEI are running a charitable event to raise money for both BLIPPED PEOPLE and also PEOPLE WHO'LL NEVER QUESTION HOW MARISA BOOKED SPIDER-MAN WHO ALSO SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE HER NEPHEW. While they are backstage JON FAVREAU shows up!

TOM HOLLAND

Hi there Jon, wasn't expecting you.

JON FAVREAU

Oh I wasn't gonna miss this fuckharder, I mean, fundraiser. Hahaha.

MARISA TOMEI

It's sure great to be giving head to the community. BACK. Giving BACK. Now where's the oversized novelty cock CHEQUE, I need to present it to my vagina THE CHARITABLE SOCIETY, dammit Marisa.

TOM HOLLAND

(eyes narrowing)

Waaiiiit a sec, are you two-

JON FAVREAU

OH HEY MY PHONE IS RINGING look Tom, it's Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson, he needs us for something super urgent.

TOM HOLLAND

Well, ah, too bad I got this fundraiser to do! I'm sure whatever world-ending catastrophe he's calling about can wait a few days.

INT. EPISODE TWO: SPIDEY TAKES A PLANE!

TOM'S CLASS is heading out on their TRIP TO EUROPE!

JACOB BATALON

We're leaving? But we haven't done that fun trailer scene where you beat up tons of robbers and then wisecrack adorably to the cops...

TOM HOLLAND

Nah we cut all that. Instead there's wacky seating hijinks on the plane! That's way more fun, right?

JACOB BATALON

Eh, at least it sets up an actual subplot for me and Angourie. Did you know most of our classmates don't even have lines of dialogue? Like, what are their stories? They could have all kinds of fascinating lives we know nothing about--

TOM HOLLAND

OH BLORP I GOTS THE SEAT NEXT TO MR. LAME-OLD, FNORTZ

(eye-rolls to camera)

EXT. EPISODE THREE: SPIDEY GOES TO VENICE!

TOM'S CLASS arrives with their teachers MARTIN STARR and J.B. SMOOVE.

MARTIN STARR

Welcome class to your shit hotel made literally out of shit. Please take some time to unpack and relax in your shit beds, if you need extra blankets they're in this shitpile and are made of dog puke.

J.B. SMOOVE

Plus I hope everyone's laughing uproariously at our loud wacky incompetence because that is our one and only note, and WE'RE GONNA KEEP HITTING THAT NOTE AW YEAH

Everyone goes SIGHTSEEING in VENICE to see fun local sights like a HUGE WATER ELEMENTAL ATTACK, OH FUCK!! But in the nick of time, it's SUPER-POWERED JAKE GYLLENHAAL!

TOM HOLLAND

I gotta help! But how to disguise myself... I know, this discarded Masquerade-ball mask will do the trick!

TOM puts on the mask and IT SO DOES NOT DO THE TRICK, LIKE THIS MASK IS SO UTTERLY FUCKING BAD AT TRICKS IT COULD NOT PULL AIR OUT OF A HAT, COULD NOT HIDE A QUARTER BEHIND AN ELEPHANT BABY'S EAR, IF IT WERE A DOG IT WOULD FAIL AT "EAT FOOD"

SO VERY OBVIOUSLY TOM HOLLAND

I'll conveniently let Jake handle all the direct fighting while I help out at the periphery! Is there anything I can web together like the ferry from last movie?

JAKE and TOM win! The ITALIAN NEWS refers to JAKE as "mysterioso" which TOM'S classmates helpfully shorten to MYSTERIO since we gotta get there somehow.

INT. EPISODE FOUR: SPIDEY IS A SPY-DEY!

TOM and JACOB go to their shitty hotel room where JACOB is tranq-gunned by SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON!

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

I need to brief you right here and now. Except there's too much wacky comedy going on so I'll take you to my mobile HQ, which also means you can meet Jake and Cobie and get a better explanation and we probably should have gone straight there. Also, here are some special sunglasses Robert left you.

TOM HOLLAND

No way, I'm not wearing those! Let's fight in an alleyway!

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Come on, who the fuck is going to catch that reference? Now come meet the team, a roomful of people all of whom are pretending to be someone else. You must trust them with your life.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

So glad you could make it Tom! Let me fill you in on my bullshit story of earth elementals and multiverses and bullshit bullshit, you know nobody in the audience is buying this right? I mean even people with only vague memories of the cartoon remember Globe Head Illusion Man.

COBIE SMULDERS

I keep telling you, with only our in-world knowledge your story's totally plausible.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

As you can see, Tom, with the fate of Earth hanging in the balance, we really need your help.

TOM HOLLAND

What about Chris Hemsworth?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Tied up with Men in Black.

TOM HOLLAND

Cumberbatch?

COBIE SMULDERS

Stuck in the Otter Dimension.

TOM HOLLAND

Brie Larson?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

We're trying to have ONE movie this year not besieged by manbabies. Look, you're it, Tom. You're all we've got. It's up to you.

TOM HOLLAND

(pause)

...but what about Hulk and Black Panther and Shuri and Okoye and Ant-Man and Wasp and Original Ant-Man and Wasp and Scarlet Witch and Wong and Hawkeye and Falcon-slash-Captain-America and Winter Soldier and Iron Goop and War Machine and Valkyrie and

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

GODDAMMIT TOM this is supposed to be a BREAK from overstuffed Avengers movies. CHANGE of FUCKING PACE, remember?!? We are pinning everything on a fucking teenager and THAT'S THAT.

TOM HOLLAND

Well Jake says the next attack is in Prague, but my class is going to Paris, and I still haven't smooched Zendaya. So the fate of the world can just take a back seat to my hormones, thanks.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Okay, sure. Obviously the vast resources of SHIELD are powerless against a high school's administrative department, off you go.

(Tom leaves)

Did he just buy that shit? I thought he was supposed to be smart.

EXT. EPISODE FIVE: SPIDEY TAKES A DETOUR!

The next day it turns out SAMUEL was in fact (gasp!) lying, and TOM'S trip has been rerouted to PRAGUE! At a bathroom stop along the way, TOM is approached by a SHIELD agent known as THE SEAMSTRESS!

THE SEAMSTRESS

I have a new outfit for you Tom, because we're trying to set a record for most Spidey suits in a single film. Try it on now!

TOM HOLLAND

Why can't this wait until our bus arrives at the hotel? We've only stopped for like five minutes...

THE SEAMSTRESS

You must strip down immediately! Since you're playing a high school student, we must objectify your body as much as possible.

REMI HII

(barging in)

Oh snap! As in the picture I snapped, I doubt anyone just says "Oh Snap!" anymore after Thanos.

(leaves)

TOM HOLLAND

Oh no, a wacky complication! Remi is my rival for Zendaya's affections, you see. He's also lived through the five years of tragedy the rest of us skipped over, but FUCK HIM.

INT. EPISODE SIX: SPIDEY FLIES A DRONE!

Back on the bus, Tom puts on his sunglasses and discovers they link to an ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE and a RECORDING OF ROBERT DOWNEY JR.!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. (V/O)

Hey kid. This A.I. called EDITH controls a super-deadly army of drones, you're welcome. And remember, it takes instructions EXTREMELY literally, but that shouldn't be a problem as long as you remember not to be a complete fucking idiot.

TOM HOLLAND

Wow, you chose ME to have this? Not Gwyneth Paltrow, who's presumably running DowneyCorp and doing worldwide heroism? Gosh. Well don't worry, I can handle this! EDITH, I need you to WIPE OUT the incriminating photo of me! I need to ERADICATE Remi's chances with Zendaya!

EDITH

Understood Tom. Sending drone to brutally murder Remi now. It will also likely murder you and everyone else on the bus, but such is life.

TOM HOLLAND

Whoopsie! Um, everyone, look at those mountain goats!

(leaps from bus and blows up drone real good, leaps back)

Pretty cool right?

ZENDAYA

No, we did not see the mountain goats. Or the huge pyrotechnic explosion directly behind the bus, apparently. How the fuck are we passing school?

TOM HOLLAND

Phew, almost got us all killed BUT managed to wipe out that photo anyway. Spider-confidence: intact!

INT. EPISODE SEVEN: SPIDEY LEAVES AN OPERA!

TOM'S CLASS arrives in PRAGUE. To keep all the students safely indoors SAMUEL gets them OPERA TICKETS, a foolproof plan since HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS would never skip out on OPERA.

TOM HOLLAND

Despite Samuel orchestrating all this (heh, heh) he forgot to give me an excuse to leave. I'll just have to do it in my own awkward fashion... Um, sorry guys, gotta go vomit! Ha ha, BLORRRFFF

(exits)

ZENDAYA

Wait, is the plot happening out there? Fuck this shit, I'm going where the plot is.

JACOB AND ANGOURIE

Us too!

All the IMPORTANT CHARACTERS get into position for the next round of danger and HERE IT IS! Only THIS time it's a giant FIRE ELEMENTAL!

TOM HOLLAND

Well shit, this DEFINITELY calls for a new Spidey-suit! After all nobody knows Spidey's in Europe, unless they noticed the guy with Spidey-powers and webbing fighting the water elemental.

TOM puts on his new BLACK STEALTH SPIDEY-SUIT and then jumps and hops around shooting webs and basically being SPIDERMAN.

JACOB BATALON

Need to back up this ridiculous subterfuge... I guess the obvious thing to say in a world that's seen multiple versions of Iron Man, Ant-Man, Black Panther, etc, is that this could be a second Spider-hero. But instead I'll panic and call him Night Monkey!

ANGOURIE RICE

That's so obviously made up, I'll go along with it!

JAKE and TOM engage in a big FIREFIGHT (oho!) but things look bad until--

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

That's enough! I'm going to do what I should have done before!!

(flies towards elemental)

SPIDEY-TOM

Nooo, don't! Don't do it Jake! I mean, I have no idea what "it" is, but it sure sounds heroic-sacrificey!! I can't lose yet another father figure, even though it is kind of my signature move at this point!

However JAKE defeats the FIRE ELEMENTAL and is OKAY!

SPIDEY-TOM

Wow, guess we totally won! I mean, I have no idea how long the movie's been to this point, so why not?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Great job you two. I'm assembling a new Avengers team in Berlin if you wanna join, it'll be like the regular Avengers but with more sausage and compound nouns. Let me know!

INT. EPISODE EIGHT: SPIDEY GOES TO A BAR!

To celebrate, JAKE and TOM go to a regular bar where everyone is SURPRISINGLY CASUAL about the two superhumans just chilling and knocking back drinks with their real faces displayed, like, VERY SURPRISINGLY, SUSPICIOUSLY CASUAL, MISTER SPIDEY-SENSE.

TOM HOLLAND

It's absurd to have this murderkill drone army run by a teenager. Almost anyone else should have this, up to but not quite including Iron Goop, so here you go. EDITH, from now on, accept all commands from Jake!

(pause)

Oh and still accept commands from me, in case he's evil later.

(leaves)

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

(slow, sinister smile)

Heh heh. Now that he's gone, I can finally reveal that I am in fact...

(checks script)

HOLY FUCKING SHIT A DISGRUNTLED FORMER TONY STARK EMPLOYEE, ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!??! Oh my FUCKING GOD, can we do ANYTHING ELSE!! Well at least I also have an evil organization of JESUS MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST EVEN MORE DISGRUNTLED FORMER TONY FUCKING STARK EMPLOYEES, GODDAMN IT TO FUCK THERE ARE OTHER REASONS TO BE EVIL YOU KNOW

FINN "IRON FIST" JONES

(entering)

Yeah like maybe I mistreated an employee once in a while! I also run a global megacorp, so-

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Oh shut it you, the only supervillain you'd inspire is Punch Finn Jones In The Face All Day Man, and he's not a villain, he's Earth's greatest hero. Now fuck off.

EXT. EPISODE NINE: SPIDEY HAS A DATE!

Thinking the threat is over, TOM finally asks ZENDAYA to go sightseeing with him.

ZENDAYA

So Tom, how about you come over here and give me a big sloppy tongue-filled confession about how you're Spiderman.

TOM HOLLAND

Aw yeaWHAA? Why would you say that? What just because Spidey has my shape and height and my exact same squeaky voice? Even if you were right, Spiderman is one of the few MCU heroes who even HAS some semblance of a secret identity, why would you want-

ZENDAYA

Well then you wouldn't be interested in this piece of drone I recovered. It landed next to me and I picked it up all by myself, hope I haven't over-contributed to the plot or anything.

TOM HOLLAND

Holy crap, it projects illusions, Jake is full of shit! Okay fuck it, I'm Spiderman. I think the audience has had enough of me inventing zany excuses to leave anyway.

But unbeknownst to our heroes, their discovery IS beknownst to JAKE GYLLENHAAL, RUH ROH!

EXT. EPISODE TEN: SPIDEY HAS A BAD TRIP!

TOM goes to BERLIN to warn SAMUEL and gets picked up at the AIRPORT.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Tom, great to see you! How are you? Don't suppose your spider-sense is going off or anything? And why would it be? This is totally real me taking you to my totally real HQ with totally real Cobie Smulders in it, ha ha!

TOM HOLLAND

I have to warn you, Jake Gyllenhaal is really Fake Gyllenhaal, he has major illusion powers.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

That's serious. Who else knows about this, which is a totally unsuspicious question by the way?

TOM HOLLAND

Hm, I don't know if I should say...

Suddenly FAKE COBIE and the FAKE HQ vanish! Before TOM can react he is flung into a HUGE TRIPPY-ASS ILLUSION SEQUENCE!!!

TOM HOLLAND

Oh shit, Marvel cover homages and Easter Eggs... everywhere I look! Fuck, even a shoutout to Marvel Zombies! And is that the infinite mirror room from Last Jedi?

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

No that's supposed to be the meme where Spidey points at himself. Anyway, now that we've created a few dozen Buzzfeed listicles, it's time for you to die-

(is shot!)

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Phew, got him. Now that he's dead, Tom, you really gotta tell me who else knows about this! Jake's band of disgruntled white-collar workers will surely go on a homicidal rampage now!

TOM HOLLAND

Okay okay, Zendaya and Jacob know. I may also have blabbed to a bunch of press during a junket...

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

(revealing self)

Psyche it's really me again! You gullible fool, why do you keep thinking the main threat is defeated so early??

TOM HOLLAND

Look asshole, my character doesn't know which act we're in, okay?

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Fair enough. But you do know my illusions are just that, so please continue reacting to them until you step in front of that bullet train okay?

TOM HOLLAND

Sorry, in front of the what now?

(hit head-on by massive bullet train at full speed, dragged for miles)

OW THAT WAS SOMEWHAT UNCOMFORTABLEEEEEEEE

(passes out)

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Shit, I guess in the MCU it really doesn't matter how hard anything hits anyone as long as it's not pointy.

INT. EPISODE ELEVEN: SPIDEY IS (IN) HOLLAND!

TOM is rescued by SUPER NICE DUTCH PEOPLE, lucky this wasn't 2012 when he'd have to rely on LASAGNA-STUFFED MONDAY-HATING CARTOON CATS to save him. He contacts JON FAVREAU who picks him up in his JETPLANE.

TOM HOLLAND

I feel sad, Happy. I just wish Downey were here to fix everything.

JON FAVREAU

He's not, but he knew you could handle yourself. It's time to stand up and be who you are, your own unique brand of hero. To help you, here's Downey's robot armour building machine so you can make brand new Iron Spiderman Downey robot armour, trademark Downeycorp.

TOM HOLLAND

Thanks. I guess his legacy... will live on. Even if it's just me adding new gizmos to my super-suit each and every movie. Now, off to stop Jake in... LONDON!

EXT. EPISODE TWELVE: SPIDEY SOLVES BREXIT! HAHA NO EVEN THE MCU ISN'T THAT UNREALISTIC

An EVEN BIGGER ELEMENTAL ILLUSION is attacking LONDON!

LONDONERS

Oh if only Punch Piers Morgan In The Face All Day Man weren't busy punching Piers Morgan in the face! Who shall save us?!?

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Never fear, it is I! Yep, I'm basically just gonna keep doing the same shtick but bigger and louder until people get fed up and stop caring. Figure that should last me eleven years or so...

Meanwhile, one of JAKE'S TEAM successfully poses as the CLASS TRIP'S BUS DRIVER and then rather than turn around and shoot them, instead leaves the BUS perfectly positioned on a BRIDGE to get SMOOSHED by an ILLUSION MADE BY A WEAPONS-LACED DRONE SWARM WHICH COULD ALSO JUST SHOOT THEM. But here comes SPIDEY-TOM!!

SPIDEY-TOM

Now that I've stealth-glided inside the illusion I can fuck up the cameras and expose Jake for who he really is!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Hm, what WAS my plan for if somebody flew or jumped or somehow got inside the drone swarm? Anyway I must kill Spiderman, plus his school friends and Samuel and Cobie, everyone who knows the truth!

JAKE'S HEAD TECH GUY

Um I think the list of who knows the truth is a weeee bit longer now, what with the gaping holes in the illusion monster? That's gonna be on worldwide news feeds I'm just saying.

Nevertheless JAKE sends swarms of drones to ATTACK our heroes! SPIDEY-TOM swats down and webgoops and punches out and otherwise frags HUNDREDS OF DRONES while COBIE shoots ONE DRONE before it shoots SAMUEL, and the combined might of JON FAVREAU and ZENDAYA and JACOB and ANGOURIE manages to smash ONE MORE DRONE, so it's basically a team effort. SPIDEY-TOM confronts JAKE!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

I can't lose now, we've finally made a credible version of the Mysterio costume! Guess it's once again time to use my illusion!

JAKE bombards SPIDEY-TOM with more illusions but THIS TIME, SPIDEY-TOM remembers to use his SPIDEY-SENSE and thwarts them!

SPIDEY-TOM

Phew, I finally realized I should use the exact strategy I've defeated Mysterio with in hundreds of animated adventures and comic books.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

And in true PG-13 fashion I've managed to mortally wound myself, letting you off the hook! Ack urk.

(dies)

SPIDEY-TOM

Amazing how that keeps happening to me. Anyhoo, gotta de-activate the remaining drones!

(grabs sunglasses)

EDITH, come in!

EDITH

Spidey-Tom acknowledged. Shall I EXECUTE the drone-destruction protocol? Do you wish to DELIVER THE FINAL DEATH BLOW to Jake's plans? Please confirm your order to DESTROY MAIM AND MUTILATE all his evil schemes?

SPIDEY-TOM

Sure! I see no potential downside to how you've phrased that, so: EXECUTE! KILL! DESTROY!! I'LL GET YOU MY PRETTY AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO!!! Ah, no potentially misinterpreted sound-bites there!

SPIDEY-TOM saves the day! To celebrate he finally SMOOCHES ZENDAYA and then goes to ADMONISH TWO GROWN ADULTS FOR HAVING AN ADULT RELATIONSHIP.

JON FAVREAU

Well this is some bullshit. Why am I letting myself get chewed out by a high school student?

MARISA TOMEI

I'm not even mad. But for the third movie, could I maybe get a story that's not just "every adult male in the film wants to bone me"? Thanks.

EXT. EPISODE THIRTEEN -- SPIDEY LAYS SOME EASTER EGGS!

Back in NEW YORK, SPIDEY-TOM webslings all over town, which is now covered in PHASE FOUR TEASERS! He picks up ZENDAYA and they do some swinging together, WEB swinging that is, finally coming to rest in TIMES SQUARE.

ZENDAYA

Whee! Well that was a fun light-hearted adventure, and despite all the Downey tributes wasn't TOO loaded down with ongoing continui-

SPIDEY-TOM

OHHH JUST YOU WAIT

SOME CREDITS

INT. PRISON - COMMON AREA

MICHAEL KEATON

(grimly)

Only I know that Tom Holland is Spider-Man. And despite the threats and promised rewards, I know that Tom will be eternally grateful that I've kept his secret. Holding on to this valuable information will surely pay off in the long-

(turns on news)

Well fuck me.

J.K. SIMMONS

(on broadcast)

HEY ASSHOLES!! Yes it's me as JJJ, this time as an Alex-Jones-type conspiracy podcaster! I can prove Spidey is evil with this carefully edited footage, which will be debunked roughly 5 seconds from now by SHIELD! And NOW, here's Jake revealing Spidey is TOM HOLLAND!! Which will also lose credibility once the tampering of my other video is exposed. BWAH HA HA HA HA look the important thing is, I'm back.

MORE END CREDITS

EXT. A ROAD IN EUROPE

SAMUEL and COBIE are driving along except THEY'RE ACTUALLY SKRULLS, WHAAAT?!?

BEN MENDELSKRULL

Yep it's me! And I've got the REAL Samuel on the phone, gotta let him know the plan with the sunglasses worked... wait a sec, did you just pull the "Dead Coulson's trading cards" trick again?!?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Come on. Would I really kneecap the entire emotional arc of this movie?

BEN MENDELSKRULL

Not gonna answer that. So audience, who wants to guess exactly how long I've been impersonating Samuel? The over/under is Age of Ultron, place your bets!!

Meanwhile the REAL SAMUEL is on a SPACESHIP with MORE SKRULLS AND NO SHOES WHAAAAAAT?!?!!????

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Welp, get ready to wait another ten years before we wrap THIS shit up.

END