EXT. PENNSYLVANIAVILLE, PENNSYLVANIA – CHRISTMASTIME

Happy couple KRISTEN STEWART and MACKENZIE DAVIS perch on the roof of someone else’s house to look at CHRISTMAS.

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Y’know what, you should come with me to my parents’ house for Christmas. I’m sure you can easily find alternate arrangements for all the animals you’ve promised to look after.

KRISTEN STEWART

In this universe, where I can just tell Dan Levy to do all that, I easily can! I just hope this trip won't be full of wacky shenaniWHOOOPS I’M FALLING OFF THE ROOOOF

(lands on inflatable snowman)

Wait, how’d THAT happen? This thing was on the other side of the parking lot…

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Shit, the Christmas-themed dominatrix and submissive inside spotted us! We gotta split before they use up the allotted amount of uninhibited adult sexuality for the whole movie!

They swiftly RUN HOME and take refuge in their comfortable lodgings, paid for by MACKENZIE’S occasional writing of articles and KRISTEN’S pet-sitting, and which somehow is more than a CARDBOARD BOX.

INT. CAFÉ WHICH YOU KNOW IS NICE BECAUSE WE SPRUNG FOR THE ACCENT AND EVERYTHING

KRISTEN has coffee with her friend DANIEL LEVY.

KRISTEN STEWART

I’m really hyped for this trip. In fact check this out, I got a ring and I’m gonna propose!

DANIEL LEVY

Cool! Wait, isn’t Mackenzie’s Dad some uptight conservative politician or whatever?

KRISTEN STEWART

Yes, but Mackenzie said it’s all good with her folks. And the grand total of zero times that I’ve ever spoken to them or seen them or been in the same city with them, only backs that up beyond a shadow of any doubt.

DANIEL LEVY

Well let me know how it goes, I’ll be here murdering all your animal clients so that the audience knows I’m one of the good guys. Just remember, I'm a literary agent, so keep your eyes peeled for any quirky author characters while you're there.

(steps on gerbil)

INT. MACKENZIE’S CAR, MINUTES AWAY FROM HER PARENTS’ HOUSE

KRISTEN and MACKENZIE drive merrily along and everything is fine, totally fine. I said, it’s FINE.

KRISTEN STEWART

This is cool that we can simply do a Christmas movie with lesbian main characters, and it doesn’t have to revolve around the usual tropes of struggling to come out, denying our relationships and so on. We can simply be accepted and move on to a character-based story that explores new facets of-

MACKENZIE DAVIS

(pulls over)

(nervously)

Yes that’s great also HAHAHA ACTUALLY IT IS ALL ABOUT THE USUAL TROPES, MY FAMILY DOESN’T KNOW I’M GAY OR THAT WE’RE TOGETHER, THEY THINK YOU’RE SOME RANDO WITH NO FRIENDS HAHAHAHAHA

(composes self)

So um I know we’re minutes away and this is a huge shitty thing to do, but we good?

KRISTEN STEWART

(grits teeth)

Yeah. Sure.

MACKENZIE DAVIS

So we won't be able to share a room or be romantic or even hang out much.

KRISTEN STEWART

(gritting teeth more)

Got it.

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Oh and to not raise my parents' suspicions you have to pretend you're straight.

KRISTEN STEWART

(calcium mist seeping from mouth, ears)

Fine.

INT. MACKENZIE’S PARENTS’ HUGE LAVISH RICH PEOPLE HOUSE

They are greeted by MACKENZIE’S parents, VICTOR GARBER and MARY STEENBURGEN.

VICTOR GARBER

(patriarchally)

Welcome! So good to see you, my totally straight, straight-laced daughter! And this scrap of soiled tissue stuck to your heel must be Kristen.

MARY STEENBURGEN

Please make yourself at home! Sorry I mean, please make yourself A home, out of these used rags and dog towels. You'll be staying in the basement storage room and that's not even a joke.

KRISTEN STEWART

(enveloped in white cloud)

It's so nice to meet you.

Soon they are joined by MACKENZIE'S TWO SISTERS, ALISON BRIE and MARY HOLLAND!

ALISON BRIE

(bitchily)

Hello Mackenzie. So nice you could be here, too bad you couldn't bring OUR FATHER'S RESPECT with you since YOU SUCK DONKEY BALLS. I have of course brought my husband and our two awful, horrible, wretched, terrible, no-good kids.

MARY HOLLAND

(eccentrically)

I'm allegedly the annoying sister, yet I'm clearly one of the few sympathetic characters in this whole movie! Which I co-wrote! Also I'm working on a quirky fantasy novel, gosh I hope I meet someone who knows a cool literary agent!

VICTOR GARBER

It's so great to see everyone! Come, let's all gather round in a meaningful tableau that represents how much we all mean to each other!

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Sure Dad! Hahahahaha!

KRISTEN STEWART

(shoved under table)

(kicked in stomach repeatedly)

INT. RESTAURANT

MACKENZIE'S PARENTS take everyone to dinner at THE ASSHOLE GARDEN.

VICTOR GARBER

(condescendingly)

Oh why look it's Connor, Mackenzie's old boyfriend, what a COINCIDENCE! Oops I dropped all these glossy 8x10s of Connor's modelling photo shoot everywhere, silly me.

KRISTEN and MACKENZIE take a timeout in the LADIES' ROOM but on the way out, bump into another of MACKENZIE'S exes, AUBREY PLAZA!

KRISTEN STEWART

Shit is this gonna turn into a Battle of the Bands? Am I gonna fight Nega-Kristen?

AUBREY PLAZA

Okay well this really IS a coincidence, but anyway good to see you Mackenzie. Oh and you should try the seafood special because it's THROWING YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER UNDER A BUS WITH SHALLOTS AND CREAM SAUCE and I know how you used to looooove that.

INT. THE PARENTAL MANSION - THAT NIGHT

Once everyone's gone to bed KRISTEN attempts to sneak upstairs for some MACKENZIE time, but is surprised by MARY!

KRISTEN STEWART

Fuck! Should I turn around, head into another room?

(not metaphorical enough)

Oh come on.

(yep)

KRISTEN ducks into THE CLOSET, thus CLOSETING herself!

MARY STEENBERGEN

Oh my, what are you doing IN THE CLOSET?!?

(winks to camera)

Don't you want to COME OUT of the CLOSET?!?

(winks more)

KRISTEN STEWART

(sighs heavily)

KRISTEN retreats to the basement and phones DANIEL.

DANIEL LEVY

(on phone)

So how's it going? Terribly? Do you need to get out?

KRISTEN STEWART

No, even though I was lured here under false pretences by my lanky brunette girlfriend, and her rich family's been horrible to me in their micro-agressive, privileged way, I don't think I need to get out just yet.

DANIEL LEVY

Well remember, if you need to get out, you do have a zany comic relief friend back in the city, who will gladly come and help you get out.

KRISTEN STEWART

I'm still hoping maybe Mackenzie will come out before I have to get out. If Mary starts stirring her tea though, I am a gone girl.

INT. MANSION - THE NEXT MORNING

KRISTEN arrives for BREAKFAST with the family.

VICTOR GARBER

(gaslightingly)

Do you even eat breakfast? Well perhaps I can interest you in this mound of my own shit.

(shoves plate of warm shit into Kristen's face)

ALISON BRIE

(bitchily)

Toast is ready! Damn do I really deliver ALL my lines like this?

(checks script)

Huh.

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Good morning everyone including my random friend I barely know! Say let's all do some family stuff today that's only for family hahaha.

MARY HOLLAND

(is quirky, unpublished author)

ALISON BRIE

(bitchily)

I guess Kristen could take my horrible, awful, shitty kids to the mall, if she wants to be in any way useful, the dirty freeloader. Cool?

KRISTEN STEWART

(teeth ground down to nubs)

Cool.

INT. SUPER FANCY DANCY POLITICAL FUNDRAISER BALL - THAT NIGHT

Everyone goes to the BALL so that VICTOR can campaign for MAYOR of ASSHOLETOWN.

MACKENZIE DAVIS

So Kristen, my family's super pissed that you were caught shoplifting at the mall today.

KRISTEN STEWART

I don't know how that happened! I was in a store with Alison's brats who hate me, turned my back for a minute, next thing I know small merchandise somehow got into my open purse that was slung behind me! It completely defies explanation!!

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Yes, not even the combined talents of Sherlock, Enola, Mycroft, Eurus, Sherrinford, and Sigerson Holmes could solve this mystery. Anyway you understand that I'll have to ignore you even MORE now, until this settles down. Wait, who am I talking to? How is that glass being suspended in mid-air by nobody? How strange.

(walks off)

AUBREY PLAZA

(materializes)

Hey. Wanna blow this party? I know a place much less here than here.

KRISTEN STEWART

I might as well agree while I can still chew solid food.

KRISTEN and AUBREY head off to a bar called SUPPER 'N' SAPPHO while MACKENZIE and CONNOR go to a slightly different bar called THE STRAIGHT VANILLA MISSIONARY WHAT ALWAYS SHOOTS STRAIGHT AND IS SO VERY VERY STRAIGHT. Suffice to say this does not HELP the situation.

INT. BACK AT THE MANSION - THE NEXT DAY

The family prepares for the big WHITE ELEPHANT party where they traditionally explode all their long-simmering dramatic storylines. As the family and their guests mingle, KRISTEN tries to blend in and be inconspicuous while wearing THE MOST LESBIAN OUTFIT.

TWITTER

(obsesses)

KRISTEN STEWART

To be fair, I packed for this trip BEFORE Mackenzie dropped the bomb.

Just then DANIEL LEVY shows up!

DANIEL LEVY

I'm here to rescue you Kristen! Gosh looks like you're up SCHITT'S CREEK now!

(winks to camera)

KRISTEN STEWART

Yeah, I'm outta here. Lemme just sweep up my enamel chippings...

MACKENZIE DAVIS

No wait! I'm so sorry Kristen, but if you give me a minute I can try to salvage my character and actually explain my side of things in a sympathetic way! Which, yes, might have helped more at any point before now. But since this movie is based on something that happened in real life to director/co-writer Clea DuVall, I can't really be held responsible right?

ALISON BRIE

(appears, bitchily)

A-ha! I knew it! I'm gonna run and tell Dad about you two, just out of sheer bitchiness I guess since I don't see how it helps me in any way!

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Yeah well your husband's cheating on you, your perfect family is a sham! I should probably try to negotiate a deal where neither of us talks, but instead I'M GONNA RUN TELL DAD WHICH ALSO DOES NOT HELP ME AT ALL!

ALISON BRIE

WELL IT MIGHT HELP THE MOVIE TO HAVE SOME OVERSIZED PHYSICAL COMEDY AT THIS POINT!

MACKENZIE DAVIS

WELL OKAY THEN!

The sisters RUN and FIGHT and FIGHT and RUN and their fight SPILLS OUT INTO THE MAIN LIVING ROOM WHERE EVERYONE'S GATHERED, HO HO!

MARY HOLLAND

I ALSO SHALL FIGHT, QUIRKILY! Um why are we fighting?

ALISON BRIE

(dramatic-bitchily)

Because Mackenzie and Kristen... ARE GAY! And a couple!!

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Huh? Wha? No we're not! She's lying! I never even heard of U-Haul!

The various DINNER GUESTS all leave in assorted HUFFS and TAXIS.

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Okay now that 90% of the people are gone I admit it. Kristen and I are together.

KRISTEN STEWART

Or not!

(leaves)

Outside the house DANIEL catches up with KRISTEN.

DANIEL LEVY

I know things look bad, but don't get too down. Every holiday movie reaches its ending in its own time. Sometimes it's 92 minutes, other times two-plus hours, and often somewhere in between. But we're inside the movie and we can't pause to see how much time's left, or check the on-demand summary. We just have to trust the movie will end how it needs to, in its own time, when it's ready.

KRISTEN STEWART

But what if I want to ditch this movie altogether and watch Season 5 of the critically-acclaimed series The Expanse now streaming on Amazon Prime?

DANIEL LEVY

That is a very tempting option I agree, what with the epic storylines, awesome effects, real science, and diverse cast! I guess the real question is, do you think this movie's ending will be worth sticking it out.

KRISTEN STEWART

(sighs)

I hear you. Well let's go wait somewhere that Mackenzie can easily track me down for our Big Reconciliation, maybe a random gas stop off the highway.

Back inside the house, the family is having a rousing game of CODENAMES: BLURTING OUT UGLY TRUTHS EDITION!

ALISON BRIE

(bitchily)

You suck Mom and Dad! We always have to compete for your love and you don't appreciate my accomplishments!

MARY HOLLAND

(idiosyncratically)

You also suck because you take me for granted!

MACKENZIE DAVIS

I think we've all figured out why I think you're sucky parents!

MARY STEENBURGEN

I agree Victor sucks because I always wanted to learn karate and never did! Though apparently I'm already pretty damn good with judo, you see how I threw all the blame for our shitty behaviour on Victor there?

VICTOR GARBER

Hm. It would rather appear that I suck. And so, perhaps I shall... stop sucking.

MACKENZIE rushes off and finds KRISTEN, and they successfully RECONCILE while crates of AUBREY + KRISTEN FOREVER hats and T-shirts are shipped to various NON-AMERICAN countries.

INT. THE MANSION - MORNING

Everyone settles in for CHRISTMAS MORNING.

VICTOR GARBER

I told my conservative backers to go fuck themselves, so all those pesky issues about how I've treated my various daughters over the course of their lives are all done now!

MARY STEENBURGEN

Same thing with my parenting issues that we all agree never existed in the first place right?

ALISON BRIE

And my family's happy again! Holy shit, there's no "bitchily" before my line! Things really are looking up.

ALISON'S AWFUL CHILDREN

Sorry for getting you wrongfully arrested Kristen, and ruining your name with the family! Please forgive us?

KRISTEN STEWART

Sure thing kids! Gosh this is wrapping up really quick and neat isn't it.

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Oh well that's because this is years later and HOLY SHIT THIS IS THE VERY NEXT MORNING?!? Hot DAMN but my family reconciles FAST.

MARY HOLLAND

And also, I'm a huge successful fantasy author now! Thanks for believing in me Daniel!

DANIEL LEVY

Well I didn't find any troubling slavery metaphors in your manuscript so I think we'll be good. Just remember, if anyone named Benioff or Weiss calls, you tell them to FUCK RIGHT THE HELL OFF.

END