The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. JESSE EISENBERG'S CAR
JESSE EISENBERG is a PIZZA DELIVERY BOY who is supposed to be a real life version of "SPEED RACER" behind the wheel. JESSE demonstrates this by taking OVER 30 MINUTES to make his first delivery.
IDIOT CUSTOMER
You're late. That means the pizza is free.
JESSE EISENBERG
Yes, but I will get you to pay for it anyway by using my quirky awkwardness.
IDIOT CUSTOMER
Or in other words you're going to "Jesse Eisenberg" me. Isn't this the 100th time you've played this character?
JESSE EISENBERG
Hey! I haven't even been in 100 movies!
IDIOT CUSTOMER
No, it just feels like you have.
INT. AZIZ ANSARI'S HOUSE
JESSE EISENBERG
(with quirky awkwardness)
Aziz, you are my best and only friend in the whole movie, so you should know I had nasty filthy sex with your sister Dilshad Vadsaria and SHE LOVED IT!
AZIZ ANSARI
What?! I can't believe it!
JESSE EISENBERG
I know, I'm so sorry, but I'm actually in love with her.
AZIZ ANSARI
No, I mean I can't believe Hollywood still expects us to believe Jesse Eisenberg could score another hot girl without money changing hands.
JESSE EISENBERG
Hey! Hot girls love quirky awkward guys who are also quirky and awkward! How else do you explain Michael Cera and Jay Baruchel?
AZIZ ANSARI
God's cruel joke on the moviegoing public?
JESSE EISENBERG
I thought that was Tyler Perry?
AZIZ ANSARI
Oh, right. Forgot.
INT. FRED WARD'S MANSION
FRED WARD is a RICH ASSHOLE. DANNY MCBRIDE is his FREELOADING DOUCHE of a son who hangs out with NICK SWARDSON for some reason.
FRED WARD
Why don't you two homos go get a job or win the lottery like I did instead of leeching off of me for the rest of your lives?
(pause)
No, seriously, I know my character is supposed to be a jerk, but you two have every opportunity in the world to make good lives for yourselves and you're just pissing it away.
DANNY MCBRIDE
Fuck shit ass cum motherfucker bitch!
NICK SWARDSON
What was that, Danny? We should hire hitman Michael Pena to kill your father so you can inherit all of his money? But how are we going to pay for a hitman?
DANNY MCBRIDE
Pussy cock rimjob dickcheese monkey balls!
NICK SWARDSON
We should strap a bomb vest to Jesse and force him to rob a bank in order to pay for the hitman? Excellent idea, Danny!
THIS HAPPENS. SERIOUSLY. THIS IS WHAT PASSES FOR A PLOT THESE DAYS.
JESSE goes to see DILSHAD VADSARIA, AWKWARDLY. He does not tell her about the BOMB he is wearing, which could EXPLODE and KILL HER at any moment. He's a REAL HERO, this one.
JESSE EISENBERG
Dilshad, I know we only had sex that one time eight years ago, but I--
DILSHAD VADSARIA
Wait, I had sex? With... you?
JESSE EISENBERG
Uhhhhh, yeah.
DILSHAD VADSARIA
Was I drunk? I mean like really, really, REALLY drunk? Or what about ecstasy? Did I take ecstasy?
JESSE EISENBERG
No, you were awake and fully conscious.
DILSHAD VADSARIA
And I willingly had sex with you?
JESSE EISENBERG
That's what the movie wants us to believe, yes.
DILSHAD VADSARIA
So this is a science fiction film?
JESSE EISENBERG
That would certainly explain a lot, wouldn't it?
AZIZ agrees to help JESSE rob the bank, but first they go buy TOY GUNS and MASKS, QUIRKILY.
JESSE EISENBERG
No one will ever be able to tell that I am Jesse Eisenberg under this mask!
AZIZ ANSARI
Are you kidding me? Your quirky awkwardness is just as unique as a fingerprint. You could rob a bank while wearing a bear costume and everyone would still know it was you underneath.
JESSE EISENBERG
Shhh! Don't give them any ideas for a sequel!
INT. BANK
JESSE and AZIZ rob the bank AS QUIRKILY and AWKWARDLY AS POSSIBLE which results in a CUSTOMER BEING SHOT.
Then JESSE and AZIZ barely get two steps out of the bank before they TAKE OFF THEIR MASKS for NO REASON and a COP SEES THEIR FACES, AWKWARDLY.
A CAR CHASE ensues complete with SHITTY 80s CAR CHASE MUSIC.
AZIZ ANSARI
We are so fucked! We are certainly going to jail after this is all over!
JESSE EISENBERG
Nah, don't worry about it.
AZIZ ANSARI
Are you fucking kidding me? We robbed A BANK! Someone was SHOT! And a police officer SAW OUR FACES! We are the very definition of fucked!
JESSE EISENBERG
Ah, but you forget one important thing.
(with quirkily awkward quirkiness)
I'm Jesse Eisenberg.
AZIZ ANSARI
Oh right, that's true. Because of this I will no longer worry about being sent to prison for armed robbery, getting an innocent person shot, the cameras outside the bank filming me without my mask on, or a cop describing my face to a sketch artist.
JESSE EISENBERG
Hey, the movie won't worry about any of that shit either, why should you?
JESSE and AZIZ take the stolen money to "professional" hitman MICHAEL PENA, AWKWARDLY.
JESSE EISENBERG
(with maximum quirkiness)
I got the money! Now give me the code to deactivate the bomb vest that two idiot slackers somehow managed to build!
MICHAEL PENA
Sorry holmes, but I don't know nothin' 'bout no bomb or code, gringo.
JESSE EISENBERG
So Danny just expected me to hand over the cash before I took this bomb off? And he didn't tell you anything about this even though I would obviously ask you about it?
MICHAEL PENA
Yeah, that's pretty stupid. He and Nick could build a bomb with a timer and a cell phone detonator but not plan a simple money drop?
JESSE EISENBERG
Maybe that was supposed to be "funny"?
MICHAEL PENA
Doubtful. The movie's almost over and there hasn't been a single shred of funny yet. Why start now?
JESSE EISENBERG
Where the hell is Woody Harrelson when you need him?
JESSE calls DANNY, AWKWARDLY.
JESSE EISENBERG
(reaching nuclear quirkiness)
Give me the code to deactivate the bomb or you don't get the money!
DANNY MCBRIDE
Clit twat pussy tits handjob cocksucking dickfart!
NICK SWARDSON
Danny says we kidnapped your girlfriend Dilshad Vadsaria and we'll kill her if you don't give us the money.
JESSE EISENBERG
That's what he said? Because it just sounded like a lot of vulgarity that's trying really really really hard to be shocking and funny.
NICK SWARDSON
You've clearly never seen Danny McBride's "acting" before.
AUDIENCE
Is EVERYBODY in this movie just playing themselves?
NICK SWARDSON
Hey, it works for Seth Rogen, doesn't it?
EXT. SCRAP YARD
JESSE and AZIZ meet up with DANNY and NICK who are holding DILSHAD hostage. They give JESSE the code to remove the BOMB VEST and he takes it off, AWKWARDLY.
Oh, and NICK is wearing a FLAMETHROWER.
NICK SWARDSON
I am? Where the fuck did I get a flamethrower from?
JESSE EISENBERG
Asking questions is the last thing this movie wants you to do.
AZIZ ANSARI
Or laugh.
JESSE EISENBERG
Yes, that too.
MICHAEL PENA
(appearing out of nowhere with a gun)
GIVE ME MY MONEY!
(gets flamethrowered by NICK)
Fucking Jesus! What the hell did I do that was so terrible I deserve to be burned to death?
HISPANIC AUDIENCE
Playing yet another horrible stereotype that makes us look like uneducated buffoons?
MICHAEL PENA
Oh. Yeah. I guess that makes sense. Bring on THE FLAMES!
(burns to death)
JESSE, AZIZ and DILSHAD escape in a CAR with the MONEY and DANNY chases them in his VAN! But this CLIMAX is over MUCH TOO QUICKLY.
DANNY MCBRIDE
That's what SHE said!
(explodes!)
DILSHAD VADSARIA
What the hell just happened?
JESSE EISENBERG
I reactivated the bomb vest and put it in Danny's van so it could blow him up. Pretty smart, huh?
AZIZ ANSARI
So along with being a bank robber you just committed premeditated murder as well?
JESSE EISENBERG
(with an epic level of quirkiness not yet measurable by any modern human scale)
Hells yeah! I get the girl AND the money without having to face ANY of the consequences of my actions! High five!
AZIZ ANSARI
No. No no no no no no no! There's no way in hell the movie can end in such a shitty nonsensical way!
DIRECTOR RUBEN FLEISCHER
Sure it can! Perhaps you didn't see my previous film, Zombieland?
AZIZ ANSARI
Sure I did... oh shit! That means
END