FADE IN:

EXT. OUTER SPACE

A deep space METEOR SWARM carrying ALIEN LIFE hurtles towards EARTH!

METEOR

Target planet imminent! Any thoughts where we should land to spread alien contagion?

METEAND

(checking notes)

Hm, not a lot of places that haven't been done already. We've struck Antarctica, Australia, most of the United States...

METEOR

How about London? I know that we invade TV London all the time on Doctor Who, but not MOVIE London.

METEAND

Oh great point! Let's see... my scanners indicate no past or present Doctors down there, and I certainly can't think of any third category of Doctor to worry about! Let's go!

EXT. SOUTH LONDON - NOVEMBER FIFTH, GUY FAWKES NIGHT

At that moment, FUTURE Doctor and current nurse JODIE WHITTAKER is walking home alone while the city around her launches ALL THE FIREWORKS.

JODIE WHITTAKER

Wow with all this racket, you could have a whole ALIEN INVASION going on and nobody would hear! And to think this year's Guy Fawkes also lined up with the Fake Blood Manufacturer's Expo, Annual Guns & Swords Cosplay Tournament, and National S&M Furry Convention, what are the odds?

Suddenly JODIE is surrounded by JOHN BOYEGA and his GANG! JOHN and JODIE engage in a classic MEET CUTE MEET GETTING MUGGED AT KNIFEPOINT which is interrupted by a METEOR slamming into a nearby car! In the aftermath of the explosion JODIE escapes, leaving JOHN and his crew to investigate.

JOHN BOYEGA

That's an expensive car innit, bet there's some good swag inside.

(rummages)

Yeah, I bet there's a hot market for these alien claws raking my face OW OW HEY WAIT A SEC

JOHN stabs the ALIEN and together the gang KILLS it!

FRANZ DRAMEH

Shit man that's an alien, bruv! It's an attack!

SIMON HOWARD

Shouldn't have tried attacking the ends, bruv! Nobody fucks with the block!

ALEX ESMAIL

We'll defend the block from any attack, allow it!

JOHN BOYEGA

Right have we done every combination except the actual title of the movie? We have? Good work fam.

The kids CELEBRATE their victory, having COMPLETELY FOILED THE POSSIBLE ALIEN TAKEOVER OF EARTH before the OPENING TITLE even happens.

INT. WYNDHAM TOWER, CLAYTON ESTATE, AKA THE BLOCK

The BOYEGA BUNCH make their way home, making some stops to introduce various SUPPORTING CAST, until finally arriving at the top floor where NICK FROST'S WEED FARM is located.

NICK FROST

Hey guys! Just think, when this film was released I was the only famous actor in it. Supplying the genre cred was all on me, seems weird now right?

JOHN BOYEGA

I guess. Anyway is it cool if we store this alien lifeform full of unknown biology and pathogens here in your carefully-regulated insulated marijuana grow-op?

NICK FROST

(wide grin)

Of course! And as long as it's okay with my drug dealer boss Jumayn Hunter.

JUMAYN HUNTER

(drug-dealer-ily)

Sure, fam. Oh which reminds me, John, I'm promoting you to cocaine distribution. Here's your first sample.

JOHN BOYEGA

Ah, this is gonna create huge complications for me later, innit. Or maybe I'll use it against the aliens at a critical moment?

JUMAYN HUNTER

(crime-ily)

Also here's a matchbook with exactly one match left, here's a metal spinning top, and here's the Staff of Ra. I figure I supply you with enough random shit, something's gotta pay off.

JOHN BOYEGA

(nods)

Allow it.

Outside, we see MORE METEORS are crash-landing!! The kids stop by their respective flats to GEAR UP with WEAPONS and SYMPATHETIC BACKSTORIES before heading out to STOMP MORE ALIENS!

EXT. LONDON

The kids find a crash site with a BIGGER, SCARIER ALIEN!

LEEON JONES

Shit! Well this is why I brought my dog, because movies with kids never allow bad things to happen to-

DOG

(eaten)

KEANU REEVES

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(chases alien, guns blazing)

MORE BEASTIE ALIENS CHARGE and the kids SCRAM, however JOHN is nicked by the FEDS in a BULLY VAN (for our non-UK readers, he was caught by the cops in a police van), BELIEVE (please trust me to have recounted this accurately).

POLICE OFFICER

(searching John)

Well well, we've got Jodie's phone, a knife, oh and cocaine but the specifics of the case don't seem to matter to us much. It's all about the roughing up, innit!

OTHER POLICE OFFICER

Truth, bruv!

(manhandling John)

Aw yeah, get lots of that sweet sweet alien pheromone all over me, that's the stuff. Now into the back with you while I

(chomped)

BEASTIES maul and rip apart the COPS while JOHN is trapped in the van with JODIE!

JOHN BOYEGA

Hey I'm trapped in the cage part, let me out!

JODIE WHITTAKER

Well if you'd rather NOT have a steel fence between you and the rampaging beasties who am I to argue?

(switches places with John)

JOHN drives the van to an underground garage but crashes into JUMAYN'S car!

JUMAYN HUNTER

(illegally-ily)

So you turned that tiny amount of cocaine into a runaway police van, handcuffs, and a hostage... This isn't a great start bruv.

JOHN BOYEGA

What hostage? This is, ah, my Uber passenger, and yes Uber totally exists in 2011, I'm helping with a London beta test.

(releases Jodie)

JODIE WHITTAKER

YEP WHAT HE SAID FIVE STARS, ALLOW IIIIIIT

(flees)

JUMAYN HUNTER

I dunno man. Maybe I should kill you and your entire gang right now!

JOHN BOYEGA

I can explain everything! Though maybe in the spirit of "show, don't tell", I should simply direct your attention to the alien beastie eating your henchman's face.

HENCHMAN

(being torn apart)

THIS REALLY IS QUITE AN EFFECTIVE ILLUSTRATION OF OUR PREDICAMEEEEEEENT

JUMAYN opens fire on the BEASTIE allowing JOHN and his buddies to race BACK TO THE BLOCK!

SIMON HOWARD

Except me, I had to jump into a dumpster!

(pause)

Where I stay the whole rest of the movie and do nothing.

(pause)

Except for a few panicked phone calls that don't help anyone.

(pause)

Until I finally get rescued by a pair of nine-year-olds.

(pause)

Let's get back to the movie proper, yeah?

INT. THE BLOCK

Inside the Block, JODIE has just made it back to her place when JOHN and his GANG show up and everyone piles inside her flat!

JODIE WHITTAKER

Oooh just fuck off the lot of you! I don't want any part of your gang nonsense, regardless of any mitigating socio-economic factors it might dramatize!

JOHN BOYEGA

It's not that, aliens are invading, believe!

JODIE WHITTAKER

Oh why should I believe that, just because ALIENS ARE BASHING DOWN THE DOOR RIGHT NOW OH SHIT

However JOHN kills the beastie DEAD with a SWORD!

JOHN BOYEGA

We need a more secure room. Let's go to my friend Danielle's, she's got a gate!

Everyone runs upstairs to DANIELLE'S flat!

DANIELLE VITALIS

Oooh just fuck off the lot of you! I don't want any part of your gang nonsense, despite the nuanced commentary on our society it may provide!

JOHN BOYEGA

It's not that, honest, aliens are invading, allow it!

DANIELLE VITALIS

Oh why should I believe that, just because ALIENS ARE CRASHING THROUGH THE WINDOW RIGHT NOW OH SHIT

However JODIE kills a beastie DEAD with a KNIFE, while DANIELLE dispatches another with a SKATE BLADE, looks like this round goes to the LADIES, innit!

JOHN BOYEGA

Before we run further upstairs to do the scene again, is everyone okay?

FRANZ DRAMEH

Mostly. Well my head DID get torn off, but on the other hand I lined up the choice part of Firestorm on Legends of Tomorrow, so that's THREE of us who'll go on to major--

JOHN BOYEGA

NOOOOO FRANZ NOOOO WHAT A TRAGIC POINTLESS WASTE THAT WILL NEVER COME TO ANYTHING MEANINGFUL NOOOO

FRANZ DRAMEH

(frowns, headlessly)

DANIELLE VITALIS

This is just like you John! Always bringing down swarms of lethal aliens wherever you go! I swear if I had a nickel for every time one of your mates got decapitated on my couch...

JOHN BOYEGA

(collecting himself)

Right then, let's keep going fam! We need a more secure room so let's go to Nick Frost's, he's got LOTS of gates!

JODIE WHITTAKER

Ooh, "fam", I like that. Gonna use that.

Everyone runs further upstairs towards NICK'S but must stop at a DANGEROUS HALLWAY.

JOHN BOYEGA

We'll launch some fireworks down there, the explosions will freak out the aliens and the smoke will fill the entire hallway. Then we can sneak our way through without being able to see where we're going and hope we don't bump into any pissed-off aliens. Good?

ALEX ESMAIL

BELIEVE!

(shoots fireworks)

JODIE WHITTAKER

(tiptoeing forward)

Remember, we'll be fine as long as we stick together and don't get turned around.

LEEON JONES

Sorry what? Did you say wander off alone and then spin around five times fast

(eaten)

JODIE WHITTAKER

That wasn't quite it, no.

Everyone else reaches NICK FROST'S place safely, but JUMAYN is waiting for them, having survived a CLOSE ENCOUNTER in an ELEVATOR armed only with ALL THE BULLETS, which apparently is even better than having a SKATE BLADE.

JUMAYN HUNTER

(pointing-gun-ily)

Oooh fuck you John! I've had it with your not paying off any of the Chekhov's crap I gave you, even though most of it was made up for this abridged script!

JOHN BOYEGA

I'm sorry it's just that, aliens are invading, and all!

JUMAYN HUNTER

(imminent-comeuppance-ily)

Oh why should I believe you, though I suspect the reason may well have something to do with the enormous pane window behind me which is dramatically framing a large number of beasties and YEP FACE GETTING EATEN, I SUPPOSE I CAN ADMIT NOW THAT MY PRIORITIES WERE NOT IN THE OPTIMAL ORDER

(dead)

Our heroes manage to reach the REINFORCED GROW-OP WEED ROOM where they notice that under the UV LIGHT, JOHN is covered in GOOP!

NICK FROST

That's it, John is covered in alien pheromone! That first tiny alien gooped you and the big beasties follow the scent! Fun fact, we totes blabbed this in a nature documentary on the tellie first time we were here, for those who were paying attention.

(winks)

JOHN BOYEGA

(grimly)

I gotta lure all these things back to my flat so I can blow them up. It's the only way to finish this.

ALEX ESMAIL

What about waiting here in this extra-reinforced room until heavily armed soldiers arrive to frag the aliens clumped outside?

JOHN BOYEGA

IT IS THE ONLY WAY FAM. BELIEVE.

JODIE WHITTAKER

I'd offer my flat since it's totally trashed anyway but sure, we can do yours! Anyone else living there who might mind?

JOHN BOYEGA

Just my shitty uncle who's a shitty piece of shit. He may or may not be there, but fuck him.

They carefully check JODIE with a UV LIGHT to make sure she is UNGOOPIFIED, and she gingerly heads downstairs past all the beasties to set the TRAP.

JODIE WHITTAKER

The aliens are ignoring me! Guess I could have just stayed back at mine while you all charged off upstairs, but ah well, hindsight and all that.

She turns on all the GAS at JOHN'S and leaves the door unlatched behind her, then gives the SIGNAL! JOHN straps the TINY BEASTIE to his back and SPRINTS towards his flat!

JOHN BOYEGA

ALSO PLEASE ACTIVATE SLO-MOTION SO THAT I HAVE A CHANCE IN HELL OF OUTRUNNING THESE FUCKS

JOHN gets there with the aliens right behind, ignites the GAS and all the ALIENS go KERBLAM!!! But did JOHN also perish in the conflagration??!??...

JOHN BOYEGA

Nope! I dove out the window and grabbed hold of the GOOD OLD UNION JACK hanging outside, HURRAH FOR BRITAIN, WOT WOT!! ALLOW IT!

(conducts orchestral performance of "Rule Brittania")

EXT. JUST OUTSIDE THE BLOCK

JOHN and his pals all get ARRESTED but JODIE vouches for them and the CROWD CHEERS WILDLY!

JOHN BOYEGA

Ah, it's nice to know that despite all the hostile fuckery out there, the people of my Block are 100% behind me.

JODIE WHITTAKER

It really is something to feel all that goodwill, especially in a science fiction setting!

JOHN and JODIE go on to be welcomed with OPEN HEARTS AND MINDS by their new respective ESTABLISHED FANBASES that are mercifully FREE OF ANY TOXIC BULLSHIT.

NCUTI GATWA

You all have NO IDEA how much time travelling it took to make THAT happen.

END