The Very Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. FILM STUDIO
WRITER ANDREW KEVIN WALKER
Hey, I wrote another disturbing movie like Se7en for David Fincher to direct.
JOEL SCHUMACHER
Oh! Oh! Can I do it? I really need to direct a good movie to make up for... you know, all of it.
WRITER ANDREW KEVIN WALKER
Well... I guess, if you--
JOEL SCHUMACHER
Hooray!
(grabs the script)
Where's my neon paint?
INT. NICOLAS CAGE'S HOME
KATHERINE KEENER
Hi honey. I am a pathetic waif.
NICOLAS CAGE
Zzzzzzz...
KATHERINE KEENER
You've been hired by an old woman to find out of the girl in a snuff film is alive or not?
NICOLAS CAGE
Zzzz.
KATHERINE KEENER
Hurry back, you pitiful weenie. I'll call you every day and make notes of your descent into the seedy realm of underground pornography.
INT. PORNO BOOK STORE
NICOLAS CAGE
Zzz? Zz. Zzzz.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Sure, I'll help you find the girl, and provide comic relief, too. First, lets rent a bunch of sick pornos to show how the world is changing you.
They watch pornographic materials. A girl is shown, bruised and battered, chained in shackles. She is slapped in the face by a big brute of a man. A tear rolls down her cheek, but it too is slapped away, along with all of her hopes and dreams. The big brute strips her of her clothing and dignity and rapes her hard. She sobs hopelessly, blood trickling down her thigh as he slaps and beats her.
AUDIENCE
I thought this movie was supposed to be really disturbing.
The brute slashes her throat. Blood pours down her stripped body and she lets out one final sob of desperation.
AUDIENCE
I think I saw this on cinemax the other day.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
I guess we should track down the people involved with this movie.
They leave, to track down THE MACHINE.
INT. NEON-COVERED PLACE
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
This is where the Machine makes his movies.
SOUNDTRACK
Hi there! What the hell am I?
Suddenly, THE MACHINE shows up. NICOLAS punches him in the face and his mask comes off.
DILBERT
NOO!! My mask!
DILBERT pulls out a CROSSBOW.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
A crossbow? What the hell?
JOAQUIN is shot.
NICOLAS CAGE
NOOOOO!!! I have become filled with rage and anger at what has been done here! I must exact revenge!
NICOLAS plunges a knife into DILBERT'S gut.
DILBERT
(gasping)
You are now no better than the people you hate!
WRITER ANDREW KEVIN WALKER
That's the point. See, it's supposed to repres-
JOEL SCHUMACHER
Shut up. Look at the pretty neon!
END