FADE IN:

INT. THE MUNSTERS' HOUSE

YOUNG MIA WASIKOSKA lies in bed, mourning the death of her MOTHER.

JIM BEAVER

Night night, sweet daughter of mine. Have dreams pleasanter than this scary-ass room décor.

MIA’s crying is INTERRUPTED by a STRANGE SOUND.

YOUNG MIA WASIKOWSKA

Oh god oh god oh god!

A 2003-era CGI GHOST straight out of a MUMMY MOVIE bursts into her room!

YOUNG MIA WASIKOWSKA

Pffffft HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man, Guillermo, I love you but seriously, not everything needs to be CGI.

(composes self)

I mean, oh god no! Ghosts are real! Oh the horror and trauma and whatnot! 2Spooky4Me!!!!!!

GHOST MOMMY

Bewaaaare, my daughter. Bewaaaare of Crimson Peak!

YOUNG MIA WASIKOWSKA

Why? It isn’t going to bomb at the box office, is it?

GHOST MOMMY departs.

INT. EARLY 1900'S BUFFALO

YOUNG MIA WASIKOWSKA grows up into MIA WASIKOWSKA, blandly feminist writer-type lady!

MIA WASIKOWKSA

I write ghost stories that people don't take seriously because I'm a woman. I am progressively more concerned about writing successfully than getting married.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Hello.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Welp, I'm in love.

TUMBLR

Fucking same.

TOM HIDDLESTON

And it's a good thing you've done so now because my character is going to completely fizzle out later in the movie.

CHARLIE HUNNAN

I am also around! I'm a doctor with an indeterminable accent. You would think that after years of playing an American on a television show I would have figured this out. It's just important to know that I am present in this here movie. And I’ve got a thing for Mia, I guess.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Yay! My very own Edward and Jacob!

TOM HIDDLESTON talks to MIA'S father JIM BEAVER and his board of BUSINESS PEOPLE about financing a clay pumping invention.

TOM HIDDLESTON

You see, I really need to harvest some clay because I have a shit ton of extra clay that looks an awful lot like blood under my mansion back in England and almost nothing else. I am really fucking broke, and I seem to be using pouty desperation as my pitch.

JIM BEAVER

I hate you. You aren't American and your hands show me you have never worked physical labor. These are soft, spindly hands. I wouldn’t trust these hands to give me a handjob much less do a job. Go drink some tea, limey.

Later MIA helps JIM get ready for a party.

JIM BEAVER

Are you sure you don't want to come to this party? Charlie Hunnan will be there and he likes you.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

No, Dad. If Jane Austen taught us anything, it’s that you have to pretend not to like a guy before you become madly obsessed with him. This is called depth or something. And I totally don't care about handsome doctors who are in love with me. I'm a serious writer and I'm going to spend the evening alone and writing.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Hello.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

I'll be ready in three minutes.

INT. PARTY

Party guests stare while MIA and TOM enter the party. TOM’s sister, JESSICA CHASTAIN, is at the party, aiming all FIVE THOUSAND WATTS of RESTING BITCHFACE at MIA.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

I want to cut your liver into tiny pieces and feed it to rodents while your father watches desperately from inside an iron maiden.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Most sisters are this jealous of their brothers' dates, right?

TOM HIDDLESTON

No. But she’s totally a red herring or something. Now, we must dance together while holding a candle. Would you please grasp my firm, thick, hot shaft and gyrate with me?

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Is my clitoris about to burst through my ornately-designed panties in lust? The answer is fucking yes, by the way.

They DANCE to the SHOCK of all!

Later on, TOM and JESSICA conspire alone.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

This is where we establish that your intentions for Mia are all a part of our secret plan to use her for her for our own gain.

TOM HIDDLESTON

And to get a lot of close up shots of that hideous ring you always wear.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

This ring is MINE, Tom. She's only BORROWING it while we get what we want out of her and then I get to carve her face out of her skull like a pumpkin-

TOM HIDDLESTON

Yep, we got it. You hate her. Some fucking red herring you turned out to be.

Meanwhile, JIM has hired DETECTIVE BURN GORMAN to investigate the HIDDLE-TWINS.

JIM BEAVER

I have my suspicions about Tom and his creepy-ass sister. He seems far too low-key for my taste, and her accent is fake as fuck.

BURN GORMAN

You can always count on the Burn Unit.

BURN leaves, and INSTANTLY returns with PAPERS.

BURN GORMAN

I got a Kaiju-sized fuck up to show you, Jim.

(shows documents)

JIM BEAVER

Holy shit. I better get them far away from my daughter and never tell her why!

JIM talks to JESSICA and TOM in private.

JIM BEAVER

Just look at these here documents I found!

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Oh dear, we are busted.

TOM HIDDLESTON

That is quite a paper trail of wrong doing.

JIM BEAVER

Which I will not reveal to the audience or to Mia. Now take this money, break Mia's heart, and get out of town before I tell everyone about all of your documented scheming ways!

TOM shreds MIA’s heart into tiny pieces and BAILS like Stephen King’s DAD. JIM goes to have a SHOWER and some BREAKFAST while also BATHING we’re not even KIDDING he eats breakfast while in the BATH apparently but then SOMEONE introduces his FACE to the SINK until they both BREAK. While in mourning, MIA goes back to TOM.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Tom! I decided I’m still love! And I decided this before I found out my father is dead to preserve the integrity of my character!

TOM HIDDLESTON

You seem in a perfectly rational state of mind right now. I accept your acceptance of my proposal.

TOM AND MIA make out in EXTREME CLOSE UP while all of TUMBLR masturbates. Later, MIA goes to identify her FATHER’S BODY.

CORONER

Well as you can see from the way his forehead has sunken into the rest of his face and he has a series of other serious gashes... I'd say he tripped on the slippery floor and knocked his noggin, poor boy.

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Hold that thought! As a brilliant doctor with a named character, I contest your ruling. This man obviously got murd-

TOM HIDDLESTON

MIA WE SHOULD MOVE TO ENGLAND FAR AWAY FROM EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER KNOWN SAY "WHAT" IF YOU MEAN YES.

MIA WASIKOWKSA

What?

TOM HIDDLESTON

Ha! No take-backs!

INT. ADDAMS FAMILY PLAY SET

MIA and TOM arrive home.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Wow I am so glad I left everything I know in the midst of a tragedy to come live alone with you and the woman who hates me most. At least you have a big house.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Yep, and here it is. It's crumbling apart, bleeds clay, is steadily sinking into a pit, and produces an OMINOUS MOVIE SCORE every time the wind blows. There is also a giant hole in the roof where everything from leaves to snow and rain fall through. You aren't safe from the elements. It provides none of the sanctuary or insulation an actual standing structure is supposed to provide a human.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

'Kay.

(pause)

I mean, at least we have each other. And, uh, Jessica, I guess.

JESSICA CAHSTAIN

Welcome home, Mia. You can't have any keys to the house but you can have as much TEA as you want. Have the TEA, Mia. DRINK THE FUCKING TEA MIA-

TOM HIDDLESTON

Okay, I think Mia is going to have a bath.

MIA takes a bath while TOM and JESSICA talk.

TOM HIDDLESTON

You have to hold off on serving her THE TEA until she has signed the papers to transfer her assets over to us and our thriving home.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Not sure why she has to do any signing, since you two are married and already share property.

TOM HIDDLESTON

We are banking on the fact that nobody is going to question Victorian age English/American inheritance/marital assets law. She just has to sign the fucking papers, okay?

JESSICA CHASTAIN

(grumbles about tea)

Meanwhile, MIA sees A LOT of CGI GHOSTS.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Tom! Fucking Christ! There are a shit ton of ghosts here. Bleeding, stabbed, crying, and screaming ghosts. As someone who has been haunted by her mother her whole life, I have a high tolerance for this and these ghosts are still freaking me out.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Oh, it's okay, Mia. CRIMSON PEAK doesn't have any ghosts.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Did you just say “Crimson Peak”?

TOM HIDDLESTON

Yep. Well, the house is actually called “Allerdale House” but some of the locals call it “Crimson Peak” because of all that blood-clay.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

God dammit, ghost mom! You had one job! Tom, can you please get me out of this house?

TOM HIDDLESTON

Anything for you, honey bun!

INT. POST OFFICE LIKE TEN MINUTES AWAY FROM THE HOUSE

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Not what I had in mind, Tommy boy. Oh well, as long as we’re here I might as well check my mail. Hmm, a suspicious letter from Milan. Didn’t you try to raise money in Milan before coming to my dad for-

TOM HIDDLESTON

WANNA BANG LET’S BANG I COULD SURE GO FOR A GOOD ROGERING RIGHT NOW.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Sweet!

They screw in the POST OFFICE’S SPARE ROOM and we get to see 0.5% of TOM’S ASS for like TWO SECONDS.

TUMBLR

(shits itself orgasming)

Back at the mansion, MIA cheerfully greets JESSICA in CINEMA’S LEAST-SANITARY LOOKING KITCHEN.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Hello, sister in law! My what a beautiful day! I’m so happy I’m going to ignore the way you always look like you want to shank me with a toothbrush.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Oh god, you seem cheerful. OH GOD, YOU SEEM CHEERFUL! DID YOU BANG MY BROTHER?!

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Whoa whoa whoa! Yes, okay?! We’ve been married for weeks, it was about time we shared his Mjolnir, if you know what I’m saying.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

(nearly brains MIA with a frying pan)

YOU ARE NOT WORTHY!

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Jesus, slow the fuck down there, Zero Dark Crazy. Why are you so protective of Tom anyway?

JESSICA CHASTAIN

PROTECTIVE HAHAHAHA I’M NOT PROTECTIVE WHO CARES IF YOU TWO HAVE ALL THE SEX THAT’S FINE WITH ME OH LOOK THE TEA’S DONE WANT SOME TEA MIA DRINK THE FUCKING TEA MIA.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

(drinks tea)

(vomits a quart of blood)

Yummy.

Days pass, with MIA getting progressively SICKER and SICKER. JESSICA continues SHOVING TEA down MIA’s THROAT during this time, arousing exactly ZERO SUSPICIONS. TOM confronts JESSICA.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Dammit, Jessica, I’m having second thoughts about all these Charlotte Bronte shenanigans. I like Mia. I won’t let you tea her to death.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

No, Tom. We must. It is part of our plan. Our plan which we have executed four times already without even a slight variation and no one has noticed and it still hasn’t succeeded and also someone in Milan knows about it and is sending incriminating letters.

TOM HIDDLESTON

But we don’t need to this time. I’ve finally fixed my clay-pumping doohickeys, pretty soon we’ll be rolling in sweet, sweet clay money. You know, assuming there’s no worldwide Great Depression in the near future or anything.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

No. I’m killing Mia. Via tea, like a proper Englishwoman.

But that night, MIA summons the strength to get out of BED and see another SPOOKY PHOTOSHOP GHOST.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Ohhhh man, those ghosts look dumber each time I see them.

SPOOKY GHOST

(flips MIA off)

MIA WASIKOWKSA

Well, the plot has officially stalled so, would you mind kicking it all back into gear for me? Thanks.

SPOOKY GHOST

(sighs)

(points down the hall)

MIA goes where the GHOST pointed and stumbles upon JESSICA giving TOM a handjob!

MIA WASIKOWKSA

Oh god, I fucking knew you two were giving off Lannister vibes!

TOM HIDDLESTON

Mia, I can explain!

JESSICA CHASTAIN

And I can shove you off the fucking balcony! TEA TIME’S OVER, BITCH!

MIA falls 300 FEET and SMASHES her SPINE against a STAIR RAILING and then LANDS on HARD CEMENT and then a PIANO SQUASHES HER and then she WAKES UP with a TWISTED ANKLE and a MILD HEADACHE because GUILLERMO DEL TORO doesn’t understand how PHYSICS WORKS.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

You took a tumble last night, dearie. Any memories you might have of incestuous relations was probably just fall damage. Anyway, luckily for you, Charlie Hunnam arrived within minutes of the incident to take care of you.

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Yes, I come bearing medical expertise. Also accusations. Jim Beaver’s head was caved in by MURDER! Jessica opened his brains like a hardboiled egg to, uh, I don't know, get you to marry Tom somehow? They just want your money, they've pulled this scam four other times with four other women and no one's noticed because apparently wives get misplaced all the time in jolly old England. Now, I'm going to sloooowly walk over and grab Mia and then sloooooowly walk towards the door and just trust on your honor as Englishfolk to not-

JESSICA CHASTAIN

(shanks him like a prison snitch)

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Fair enough.

But TOM somehow sneaks CHARLIE downstairs into the CELLAR.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Please continue dying for a very long time while I handle all the nutty broads upstairs, 'kay?

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Will do.

TOM goes to talk to JESSICA.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Well, the cat's out of the bag. Let's just call the whole thing off, huh? My clay machine works finally. We can have money again.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

No. I simply won't share you with that cardboard Alice and her Wonderland of two facial expressions.

TOM HIDDLESTON

But we could go away. Start a new life. Together. All of us.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Are you asking for a threesome?

TOM HIDDLESTON

No! Of course not! I mean.... are you down, or....?

JESSICA CHASTAIN

(stabs him in the ribs)

TOM HIDDLESTON

Okay, I can see I might have come on too strong, but plenty of couples are doing non-monogamy these days-

JESSICA CHASTAIN

(stabs him in the chest)

TOM HIDDLESTON

So, we're getting this all out in the open. That's good. Now if we could just work on your jealousy issues-

JESSICA CHASTAIN

(stabs him in the fucking face)

TOM HIDDLESTON

Good talk, sis.

JESSICA finally SNAPS and chases MIA through the HOUSE with a KNIFE. MIA hobbles like the WIND through the various CLUE-style SECRET PASSAGES and finally winds up OUTSIDE! JESSICA confronts her!

JESSICA CHASTAIN

There's no escaping now. Unless you were to, I don't know, turn and run some more. You seemed to be doing just fine. Anyway, time to make some Mia sushi.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

(casts "Summon Dead")

Suddenly, TOM HIDDLEGHOST appears!

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Oh god, what horrors! What soul-crushing, horrifying, mind-melting-

MIA WASIKOWSKA

(brains JESSICA with a shovel she pulled out of her ass)

The two former lovers gaze at each other, separated by the THRESHOLD of DEATH.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Oh god, Tom, I'm so confused. I loved you, truly and deeply, even though you're an awkward kisser with a crazy sister and an entourage of ghosts living in your attic. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forget OH HEY Charlie's alive! Bye!

TOM HIDDLESTON

(evaporates)

MIA and CHARLIE lean on each other as they WALK down the ROAD to safety.

CHARLIE HUNNAM

What a horror story that was.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Meh. More like Downton Abbey with with the occasional ghost slapped in. Now, how about we get our neural handshake on?

CHARLIE HUNNAM

You had me at "Ghosts are real oh mah gawd Imma go marry Tom Hiddleston and live with him in his scary mansion with his crazy sister!" You silly twit.

END