FADE IN:

AARON MOORHEAD gets the mind-bending sci-fi antics started immediately by using a flip phone in a 2018 movie.

AARON MOORHEAD

You're in the right place if you thought Annihilation was too straightforward and Primer needed a space monster. As teenagers my older brother and I lived a happy life in a-

JUSTIN BENSON

CASTRATION SUICIDE CULT

AARON MOORHEAD

The fuck, bro? It was a peaceful commune! Full of many working testicles! And ever since we left, we've lived horrible lives alone with our friends Noodle and Ramen. And no sex.

JUSTIN BENSON

So you want to go back? No way, as the older control freak brother I say absolutely not.

AARON MOORHEAD

I don't think you heard me Justin. NO SEX. We should be token virgins in a group of young adults in their forest cabin camp on a lake.

JUSTIN BENSON

What is this, high-concept Friday the 13th?

They agree to return for ONE. DAY. ONLY. Meanwhile a cloud is shaped like a circle! CIRCLEEEEEEEEES

EXT. CAMP HEAVENGATE - DAY ONE OF ONE

The brothers continue making a surprising amount of references to castration until they reach the overly cheery commune base.

TATE ELLINGTON

Why hello there, Benhead brothers! OH JESUS RUN, WE'RE ALL BEING TORTURED, YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW So good to see you again!

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

My main hobby is dying in horror movies, so RUN AWAY! RUN WHILE YOU CAN have some beer and drugs and don't worry.

SHANE BRADY

I have a floating baseball, watch!

(throws baseball)

(bonks Justin in head)

Wait that didn't work. Let me throw it a slightly different-

(bonks him again)

(bonks him again)

(bonks him again)

NIGHT FALLS and the cult IMMEDIATELY lures the brothers into separate cabins while feeding them mysterious drinks.

TATE ELLINGTON

Great self-preservation instincts, guys. I like how you instantly split up, too. Worth it for that slo-mo jogging montage.

(points at chalkboard)

Check out my huge equation, it's my life's work.

JUSTIN BENSON

You literally shoved fifty algebra symbols on one side and nothing on the other. Congratulations.

TATE ELLINGTON

Yes, but it could equal ANYTHING!

JUSTIN BENSON

Oh God, are we doing that Stanley Kubrick thing where everything is vague enough that any flaw automatically becomes proof of the director's master genius?

TATE ELLINGTON

I don't know, go find the screenwriter and ask him. I'm off to play tug-of-war with a space demon.

JUSTIN BENSON

The fuck is happening now?

TATE ELLINGTON

I hope you're ready to say that a lot.

Everyone plays TUG-OF-WAR against an UNSEEN OPPONENT in an admirable attempt to make TUG-OF-WAR a scary game. The scary water-balloon toss is wisely deleted.

JUSTIN BENSON

That does it, we're getting out of here before the scary potato bag race!

(beer)

Okay we can stay ooooone more day.

EXT. CAMP JONESTOWN - DAY TWO OF ONE

JUSTIN finds a bloody shoe! And thumpy noises! And spooky dust clouds! SPOOOOOOOKY DUST CLOUUUUUDS

TATE ELLINGTON

That sure is bizarre. Maybe if you stay ANOTHER day you'll figure it out.

JUSTIN BENSON

Absolutely not! I won't... Hey, are those two moons at once?

TATE ELLINGTON

All scientifically explainable I'm sure! You'll get the answer if you go jump in this lake.

JUSTIN BENSON

Or I could jump the hell in my car and leave. Where's my brother?

AARON is sucking drugs directly out of CALLIE'S MOUTH.

JUSTIN BENSON

(pause)

Okay only ooooooooooone more day.

EXT. CAMP COUNTYHOPE - DAY THREE OF ONE

JUSTIN jumps in a lake and is attacked by a SENTIENT OIL SPILL! SENTIENT OIIIIILL SPIIIIIILLLLL actually it's pretty cool.

JUSTIN BENSON

Run, Aaron! Run to the car and escape!

AARON MOORHEAD

Can we stay oooooone more-

JUSTIN BENSON

NO AARON, SUBMIT TO THE DOMINANCE GRANTED TO ME BY OUR MOTHER'S WOMB

AARON MOORHEAD

Tate, explain to my brother that he's a dick I would like to castrate off myself.

TATE ELLINGTON

Don't you see, Justin, it's a metaphor for surrendering to God! If you accept His benevolence on faith, He will let you slowly rot in boredom as you praise Him forever and ever and ever. Why doesn't this appeal to you?

JUSTIN runs off into the haunted forest.

TATE ELLINGTON

That's too bad. Okay Aaron, just relax and wait for the third moon to rise, there's nothing to worry-

LEW TEMPLE

leave. free yourself at the same time. leave

TATE ELLINGTON

Don't mind Lew, he's eternally bored from spending time on The Walking Dead. It's all happy fun here all the time forever!

AARON MOORHEAD

You guys would warn me if I was about to be sucked into an endless time vortex, right?

EXT. JAMES JORDAN'S TRAILER - DAY 1/8TH OF ONE (STICK WITH ME HERE)

JUSTIN finds bizarro biker guy JAMES JORDAN and the dead body of bizarro biker guy JAMES JORDAN.

JAMES JORDAN

Your brother is about to be sucked into an endless time vortex. The oil spill deity is trapping people in time loops, and everyone dies when the loops reset. Except they don't die. Unless they kill themselves. But they still don't die. Well they die but then they don't.

JUSTIN BENSON

I'm confused. So you're stuck in a time loop, forced to repeat the same actions again and again, except you still have the free will to commit suicide or talk to me or essentially do whatever you want?

JAMES JORDAN

Except I don't. Now suck my dick. Ha ha, just kidding! Except I'm not. Yes I am. Maybe. Oh God I've killed myself and fucked my own corpse while it's warm, please suck my dick. I'm so lonely.

JUSTIN BENSON

(sighs)

Alright, I think I understand: if my brother and I are still here tomorrow night, we get trapped forever in a Live-Die-Repeat situation. Happy Death Day with Cthulhu. But forever. Now that I found the conflict, can you point me to the resolution?

JAMES JORDAN

Heh heh heh. Resolution is that way.

JUSTIN walks some more and ends up in a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MOVIE! For REAL!

INT. 2012 - DAYS ONE THROUGH SEVEN OF ONE

VINNY CURRAN

Surprise! It's us, the stars of six-year-old indie horror "Resolution," revealing the deity's REAL goal is to create its own shared cinematic universe!

PETER CILELLA

(handcuffing an enthusiastic Vinny to a mattress)

And if you haven't seen "Resolution," you could be forgiven for briefly thinking you're watching amateur bear bondage porn!

VINNY and PETER cover themselves in gasoline and burn themselves alive.

JUSTIN BENSON

Thank God, I was on absolute tenterhooks for the conclusion of a movie I'd never heard of.

(leaves)

VINNY and PETER come back to life having not remembered anything. Except they do. But they act like they don't. Maybe there's an answer in the directors' THIRD MOVIE.

EXT. FOREST FULL OF TIME LOOPS - DAY ?????? OF ??????

AARON finds a 1800's-era guy who's been violently exploding every three seconds for 200 years.

AARON MOORHEAD

Eh, that's only 2,102,400,000 explosions and counting. Nothing to worry about.

GUY SEVERAL YARDS OVER

(masturbating on repeat)

Hey, I've been stuck in the same four seconds since 1922, in which I'm five seconds away from ejaculation. Who's REALLY getting tortured?

AARON MOORHEAD

Alright, can this movie tone down the sex and castration references? I'm pretty certain "It Follows" had less discussions about sex, and it had a sex demon, and I still haven't gotten laid yet.

JUSTIN BENSON

(running up)

Aaron! If we don't escape, we'll be doing slight variations on the same events, forever and ever so the deity can watch us for entertainment! What monster would enjoy watching the same thing forever and ever?!

AARON MOORHEAD

Star Wars fans.

JUSTIN BENSON

Hey, that's a... Ooh was that Palpatine? GUYS THEY'RE BRINGIN' BACK PALPATINE!

Then the MOVIE ITSELF literally starts playing inside the MOVIE ITSELF showing the movie playing inside the MOVIE ITSELF showing the movie playing inside the MOVIE ITSELF until the deity realizes the movie is about to disappear into its own never-ending rectum and KICKS THE PROJECTOR INTO THE SKY. For real.

EXT. CAMP CRYSTAL LOOPER - ABOUT TO BE DAY -3,650 OF ININITY DAYS

AARON and JUSTIN walk through camp at a pace much slower than one would think, considering they are about to be thrown in a cosmic blender.

AARON MOORHEAD

Justin, I've decided to stay in the time loop. I find the life you've given me meaningless and joyless. So now, by killing myself, I will live forever, but not really live at all, but it'll all be worth it before I fall.

The cult members get raptured into sludgy hamburger.

AARON MOORHEAD

I take back everything I said LET'S GO!

They run to the car as they are pursued by XBOX 360 GRAPHICS! XBOX 360 GRAAAAPHIIIIICS

JUSTIN BENSON

We'll never make it! I've always loved you brother!

AARON MOORHEAD

And I've always thought you were a colossal fuckup! But I wish *I* could be as colossal a fuckup as you! Please let me make mistakes so I can blame myself when everything goes wrong!

JUSTIN BENSON

That is a bizarre request but I will do that AS LONG AS YOU START THE CAR AND WE ESCAPE!!!!

They make it past the time barrier, smashing ANOTHER CAR DRIVING IN on the way out! In the exact same place where their MOTHER was smashed in a car wreck exactly two time loops ago, let's not think about that too much.

JUSTIN BENSON

Day... Day TWO! We did it! We escaped! And to honor my commitment regarding letting you take charge, I will allow you to use up our gas and let us die on the side of the road.

AARON MOORHEAD

We sure showed THAT deity and its loop multitudes! Do you think it was a missed opportunity not to fill the forest with groundhogs?

JUSTIN BENSON

Let's make our next movie reveal how the deity learned to use UPS Delivery, which is a thing that happened earlier.

AARON MOORHEAD

(watching credits)

I think I'm stuck in another time loop, I'm seeing our names appear over and over.

END

JUSTIN BENSON

Wha... AHEM?!

Oh. Uh... NOT THE END? I dunno.