FADE IN:

EXT. BEACH

Muscle-bound FREAK DWAYNE JOHNSON is patrolling the BEACH as a LIFEGUARD when he spots a small plastic BAG in the surf.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Oh look - free steroids! Jackpot!

DWAYNE looks closer.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Wait a minute, these are drugs!

(scratches back-acne)

Drugs, which are totally different from steroids, are bad!

(grows beard on each bicep)

I've got to stop these drugs!

(has decreased sperm count)

DWAYNE takes the DRUGS to the other LIFEGUARDS instead of, I dunno, the POLICE.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Guys, look at these drugs I found. As lifeguards, we should totally look into this further without alerting the authorities, right?

ILFENESH HADERA

I say we call the cops, and you should listen to me because I'm the head lifeguard. I think. Wait are you the head lifeguard? Whatever, nobody cares.

KELLY ROHRBACH

Yeah we probably should call the cops, but I'm good either way because no matter what I will just be super-friendly and smile a lot. Surely that's not the extent of my characterization, is it?

It is.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

I'm glad you both agree with me. Now, we'll need a bigger team if we're going to stop these drugs. Conveniently, we're holding our annual lifeguard tryouts today, where we hire one new lifeguard. Fuck it, let's hire three - I doubt anyone pays much attention to the lifeguard budget. I wonder who will make the team?

Exactly three APPLICANTS are introduced, heightening the DRAMA of the TRYOUTS.

ZAC EFRON

I am a world swimming champion with diamond-cut abs who partied too hard and embarrassed myself at the Olympics. I'm basically Ryan Lochte with a bigger vocabulary. For example, I know the word "vocabulary".

ALEXANDRA DADDARIO

I am an aspiring lifeguard who is tough and gritty, because sometimes I say "fuck". I sure hope that's not a sign that this is one of those hastily-written crapfests with no sense of direction that doesn't even know what genre it is.

JON BASS

And I am the painfully unfunny comic relief. Look how out of shape I am, in stark contrast to Dwayne and Zac. That simple comparison is all we need for an endless fountain of humor!

(pause)

Wait, why would a comedy need comic relief?

DWAYNE JOHNSON

This is a comedy?

ALEXANDRA DADDARIO

Fuck.

INT. POLICE(?) STATION

DWAYNE takes the DRUGS to his BOSS, ROB HEUBEL.

ROB HEUBEL

You need to hire Zac, because of PR or something. The whole community pays real close attention to the lifeguard budget, apparently. Anyway, he's obviously a great swimmer and that's all there is to lifeguarding, so I'm sure he'll fit in with your team.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Hell no! Zac is an entitled douche who refused to even try out - there is absolutely no way I would ever hire him in a million years.

ROB HEUBEL

He probably has some really good steroid guys he can hook you up with.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

OK Zac is hired. Also, I found these drugs on the beach and I think we should investigate!

ROB HEUBEL

Well those are certainly bad and dangerous, unlike steroids. I don't see how you'll have time to investigate, though, because in addition to full-time lifeguarding, you've got to be spending, what, 4 hours a day at the gym? You look like a Bowflex commercial that ate the guy on Game Of Thrones. I'll handle the investigation.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

You're not just saying that because you're corrupt and trying to keep me from discovering your corruption, are you? Because that would be really cliched and unoriginal.

ROB HEUBEL

Ha ha, of course not!

(cackles maniacally)

I'm saying it because lifeguards aren't the best choice to lead criminal investigations, which is actually a sound and reasonable position.

(twirls mustache)

So, as long as this movie isn't completely brain-dead, I should be… shit, I'm corrupt, aren't I?

(votes against Net Neutrality)

EXT. BEACH

DWAYNE and his CREW are lifeguarding when they are approached by PRIYANKA CHOPRA.

PRIYANKA CHOPRA

I am a wealthy aristocrat who is rich. That may not sound like much of a character, but since this movie has all the creativity of a metronome, the fact that I am rich ALSO means I am evil.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

If you're rich, then why are you talking to us, a humble group of lowly underwear models?

JON BASS

And me! Because I'm not in peak physical condition? Get it? Anyone?

PRIYANKA CHOPRA

I wanted to invite you all to my rich party for rich people, which will be held in my rich club. It is a totally normal thing to invite the local lifeguards. There's no need to be suspicious because I am definitely NOT trafficking drugs!

Suddenly, a BOAT is on fire! DWAYNE and his CREW race to the rescue, instead of, I dunno, calling the FIRE DEPARTMENT.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Uh oh, the boat is surrounded by a ring of fire - good thing we came all the way out here to A FIRE with zero fire extinguishing equipment.

DWAYNE swims under the FIRE to get to the BOAT, where he finds a dead OSCAR NUNEZ.

ILFENESH HADERA

Dwayne, you courageous hero! How could you be so brave?

ZAC swims under the FIRE to get to the BOAT.

ILFENESH HADERA

Zac, you reckless idiot! How could you be so stupid?

The real POLICE arrive, led by YAHYA ABDUL-MATEEN II.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Yahya, I think Priyanka is trafficking drugs, and we can confirm it if we investigate this dead body, somehow!

YAHYA ABDUL-MATEEN II

Calm down, Nancy Drew. This guy's probably a nobody anyway - he looks like an accountant for a paper company.

INT. RICH PEOPLE CLUB

DWAYNE and his CREW arrive at PRIYANKA'S rich PARTY for rich PEOPLE who have RICHES.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

OK guys, here's the plan: Girls, spread out and look for clues. Zac, you're the lookout. Jon, continue to be useless.

JON BASS

(is useless)

ZAC EFRON

Wait, what exactly am I looking out for? Where will you guys be? And do you really think it's a good idea to leave me unsupervised around all this alcohol, my one known weakness?

DWAYNE JOHNSON

All that stuff would only matter if this movie's writers gave a shit. You just need to avoid getting drunk and acting like a jackass like you did at the Olympics. I haven't trusted you from the beginning, and since then I've only seen you be careless and selfish, so I'm pretty sure this plan will go off without a hitch.

ZAC gets drunk and acts like a JACKASS.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Damnit Zac, your drunken antics have blown our cover, in some vague, unspecified way! You are hereby off the team until you take some time to think about how your reckless behavior endangered the team!

EXT. BEACH, THE NEXT DAY

ZAC thinks about how his reckless BEHAVIOR endangered the TEAM.

ZAC EFRON

Dwayne, you were right. I want to come back and earn you guys' trust. I've totally changed as a person in less time than it's taken me to recover from my hangover.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Wow. I am impressed.

ZAC EFRON

By how quickly I've matured?

DWAYNE JOHNSON

No, by how that is the closest thing to a character arc in this sorry excuse for a movie. Now let's go to the morgue and investigate that dead body.

ZAC EFRON

Let's bring Alexandra too, so she and I can continue to develop our budding chemistry!

ALEXANDRA DADDARIO

What was your name again?

DWAYNE, ZAC, and ALEXANDRA sneak into the MORGUE and catch PRIYANKA'S HENCHMEN trying to alter OSCAR'S autopsy REPORT. There is probably a FIGHT or a CHASE or SOMETHING? It doesn't really matter.

INT. POLICE(?) STATION

DWAYNE explains his FINDINGS to ROB.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Priyanka's goons broke into the morgue and messed with the corpse's autopsy report!

ROB HEUBEL

How do you know this?

DWAYNE JOHNSON

I saw them do it right after I broke into the morgue and messed with the corpse's autopsy report.

ROB HEUBEL

You're fired.

EXT. BEACH

A dead BODY washes up along the SHORE, and ZAC learns it was HANNIBAL BURESS.

ZAC EFRON

Hannibal Buress was in this movie?

JON BASS

He was my friend! And way funnier than me, too. Why didn't we use him more?

ALEXANDRA DADDARIO

Probably because he has the energy level of a young actress on her second drink with Bill Cosby. What can we do now?

JON BASS

Well, have you guys noticed how socially awkward and dorky I am?

ZAC EFRON

Of course, I mean earlier you literally got your dick stuck in a chair.

JON BASS

And have you noticed how simplistic and stereotypical the characters in this movie are?

ZAC EFRON

Yes, and since I'm a cocky jock, that means I can't be too smart so can you please just tell me what you're getting at?

ALEXANDRA DADDARIO

If he's dorky, that must mean he's also… a computer hacker! You can hack stuff on the cyber like a dorky, nerdy, dork-nerd, can't you?

JON BASS

(pushes glasses up nose)

(snorts)

Abso-tutilly-utilly!

JON hacks PRIYANKA'S, uh, SERVERS? Yeah let's go with SERVERS. He hacks her SERVERS and confirms that PRIYANKA is trafficking DRUGS!

JON BASS

I guess we could turn all this evidence over to the police, but that just doesn't seem dumb enough. Zac, you got any worse ideas?

ZAC EFRON

Duh. Why let the police deal with a dangerous drug cartel when we could just charge in blindly with no weapons, no backup, and no plan?

INT. STORE

DWAYNE already has a new job as a PHONE SALESMAN, because WHO GIVES A SHIT at this POINT, when DAVID HASSELHOFF appears.

DAVID HASSELHOFF

C'mon, Dwayne, you can't give up now. Do you have any idea how many idiotic plots I had to sit through on Baywatch? Every week it was something more ridiculous, but I just kept going. And do you know why?

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Because it was your only career option besides "German pop singer"?

DAVID HASSELHOFF

No! I mean, yes, but also, think about what it means to be a lifeguard. Are you ready to give all that up?

DWAYNE JOHNSON

You mean how I can save people's lives and be a positive role model for the local youth?

DAVID HASSELHOFF

No, meathead. You go to work every day surrounded by gorgeous women in skimpy clothing! Most guys can only dream of that scenario, or search for it on Pornhub.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Good point. Back to lifeguarding it is!

EXT. RICH PEOPLE BOAT

PRIYANKA is throwing a PARTY on the same BOAT she uses to traffic DRUGS, which is a smart thing that is done by all successful DRUG DEALERS.

ZAC EFRON

OK guys, I know Dwayne's not here, but I can be a pretty good leader too.

(is immediately captured)

PRIYANKA CHOPRA

Mwah ha ha, you lifeguards are so dumb. Now you'll never be able to prove that I bribed Rob. Did everyone catch that? I said I BRIBED ROB!!!

ZAC is locked in a CAGE and lowered into the WATER. Suddenly, DWAYNE is there!

ZAC EFRON

I'm glad you're here to rescue me, but how are you going to get me out of this locked cage?

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Relax, Charlie St Cloud. Same way I got here - we'll just show up in the next scene, with no explanation whatsoever.

DWAYNE and ZAC join up with the other LIFEGUARDS and confront PRIYANKA. She calls a HELICOPTER to escape, but JON and KELLY attack it with FIREWORKS. Which they hacked. Seriously.

DWAYNE kills PRIYANKA with FIREWORKS!

ROB is arrested!

PAMELA ANDERSON is still alive!

JON BASS

And what shitty movie would be complete without the dorky guy ending up with a lightyears-out-of-his-league girlfriend?

(ogles Kelly, dorkily)

KELLY ROHRBACH

Dude, this is Baywatch. Of COURSE it's shitty. The entire premise is showing the glistening skin of genetic lottery winners moving gracefully under a golden sun in slow motion, not thoughtful writing. I can't imagine anyone would go into this movie expecting anything more than a minimal attempt at a coherent story.

JON BASS

Sure, but we also could have done a smart, winking parody of that whole concept. That slow-motion bit that was in the trailer? That was kinda clever! But besides the slow-mo and the one time I was eating a salad while all the hot lifeguards ate greasy fast food, did we even attempt anything else remotely like that?

KELLY ROHRBACH

Pffft, that would require a script with a higher level of intelligence than the average MRA message board comment, so, no. Plus, it might have forced us to hire more real actresses and fewer supermodels.

(glances around nervously)

And we probably would have needed an overarching theme or message or something.

JON BASS

I thought the overarching theme was that drugs are bad?

DWAYNE JOHNSON

(rage-punches random surfer)

END