FADE IN:

INT. A LARGE, OVERLY SATURATED, GRITTY-LOOKING HOUSE

JODIE FOSTER walks around the house.

JODIE FOSTER

Well, I don't really like the house or the location.

REAL ESTATE AGENT

You'll really like the panic room. In case someone breaks in and tries to murder you, you can lock yourself in here. There is no food or water supply, but you can definitely sustain your own life for the duration of a modern Hitchcockian suspense thriller.

JODIE FOSTER

Wow, it's like my own personal jail cell. I don't think I could want this any less. Couldn't someone get their hand caught in the door as it slams shut?

REAL ESTATE AGENT

Of course not! Well, except later, when one of the criminals has that very thing happen to him.

(pause)

Anyway, make a choice. Buy it now or never.

JODIE FOSTER

I'll take it inexplicably, without even considering what the existence of this room implies about this part of town.

The movie calms down for a split second, so DIRECTOR DAVID FINCHER takes the camera on a joyride through a computer-generated model of the house.

DIRECTOR DAVID FINCHER

Think I can fit the camera through the handle of this coffee pot? Think I can? Huh? Huh?

(he does it)

FUCK YEAH I CAN! WHOO!

JODIE FOSTER

Ahem, so anyway.. I'm going to sleep now. I love you, daughter...

(pause)

Daughter, right?

KRISTEN STEWART

Yeah. I'm female.

JODIE FOSTER

Right. Sleep well. I'll be getting drunk now.

Everyone goes to sleep. After a while, FOREST WHITAKER, JARED LETO, and DWIGHT YOAKAM break into the bottom floor.

FOREST WHITAKER

There are people in this house. We shouldn't do this - I'm a very upright, moral fellow aside from the breaking, entering, and stealing. I have a family.

DWIGHT YOAKAM

I am your polar opposite. Our starkly opposing viewpoints will create much tension. All we need now is a third party, middle-of-the road mediator.

JARED LETO

Don't look at me, I'm a blundering lunatic. Let's break stuff! YEAH! PROJECT MAYHEM!!

JODIE FOSTER

Criminals! I will encase my daughter and myself inside of the panic room.

FOREST WHITAKER

Wow, I never could have possibly expected that to happen. I guess our only option now is to make them come out. Let's fill the room with propane.

JODIE FOSTER

I will ignite this propane, allowing the fire to burn on the ceiling and cleverly save my daughter and myself.

KRISTEN STEWART

Actually, propane is heavier than air. It would sink and burn us into dark, overly saturated, gritty looking corpses.

FOREST, JARED, and DWIGHT think of another idea to make them come out. It doesn't work.

JODIE thinks of a way to call for help. It doesn't work.

FOREST, JARED, and DWIGHT think of a different idea to make them come out. It doesn't work.

JODIE thinks of another way to call for help, involving hooking the emergency phone into the regular line, which is intact.

FOREST WHITAKER

Oh shit! How would we be so horribly, ludicrously, unbelievably, mind-blowingly stupid?

They cut the line.

FOREST WHITAKER

We have no idea at all who she called, but we'll assume it wasn't the police, even though we were paranoid about the police showing up earlier.

JODIE FOSTER

So it looks like you've run out of ideas.

FOREST WHITAKER

Yeah.

JODIE FOSTER

Wanna switch places? You go in the panic room and I walk around a bit?

FOREST WHITAKER

Oh, sure, whatever. I have a family.

They switch.

JODIE FOSTER

Now the panic room, that which protected me, has become the impenetrable wall, keeping me away from my daughter. How will I ever manage to infiltrate that which three addle headed, infantile criminals could not?

FOREST WHITAKER

Actually, we found the money we wanted in here. We just want to leave.

JODIE FOSTER

I don't believe you! You want to kill my daughter!

FOREST WHITAKER

Christ, we very clearly don't want to hurt you. I saved your daughters life while we were in here. I'm Forest Fucking Whitaker, haven't you seen me in anything else? I don't play anyone except the large, intimidating guy with a heart of pure gold. Now get the fuck out of my way so I can go home, you paranoid psycho bitch. I have a family!

JODIE FOSTER

You want to kill my daughter and then you want to rape me! Aieee!

AUDIENCE

Oh wow, David Fincher is the master of the surprise ending.. this is going to be great.

DIRECTOR DAVID FINCHER

Hey, anyone wanna see if I can fit the camera through Jodie's earring? I bet I can..

THE CRIMINALS try to LEAVE, but FAIL, thanks to JODIE FOSTER: WOMAN OF STEEL. FOREST WHITAKER is CAUGHT. That's all. Nothing else happens.

FADE TO:

EXT. PARK

JODIE and KRISTEN sit on a bench.

JODIE FOSTER

Life is much better now that people aren't trying to kill us.

The AUDIENCE attempts to derive the overall societal criticism of the film and extract the message. They FAIL.

AUDIENCE

Let's go watch Fight Club.

END