FADE IN:

OPENING TITLES: ORSON WELLES presents an ORSON WELLES FILM: ORSON WELLES’ "Citizen Kane," an ORSON WELLES PRODUCTION, starring ORSON WELLES.

VERY TINY PRINT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE TITLE SLATE

OK, maybe HERMAN MANKIEWICZ helped write it A LITTLE...

EXT. HEARST CASTLE XANADU MANSION

We see a light DRAMATICALLY go out that symbolizes OLD ORSON WELLES dying, even though he hasn't actually DIED yet.

The CAMERA practically goes up OLD ORSON WELLES' nose.

OLD ORSON WELLES

Bobo.

...

Wait, shit, I mean "Rosebud."

He DIES and drops a SNOWGLOBE that breaks, symbolizing HIS DEATH AGAIN. The NURSE comes in and folds his arms over his chest. The room is very, very quiet.

INT. NEWSROOM

NEWSREEL (VO)

(YELLING)

EXPOSITION NEWS!

AUDIENCE

(shits itself)

NEWSREEL (VO)

Orson Welles has died. He was the greatest newspaper tycoon of ever. He started from modest beginnings before his vast empire expanded into owning 57 newspapers, a radio network, paper mills, forests, apartments, breakfast cereals, feminine hygiene products, and Belgium. He passed in his really, really big mansion, Xanadu, named for his favorite Olivia Newton-John film.

NEWSROOM

How big WAS it?

NEWSREEL (VO)

It was even big enough to fit Orson's fat ass!

NEWSROOM

WOAH!

NEWSREEL (VO)

Orson was the son of a mere boarding house owner who struck it rich when a defaulting boarder left the deed to a worthless old gold mine. But it turned out to be full of gold! Anyway, a lot of people loved him, but also a lot hated him. He was married and divorced twice. He ran for governor, but lost when he got caught having an affair. Then his businesses lost a lot of money in the Depression, and he wasn't as big of a deal anymore. The end.

Beat.

NEWSREEL (VO)

EXPOSITION NEWS!

AUDIENCE

(wonders how much toilet paper they can stuff down their pants before it looks weird, in case this VO guy comes back)

NEWS DIRECTOR

Eh, the reel still needs something. Hey, what were his last words? "Rosebud!" William Alland, I need you to spend another two weeks finding out what that meant, because it's not like news has to be timely or anything.

INT. THE LATE GEORGE COULOURIS'S PRIVATE LIBRARY

A DOMINATRIX LIBRARIAN leads WILLIAM to a back room.

DOMINATRIX LIBRARIAN

You're very lucky that we let you read Mr. Coulouris's unpublished memoirs. You have exactly 26 minutes in which you may read chapters ten through thirteen, and may take hand-written notes only. Begin!

She cracks her WHIP and leaves. WILLIAM begins reading.

EXT. MRS. KANE'S BOARDING HOUSE

We know a remote, snowy boarding house in rural Colorado. IN July, peas grow there. KID ORSON WELLES is playing "Civil War" with snowballs.

KID ORSON WELLES

Bucky is my friend, Tony!

GEORGE COULOURIS steps out of the house with ORSON's parents, AGNES MOOREHEAD and HARRY SHANNON.

AGNES MOOREHEAD

Orson, come here. Meet this man who's going to raise you from here on out as a bank asset. That's a thing people did in the 1800s.

KID ORSON WELLES

What? No!

HARRY SHANNON

He's right, Agnes. Why shouldn't he be raised by his parents just because we've suddenly come into some money?

KID ORSON swings his SLED at GEORGE in a really odd angle that doesn't show the NAME on it.

HARRY SHANNON

Ugh, what Orson needs is a good thrashing! But we're not going to make it clear if this means I'm abusive or just an average 19th-century parent.

AGNES MOOREHEAD

What's the difference? Either way, that's exactly why I'm sending him away from you!

GEORGE COULOURIS

Wow, they make us feel a lot of sympathy for Harry and then reveal him to be abusive! Apparently the secret to being a great film is to emotionally jerk people around.

GEORGE leaves with KID ORSON.

HARRY SHANNON

Wait, you forgot YOUR SLED, symbol of your lost youth and innocence!

His SLED sits abandoned. Snow has already dramatically covered up the NAME on it. There's a scene only notable for showing KID ORSON unimpressed when GEORGE attempts to give him a NEW SLED, which symbolizes the IRREPLACABILITY of his PAST or SOMETHING SMART LIKE THAT.

INT. ORSON WELLES'S NEWSPAPER OFFICE

ORSON is now 25 and in control of HIS FORTUNE.

GEORGE COULOURIS

You were given millions in cash and assets, and all you care about is managing this struggling paper? "Galleons of Spain off Jersey coast?" Is that your idea of journalism?

ORSON WELLES

I don't know how to run a newspaper, I just try everything I can think of and it's somehow wildly successful. The same can be said of my directing.

GEORGE COULOURIS

And so you use this paper mostly to attack your own business interests, like the transit company?

ORSON WELLES

Look, there are two Charles Foster Kanes. One of them is a businessman who cares about his assets, and the other is a newspaperman who fights for the people, and definitely not because he desperately needs their approval.

GEORGE COULOURIS

Couldn't you just use your influence as a major stockholder to fix the transit company? And must you also attack MY business interests?

ORSON WELLES

Stabbing you in the back is the most fun of all! It's not like I'll ever need your help again or anything!

Decades later, the GREAT DEPRESSION forces ORSON to sell his newspaper assets to GEORGE, but only MOSTLY.

INT. THE LATE GEORGE COULOURIS'S PRIVATE LIBRARY

WILLIAM ALLAND

(slamming book shut)

Oh, bah! This doesn't have what I'm looking for!

DOMINATRIX LIBRARIAN

How dare you say such a terrible thing! Naughty!

(bowing before statue of George Coulouris)

He didn't mean it, Lord!

INT. OLD EVERETT SLOANE'S OFFICE

WILLIAM is interviewing OLD EVERETT behind his desk.

OLD EVERETT SLOANE

Yes, to really confuse people, I'll make my part of Orson's story begin right in the middle of the story we just heard.

INT. SOMEWHERE IN THE ENQUIRER HEADQUARTERS

We cut back to when ORSON first took over the NEW YORK ENQUIRER. With help from EVERETT and JOSEPH COTTEN he runs it with the work ethic of TIM COOK, the journalistic integrity of the DAILY MAIL, the undue confidence of ELON MUSK running TWITTER, and the competency of LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE running TWITTER.

ORSON WELLES

(to manager)

That woman's missing? Imply her husband murdered her.

He turns to EVERETT.

ORSON WELLES

We need to start off by printing a Declaration of Principles! Only the finest journalistic standards for the Enquirer!

EVERETT SLOANE

Dibs on that declaration when you're done printing it!

We see a MONTAGE of the Enquirer growing from a struggling, stuffy old daily to a bustling TRASH TABLOID. ORSON gradually hires away the top REPORTERS from rival papers.

ORSON WELLES

It's an honor to be in the presence of such incisive and brilliant minds! I promise you'll all enjoy maximum journalistic freedom, which you'd never get from those OTHER news barons. Not that I'm naming... ah, fuck it, let's name names.

BANDLEADER AND CAN-CAN GIRLS

(to tune of "Charlie Kane")

There was a guy

An awful guy

Who couldn't kill this epic film

Although he surely tried

With threats to sue

And blackmail too

Took to raging in his pages

Banning all reviews

He even paid

To have it blazed

No matter what, the final cut

Came out and earned its raves

We'd lightly tread

He'd have our heads

But we don't need to fear his screeds

Because he's long since dead!

What was his name?

His name was Hearst!

Now we can safely say

"Screw William Randolph Hearst!"

INT. OLD EVERETT SLOANE'S OFFICE

OLD EVERETT SLOANE

Anyway, then he came back and told us he was marrying the President's niece, Ruth Warrick. I kept working for him for decades and stayed friends with him beyond that, but I'm going to end my story here for some reason. You should go talk to Joseph Cotten for the rest.

EXT. HOSPITAL COURTYARD

WILLIAM meets with OLD JOSEPH COTTEN, who is clearly about 35 YEARS OLD with a WHITE MOUSTACHE glued on his face.

OLD JOSEPH COTTEN

Ramble, ramble. I'm so old! Orson Welles was a really unpleasant man, and so was Charlie Kane. I was the closest thing he ever had to a real friend. He even ran for office because he needed all of the voters to love him, too. But lemme tell you about his first marriage, ramble...

INT. ORSON AND RUTH'S HOUSE

ORSON and RUTH eat BREAKFAST together.

RUTH WARRICK

(wearing a negligee)

That was some delightful intercourse we had last night, wasn't it, Orsie?

ORSON WELLES

It certainly was, my dear. In fact, it was so delightful I believe we should have it this afternoon as well.

RUTH WARRICK

This afternoon? Don't you have to oversee the most intelligent and necessary news coverage in the country?

ORSON WELLES

Nothing's more necessary than your pleasure, darling.

FRENCH VO GUY FROM SPONGEBOB

Three months lay-tair...

RUTH WARRICK

(wearing a tank top and sweatpants)

Orsie, I know it's not my place to criticize, but I'm not sure "Democrats Do Creepy Shit with Kids in Pizza Restaurant Basements: Sources" is a very wise lead story.

ORSON WELLES

Ruth, leave these things to my care. I assure you I have the firmest reliance on that guy from Parler or Telegram or whatever everyone who got banned from Facebook uses now.

FRENCH VO GUY FROM SPONGEBOB

Two weeks lay-tair...

RUTH WARRICK

(wearing a parka and ski pants)

Orson, did you seriously think it was a good idea to run an AI-generated photo of Joe Biden fucking RBG's corpse?

ORSON WELLES

Hey, that shit BLEW UP.

FRENCH VO GUY FROM SPONGEBOB

One day lay-tair...

RUTH WARRICK

(wearing a hazmat suit)

By the way, if any copies of the Washington Post arrive, they're for me.

ORSON WELLES

Yeah, fuck you too.

EXT. DOROTHY COMINGORE'S APARTMENT BUILDING

A passing CAR splashes MUD all over ORSON'S JACKET.

ORSON WELLES

Ugh, I was finally about to go across town to get SOMETHING FROM MY CHILDHOOD out of storage, and now this happens!

DOROTHY COMINGORE

Oh my, would you like to come up to my place to...clean up a bit?

They go up to her apartment. ORSON attempts to close the door behind him.

DOROTHY COMINGORE

Hey, leave that thing open! What kinda girl do you think I am?

ORSON WELLES

One that will have an affair with a rich and powerful man like me?

DOROTHY COMINGORE

Well, maybe. I'm just a poor singer...

ORSON WELLES

I'm running for governor against a crooked political boss desperate to smear my name. It's the perfect time to have an affair!

They DO. The MUD symbolizes what he's doing to his REPUTATION if you DON'T THINK ABOUT IT TOO HARD.

INT. CAMPAIGN RALLY

ORSON speaks in front of a REALLY BIG CROWD.

ORSON WELLES

I make no campaign promises other than to lock up my opponent, Ray Collins!

The crowd CHEERS. His son, SONNY BUPP, watches with RUTH WARRICK from the balcony.

SONNY BUPP

Is Pop governor yet?

RUTH WARRICK

No, but it's pretty much in the bag. Also, you're like eight. How can you not grasp that the election hasn't happened yet?

A CREEPER hands RUTH a NOTE telling her to go to DOROTHY'S APARTMENT.

INT. DOROTHY COMINGORE'S APARTMENT

RUTH and ORSON walk up the stairs. DOROTHY appears in the doorway with RAY COLLINS behind her.

DOROTHY COMINGORE

Orson!

ORSON WELLES

Whelp, there goes any plan I had to play this off like I don't know you.

RAY COLLINS

Maybe you shouldn't have printed a cartoon of me in a convict suit for my family to see.

ORSON WELLES

That's ridiculous! No one would ever take such a lazy, cheap shot in American politics!

RAY COLLINS

William Randolph Hearst really did that to Charles Murphy. Anyway, I'll give you an out. Drop out of the race and I won't run the story on you and Dorothy.

ORSON WELLES

Never! I'll die before I let you blackmail me!

RUTH WARRICK

Orson! Think of our son! Think of anything other than winning the adoration of the voters!

ORSON WELLES

(stamps feet)

NO! I'LL WIN ANYWAY, AND I'LL HAVE YOU LOCKED UP, RAY, YOU...POOP-HEAD! PHOOEY!

ORSON LOSES. His papers carry headlines about VOTER FRAUD, which work about as well as they ALWAYS DO. RUTH and SONNY are killed in an off-screen CAR ACCIDENT, probably to satisfy HAYS CODE feelings on REMARRYING. A potentially great storyline on GROWNUP SONNY'S DADDY ISSUES dies with him.

EXT. WEDDING CHAPEL

ORSON has just married DOROTHY. He talks to a reporter as his CARRIAGE leaves.

ORSON WELLES

I'll make her a real opera singer, and definitely not just to add legitimacy to my choosing her over Ruth! I'll build a whole opera house if I can't get the Metropolitan to take her!

He DOES.

INT. ORSON WELLES OPERA HOUSE

DOROTHY warms up for opening night.

VOICE COACH

Ugh, you SUCK! But moving the plot along is more important than anything else, so we didn't delay the opening.

CURTAIN

(rises)

DOROTHY COMINGORE

(to tune of "Habanera")

I don't know what I'm doing here

Opera's not what I hoped to sing

Orson made me take this career

Even he knows this ain't my thing

No, I'd do big band or I'd do rap

I'd do country or jazz or blues

But my vibrato is total crap

Just end my agony, bring the boos!

There is an EPIC PAN up to the RAFTERS that looks very EXPENSIVE. Two STAGEHANDS are holding their noses.

STAGEHAND 1

UGH! She's TERRIBLE! She's clearly an alto singer trying to sing a soprano part!

STAGEHAND 2

I know! And she clearly missed the trill on that third crescendo. Such a hack!

WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST

I'd let you smear the name of me, my papers, and my wife, but how DARE you make fun of my MISTRESS! I'll have your head for this, Welles! I'll pay theaters to NOT run your film! I'll have people booing it at the Oscars!

DIRECTOR ORSON WELLES

Wait, you think that Dorothy is based on Marion Davies?

STAGEHAND 1

Where did these people come from?

INT. JOSEPH COTTEN'S OFFICE

JOSEPH sits at his typewriter, drunk on WINE SOLD BEFORE ITS TIME. He attempts to type something NICE about DOROTHY'S debut, but finds that his FINGERS won't COMPLY.

JOSEPH COTTEN

I...physically...cannot...write a good review of that!

He PASSES OUT. ORSON enters and reads the three sentences of a NEGATIVE review that have been typed so far.

ORSON WELLES

Ha! This is pretty great.

JOSEPH awakes to the sound of typing.

ORSON WELLES

I'm finishing your review for you, Joseph. I'll take it in exactly the direction you were going. I'm so ethical!

JOSEPH COTTEN

Huh? Thanks, I guess.

ORSON WELLES

Also, you're fired.

JOSEPH COTTEN

D'oh!

INT. OLDER DOROTHY COMINGORE'S NIGHTCLUB

The film REUSES an EPIC SKYLIGHT-ENTRY SHOT from an earlier scene, which symbolizes how REDUNDANT the next scene will be. OLDER DOROTHY is being interviewed by WILLIAM.

OLDER DOROTHY COMINGORE

I never wanted to be an opera singer, that was all Orson's idea. He'd pay $100 an hour for lessons I didn't want. Let's awkwardly jump into the middle of the last person's story again.

INT. ORSON WELLES OPERA HOUSE

It's OPENING NIGHT again. We see a lot of the EXACT SAME SHOTS AS LAST TIME. Halfway through the performance, JOSEPH is making ORIGAMI out of his PROGRAM.

DOROTHY COMINGORE

(singing)

...my agony, bring the boos!

AUDIENCE MEMBER SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ORSON

Ugh, she just sang an E-flat instead of an E! And she mispronounced an obscure Italian word!

DOROTHY finishes. ORSON is seen doing that overly-deliberate CLAP that was a MEME for a while. JOSEPH has created a FULL-LENGTH PUPPET SHOW with his program, which symbolizes BOREDOM. DOROTHY is BURIED ALIVE under 200 POUNDS OF FLOWERS.

INT. HOTEL ROOM

DOROTHY has BURIED HERSELF under 200 POUNDS OF NEWSPAPERS with BAD REVIEWS of her performance.

DOROTHY COMINGORE

You let Joseph write a bad review of my singing? And then you gave him $25,000 when you fired him? What the hell?

DELIVERY BOY

Candygram for Orson.

ORSON WELLES

Orson like candy!

He OPENS IT. It's actually his DECLARATION of PRINCIPLES, partially ripped to SHREDS and sent by JOSEPH.

DELIVERY BOY

OOH, BURN!

DOROTHY COMINGORE

I never wanted to do opera anyway! Let me quit!

ORSON WELLES

ROFL.

We see a MONTAGE of her touring the COUNTRY, singing OUT OF RANGE, and getting RAVE REVIEWS from WELLES-OWNED PAPERS. It ends with a STAGE LIGHT symbolically burning out, one of many TECHNICAL THINGS that make this FILM great but mostly don't belong in an ABRIDGED SCRIPT. DOROTHY is finally allowed to quit after a SUICIDE ATTEMPT.

INT. VAST, EMPTY ROOM

DOROTHY works on a JIGSAW PUZZLE.

ORSON WELLES

I thought we might have a picnic, Dorothy.

DOROTHY COMINGORE

This sucks! Any more time spent in isolated luxury and I could be Princess of Wales.

ORSON WELLES

I thought we might have a picnic, Dorothy.

EXT. THE EVERGLADES

ORSON is hosting something just shy of a MAJOR MUSIC FESTIVAL for all his HANGERS-ON. A PTERODACTYL flies past in the background, because it's RECYCLED FOOTAGE from a KING KONG MOVIE. It looks very FAKE, which symbolizes his FRIENDSHIPS and MARRIAGE. Then DOROTHY and ORSON fight in their TENT.

DOROTHY COMINGORE

You never gave me anything real in your entire life! You just try to buy my love!

The BAND outside sings "It Can't Be Love," which is too on the nose to symbolize ANYTHING.

ORSON WELLES

The people outside can hear you, Dorothy.

DOROTHY COMINGORE

I don't care! And the ending the studio wanted for "The Magnificent Ambersons" was better!

ORSON slaps DOROTHY. She leaves him.

INT. DOROTHY COMINGORE'S NIGHTCLUB

OLDER DOROTHY

...and he's lived alone ever since, because there's absolutely no one that would be happy with material possessions alone.

WILLIAM ALLAND

Whelp, I need to be off to check out Xanadu. We also run a picture magazine that's never been mentioned before.

OLDER DOROTHY

Be sure to talk to Paul Stewart, the butler.

We see the same EPIC SKYLIGHT SHOT yet again, but in reverse. This symbolizes the DESIRE TO RETURN TO THE PAST.

INT. XANADU

WILLIAM interviews PAUL as WORKERS sort through ORSON'S heaps of STATUES, SENTIMENTAL JUNK FROM HIS PAST, and FUNKO POP DOLLS.

PAUL STEWART

Yes, I'll tell you what Rosebud is for $1,000.

WILLIAM ALLAND

I have no journalistic ethics, so sure!

PAUL STEWART

OK, we're going to pick up exactly where we left off for once...

EXT. XANADU

A COCKATIEL screeches right in front of the camera, causing the AUDIENCE to shit itself yet again. DOROTHY struts out the front door, right past PAUL, who peers back inside.

ORSON WELLES

I'm fine! I don't need you.

He picks up a SUITCASE from their trip and throws it.

ORSON WELLES

And I don't need this, either! And I don't need these other suitcases, or this bedspread, or this table, or this lamp, the wrist I just gashed on it, this ashtray, this paddle game, this magazine, or this chair!

He TRASHES the bedroom harder than HEARST NEWSPAPERS trashed this MOVIE before figuring out the STREISAND EFFECT. He comes along the SNOWGLOBE from the OPENING SCENE.

ORSON WELLES

Rosebud.

THE ENTIRE HOUSE STAFF has gathered outside his room. ORSON'S "K" necklace is BACKWARDS, which symbolizes THE DECLINE OF THE KARDASHIANS.

ORSON WELLES

Rosebud. Rosebud, rosebud, rosebud. Rosebud? Rose-bud. Rosebud!

He wanders away in a DAZE.

INT. XANADU- MODERN DAY

WILLIAM ALLAND

That's all you know? Eh, forget it. It'll just have to remain one of those great mysteries. What is Rosebud? Who is Luke Skywalker's father? What is the secret of Soylent Green? No one will ever know.

He pokes at a JIGSAW PUZZLE that was apparently left behind by DOROTHY all those years ago and definitely symbolizes SOMETHING.

WILLIAM ALLAND

I can't see a single word explaining who he was, anyway. It would have just been a single piece of the jigsaw puzzle that was Orson Welles.

AHA, CONFIRMED! HE and all the PHOTOGRAPHERS leave. PAUL turns to the WORKERS.

PAUL STEWART

Throw THAT JUNK in the furnace as well.

A WORKER throws a SLED in the FURNACE while looking right at the NAME on it...ROSEBUD. That's right, he really missed his childhood with his ABUSIVE FATHER and ICE QUEEN MOTHER!

WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST

HOW DARE YOU END MY STORY LIKE THIS, WELLES! I'LL CRUSH THIS FILM LIKE A BUG!

The OBITUARY for HEARST'S SON in 2000 is titled "LAST SON OF 'CITIZEN KANE' DIES." This symbolizes the RESURGENCE OF DISCO.

END