The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
OPENING TITLES: ORSON WELLES presents an ORSON WELLES FILM: ORSON WELLES’ "Citizen Kane," an ORSON WELLES PRODUCTION, starring ORSON WELLES.
VERY TINY PRINT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE TITLE SLATE
OK, maybe HERMAN MANKIEWICZ helped write it A LITTLE...
EXT. HEARST CASTLE XANADU MANSION
We see a light DRAMATICALLY go out that symbolizes OLD ORSON WELLES dying, even though he hasn't actually DIED yet.
The CAMERA practically goes up OLD ORSON WELLES' nose.
OLD ORSON WELLES
Bobo.
...
Wait, shit, I mean "Rosebud."
He DIES and drops a SNOWGLOBE that breaks, symbolizing HIS DEATH AGAIN. The NURSE comes in and folds his arms over his chest. The room is very, very quiet.
INT. NEWSROOM
NEWSREEL (VO)
(YELLING)
EXPOSITION NEWS!
AUDIENCE
(shits itself)
NEWSREEL (VO)
Orson Welles has died. He was the greatest newspaper tycoon of ever. He started from modest beginnings before his vast empire expanded into owning 57 newspapers, a radio network, paper mills, forests, apartments, breakfast cereals, feminine hygiene products, and Belgium. He passed in his really, really big mansion, Xanadu, named for his favorite Olivia Newton-John film.
NEWSROOM
How big WAS it?
NEWSREEL (VO)
It was even big enough to fit Orson's fat ass!
NEWSROOM
WOAH!
NEWSREEL (VO)
Orson was the son of a mere boarding house owner who struck it rich when a defaulting boarder left the deed to a worthless old gold mine. But it turned out to be full of gold! Anyway, a lot of people loved him, but also a lot hated him. He was married and divorced twice. He ran for governor, but lost when he got caught having an affair. Then his businesses lost a lot of money in the Depression, and he wasn't as big of a deal anymore. The end.
Beat.
NEWSREEL (VO)
EXPOSITION NEWS!
AUDIENCE
(wonders how much toilet paper they can stuff down their pants before it looks weird, in case this VO guy comes back)
NEWS DIRECTOR
Eh, the reel still needs something. Hey, what were his last words? "Rosebud!" William Alland, I need you to spend another two weeks finding out what that meant, because it's not like news has to be timely or anything.
INT. THE LATE GEORGE COULOURIS'S PRIVATE LIBRARY
A DOMINATRIX LIBRARIAN leads WILLIAM to a back room.
DOMINATRIX LIBRARIAN
You're very lucky that we let you read Mr. Coulouris's unpublished memoirs. You have exactly 26 minutes in which you may read chapters ten through thirteen, and may take hand-written notes only. Begin!
She cracks her WHIP and leaves. WILLIAM begins reading.
EXT. MRS. KANE'S BOARDING HOUSE
We know a remote, snowy boarding house in rural Colorado. IN July, peas grow there. KID ORSON WELLES is playing "Civil War" with snowballs.
KID ORSON WELLES
Bucky is my friend, Tony!
GEORGE COULOURIS steps out of the house with ORSON's parents, AGNES MOOREHEAD and HARRY SHANNON.
AGNES MOOREHEAD
Orson, come here. Meet this man who's going to raise you from here on out as a bank asset. That's a thing people did in the 1800s.
KID ORSON WELLES
What? No!
HARRY SHANNON
He's right, Agnes. Why shouldn't he be raised by his parents just because we've suddenly come into some money?
KID ORSON swings his SLED at GEORGE in a really odd angle that doesn't show the NAME on it.
HARRY SHANNON
Ugh, what Orson needs is a good thrashing! But we're not going to make it clear if this means I'm abusive or just an average 19th-century parent.
AGNES MOOREHEAD
What's the difference? Either way, that's exactly why I'm sending him away from you!
GEORGE COULOURIS
Wow, they make us feel a lot of sympathy for Harry and then reveal him to be abusive! Apparently the secret to being a great film is to emotionally jerk people around.
GEORGE leaves with KID ORSON.
HARRY SHANNON
Wait, you forgot YOUR SLED, symbol of your lost youth and innocence!
His SLED sits abandoned. Snow has already dramatically covered up the NAME on it. There's a scene only notable for showing KID ORSON unimpressed when GEORGE attempts to give him a NEW SLED, which symbolizes the IRREPLACABILITY of his PAST or SOMETHING SMART LIKE THAT.
INT. ORSON WELLES'S NEWSPAPER OFFICE
ORSON is now 25 and in control of HIS FORTUNE.
GEORGE COULOURIS
You were given millions in cash and assets, and all you care about is managing this struggling paper? "Galleons of Spain off Jersey coast?" Is that your idea of journalism?
ORSON WELLES
I don't know how to run a newspaper, I just try everything I can think of and it's somehow wildly successful. The same can be said of my directing.
GEORGE COULOURIS
And so you use this paper mostly to attack your own business interests, like the transit company?
ORSON WELLES
Look, there are two Charles Foster Kanes. One of them is a businessman who cares about his assets, and the other is a newspaperman who fights for the people, and definitely not because he desperately needs their approval.
GEORGE COULOURIS
Couldn't you just use your influence as a major stockholder to fix the transit company? And must you also attack MY business interests?
ORSON WELLES
Stabbing you in the back is the most fun of all! It's not like I'll ever need your help again or anything!
Decades later, the GREAT DEPRESSION forces ORSON to sell his newspaper assets to GEORGE, but only MOSTLY.
INT. THE LATE GEORGE COULOURIS'S PRIVATE LIBRARY
WILLIAM ALLAND
(slamming book shut)
Oh, bah! This doesn't have what I'm looking for!
DOMINATRIX LIBRARIAN
How dare you say such a terrible thing! Naughty!
(bowing before statue of George Coulouris)
He didn't mean it, Lord!
INT. OLD EVERETT SLOANE'S OFFICE
WILLIAM is interviewing OLD EVERETT behind his desk.
OLD EVERETT SLOANE
Yes, to really confuse people, I'll make my part of Orson's story begin right in the middle of the story we just heard.
INT. SOMEWHERE IN THE ENQUIRER HEADQUARTERS
We cut back to when ORSON first took over the NEW YORK ENQUIRER. With help from EVERETT and JOSEPH COTTEN he runs it with the work ethic of TIM COOK, the journalistic integrity of the DAILY MAIL, the undue confidence of ELON MUSK running TWITTER, and the competency of LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE running TWITTER.
ORSON WELLES
(to manager)
That woman's missing? Imply her husband murdered her.
He turns to EVERETT.
ORSON WELLES
We need to start off by printing a Declaration of Principles! Only the finest journalistic standards for the Enquirer!
EVERETT SLOANE
Dibs on that declaration when you're done printing it!
We see a MONTAGE of the Enquirer growing from a struggling, stuffy old daily to a bustling TRASH TABLOID. ORSON gradually hires away the top REPORTERS from rival papers.
ORSON WELLES
It's an honor to be in the presence of such incisive and brilliant minds! I promise you'll all enjoy maximum journalistic freedom, which you'd never get from those OTHER news barons. Not that I'm naming... ah, fuck it, let's name names.
BANDLEADER AND CAN-CAN GIRLS
(to tune of "Charlie Kane")
There was a guy
An awful guy
Who couldn't kill this epic film
Although he surely tried
With threats to sue
And blackmail too
Took to raging in his pages
Banning all reviews
He even paid
To have it blazed
No matter what, the final cut
Came out and earned its raves
We'd lightly tread
He'd have our heads
But we don't need to fear his screeds
Because he's long since dead!
What was his name?
His name was Hearst!
Now we can safely say
"Screw William Randolph Hearst!"
INT. OLD EVERETT SLOANE'S OFFICE
OLD EVERETT SLOANE
Anyway, then he came back and told us he was marrying the President's niece, Ruth Warrick. I kept working for him for decades and stayed friends with him beyond that, but I'm going to end my story here for some reason. You should go talk to Joseph Cotten for the rest.
EXT. HOSPITAL COURTYARD
WILLIAM meets with OLD JOSEPH COTTEN, who is clearly about 35 YEARS OLD with a WHITE MOUSTACHE glued on his face.
OLD JOSEPH COTTEN
Ramble, ramble. I'm so old! Orson Welles was a really unpleasant man, and so was Charlie Kane. I was the closest thing he ever had to a real friend. He even ran for office because he needed all of the voters to love him, too. But lemme tell you about his first marriage, ramble...
INT. ORSON AND RUTH'S HOUSE
ORSON and RUTH eat BREAKFAST together.
RUTH WARRICK
(wearing a negligee)
That was some delightful intercourse we had last night, wasn't it, Orsie?
ORSON WELLES
It certainly was, my dear. In fact, it was so delightful I believe we should have it this afternoon as well.
RUTH WARRICK
This afternoon? Don't you have to oversee the most intelligent and necessary news coverage in the country?
ORSON WELLES
Nothing's more necessary than your pleasure, darling.
FRENCH VO GUY FROM SPONGEBOB
Three months lay-tair...
RUTH WARRICK
(wearing a tank top and sweatpants)
Orsie, I know it's not my place to criticize, but I'm not sure "Democrats Do Creepy Shit with Kids in Pizza Restaurant Basements: Sources" is a very wise lead story.
ORSON WELLES
Ruth, leave these things to my care. I assure you I have the firmest reliance on that guy from Parler or Telegram or whatever everyone who got banned from Facebook uses now.
FRENCH VO GUY FROM SPONGEBOB
Two weeks lay-tair...
RUTH WARRICK
(wearing a parka and ski pants)
Orson, did you seriously think it was a good idea to run an AI-generated photo of Joe Biden fucking RBG's corpse?
ORSON WELLES
Hey, that shit BLEW UP.
FRENCH VO GUY FROM SPONGEBOB
One day lay-tair...
RUTH WARRICK
(wearing a hazmat suit)
By the way, if any copies of the Washington Post arrive, they're for me.
ORSON WELLES
Yeah, fuck you too.
EXT. DOROTHY COMINGORE'S APARTMENT BUILDING
A passing CAR splashes MUD all over ORSON'S JACKET.
ORSON WELLES
Ugh, I was finally about to go across town to get SOMETHING FROM MY CHILDHOOD out of storage, and now this happens!
DOROTHY COMINGORE
Oh my, would you like to come up to my place to...clean up a bit?
They go up to her apartment. ORSON attempts to close the door behind him.
DOROTHY COMINGORE
Hey, leave that thing open! What kinda girl do you think I am?
ORSON WELLES
One that will have an affair with a rich and powerful man like me?
DOROTHY COMINGORE
Well, maybe. I'm just a poor singer...
ORSON WELLES
I'm running for governor against a crooked political boss desperate to smear my name. It's the perfect time to have an affair!
They DO. The MUD symbolizes what he's doing to his REPUTATION if you DON'T THINK ABOUT IT TOO HARD.
INT. CAMPAIGN RALLY
ORSON speaks in front of a REALLY BIG CROWD.
ORSON WELLES
I make no campaign promises other than to lock up my opponent, Ray Collins!
The crowd CHEERS. His son, SONNY BUPP, watches with RUTH WARRICK from the balcony.
SONNY BUPP
Is Pop governor yet?
RUTH WARRICK
No, but it's pretty much in the bag. Also, you're like eight. How can you not grasp that the election hasn't happened yet?
A CREEPER hands RUTH a NOTE telling her to go to DOROTHY'S APARTMENT.
INT. DOROTHY COMINGORE'S APARTMENT
RUTH and ORSON walk up the stairs. DOROTHY appears in the doorway with RAY COLLINS behind her.
DOROTHY COMINGORE
Orson!
ORSON WELLES
Whelp, there goes any plan I had to play this off like I don't know you.
RAY COLLINS
Maybe you shouldn't have printed a cartoon of me in a convict suit for my family to see.
ORSON WELLES
That's ridiculous! No one would ever take such a lazy, cheap shot in American politics!
RAY COLLINS
William Randolph Hearst really did that to Charles Murphy. Anyway, I'll give you an out. Drop out of the race and I won't run the story on you and Dorothy.
ORSON WELLES
Never! I'll die before I let you blackmail me!
RUTH WARRICK
Orson! Think of our son! Think of anything other than winning the adoration of the voters!
ORSON WELLES
(stamps feet)
NO! I'LL WIN ANYWAY, AND I'LL HAVE YOU LOCKED UP, RAY, YOU...POOP-HEAD! PHOOEY!
ORSON LOSES. His papers carry headlines about VOTER FRAUD, which work about as well as they ALWAYS DO. RUTH and SONNY are killed in an off-screen CAR ACCIDENT, probably to satisfy HAYS CODE feelings on REMARRYING. A potentially great storyline on GROWNUP SONNY'S DADDY ISSUES dies with him.
EXT. WEDDING CHAPEL
ORSON has just married DOROTHY. He talks to a reporter as his CARRIAGE leaves.
ORSON WELLES
I'll make her a real opera singer, and definitely not just to add legitimacy to my choosing her over Ruth! I'll build a whole opera house if I can't get the Metropolitan to take her!
He DOES.
INT. ORSON WELLES OPERA HOUSE
DOROTHY warms up for opening night.
VOICE COACH
Ugh, you SUCK! But moving the plot along is more important than anything else, so we didn't delay the opening.
CURTAIN
(rises)
DOROTHY COMINGORE
(to tune of "Habanera")
I don't know what I'm doing here
Opera's not what I hoped to sing
Orson made me take this career
Even he knows this ain't my thing
No, I'd do big band or I'd do rap
I'd do country or jazz or blues
But my vibrato is total crap
Just end my agony, bring the boos!
There is an EPIC PAN up to the RAFTERS that looks very EXPENSIVE. Two STAGEHANDS are holding their noses.
STAGEHAND 1
UGH! She's TERRIBLE! She's clearly an alto singer trying to sing a soprano part!
STAGEHAND 2
I know! And she clearly missed the trill on that third crescendo. Such a hack!
WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST
I'd let you smear the name of me, my papers, and my wife, but how DARE you make fun of my MISTRESS! I'll have your head for this, Welles! I'll pay theaters to NOT run your film! I'll have people booing it at the Oscars!
DIRECTOR ORSON WELLES
Wait, you think that Dorothy is based on Marion Davies?
STAGEHAND 1
Where did these people come from?
INT. JOSEPH COTTEN'S OFFICE
JOSEPH sits at his typewriter, drunk on WINE SOLD BEFORE ITS TIME. He attempts to type something NICE about DOROTHY'S debut, but finds that his FINGERS won't COMPLY.
JOSEPH COTTEN
I...physically...cannot...write a good review of that!
He PASSES OUT. ORSON enters and reads the three sentences of a NEGATIVE review that have been typed so far.
ORSON WELLES
Ha! This is pretty great.
JOSEPH awakes to the sound of typing.
ORSON WELLES
I'm finishing your review for you, Joseph. I'll take it in exactly the direction you were going. I'm so ethical!
JOSEPH COTTEN
Huh? Thanks, I guess.
ORSON WELLES
Also, you're fired.
JOSEPH COTTEN
D'oh!
INT. OLDER DOROTHY COMINGORE'S NIGHTCLUB
The film REUSES an EPIC SKYLIGHT-ENTRY SHOT from an earlier scene, which symbolizes how REDUNDANT the next scene will be. OLDER DOROTHY is being interviewed by WILLIAM.
OLDER DOROTHY COMINGORE
I never wanted to be an opera singer, that was all Orson's idea. He'd pay $100 an hour for lessons I didn't want. Let's awkwardly jump into the middle of the last person's story again.
INT. ORSON WELLES OPERA HOUSE
It's OPENING NIGHT again. We see a lot of the EXACT SAME SHOTS AS LAST TIME. Halfway through the performance, JOSEPH is making ORIGAMI out of his PROGRAM.
DOROTHY COMINGORE
(singing)
...my agony, bring the boos!
AUDIENCE MEMBER SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ORSON
Ugh, she just sang an E-flat instead of an E! And she mispronounced an obscure Italian word!
DOROTHY finishes. ORSON is seen doing that overly-deliberate CLAP that was a MEME for a while. JOSEPH has created a FULL-LENGTH PUPPET SHOW with his program, which symbolizes BOREDOM. DOROTHY is BURIED ALIVE under 200 POUNDS OF FLOWERS.
INT. HOTEL ROOM
DOROTHY has BURIED HERSELF under 200 POUNDS OF NEWSPAPERS with BAD REVIEWS of her performance.
DOROTHY COMINGORE
You let Joseph write a bad review of my singing? And then you gave him $25,000 when you fired him? What the hell?
DELIVERY BOY
Candygram for Orson.
ORSON WELLES
Orson like candy!
He OPENS IT. It's actually his DECLARATION of PRINCIPLES, partially ripped to SHREDS and sent by JOSEPH.
DELIVERY BOY
OOH, BURN!
DOROTHY COMINGORE
I never wanted to do opera anyway! Let me quit!
ORSON WELLES
ROFL.
We see a MONTAGE of her touring the COUNTRY, singing OUT OF RANGE, and getting RAVE REVIEWS from WELLES-OWNED PAPERS. It ends with a STAGE LIGHT symbolically burning out, one of many TECHNICAL THINGS that make this FILM great but mostly don't belong in an ABRIDGED SCRIPT. DOROTHY is finally allowed to quit after a SUICIDE ATTEMPT.
INT. VAST, EMPTY ROOM
DOROTHY works on a JIGSAW PUZZLE.
ORSON WELLES
I thought we might have a picnic, Dorothy.
DOROTHY COMINGORE
This sucks! Any more time spent in isolated luxury and I could be Princess of Wales.
ORSON WELLES
I thought we might have a picnic, Dorothy.
EXT. THE EVERGLADES
ORSON is hosting something just shy of a MAJOR MUSIC FESTIVAL for all his HANGERS-ON. A PTERODACTYL flies past in the background, because it's RECYCLED FOOTAGE from a KING KONG MOVIE. It looks very FAKE, which symbolizes his FRIENDSHIPS and MARRIAGE. Then DOROTHY and ORSON fight in their TENT.
DOROTHY COMINGORE
You never gave me anything real in your entire life! You just try to buy my love!
The BAND outside sings "It Can't Be Love," which is too on the nose to symbolize ANYTHING.
ORSON WELLES
The people outside can hear you, Dorothy.
DOROTHY COMINGORE
I don't care! And the ending the studio wanted for "The Magnificent Ambersons" was better!
ORSON slaps DOROTHY. She leaves him.
INT. DOROTHY COMINGORE'S NIGHTCLUB
OLDER DOROTHY
...and he's lived alone ever since, because there's absolutely no one that would be happy with material possessions alone.
WILLIAM ALLAND
Whelp, I need to be off to check out Xanadu. We also run a picture magazine that's never been mentioned before.
OLDER DOROTHY
Be sure to talk to Paul Stewart, the butler.
We see the same EPIC SKYLIGHT SHOT yet again, but in reverse. This symbolizes the DESIRE TO RETURN TO THE PAST.
INT. XANADU
WILLIAM interviews PAUL as WORKERS sort through ORSON'S heaps of STATUES, SENTIMENTAL JUNK FROM HIS PAST, and FUNKO POP DOLLS.
PAUL STEWART
Yes, I'll tell you what Rosebud is for $1,000.
WILLIAM ALLAND
I have no journalistic ethics, so sure!
PAUL STEWART
OK, we're going to pick up exactly where we left off for once...
EXT. XANADU
A COCKATIEL screeches right in front of the camera, causing the AUDIENCE to shit itself yet again. DOROTHY struts out the front door, right past PAUL, who peers back inside.
ORSON WELLES
I'm fine! I don't need you.
He picks up a SUITCASE from their trip and throws it.
ORSON WELLES
And I don't need this, either! And I don't need these other suitcases, or this bedspread, or this table, or this lamp, the wrist I just gashed on it, this ashtray, this paddle game, this magazine, or this chair!
He TRASHES the bedroom harder than HEARST NEWSPAPERS trashed this MOVIE before figuring out the STREISAND EFFECT. He comes along the SNOWGLOBE from the OPENING SCENE.
ORSON WELLES
Rosebud.
THE ENTIRE HOUSE STAFF has gathered outside his room. ORSON'S "K" necklace is BACKWARDS, which symbolizes THE DECLINE OF THE KARDASHIANS.
ORSON WELLES
Rosebud. Rosebud, rosebud, rosebud. Rosebud? Rose-bud. Rosebud!
He wanders away in a DAZE.
INT. XANADU- MODERN DAY
WILLIAM ALLAND
That's all you know? Eh, forget it. It'll just have to remain one of those great mysteries. What is Rosebud? Who is Luke Skywalker's father? What is the secret of Soylent Green? No one will ever know.
He pokes at a JIGSAW PUZZLE that was apparently left behind by DOROTHY all those years ago and definitely symbolizes SOMETHING.
WILLIAM ALLAND
I can't see a single word explaining who he was, anyway. It would have just been a single piece of the jigsaw puzzle that was Orson Welles.
AHA, CONFIRMED! HE and all the PHOTOGRAPHERS leave. PAUL turns to the WORKERS.
PAUL STEWART
Throw THAT JUNK in the furnace as well.
A WORKER throws a SLED in the FURNACE while looking right at the NAME on it...ROSEBUD. That's right, he really missed his childhood with his ABUSIVE FATHER and ICE QUEEN MOTHER!
WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST
HOW DARE YOU END MY STORY LIKE THIS, WELLES! I'LL CRUSH THIS FILM LIKE A BUG!
The OBITUARY for HEARST'S SON in 2000 is titled "LAST SON OF 'CITIZEN KANE' DIES." This symbolizes the RESURGENCE OF DISCO.
END