FADE IN:

EXT. BOSTON

ALIEN COPS GHOST COPS TOMMY LEE JONES JEFF BRIDGES and his rookie partner WILL SMITH RYAN REYNOLDS are chasing a cartoon version of FAT BASTARD who has SPIDER-MAN POWERS?

AUDIENCE

Cool, they’re jumping right into the action instead of wasting the first 10 minutes expositioning the plot with crappy voice over.

RYAN REYNOLDS (V.O.)

(smarmy)

Psyche! Rewind!

(pause)

Holy shit is this really my third attempt at trying to launch a comic book franchise and the fourth failed comic book movie I've been in? Feeding on the tears of disappointment from fanboys must be what keeps me looking so dapper.

INT. BOSTON - A FEW DAYS AGO

RYAN hides a GOLDEN PLOT DEVICE in his back yard and then makes out with his mandatory HOT WIFE.

STEPHANIE SZOSTAK

I actually have a name.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Like it matters. Now go away until I need something to rescue.

STEPHANIE SZOSTAK

Okey-dokey.

(vanishes)

RYAN REYNOLDS

Hey, why is my shirt still on? I feel so naked.

RYAN meets with his cop buddy KEVIN BACON who is KEVIN BACON and therefor is SHADY AS HELL.

KEVIN BACON

Yes, I am in fact a crooked cop, but so is Ryan. He stole that gold plot device during a drug bust.

RYAN REYNOLDS

On second thought I’m actually planning on turning that gold in. That’s cool with you, right?

KEVIN BACON

Uh... yeah, sure.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Really? You’re not going to turn around and kill me with good CGI or anything?

KEVIN BACON

Pfft, no way.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Phew!

KEVIN BACON

I’m going to kill you with BAD CGI instead!

RYAN REYNOLDS

Nuts.

(dies, is sucked into ghostnado)

INT. COP HEAVEN

RYAN meets his new snooty boss RIP TORN MARY-LOUISE PARKER.

MARY-LOUISE PARKER

You’re dead, Ryan. But you were good at policing so we’re offering you the chance to join the M.I.B. R.I.P.D.

RYAN REYNOLDS

(confused)

Why the fuck would I want to join the Rhode Island Police Department?

MARY-LOUISE PARKER

No, stupid. It’s the “Rest in Peace Department”.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Haha, no seriously, what’s this organization really called?

(pause)

No shit? So you’re earth’s last defense against... ghosts?

MARY-LOUISE PARKER

Yeah, but like criminal ghosts. They’re way worse. Join us and I’ll put in a good word with God so he doesn’t dropkick your ass straight to hell.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Waitwaitwaitwait a minute, what exactly did I even do that was bad enough to condemn my soul for all eternity?

MARY-LOUISE PARKER

Green Lantern, for starters.

INT. R.I.P.D.

MARY-LOUISE brings RYAN to TOON TOWN and shows him the TEST ANIMATION for all the UNFINISHED CGI GHOSTS.

MARY-LOUISE PARKER

We call them “Deados” because we blew our entire budget on shitty CGI and couldn’t afford one of those guys who thinks up creative ideas and makes words appear on the clicky electronic typing machine.

RYAN REYNOLDS

You mean a writer?

MARY-LOUISE PARKER

“Write-tor?” Yes, one of those. Oh look, here’s your new gruff older partner Rooster Cogburn.

JEFF BRIDGES

No no, it’s me Jeff. I’m just not bothering to come up with an original character because that’s, like, hard, man. Okay fine, I’ll throw in a little Yosemite Sam just for the hell of it, you dadgum varmit.

(shoots a Deado)

RYAN REYNOLDS

Holy shit, you just re-killed that badly textured cartoon character!

JEFF BRIDGES

Oh right, we have magic ghost-killing bullets that are made out of grounded up DVD copies of K-Pax. They can also kill us too for some reason.

RYAN REYNOLDS

So why are we going through the trouble of putting these ghosts in ghost jail when we could just re-dead them all and save on labor and paperwork?

JEFF BRIDGES

Apparently civil rights extends to ghosts. It gives all the lawyers in hell something to do.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Well allow me to shake your hand.

JEFF BRIDGES

No loser, you must earn my handshake.

(to camera)

This setup won’t be forgotten and is totally going to pay off in the end. Honest. Pinky swear. Wink.

He’s LYING.

EXT. RYAN’S FUNERAL - BOSTON

RYAN and JEFF return to EARTH through a VCR repair shop because FUNNY? RYAN tries to tell his wife STEPHANIE who he is, but all she sees is a stammering OLD CHINESE GUY.

JEFF BRIDGES

Oh, right, you can’t tell anyone who you really are and the living sees you as James Hong. And everyone sees your special ghost killing gun as a banana because... comedy? I don’t understand food humor, man.

RYAN REYNOLDS

So why didn’t you tell me that in the first place? What was the point of bringing me to my own funeral? To break my spirit by showing me all the great things about my old life I’ll never be able to have again?

JEFF BRIDGES

Wow, you’re not as stupid as your career choices make you look.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Two words: Tron Legacy.

JEFF BRIDGES

Whoa there, no need to get personal, slick. Now let’s go arrest some ghost perps.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Wait, if people see me as a Chinese Guy who do they see you as?

JEFF BRIDGES

A sexy blonde woman, minus my cowboy hat for some reason.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Really? But doesn’t it bother you that every guy with working eyes is going to be scooping up eyefuls of your ass?

JEFF BRIDGES

Maybe I’m into that kind of thing. Don’t judge me, man. Now pardon me while I ogle women’s ankles like the creepy old codger I am.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Ankles? What are you? Amish?

INT. ROBERT KNEPPER’S APARTMENT

JEFF BRIDGES

T-Bag, you’re a Deado.

ROBERT KNEPPER

Nuh-uh.

JEFF BRIDGES

(eats Indian food, disgustingly)

HORRIBLE CGI ROBERT KNEPPER

Okay you got me, I’m a dead guy.

RYAN REYNOLDS

The hell?!

JEFF BRIDGES

Oh, right, randomly giving a big “fuck you” to Asian cuisine forces the Deados to reveal themselves.

RYAN REYNOLDS

But isn’t that “joke” rather, ahem, tasteless?

JEFF BRIDGES

At least we’re keeping the “comedy” consistent. Now let’s show off some more CGI circa a 1996 TV movie.

HORRIBLE CGI ROBERT escapes using GHOST PARKOUR, but JEFF and RYAN catch him by demonstrating the movie's WILE E. COYOTE PHYSICS.

JEFF BRIDGES

Oh, right, we can fall off of tall buildings and get hit by buses without being hurt.

RYAN REYNOLDS

And you didn’t tell me about this ahead of time because... ?

JEFF BRIDGES

And risk having the audience understand the rules of this world? Fuck that. BTW, the only thing that can kill us are the magic ghost bullets but otherwise we’re basically invincible.

RYAN REYNOLDS

It’s a good thing the audience isn’t expecting tension or any sense of danger or else we’d be fucked. Oh look, Horrible CGI Robert has some of that special gold I hid in my backyard. This must be connected to my murder somehow!

They go to FENWAY because BOSTON, DUH. Some more UNFUNNY STUFF happens and it leads JEFF and RYAN to KEVIN BACON, who they reach in only 2 DEGREES. KEVIN digs up the strange gold RYAN stole.

JEFF BRIDGES

Holy shit, you were a crooked cop?!

RYAN REYNOLDS

You didn’t know? How else did you think I got drafted into the R.I.P.D.?

JEFF BRIDGES

Well there was that shit-awful comic book movie you did.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Jesus! Enough about Green Lantern!

JEFF BRIDGES

I was actually thinking about Blade Trinity, or maybe it was Wolverine? There are so many bad comic book movies you've been in it’s easy to lose track. Including this one.

KEVIN passes the GOLD PIECES to FAT BASTARD who transformers into HORRIBLE CGI FAT BASTARD. A CGI chase ensues. It is BORING and also TEDIOUS but mostly BORING.

If CGI were nuclear this would be fucking CHERNOBYL.

INT. R.I.P.D.

MARY-LOUISE PARKER

The pieces of gold combine to form an ancient device that will open up a ghostnado and free all of the ghost criminals we’ve arrested! And it'll summon Gozer!

RYAN REYNOLDS

So are you The Keymaster or The Gatekeeper?

MARY-LOUISE PARKER

Jeff! Ryan! You’re both off the case! Turn in your badges and guns! But feel free to go back to earth to continue investigating the case. No, seriously, ignore my orders and do whatever the fuck you want. I don’t care.

JEFF BRIDGES

Of course we will, as us 80s buddy cop cliches are wont to do.

EXT. BOSTON

RYAN stalks his wife STEPHANIE. Even though she sees him as a SENIOR CITIZEN, one touch from his old wrinkled liver-spotted hand sends shockwaves of SEXY through her.

“UNCHAINED MELODY” by the Righteous Brothers plays as RYAN and STEPHANIE make a CLAY POT together.

INT. KEVIN BACON’S HOUSE

RYAN REYNOLDS

Kevin! You’re the main Deado!

KEVIN BACON

Yes! And I will demonstrate this by pointlessly splitting my rented house in half with CGI! There goes my security deposit! Sorry I had to kill you Ryan, but I needed those gold pieces you stole.

RYAN REYNOLDS

You mean the gold pieces you had no idea where I'd hidden after you deaded me? Why didn't you just wait until I turned them into police evidence and then easily stolen them back? You killed me for no reason!

KEVIN BACON

In my defense you were being a dipshit.

JEFF BRIDGES

So Kevin, I assume we must fight you now?

KEVIN BACON

No. I willingly give myself up in accordance with the Joker/Loki/Silva/Khan rule of devious supervillainy.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Wow, that was easy. I’m sure getting caught wasn’t part of his dastardly plan.

JEFF BRIDGES

Surely not.

INT. R.I.P.D.

RYAN and JEFF bring KEVIN in and he sets off a TIME BOMB that freezes everyone and he steals back the GOLD PIECES.

KEVIN BACON

Haha! Getting caught WAS part of my dastardly plan, you dumbfucks!

RYAN REYNOLDS

Damnit! If only I had seen any of the big summer blockbusters from the last few years!

KEVIN BACON

Or had been in any of them!

RYAN REYNOLDS

STOP IT!!! Why is everyone always ripping on me? I've been in plenty of good things!

KEVIN BACON

Scarlett Johansson does not count as a thing.

KEVIN and his HORRIBLE CGI MINIONS escape, HORRIBLY.

EXT. BOSTON

KEVIN assembles the GOLD PIECES which combine into THE TESSERACT.

KEVIN BACON

What? No no no, this is totally different. It shoots a beam of energy into the sky that opens up a portal so that otherworldly creatures can travel throughOHMYGODITISTHETESSERACT. Except this one is powered by the blood of an underdeveloped love interest. Hey Ryan’s wife, you busy?

STEPHANIE SZOSTAK

Nope. Just quietly sitting over here being forgettable. Why? What do you need me fo

(is stabbed)

KEVIN transformers into SHITTY CGI KEVIN while RYAN and JEFF navigate through UNNECESSARY CGI BULLSHIT and fight off HORRIBLE OVERWEIGHT CGI DEADOS because FAT PEOPLE=PURE EVIL.

RYAN REYNOLDS

So the Deados can scale tall buildings and defy gravity but we can’t? God forbid we get any special ghost powers that might actually be useful in catching ghosts.

JEFF BRIDGES

I say we just shoot the computer animators and call it a day.

THEY DO and the HORRIBAD CGI GHOSTS EXPLODE.

SHITTY CGI KEVIN BACON

Hey guys, on a scale of 1 to 10 exactly how shitty would you say my CGI looks?

RYAN REYNOLDS

Pi times infinity shitty.

SHITTY CGI KEVIN BACON

So the same as the rest of the CGI abominations in this movie. I would hate to break the trend so late in the game.

JEFF tries to shut down THE TESSERACT while KEVIN pummels THE LIVING (or is it dead?) FUCK out of RYAN.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Uh, Kevin? You can’t kill me without the ghost bullets, remember? This scene has a tension factor of negative 5 thousand tensions. Shouldn’t you be focusing on Jeff instead of bashing my invincible face in?

SHITTY CGI KEVIN BACON

(thinks)

Nah, I’m good.

(continues bashing RYAN’s face in)

RYAN REYNOLDS

But Jeff’s going to destroy The Tesseract and ruin your plan!

SHITTY CGI KEVIN BACON

Oh, but that’s where you’re wrong. Are you really that blind, Ryan? My real plan is to stop you from making Deadpool.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Say what?

SHITTY CGI KEVIN BACON

You see Ryan, I’m a huge comic book fan, my favorite being the merc with a mouth, AKA Deadpool. And when I heard you were the number one choice for the role, well, I fucking snapped. So I used my evil Kevin Bacon powers to slowly ruin your career from the inside out.

RYAN REYNOLDS

But how?

SHITTY CGI KEVIN BACON

Who do you think sends you all of these terrible scripts you keep accepting? Think about it. I was in Flatliners with Julia Roberts, who was in Valentine's Day with Jessica Beil, who was in Blade Trinity... with you!

RYAN REYNOLDS

(gasp!)

SHITTY CGI KEVIN BACON

But your star status survived that turd sandwich somehow so I had to get more creative. I was in Footloose with Frances Lee McCain, who was in Scream with Liev Schreiber, who was in Wolverine... WITH YOU!

RYAN REYNOLDS

(double gasp!)

SHITTY CGI KEVIN BACON

Oh yes. But your career somehow managed to dodge even THAT ultra shit mountain, so I had to pull out the big guns. I was in Mystic River with Tim Robbins, who was in Green Lantern... WITH! YOU!

RYAN REYNOLDS

(triple gasp!)

Holy shit! One degree!

SHITTY CGI KEVIN BACON

That's right! And yet you're STILL attached to play Deadpool! This forced me to step out of the shadows and blackmail Warner Brothers into financing this poop receptacle of cinema and you eagerly accepted this role. If R.I.P.D. doesn’t stop you from playing Deadpool then nothing will!

JEFF destroys THE TESSERACT in the laziest RUBE GOLDBERGIAN WAY POSSIBLE and RYAN gets the upper hand on KEVIN.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Well I’ve got some bad news for you, Kevin. I’ve got Damon Lindelof’s agent. That Deadpool role is ALL MINE!

SHITTY CGI KEVIN BACON

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

(is deaded)

RYAN REYNOLDS

Well Jeff, we stopped Kevin’s plan, rescued my wife, and saved the world. I think I’ve earned that handshake now.

JEFF BRIDGES

Aren’t you forgetting how you withheld crucial clues essential to Kevin’s plan, exposed the R.I.P.D. to the living world and got countless people killed or injured? The only way you could have fucked up worse is if Tim Robbins tricked you into blowing up an FBI building. Here’s your handshake.

(does the jerk-off motion)

END