FADE IN:

INT. COMICAL HOME BASE

IOAN GRUFFUDD does sciencey things while JESSICA ALBA whines at him.

JESSICA ALBA

Every time we try to have our wedding, it's some big celebrity event! Waaah!

IOAN GRUFFUDD

Yes, the paparazzi sure are irritating. It's nice that the biggest obstacle for the Fantastic Four is the same one Britney Spears overcomes daily.

JESSICA whines her way into another room and gets distracted by something shiny. CHRIS EVANS enters.

CHRIS EVANS

I've taken my one-dimensional bad-boy act up a notch. I've got new costumes with sponsors, which I somehow got made without consulting anyone else.

IOAN GRUFFUDD

Nobody will wear those, you stereotypical brash youth. We don't need sponsors.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS

Actually, how DO we make money? All of this stuff costs a shitload and none of us have jobs other than being superheroes.

IOAN GRUFFUDD

We sell comic books.

CHRIS EVANS

Pfft, yeah right. Like anyone actually ever read the "Fantastic Four" comic book.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS

Yeah, the kids that liked the Fantastic Four were the kids that the other comic book dorks would beat up.

Suddenly, a bunch of TOTALLY SUPER SERIOUS MILITARY GUYS enter.

SERIOUS MILITARY GUY

Ioan, we need your help. There is strange cosmic activity all over the planet. It might be something really bad.

JESSICA ALBA

No! We're having a wedding tomorrow!

IOAN GRUFFUDD

She's right. Though the entire planet is potentially in danger, our wedding takes top priority.

SERIOUS MILITARY GUY

How heroic and admirable. No wonder you've had two movies made about you.

The movie centers around the goddamn wedding of some boring characters for half an hour before the title character appears. The wedding gets interrupted by NAKED SILVER LAURENCE FISHBURNE flying around.

CHRIS EVANS

Why is there a surfing hood ornament in the city?

SILVER LAURENCE FISHBURNE

I am the herald for Galactus. I check out planets and let him know if they will be good to eat. This planet tastes like chicken, and he will enjoy it deep fried.

CHRIS EVANS

Galactus? The giant purple robot from the comics?

SILVER LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Basically. Except more gray than purple. And more of a cloud than a robot. A giant robot would be too silly for the movie.

CHRIS EVANS

And yet a silver guy on a surfboard is just fine?

SILVER LAURENCE FISHBURNE flies elsewhere. CHRIS EVANS can now switch powers with everyone he touches, a plot point that is used to awkwardly force a scene in which JESSICA ALBA is naked for a split second. Eventually, an actual action scene occurs, which is a nice idea for an action movie.

IOAN GRUFFUDD

Alright everyone! We have to put our obnoxious family drama aside and pull together to save the world!

(pause)

Ioan, with the power to look like a cartoon and permanently destroy the careers of the special effects guys who worked on me!

JESSICA ALBA

Jessica, with the lame power to turn my zits invisible, but also forcefields because my power sucks so bad!

MICHAEL CHIKLIS

Michael, with the power to wear an obvious rubber suit that everyone pretends looks like rock even though it doesn't!

CHRIS EVANS

And Chris, with the power to tolerate being yelled at by everyone for having the only interesting personality in the entire movie!

SERIOUS MILITARY GUY

The world is in peril, and only the Fantastic Four can save us now!

OTHER SERIOUS MILITARY GUY

If our best hope is a dysfunctional family of morons, I think Galactus should just go ahead and eat us.

They have a BATTLE, and JESSICA ALBA gets killed!

IOAN GRUFFUDD

No!

(pause)

Goddamn, you're an unconvincing actress even when playing dead, Alba.

SILVER LAURENCE FISHBURNE revives her.

SILVER LAURENCE FISHBURNE

You remind me of the woman I love back on my home planet. Except less silver. I will help save your planet from Galactus.

SILVER LAURENCE FISHBURNE somehow uses his powers to destroy GALACTUS.

IOAN GRUFFUDD

Wait, did he just use the very powers granted by Galactus to destroy Galactus? That makes no sense.

JESSICA ALBA

They cast a brown-eyed, Mexican brunette as a blue-eyed, white blonde. This movie doesn't even try to make sense, dude.

JULIAN MCMAHON is edited into earlier scenes during post-production.

END