FADE IN:

INT. SLEAZY BAR - NIGHT

VANESSA FERLITO, JORDAN LADD, and SYDNEY TAMIIA POITIER sit in a SLEAZY BAR, chatting. This scene, like nearly 80 percent of the film, is photographed by QUENTIN TARANTINO'S FOOT FETISH.

VANESSA FERLITO'S FEET

See, what I love about Quentin Tarantino movies is how accessible he makes thrillers! With his great ear for dialogue he shows us that people from all walks of life, be they murderers, bank robbers, hitmen, assassins, or yes, even Nazis, enjoy sitting around tables and discussing the deeper meaning of pop culture ephemera!

JORDAN LADD'S FEET

This is so exciting! I wonder what kind of characters we'll be playing? Jewel thieves with codenames that reference the Electric Company? Spies who are hot for Count Chocula? Murderers who somehow theme their crimes after the GoBots? Who's going to sound suspiciously like Quentin Tarantino this time?

SYDNEY TAMIIA POITIER'S FEET

Looking at us, I'm guessing it's 'the kind of women QT would like to have sex with'.

From the bar, KURT RUSSELL eyes them hungrily.

KURT RUSSELL

You know, I used to be a big star in the 70s and 80s.

BARTENDER TIM MURPHY

You mean your character was a successful stunt performer?

KURT RUSSELL

Let's say yes. In fact, I think I'm going to pontificate about Hollywood's output from thirty years ago for a while. After all, it's not like people can just stay at home and reminisce about their childhoods for free.

ELI ROTH walks up to the bar.

ELI ROTH

Hold on a second - Quentin has assigned his opinions and voice to both a serial killer and his victims? Is this a movie or a cry for help?

BARTENDER TIM MURPHY

Yeah, you're one to talk.

EXT. SLEAZY BAR - NIGHT

KURT watches as the GIRLS drive off into the dark, foreboding night.

KURT RUSSELL

Now to put my evil plan into effect...

KURT heads for his DEATHMOBILE, but he's stopped by ROSE MCGOWAN.

ROSE MCGOWAN

Hey, could you give me a lift? They're expecting me over on the Planet Terror set.

KURT RUSSELL

No problem - you can slide into the old deathmobile. It doesn't have seats or anything. Just push the bed of nails, vials of acid, and nest of cobras aside, there's plenty of room.

ROSE MCGOWAN

Thanks! After all, I can't imagine any possible danger in a monstrously scarred man asking me to climb into a tiny metal box.

She gets into the DEATHMOBILE, then IMMEDIATELY GETS AN EDUCATION ABOUT DANGER.

EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT

The GIRLS are riding along happily.

SYDNEY TAMIIA POITIER

I've got to say, it sure is nice of Quentin to make a movie with such relatively unknown actresses.

VANESSA FERLITO

How do you mean?

SYDNEY TAMIIA POITIER

Well, none of us are really famous, and yet he's gone and made a whole movie about our boring night of drinking and-

Just then KURT's DEATHMOBILE comes out of nowhere and crashes into them at full-speed, resulting in the Omaha beach scene from SAVING PRIVATE RYAN, but with cars.

Just in case we missed it, the accident runs three times over, luxuriating in the sickening details of each gruesome death. Except for the WOMAN DRIVING THE CAR, who wasn't attractive enough to warrant fetishizing her death.

KURT RUSSELL

Okay, now to masturbate furiously while staring at piles of ground meat that used to be my victims.

(thinks for a second)

Hey, Quentin?

DIRECTOR QUENTIN TARANTINO

Yes?

KURT RUSSELL

I'm not doing that.

DIRECTOR QUENTIN TARANTINO

Kurt, this scene is really important for the movie!

KURT RUSSELL

This is a movie?

DIRECTOR QUENTIN TARANTINO

What would you call it?

KURT RUSSELL

Exhibit A.

INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT

SHERIFF MICHAEL PARKS and his son, DEPUTY JAMES PARKS walk down a hallway.

MICHAEL PARKS

Wow, the whole cast is dead! Who could have guessed we'd spend all that time getting to know those woman only to have all of them wiped out in one fell swoop. This is a master class in defying audience expectations.

JAMES PARKS

But don't slasher movies usually have teaser kills? It seems to me that it took us a full hour to get to the point that most slasher movies reach at minute five, leaving us almost no time at all to get to know our actual main characters.

INT. DINER - DAY

TRACIE THOMS, ROSARIO DAWSON, AND ZOE BELL are hanging out in a diner.

TRACIE THOMS

Because I'm African-American, my only characterization is that I'm a tough bitch who carries a gun. Normally this would be incredibly racist, but since Quentin so clearly wishes he were black it feels more like misguided hero worship.

ZOE BELL

I'm popular stuntwoman Zoe Bell, and I'm actually playing myself as an amoral, thrill-seeking murderer! Which I think is AWESOME!

And she's RIGHT!

ROSARIO DAWSON

I don't drive or shoot, but I'm hoping the audience will be so distracted by my beauty that they won't notice how pointless I am!

They ARE, so they DON'T!

ROSARIO DAWSON

God, making a movie is so stressful. It's nice to have a day off.

ZOE BELL

Wait, we're not shooting the movie right now? Is this behind the scenes footage?

TRACIE THOMS

No, we're all playing behind the scenes production people, working on a movie that you're the stuntwoman for.

ZOE BELL

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I feel if you accidentally switch between the audio and commentary tracks on a DVD you should be able to tell the difference.

ROSARIO DAWSON

Hey, you write what you know.

ZOE BELL

So, who wants to help me risk my life in an incredibly dangerous stunt that we won't even record for YouTube?

KURT, who was sitting in the diner this whole time, can't believe what an amazingly lucky coincidence this is, what with his new DEATHMOBILE just having been finished!

EXT. THE BOONDOCKS - DAY

THE GIRLS 2.0 drive to a rural house. Now MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD is with them.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Hold on - if there was already one utterly superfluous character in this car, what the hell am I doing here? And since it's our day off, why am I in my cheerleader costume?

ZOE BELL

Well, we want to do a risky stunt, so we're feigning interest in buying a car from Jonathan Loughran, hoping that he'll let us take his muscle car on an unescorted test drive.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

What does any of that have to do with me?

ROSARIO DAWSON

Well, since Jonathan played the trucker who was going to rape Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, we thought we could use you as sexual currency - a live human deposit against damages, if you will.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

That's horrible! You're just going to leave me here with a probable sex offender?

Mary looks around and realizes that they ALREADY HAVE.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

God damn it.

INT. FASTER CAR - DAY

As the muscle car speeds down some back roads, ZOE climbs onto the hood of the car, which the AUDIENCE finds THRILLING because a woman's life is ACTUALLY IN DANGER. TRACIE drives fast, kicking up gravel, with ROSARIO in the back seat, still having no reason to be there.

Suddenly KURT RUSSELL drives up in his new DEATHMOBILE.

KURT RUSSELL

Hood-surfing, huh? What a perfect opportunity for me to... GENTLY BUMP INTO YOUR CAR!

TRACIE tries to make it to make it look like she's struggling to keep the car on the road, but can't manage it.

ROSARIO DAWSON

You know, this car chase isn't as amazing as I'd hoped it would be.

TRACIE THOMS

Well, it's not like I can spin or jump or ram him or anything. I mean, there's an ACTUAL WOMAN strapped to the hood of the car.

Finally the 'chase' peters out, with KURT getting run off the road. TRACIE takes out her gun and starts shooting at him. Since he's unarmed, KURT turns tail and runs.

KURT RUSSELL

Wait, I don't have a gun? Why didn't you just stop the car the first time I pulled up alongside and started softly nudging you? Weren't you the ones keeping this 'chase' going?

ZOE BELL

Quick, girls, kill him before he makes any more sense!

KURT flees in his COWARDMOBILE, and is chased by the GIRLS 2.0. Now that Zoe isn't on the hood of the car, the AUDIENCE finally gets the high-octane 70s-style car chase they've been waiting TWO HOURS for.

After some legitimately GREAT stunt driving, KURT crashes his JUNKMOBILE, and is then beaten to death by the GIRLS 2.0.

DIRECTOR QUENTIN TARANTINO

That was totally worth slogging through all the Robert Frost poetry, right?

NOPE.

INT. HOSPITAL - DAY

MICHAEL and JAMES walk down the same hallway.

JAMES PARKS

I'm confused - why did Kurt waste all that time toying with them? Wouldn't a head-on collision be far more viscerally satisfying with Zoe strapped to the hood?

MICHAEL PARKS

Actually, there's a perfectly good reason for that, you see-

END