FADE IN:

INT. BAD GUY WAREHOUSE FULL OF STOLEN CARS

KEANU REEVES has used his SOUPED-UP MODERN TAKE ON A VINTAGE AMERICAN MUSCLE CAR to track down his stolen OTHER SOUPED-UP MODERN TAKE ON A VINTAGE AMERICAN MUSCLE CAR. Inside, BAD GUYS fret.

BAD GUY

Oh man, why did we agree to store Keanu's stolen car? We are so fucked. Anyone want to do the obligatory "John Wick is so fucking awesome" speech to help set things up?

PETER STORMARE

Allow me! Ahem. John Wick once killed eight men with a pencil. He disemboweled a dude with a protractor. If he gets his hands on one of those Bic pens with four different colours of ink inside? You might as well shotgun your own face off.

BAD GUY

Wow, Peter Stormare?!? Are you the Big Bad for this whole movie?

PETER STORMARE

Sadly no.

KEANU finds his stolen CAR by SCENT and starts driving it out, but GUARDS spot him and ATTACK! KEANU responds by RUNNING THEM DOWN and SLAMMING HIS CAR INTO SHIT and generally SMASHING THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING IN SIGHT WITH HIS CAR.

KEANU REEVES

(inside smoking heap of mangled steel)

Maybe I should have killed everyone BEFORE finding my car.

INT. KEANU'S HOUSE

KEANU meticulously buries ALL HIS ASSASSIN GEAR in his BASEMENT and covers it with three feet of CONCRETE. Then the DOORBELL rings.

RICCARDO SCAMARCIO

(at door)

I'm here to force you to do an assassin job.

KEANU REEVES

(grimaces)

Yeah.

(sighs)

Look dude, I literally JUST buried all of my-

RICCARDO SCAMARCIO

Ah, but remember how, in exchange for helping you get OUT of the assassin life, you gave me this marker, which has the power to drag you BACK into the assassin life? You really should have thought that through, buddy.

KEANU REEVES

What if I say no?

RICCARDO SCAMARCIO

Oh you can totes say no. No problem. It's fine. Whoops I blew up your house. No biggie.

KEANU REEVES

Damn. Guess I have no choice but to go walk my dog. Like, all the way to New York. On foot. Because I'm just that much of a badass.

DOG

UM I WAS HOPING FOR MAYBE JUST AROUND THE BLOCK THEN SNACKS AND CUDDLES BUT OKAY DUDE, SURE AM GLAD YOU RESCUED ME FOR THIS BULLSHIT

INT. SLIT-YOUR-RITZ CARLTON, NEW YORK

KEANU and his DOG arrive at the ASSASSIN HOTEL from CHAPTER ONE and find ASSASSIN UNION BOSS IAN MCSHANE.

KEANU REEVES

Ian. I was hoping that since I got out of the life, I could ignore all our crazy arbitrary rules, even though I got back into the life. But then got out again. Before Riccardo dragged me back in.

IAN MCSHANE

Keanu. That's a hard no.

KEANU REEVES

Ian. Well I had to ask.

IAN MCSHANE

Keanu. I understand.

KEANU REEVES

(nods)

Ian.

IAN MCSHANE

(nods)

Keanu.

DOG

(nods)

IAN

IAN MCSHANE

(nods)

INT. RICCARDO'S PLACE

KEANU begrudgingly goes to meet RICCARDO and get his mission.

RICCARDO SCAMARCIO

To fulfil the marker, you must kill my sister, Claudia Gerini. She's a member of some Assassin Council thing and murdering her will have huge complications, but it won't drag you back into the life yet again, I double pinky swear.

KEANU REEVES

Kill Claudia Gerini?!? No way. It can't be done. It's impossible.

RICCARDO SCAMARCIO

Actually, this catacombs map lets you bypass all her security and waltz right into her bathroom, making the job hella easy. So easy that I should maybe hire some random goober to do it. Someone I could easily double-cross, and who wouldn't be immediately tied back to me through, let's say, an assassin marker. Welp, too late to change plans now! Off you go!

EXT. KILLTON INTERNATIONAL HOTEL, ROME

KEANU goes to the ASSASSIN HOTEL in ROME and meets the local equivalent to IAN MCSHANE.

ITALIAN MCSHANE

Buongiorno, Keanu! Welcome to Rome! Despite the hotel looking exactly the same, you can tell it's Rome because I constantly wear one of those decorative Euro-scarves.

KEANU REEVES

I need you to outfit me for this super challenging job, without it becoming too much like a Mission Impossible or Jason Bourne movie.

ITALIAN MCSHANE

Bah, those filthy movies!

(spits on ground)

Pwuh pwuh, we speak of them NO MORE! Come with me!

KEANU is taken to an OUTFITTING MONTAGE to get WEAPONS and GEAR.

PETER SERAFOWICZ

Greetings, sir. I am The Sommellier, because (as of March 2017) it is one of the ever-dwindling number of professions which haven't yet been co-opted by some action movie or franchise. Now let's equip you while being all fancy comparing it to courses of a meal and such.

KEANU REEVES

Or you could just hand me a shit-ton of guns and this stage would be twenty times faster.

PETER SERAFOWICZ

Don't be silly. Now let's assume that your impending killfest will divide neatly into appetizer, entree, and dessert stages. If not, well, you're just fucked I guess.

KEANU REEVES

(grimaces)

Yeah.

KEANU also gets a SWANKY BODY-ARMOUR SUIT and a FULL SET OF MAPS and KEYS TO EVERYTHING and a CRATE OF INVINCIBILITY MUSHROOMS and holy fuck could we make this any easier for him.

INT. ASSASSIN-COUNCIL-CORONATION SLASH EURO-RAVE-DANCE-PARTY THING

CLAUDIA GERINI prepares for her COROSSASSINATION by heading downstairs to her SWANKY AS FUCK BATHROOM which also doubles as a SEWER HOLE. She gets NEKKID but then notices KEANU standing still across the room.

CLAUDIA GERINI

Aimé! I could defend myself but my melodramatic streak... is TOO STRONG! I slit my wrists, nakedly!

(dies)

KEANU REEVES

Huh. Suppose I should shoot her in the head anyway, just so I can feel I contributed.

KEANU heads out and passes CLAUDIA'S head bodyguard, COMMON.

COMMON

Hey Keanu.

(actual line)

You working?

KEANU REEVES

Yeah, and I just shot your boss in the head with absolutely zero effort. Are YOU working??

AW YEAH IT'S HEAD-SHOOTIN' TIME!! KEANU shoots SO MANY GUYS IN THE FUCKING HEAD and reaches the CATACOMBS where RICCARDO's main henchperson RUBY ROSE is waiting for him.

RUBY ROSE

(in sign language)

Good job Keanu. Notice how my subtitles are done super cool style, and can I quickly do a shoutout to 2004's "Night Watch" for helping establish this cool tradition of funky stylin' subtitles.

KEANU REEVES

Very nice. So what kind of cross are we doing? Don't suppose it's a single one.

RUBY ROSE

(signing)

Nope, it's a double! And I thought it best to reveal this fact while you were still some distance away!

KEANU headshoots a WHOLE NEW BUNCH O'GUYS and escapes RUBY... only to run into COMMON again! They FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT and wind up crashing through the ASSASSIN HOTEL WINDOW!

ITALIAN MCSHANE

Hey! No fighting inside the Hotel, you know the rules!

KEANU REEVES

(grimaces)

Yeah.

(collects himself)

Okay what if, like, Common had landed on his head, snapped his neck and died? Would that be okay since I initiated contact OUTSIDE the hotel? What if I brought some poisoned food in here, then watched silently as Common ate it? Is it okay to allow him to come to harm, through inaction? Or--

COMMON

Dude, just relax and have a drink. My treat.

(flips Mario coin on bar)

KEANU REEVES

I love how our signature assassin-coins buy anything from vintage cars to a single glass of scotch. Though I'm not sure why we even bother paying for drinks when every flat surface in this entire fucking hotel is covered with booze.

EXT. NEW YORK

KEANU arrives back in NEW YORK just as RICCARDO puts out a contract on him! This results in a MONTAGE of KEANU fighting random assassins including--

STREET MUSICIAN

Okay, what the fuck is my fucking deal?!? I train to become a lethal assassin, cool. Then I stand around busking for loose change all day, waiting for contracts? And then KEEP ON BUSKING on the SLIM CHANCE that my target JUST HAPPENS to wander by this precise location?!? Why the fuck would

(killed)

SUMO GUY

And I'm also a hitman! I specialize in close-quarters, hand-to-hand combat kills, so it's good that none of us are trained in seven thousand varieties of long-distance weapons

(killed)

COMMON

And I'm here too! Time for another epic fight!

KEANU and COMMON FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT their way down to the SUBWAY, trading shots and punches and kicks and eventually KEANU impales COMMON with a KNIFE and leaves him sitting there sputtering blood.

COMMUTER

(to camera)

Welp, just another day on the 4-train!

(mugs)

KEANU gets off the subway but two random guys on the platform ARE ALSO ASSASSINS, OH NOOOO!

KEANU REEVES

I'll have to evade them with the help of EVEN MORE FUCKING ASSASSINS, REALLY?!?!??

Yes indeed, it turns out that a group of HOMELESS BUMS are actually ASSASSINS who provide cover and then take KEANU to see...

INT. LAURENCE FISHBURNE'S HIDEOUT

The HOMELESS DUDE ASSASSINS bring KEANU to see LAURENCE FISHBURNE.

KEANU REEVES

So what the fuck made these guys pick "homeless guy living in trash" duty instead of hanging out in swanky hotels in fancy suits like the rest of us?

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

(shrugs)

What can I say, they chose the blue pill. Anyhoo, witness my awesome collection of homing pigeons! They are also assassins.

KEANU REEVES

(grimaces)

Yeah. Look, I need your help to take down Riccardo.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Hm, I don't know about that. I might just kill you. But on second thought, I'll arrange to get you past all his guards and security and everything. AND, here's a new gun. But we don't want EVERYTHING handed to you on a silver platter all movie long, so I'm only giving you... SEVEN BULLETS. DUN DUN DUNNNN!!!

KEANU REEVES

Wow, only... SEVEN BULLETS. This is going to make the final showdown extra difficult and create a new, distinct level of suspense and aw crap it's going nowhere isn't it. Fuck.

(sighs)

I gotta hit the head.

KEANU goes to take a SHIT but IT'S AN ASSASSIN OH NOOO!!!!

KEANU REEVES

(fighting shit monster)

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK

(kills it)

INT. MUSEUM OF MODERN ART

KEANU uses LAURENCE'S SECRET INFO to sneak into the MUSEUM where he spots RICCARDO. Rather than continue being sneaky, KEANU decides to just WALK RIGHT OUT INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM.

RICCARDO SCAMARCIO

Damn your elite stealth assassin powers! Fight time!

KEANU uses his SEVEN BULLETS to kill the GOONS NEXT TO HIM and get THEIR GUNS AND BULLETS to kill MORE GOONS and so on, thus having essentially UNLIMITED BULLETS so it's sure good we set up that whole LIMITED BULLETS scenario.

INT. SUPER TRIPPY MIRROR-FILLED ENTER-THE-DRAGON EXHIBIT

KEANU uses HAND-TO-HAND-COMBAT to defeat a bunch of MUSCLE-BOUND GOONS that are TWICE HIS SIZE, then braces for the STAGE BOSS FIGHT against someone HALF HIS WEIGHT.

KEANU REEVES

Tell me, Ruby. Why ARE you so loyal to a dishonourable assface like Riccardo anyway?

RUBY ROSE

(sign language)

This isn't about Riccardo. To claim the title of Next Top Young Androgynously-Beautiful Action Star, I must defeat all previous holders of that title... including YOU! And so, make peace with your God/Maker/Little Buddha and prepare to

(killed)

INT. BACK AT THE N.Y. SLAYS INN

RICCARDO is relaxing in the lounge when KEANU bursts through the DOOR which is AN ASSASSIN OH NOOO!!!!

KEANU REEVES

(fighting door)

JUST FUCK OFF ALREADY

RICCARDO SCAMARCIO

Tut tut, no violence in here! Especially against me! I was thinking once I take over the Council, I would just live here permanently. Food is great and the bar's always open, and I can be as big an asshole as I want, forever!

KEANU REEVES

You dickwad, depriving the audience of our big final boss fight. Fuck you.

(shoots Riccardo in the fucking head)

IAN MCSHANE

Keanu. What you've done can't be tolerated. Our punishment will be swift and severe. Well, by "swift" I mean tomorrow morning. But it will be severe, so don't go using tonight to, I dunno, vanish or anything.

KEANU REEVES

Ian. Of course. Even now, I'd never go against the decorum of the society which I wanted to leave forever, and is always trying to get me killed, and got my wife killed, and I just spat in the face of.

EXT. CENTRAL PARK - THE NEXT MORNING

KEANU and his DOG meet up with IAN. At a gesture from IAN, everyone around them comes to a full stop and stares.

IAN MCSHANE

Keanu. Please observe how everyone within eyeshot is a lethal assassin. Now as punishment, I have to order an open hit on you.

KEANU REEVES

Ian. Before you do that, can I just ask, seriously, HOW MANY FUCKING ASSASSINS CAN ONE CITY REALLY SUPPORT, I MEAN, THIS IS BEYOND RIDICULOUS AT THIS STAGE.

IAN MCSHANE

Keanu. I'm sorry. But I'll give you a head-start.

KEANU REEVES

Ian. I accept the situation. But one last thing: why are we always saying each other's names?

IAN MCSHANE

Keanu. Huh? No no, I just like saying titles of Jordan Peele movies. Now, get out.

KEANU REEVES

(grimaces)

Yeah.

(running)

C'mon, dog! We must run, run ever onward, never sure of our safety!

DOG

(running)

DUDE SERIOUSLY I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS COULD I MAYBE STAY WITH THE HOTEL CONCIERGE INSTEAD, HE HAS STEAK TREATS AND DOESN'T FUCK UP HIS WHOLE LIFE EVERY FIVE MINUTES, I'M JUST SAYING

END