FADE IN:

EXT. THE PAST (BEFORE THE ENDING OF INFINITY WAR CRUSHED YOUR SOUL AND MADE EVERY SMALL CHILD ON THE PLANET THINK THEY WERE GOING TO COLLAPSE IN A PILE OF ASHES)

DE-AGED MICHAEL DOUGLAS and DE-AGED MICHELLE PFEIFFER are the original ANT-MAN and WASP. DE-AGED MICHELLE shrinks down to QUANTUM size to stop a nuclear missile from blowing up, and disappears forever.

In the PRESENT DAY, AGED MICHAEL DOUGLAS tells the story to EVANGELINE LILLY.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

And that's how I left your mother to die in the Quantum Realm, hopelessly trapped with no means of escape!

EVANGELINE LILLY

But Paul Rudd returned from the Quantum Realm last movie with no help.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Well that's because he had the greatest power of all: a parent's unconditional love for their child! So obviously Michelle was shit out of luck.

EVANGELINE LILLY

(glowers)

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

And even worse, once your mom was subatomic for too long, the Casting Uncertainty Principle took over and we weren’t even sure WHICH actress would play her. Remember we couldn’t even show her face last movie! Luckily, now that Michelle’s confirmed for the role--

EVANGELINE LILLY

(brightens)

--it means she exists in a determinate casted state! We can save her!!

INT. PAUL RUDD'S HOUSE

PAUL RUDD is on house arrest, so he builds an elaborate theft-themed amusement park for his daughter ABBY RYDER FORTSON, which causes all the daughters in the audience to give their dads some SERIOUS SIDE-EYE.

ABBY RYDER FORTSON

I love you daddy, you're my hero!

PAUL RUDD

I love you too peanut! Wait... is this the only positive father/child relationship in the entire MCU? Black Panther's dad was a kin-slayer, Hulk's dad was an abuser, Starlord and Gamora's dads were mass murderers, Thor's dad imprisoned his own daughter, and both Iron Man and Evangeline's dads were pricks.

ABBY RYDER FORTSON

You left out the part where you were a convict who helped blow up an airport in Germany with a bunch of superhuman terrorists you barely knew.

PAUL RUDD

Child please, that just makes me an even cooler dad.

PAUL's ankle bracelet is triggered causing his house to be raided by AGENT EXPOSITION RANDALL PARK.

RANDALL PARK

(sums up the events of Civil War, clumsily)

(has no further purpose)

What? No! I have tons of purpose! I'm the dogged cop trying to keep Paul away from his freedom for eternity! I'm the Javert to his Jean Valjean!

PAUL RUDD

Your defining character trait is that you are impressed by sleight-of-hand card tricks in a universe where magic is real.

RANDALL PARK

Damnit you're right.

(remains purposeless)

That night PAUL has a dream about MICHELLE. The next day he is ANTNAPPED by EVANGELINE!

EVANGELINE LILLY

(scowls)

PAUL RUDD

Is this because I left Michael a voicemail about the weird dream I had about your mom? I swear, it was strictly professional, and at absolutely no point did she wear the Catwoman costume.

EVANGELINE LILLY

(scowl intensifies)

PAUL RUDD

Oh shit but I can’t leave the house! What about my ankle bracelet?!

EVANGELINE LILLY

It’s okay, I put the bracelet on an enlarged ant that I trained to mimic your daily routine. It’s really lucky for us there is ZERO video surveillance on or inside your house.

PAUL RUDD

Does the ant also mimic the two straight hours I spend each day furiously masturbating?

EVANGELINE LILLY

Especially that part.

PAUL RUDD

But what if Randall randomly stops by? Or calls? Wait... are we in a Hot Wheels car? Won’t we get smooshed?

EVANGELINE LILLY

You know that’s not how these movies work. Even though the smallified van loses all its weight, it maintains all its integral strength, because morble blorbity glorb.

PAUL RUDD

And the fact it still matches speed with regular-sized vehicles means the engine becomes hypercharged at tiny size I guess.

They continue to drive through traffic in TOY CAR FORM because EVANGELINE has a DEATH WISH.

INT. DOUGLAS LAB

EVANGELINE brings PAUL to see MICHAEL.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Welcome to my top-secret lab, which appears to take up exactly one floor of this enormous office tower. I suppose it would be less conspicuous as a single-storey building when full-sized, but that would weaken our many hilarious moments of WHOOOOOOP IT’S HUGE and WHOOOOOOOOOP IT’S SMALL and so forth.

PAUL RUDD

So how have you guys been since Captain America: Civil War anyway?

EVANGELINE LILLY

We’re still angry that you turned us BOTH into fugitives since Michael built the Ant-Man suit and I’m, er, related to him.

PAUL RUDD

Couldn’t you just have said that I stole the suit from you?

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

(scowls)

PAUL RUDD

Well now I see where she gets it from.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

We think your dream means you’re quantum entangled with Michelle, because while you were in the Quantum Realm the quantum field from your left quantum got quantumed with her hippoquantum, quantumly.

PAUL RUDD

We’re saying "quantum" a whole lot. How about in the actual movie I make a joke about it, then you can keep using it all the damn time and it’ll be meta.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

I like the way you quantum. Anyway to get her back we’ll need the plot magic in your Ant-Man suit.

PAUL RUDD

But you made that suit, can't you just make a new suit?

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

I did, but it's somehow crappier and comically unreliable. So where's the original Ant-Man suit?

PAUL RUDD

I’m going to say I destroyed it like you asked, because saving Michelle is less important than you not being mad at me.

MICHAEL shrinks his entire lab building down to MACGUFFIN SIZE and takes it with him.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

I’m building a shrinking tunnel from a repurposed TimeCop rocket sled and old Christmas lights, so I can rescue Michelle all Fantastic Voyage style. But there’s a crucial missing part I need to buy from Walton Goggins, who’s taken over from Sam Rockwell because fuck Iron Man 2.

PAUL RUDD

Sounds good. While you guys do that I'll be at home in case Randall Park shows-

INT. CHEZ WALTON

PAUL RUDD

-up. Wait what am I doing here?

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

I made you a superhero and I let you date my daughter, the least you can do is watch me watch Evangeline buy the part I need.

While PAUL and MICHAEL do surveillance from a van outside, EVANGELINE meets the WALTON GOGGINS-like bad guy WALTON GOGGINS.

WALTON GOGGINS

Instead of selling you the part I have decided to double cross you and steal your shrinking tech!

EVANGELINE LILLY

I could make you the size of a raisin and step on you, and your plan is TO THREATEN ME?

WALTON GOGGINS

Well, huh, when you put it like that...

EVANGELINE walks away and returns literally 10 seconds later in her BADASS WASP SUIT!!!

EVANGELINE WASPY

(begins randomly shrinking and enlarging herself with pinpoint precision)

Wait, how am I doing this? Am I controlling my suit with my mind? I'm not even pressing a button like Paul does. How the hell OH COOL WINGS

She flies around and beats up a bunch of heavies.

EVANGELINE WASPY

I also have enlarging guns on my wrists in case I need to... make my enemies larger I suppose?

She gets the special part from WALTON but is attacked by HANNAH JOHN-KAMEN who can phase through WALLS while NOT phasing through the FLOOR!

EVANGELINE WASPY

Oh, I'll just use my wings to fly up into the air where you can't catch me.

HANNAH JOHN-KAMEN

You can't do that.

EVANGELINE WASPY

Why not?

HANNAH JOHN-KAMEN

Because then we can't fight.

EVANGELINE WASPY

Oh. I better not do that then.

(gets stinger kicked)

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

She's losing! Paul, here's a new Ant-Man suit! Go in there and help her!

PAUL RUDD

But won't that leave you totally defenseless and your mini lab at risk of being stolen?

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Oh I'm sure THAT won't happen.

PAUL becomes ANT-PAUL and helps EVANGELINE, giving HANNAH the chance to make off with MICHAEL'S mini lab!

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Noooo! Who could have seen this coming?!

PAUL RUDD

No biggie, heh heh, we'll get it back. I mean you put some kind of tracking device on your lab, right? Riiiight???

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Not until the next time it gets stolen. Meanwhile, I know a guy who could help us. He hates my guts, but on the other hand, so does everybody else I know.

INT. LAURENCE FISHBURNE'S OFFICE

The ANT-FAM find LAURENCE at his job for smart people who are smart.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Well, well. The MARVEL Cinematic Universe! Would you look at all these colors! Not crazy about the silver for some reason but otherwise, wowzers!

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Yes it’s quite amazing. Now listen because we need your help, ASSHOLE. I’ve lost my mini-lab, and with it the only hope of saving my wife, you GODDAMN FUCKSTICK! I entreat you, have pity on our plight, SHITBIRD.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Very well, DOUCHEBAG. I shall assist in your hour of need you CRUSTY OLD FUCK. Simply quantum the lab’s quantum while carrying the quantum!

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

But I left the quantum in Paul's old Ant-Man suit which he rightfully destroyed before someone could use it to solve countless world problems!

PAUL RUDD

Actually I mailed it to my friend Michael Pena.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

You mean your ex-con friend with money problems who could have made a fortune selling it to the highest bidder?

PAUL RUDD

Yes that one, but thankfully he's the likeable Michael so he didn't do that. You're welcome. Unfortunately after getting it back from him, I shrunk the suit and hid it in a statue my daughter took to school.

EVANGELINE LILLY

All right then, let's go to the school to grab the trophy to retrieve the suit to find the lab to get the component to fix the tunnel to travel to the quantum realm to rescue my mom who lives in the house that Jack built! How hard could that be?

INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

ANT-PAUL and EVANGELINE WASPY bumble their way in and are almost IMMEDIATELY CAUGHT.

ANT-PAUL

Damnit! My suit is randomly shrinking and embiggening me!

EVANGELINE WASPY

I find this amusing even though you could potentially grow to 65 feet and collapse this entire building killing hundreds of small feeble children.

EVANGELINE tries to fix his suit but ANT-PAUL is stuck at 3 FEET TALL PAUL.

FUN-SIZE-PAUL

Yes! The perfect height to blend in as one of those feeble children I almost just killed! Is this some kind of karmic retribution for all those Mac and Me pranks?

They get PAUL's old suit along with several JUICE BOXES for extra nutrition on the go, and use the old suit to track down MICHAEL'S LAB.

INT. HANNAH'S HIDEOUT

The ANT-FAM confer on their next move.

EVANGELINE WASPY

Alright, so we know Hannah can phase through walls and kick our asses, so let's come up with a plan to minimize that outcome.

ANT-PAUL

Or we could just walk in and get immediately caught.

EVANGELINE WASPY

Sure, that sounds like fun.

They bumble their way in and are IMMEDIATELY CAUGHT.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

(appearing)

Surprise it’s me! Allow me to recount the tragic history of Hannah John-Kamen, mostly because I want in on this Grand Moff Tarkin de-aging CGI action! Oh yeahh, who’s that handsome young man.

HANNAH JOHN-KAMEN

Um I can handle my own backstory thanks. My dad tried to copy Michael's quantum tunnel but it blew up and made me a super villain, so basically it's all Michael's fault and I hate him.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Wait, so the main villain has a grudge against me, the science genius at least indirectly responsible for her becoming a villain in the first place? What, are we borrowing an Iron Man villain?

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Yes. Look it up, we literally are. And I’m helping her because you suck. Now I need your quantum tunnel to heal Hannah before her phasing kills her.

EVANGELINE LILLY

But that will kill my mom! Wouldn't it make more sense to work together to save Michelle and THEN save Hannah?

PAUL RUDD

Yes! For all we know saving Michelle could conveniently save Hannah as well!

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Bullshit! Michelle's dead! The odds of her surviving in the Quantum Realm for 30 years is as likely as James Gunn receiving a Kids' Choice Award!

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Wait what are you talking about? Did something happen... to James Gunn? Is... he okay?

(begins having a heart attack!)

EVANGELINE LILLY

Oh no he's dying! Help him! His medicine is in that small tin full of embiggening ants!

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Oh course! I'll just open the tin and WAIT EMBIGGENING ANTS?!?!

LAURENCE and HANNAH are attacked by GIANT ANTS allowing our heroes to escape with the lab!

HANNAH JOHN-KAMEN

Dammit! Well I'm sure Paul will return the lab once I kidnap his daughter...

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

No, I forbid it!! Threatening Abby is hereby off-limits, and that goes for Walton Goggins and the FBI too. Only family-friendly villainy allowed!

HANNAH JOHN-KAMEN

(frowns)

You're such a killjoy.

INT. MICHAEL'S LAB

The gang tries to contact MICHELLE in the Quantum Realm when she suddenly begins to possess PAUL??

MICHELLE-PAUL

Michael, Evangeline, my darlings, I am still alive and here's the time and place where you can find me. I've marked the location on Google Quantum Maps!

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

That's great, but... where the hell did you get the ability to implant psychic remote controls in people's brains?

MICHELLE-PAUL

Oh. Uh, I guess being in the Quantum Realm for decades gives you magical powers? Yes, let's go with that.

(pause)

The crazy thing is that's probably what we would have put in this script anyway, as a joke. But in this instance that explanation turns out to be ENTIRELY ACCURATE.

EVANGELINE LILLY

So let's fire up that Quantum Tunnel so I can get my mommy back! Unless Paul accidentally reveals where we are to Hannah, totally fucking everything up.

PAUL RUDD

Oh whoops, I accidentally revealed where we are to Hannah, totally fucking everything up! I also tipped off the FBI and HYDRA and Roxxon and The Hand and A.I.M. and

MICHAEL AND EVANGELINE

(scowl in unison)

PAUL RUDD

In my defense, Hannah got our location from Pena, and I had to tell HIM our location because our entire business is useless if I’m not around. Which makes you wonder what the fuck all those other guys do. Now I’ve got to dramatically rush home before Agent Park gets there and revokes my visitation rights!

EVANGELINE LILLY

Fine then, go avoid losing your daughter forever, you SELFISH BASTARD! GOD! We wouldn’t even be IN this mess if you’d just let your best friend go bankrupt, you SELF-CENTRED EGOMANIACAL SHIT!

PAUL leaves but MICHAEL and EVANGELINE are NABBED by the FEDS! An FBI GOOBER DUDE tosses the SHRUNKEN LAB into his trunk but HANNAH KNOCKS him out and GRABS the LAB roughly, whisking it away!

HANNAH JOHN-KAMEN

I sure hope everything in that lab is bolted down.

INT. PAUL RUDD'S HOUSE

PAUL broods over his epic incompetence.

ABBY RYDER FORTSON

Dad, you need to get up off your sorry ass and go help your friends.

PAUL RUDD

But if I do that I risk being separated from you forever.

ABBY RYDER FORTSON

That didn't stop you from blowing up that German airport with Captain America.

PAUL RUDD

Yeah but have you actually SEEN Chris Evans in person? I mean I'm not gay or nothing but if he asked me I'd totally suck that guy's dick.

ABBY RYDER FORTSON

But I don't want Chris to be my stepmom, I want Evangeline!

PAUL RUDD

You're right, I had better rehash the prison escape scene from the first movie and save her and Michael.

INT. FBI BUILDING

MICHAEL and EVANGELINE are being DETAINED while the FBI search for an appropriately obscure back-catalogue character to come INTERVIEW them.

EVANGELINE LILLY

We can't wait for Paul! I’ll use a shrinky-disk to shrink that one specific wall, since the disk will magically know when to stop, and not simply shrink the entire building around us and squoosh us instantly dead.

But just then PAUL RUDD and the ANTS arrive to provide COSTUMES and effect their ESCAPE! Then they use a tracking device to find MICHAEL'S LAB.

EXT. VACANT LOT CONTAINING MICHAEL'S LAB

PAUL RUDD

We're going to need some serious help taking down Hannah and Laurence so I called in Michael Pena who has no powers or special skills whatsoever.

MICHAEL PENA

But I have comedic charm!

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Why the Avengers aren't twisting your arm to join them is beyond my comprehension.

ANT-PAUL distracts HANNAH while MICHAEL uses his INCREDIBLE SHRINKING SUB to go into the QUANTUM REALM to rescue MICHELLE. Alas, who should arrive BUT!

WALTON GOGGINS

Ah-ha! There you are! Seize them, my endless supply of Goggins Goons!

EVANGELINE WASPY

Oh no! Time to shrink the lab to briefcase size and have a big car chase!

ANT-PAUL

Really? But every other MCU movie has a big epic car/ship chase, this one has to bring something entirely new to the table.

EVANGELINE shrinks and embiggens her van in order to crash, flip, and smash the GOGGINS GOONS into INNOCENT BYSTANDERS!

Then she throws an embiggened HELLO KITTY PEZ DISPENSER at the bad guys which, let's be honest, is the scene that sold half the audience on the movie.

ANT-PAUL

That should do it.

Meanwhile...

INT. THE QUANTUM REALM!!!!!

MICHAEL continues to shrink tinier and tinier until he encounters some TARDIGRADES.

TARDIGRADES

Are you with CBS? Tell them we're not settling! We'll sue Star Trek Discovery into the fucking stone age if we have too!!!!

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Uh, no, I'm just looking for my wife.

TARDIGRADES

Oh. In that case keep shrinking until you reach the Quantum Void, head past Quantum Leap, and make a left at the space-time continuum.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Thanks!

MICHAEL shrinks down to super duper microscopic size and eventually finds MICHELLE PFEIFFER!

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

You're alive! Are you wearing a jacket? Where'd that come from? And is there an endless supply of make-up down here or what?

MICHELLE PFEIFFER

Turns out even the subatomic realm isn’t immune to Quantum Gentrification. Have a Starbucks!

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO

The PENA PEEPS fight the GOGGINS GOONS! HANNA fights PAUL and EVANGELINE! But suddenly PAUL's suit malfunctions and SMALL RUDD becomes TALL RUDD!! PAUL starts getting dizzy!

EVANGELINE WASPY

Oh no! He's too big!

(GI)ANT-PAUL

That's what... She said...

(faints)

EVANGELINE WASPY

I'll save you! Because that's what heroes do, they save each other and have each other's backs!

(GI)ANT-PAUL

Until they have a disagreement about signing a piece of paper of course!

INT. MICHAEL'S LAB

HANNAH embiggens the lab and tries to hoard all the QUANTUM for herself, but ANT-PAUL and EVANGELINE stop her, allowing MICHAEL and MICHELLE to return!

MICHELLE PFEIFFER

(sparkle-hugs Hannah)

HANNAH JOHN-KAMEN

(is cured!)

Oh. Well that was easy. I guess we're all friends now! Hurray!!

EVANGELINE LILLY

And I have my mom back!

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

And I forgive Michael Douglas for everything, that SHIT-FOR-BRAINS!

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Nice job Paul. You really put the “ant” in “quantum”, heh heh heh.

PAUL RUDD

DAD JOKES FOREVER!

(high-fives Michael)

EVANGELINE LILLY

(scowls)

The PENA PATROL defeats the GOGGINS GANG, and PAUL RUSHES HOME DESPERATELY FAST, AGAIN, aaaaand just barely beats RANDALL PARK, AGAIN! So everything is totes fine, a warm happy ending for everyone.

In a closing montage we see MICHAEL take MICHELLE to a faraway verdant land and biggify an elaborate old HOUSE.

MICHELLE PFIEFFER

Oh it’s lovely! But if we walk in and find Jennifer Lawrence and Javier Bardem doing some weird allegorical religious freaky shit I am OUTTA HERE.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Don’t worry sweetheart! We have SO MUCH TIME now to catch up and get to know each other!

(grins)

MICHELLE PFIEFFER

Yes, SO MUCH TIME! Like, a near limitless supply! No need to rush as if we have VERY LITTLE TIME!

(laughs)

END

EXT. POST CREDIT SEQUENCE

MICHAEL has shrunken the Quantum Tunnel and placed it inside a van, possibly a better plan than having it in a THIRTY-STOREY OFFICE BUILDING in the first place.

EVANGELINE LILLY

Paul, we need you to go back into the Quantum Realm and get some Avengers 4 particles.

PAUL RUDD

Sure thing!

(watching news)

Hey there's some kind of big battle going down in Africa. Are you sure we shouldn't be involved in this?

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Nah that’s not our problem, I’m sure The Avengers will handle it! Now help us do science!

MICHELLE PFEIFFER

Alright Paul, while you're in the Quantum Realm something something TIME VORTEX. Did you hear the part about the TIME VORTEX? Just so you know, TIME VORTEX. Ok? Paul?

ANT-PAUL

(not listening)

ANT-PAUL goes into the Quantum Realm and gets the particles, but then LOSES COMMUNICATION, OH SNAP!!

ANT-PAUL

Guys? Guys? Get me outta here! C’mon, I don’t wanna have to think about how I love my daughter again, sheesh!

EVANGELINE LILLY

(disintegrates)

JACK, SAWYER, AND KILI

(horrified)

NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

MICHELLE PFEIFFER

(disintegrates)

BRUNO MARS AND VANCE JOY

(horrified)

NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

(disintegrates)

GREED

(horrified)

NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The AUDIENCE sits in shocked suspense through the REMAINING CREDITS, waiting to learn the fate of the OTHER beloved member of PAUL'S family--

GIANT ANT IN PAUL'S HOUSE

(is fine)

AUDIENCE

(huge sigh of relief!)

END