FADE IN:

INT. BRUCE WILLIS' BORING HOUSE

BRUCE WILLIS talks to MARY-LOUISE PARKER on the phone. She is the person responsible for mailing out his PENSION CHECKS because BRUCE is FUCKING OLD.

BRUCE WILLIS

So Mary-Louise, I've been having all of these long boring conversations with you and have been patiently listening to you babble on about your pot growing business for months so I think it's time we met in person and started dating.

MARY-LOUISE PARKER

Okay.

Then ASSASSINS sneak into BRUCE'S house and try to kill him! But BRUCE effortlessly KILLS THEM FIRST despite the fact the he is THE CRYPT KEEPER.

INT. MARY-LOUISE PARKER'S HOUSE

BRUCE breaks in and finds MARY-LOUISE half dressed.

BRUCE WILLIS

I used to work for a shadowy government organization called "The CIA" and now they are trying to kill me. They want to kill you too because they know I have the hots for you, so I'm here to rescue you. And by "rescue" I mean "abduct".

MARY-LOUISE PARKER

Okay.

BRUCE WILLIS

You're taking this very well.

BRUCE KIDNAPS HER, TIES HER UP, DUCT-TAPES her MOUTH and drives her to NEW YORK.

BRUCE WILLIS

I realize this is a bit extreme, but trust me, once you nearly die a few times because of me and get taken hostage by the bad guys, also because of me, you will fall madly in love with me.

MARY-LOUISE PARKER

(through duct tape)

Okay.

INT. BIG EXPENSIVE GLASS HOUSE

KARL URBAN is a COOL and SUAVE CIA ASSASSIN who kills SOME GUY by making it look like a SUICIDE and while calmly talking on the phone with HIS WIFE.

KARL URBAN

Is it just me or is everyone who works for the CIA a cold-blooded murderer these days? Their sociopath quota must be through the roof.

KARL meets with his boss REBECCA PIDGEON.

KARL URBAN

Oh. I didn't realize David Mamet directed this movie.

REBECCA PIDGEON

He didn't.

KARL URBAN

Did he write it?

REBECCA PIDGEON

No.

KARL URBAN

Produced it?

REBECCA PIDGEON

Nope.

KARL URBAN

Then how else did you get this role?

REBECCA PIDGEON

No time to explain. The CIA wants Bruce dead.

KARL URBAN

Then I shall kill him. Suavely.

INT. RETIREMENT HOME

MORGAN FREEMAN lives here because he IS FUCKING OLD. BRUCE appears.

BRUCE WILLIS

Morgan, I'm putting together a team of geriatric action stars and I need a Black Guy. You in?

MORGAN FREEMAN

Word.

MORGAN flips through the COMIC BOOK this film is BASED ON.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Hey, why isn't my character in here?

BRUCE WILLIS

Because the comic is embarrassingly short and everything after the first 15 minutes was made up just for the movie.

MORGAN FREEMAN

But aren't the comic book fanboys going to beat their hairless chests and complain?

BRUCE WILLIS

No one's ever heard of this comic book so nobody cares.

MORGAN FREEMAN

But why would the studio pay for the rights to a comic no one has read?

THE STUDIO

You're right. We're sure this whole comic book fad will die out before long.

Meanwhile, MARY-LOUISE escapes captivity and calls the POLICE, who try to KILL HER, but BRUCE SAVES HER.

BRUCE WILLIS

See? I told you I'm not just a crazy bald old man. You're in love with me now, right?

MARY-LOUISE PARKER

Okay.

KARL arrives. BRUCE WALKS OUT of a FUCKING CAR CRASH and has a 10 SECOND SHOOTOUT with KARL, then BRUCE drives AWAY.

KARL URBAN

Okay since when did they start putting Redbull in the Ensure?

KARL goes to THE PENTAGON to look up information on BRUCE, which leads him to The Record Keeper, ERNEST BORGNINE who has a PATINA.

KARL URBAN

What can you tell me about Bruce?

ERNEST BORGNINE

Despite the fact he's several years past his prime to still be doing action movies?

KARL URBAN

Despite that, yes.

ERNEST BORGNINE

He's still way more badass than you'll ever be, Bones.

KARL URBAN

Well shit.

INT. JOHN MALKOVICH'S UNDERGROUND BOMB SHELTER

BRUCE and MARY-LOUISE visit JOHN MALKOVICH who is A FUCKING DINOSAUR.

BRUCE WILLIS

(looking around)

Wow, this really does look like the kind of place a crazy paranoid schizophrenic would live. The production designer did a fantastic job with this set.

JOHN MALKOVICH

Set?

JOHN MALKOVICH acts like a CRAZY PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIC not unlike JOHN MALKOVICH.

BRUCE WILLIS

John, my geriatric team of action stars needs a Crazy Guy. You in?

JOHN MALKOVICH

(while bottling his own urine and eating his toenails)

I thought you'd never ask!

BRUCE and JOHN go find JAMES REMAR and question him.

BRUCE WILLIS

So James, what can you tell us?

JAMES REMAR

(dies)

JAMES's dead body somehow leads BRUCE to BRIAN COX who is, you guessed it, FUCKING PREHISTORIC.

INT. BRIAN COX'S LAIR

BRUCE WILLIS

Ah-ha! You must be the guy who's trying to kill me!

BRIAN COX

Why? Because I'm Brian Cox?

BRUCE WILLIS

Exactly. You're always playing the evil bad guy these days.

BRIAN COX

Not this time, Brucie Boy. I'm your Russian ally. I will help you break into the CIA so you can find out who's really trying to kill you.

BRUCE WILLIS

Sweet. This almost makes up for "Chain Reaction" Almost.

INT. CIA HQ

BRUCE sneaks in and finds out the CIA wants him dead because of a mission he did in GUATEMALA or some CONTRIVED CRAP LIKE THAT. Look, it really DOESN'T MATTER, okay? TRUST ME.

BRUCE finds KARL and they FIGHT! This part is so COOL that it makes up for how SILLY and RIDICULOUS the "plot" has been up to now.

INT. HELEN MIRREN'S POSH FLAT

BRUCE meets HELEN MIRREN who is FUCKING CLASSY.

BRUCE WILLIS

Helen, my team of geriatric action stars needs a Sexy GILF.

HELEN MIRREN

Look no further dah'ling, for I am she.

INT. RICHARD DREYFUSS'S MANSION

RICHARD DREYFUSS is involved with the plot SOMEHOW. He is also FUCKING ANCIENT. MORGAN infiltrates RICHARD's security by dressing up as CAPTAIN CRUNCH. Then MORGAN opens A DOOR in RICHARD's office and lets BRUCE in.

MORGAN FREEMAN

The hell? If you could get in that easy why'd I have to play dress-up?

BRUCE WILLIS

You'll find out in a second. But first we need Richard to explain the plot to us.

RICHARD DREYFUSS

The vice president killed a bunch of people in Guatemala and you're the only other person besides me connected with the mission, so the CIA wants you dead.

BRUCE WILLIS

Yes, that makes sense. Very little of it.

RICHARD DREYFUSS

There was a better explanation but you called it "chuffa" and ripped it out of the script.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Now you were saying, Bruce?

BRUCE WILLIS

Right. Sorry Morgan, but when I recruited you I forgot to mention I also needed someone in my team of geriatric action stars to sacrifice themselves.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Why me? Why not Malkovich?

BRUCE WILLIS

Because he's not the token black guy, you are.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Shit, that's right. Why do I always have to play "the black guy"?

BRUCE WILLIS

Beats me.

MORGAN IS KILLED so that BRUCE and his team can ESCAPE, but MARY-LOUISE is taken HOSTAGE by the EVIL CIA.

BRUCE WILLIS

We need to find a replacement for Morgan. Brian, you free?

BRIAN COX

I was planning on having a heart attack later today, but I can reschedule that if you really need me.

BRUCE WILLIS

Welcome to the team.

BRUCE and his team KIDNAP VICE PRESIDENT JULIAN McMAHON, but not before HELEN gets to fire a SHIT LOAD of assault rifles and heavy machine guns, STYLISHLY.

HELEN also GETS SHOT and is very BRITISH about it, but BRIAN rescues her because she is a GIRL, after all.

INT. HOSTAGE EXCHANGE

BRUCE arrives to swap JULIAN for MARY-LOUISE but KARL appears and holds BRUCE at gunpoint.

BRUCE WILLIS

Hey Karl, didn't I give you a major ass kicking a few scenes ago? What happened to all the scars and bruises I gave you?

KARL URBAN

The make-up department forgot to apply them today.

Then RICHARD appears and KILLS JULIAN.

RICHARD DREYFUSS

Ha-zaa! Julian was just a decoy! I was really behind this all along!

BRUCE WILLIS

So my team spent the last 20 minutes kidnapping Julian for no reason?

RICHARD DREYFUSS

Pretty much.

BRUCE WILLIS

(scratches scalp)

Okay, seriously, I don't understand the plot of this movie one fucking bit. Why did you want me dead again?

RICHARD DREYFUSS

Because I hated seeing you in retirement and I really just wanted to see you in action again. Or something like that. Look, what this movie lacks in plot it makes up for in entertainment so just enjoy it, okay?

BRUCE WILLIS

No no no, let's figure this out. So you thought trying to kill the best assassin you had ever seen, kidnapping his girlfriend and generally pissing him off would be a good thing to do? You're sticking to that story?

RICHARD DREYFUSS

Yes.

JOHN MALKOVICH

And I thought I was crazy.

REBECCA PIDGEON

Karl, if you kill Bruce and Mary-Louise you will instantly become head of the CIA, somehow.

KARL URBAN

Great!

(pause)

On second thought, I think I'll join Bruce's team instead.

REBECCA PIDGEON

Are you stupid? Bruce kicked your ass, threatened to kill your family, and made you look like an incompetent imbecile. Plus he's making 50 Cent movies now! Why would you suddenly join him?

KARL URBAN

Because he's still Bruce Motherfucking Willis, that's why.

REBECCA PIDGEON

Shit, I'm about to die aren't I?

KARL KILLS REBECCA while BRUCE KILLS RICHARD with PURE UNADULTERATED MANLINESS.

BRUCE WILLIS

I have rescued Mary-Louise and the bad guys are all dead. I call that a happy ending!

KARL URBAN

How? The Vice President, whom you kidnapped, is dead, Mary-Louise can never go back to her old life, and I killed my CIA boss. Technically we're all very fucked.

BRUCE WILLIS

If we play happy music and all smile happily, maybe we'll trick the audience into not thinking about any of that.

KARL URBAN

That'll never work!

But IT DOES.

END