The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. BRUCE WILLIS' BORING HOUSE
BRUCE WILLIS talks to MARY-LOUISE PARKER on the phone. She is the person responsible for mailing out his PENSION CHECKS because BRUCE is FUCKING OLD.
BRUCE WILLIS
So Mary-Louise, I've been having all of these long boring conversations with you and have been patiently listening to you babble on about your pot growing business for months so I think it's time we met in person and started dating.
MARY-LOUISE PARKER
Okay.
Then ASSASSINS sneak into BRUCE'S house and try to kill him! But BRUCE effortlessly KILLS THEM FIRST despite the fact the he is THE CRYPT KEEPER.
INT. MARY-LOUISE PARKER'S HOUSE
BRUCE breaks in and finds MARY-LOUISE half dressed.
BRUCE WILLIS
I used to work for a shadowy government organization called "The CIA" and now they are trying to kill me. They want to kill you too because they know I have the hots for you, so I'm here to rescue you. And by "rescue" I mean "abduct".
MARY-LOUISE PARKER
Okay.
BRUCE WILLIS
You're taking this very well.
BRUCE KIDNAPS HER, TIES HER UP, DUCT-TAPES her MOUTH and drives her to NEW YORK.
BRUCE WILLIS
I realize this is a bit extreme, but trust me, once you nearly die a few times because of me and get taken hostage by the bad guys, also because of me, you will fall madly in love with me.
MARY-LOUISE PARKER
(through duct tape)
Okay.
INT. BIG EXPENSIVE GLASS HOUSE
KARL URBAN is a COOL and SUAVE CIA ASSASSIN who kills SOME GUY by making it look like a SUICIDE and while calmly talking on the phone with HIS WIFE.
KARL URBAN
Is it just me or is everyone who works for the CIA a cold-blooded murderer these days? Their sociopath quota must be through the roof.
KARL meets with his boss REBECCA PIDGEON.
KARL URBAN
Oh. I didn't realize David Mamet directed this movie.
REBECCA PIDGEON
He didn't.
KARL URBAN
Did he write it?
REBECCA PIDGEON
No.
KARL URBAN
Produced it?
REBECCA PIDGEON
Nope.
KARL URBAN
Then how else did you get this role?
REBECCA PIDGEON
No time to explain. The CIA wants Bruce dead.
KARL URBAN
Then I shall kill him. Suavely.
INT. RETIREMENT HOME
MORGAN FREEMAN lives here because he IS FUCKING OLD. BRUCE appears.
BRUCE WILLIS
Morgan, I'm putting together a team of geriatric action stars and I need a Black Guy. You in?
MORGAN FREEMAN
Word.
MORGAN flips through the COMIC BOOK this film is BASED ON.
MORGAN FREEMAN
Hey, why isn't my character in here?
BRUCE WILLIS
Because the comic is embarrassingly short and everything after the first 15 minutes was made up just for the movie.
MORGAN FREEMAN
But aren't the comic book fanboys going to beat their hairless chests and complain?
BRUCE WILLIS
No one's ever heard of this comic book so nobody cares.
MORGAN FREEMAN
But why would the studio pay for the rights to a comic no one has read?
THE STUDIO
You're right. We're sure this whole comic book fad will die out before long.
Meanwhile, MARY-LOUISE escapes captivity and calls the POLICE, who try to KILL HER, but BRUCE SAVES HER.
BRUCE WILLIS
See? I told you I'm not just a crazy bald old man. You're in love with me now, right?
MARY-LOUISE PARKER
Okay.
KARL arrives. BRUCE WALKS OUT of a FUCKING CAR CRASH and has a 10 SECOND SHOOTOUT with KARL, then BRUCE drives AWAY.
KARL URBAN
Okay since when did they start putting Redbull in the Ensure?
KARL goes to THE PENTAGON to look up information on BRUCE, which leads him to The Record Keeper, ERNEST BORGNINE who has a PATINA.
KARL URBAN
What can you tell me about Bruce?
ERNEST BORGNINE
Despite the fact he's several years past his prime to still be doing action movies?
KARL URBAN
Despite that, yes.
ERNEST BORGNINE
He's still way more badass than you'll ever be, Bones.
KARL URBAN
Well shit.
INT. JOHN MALKOVICH'S UNDERGROUND BOMB SHELTER
BRUCE and MARY-LOUISE visit JOHN MALKOVICH who is A FUCKING DINOSAUR.
BRUCE WILLIS
(looking around)
Wow, this really does look like the kind of place a crazy paranoid schizophrenic would live. The production designer did a fantastic job with this set.
JOHN MALKOVICH
Set?
JOHN MALKOVICH acts like a CRAZY PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIC not unlike JOHN MALKOVICH.
BRUCE WILLIS
John, my geriatric team of action stars needs a Crazy Guy. You in?
JOHN MALKOVICH
(while bottling his own urine and eating his toenails)
I thought you'd never ask!
BRUCE and JOHN go find JAMES REMAR and question him.
BRUCE WILLIS
So James, what can you tell us?
JAMES REMAR
(dies)
JAMES's dead body somehow leads BRUCE to BRIAN COX who is, you guessed it, FUCKING PREHISTORIC.
INT. BRIAN COX'S LAIR
BRUCE WILLIS
Ah-ha! You must be the guy who's trying to kill me!
BRIAN COX
Why? Because I'm Brian Cox?
BRUCE WILLIS
Exactly. You're always playing the evil bad guy these days.
BRIAN COX
Not this time, Brucie Boy. I'm your Russian ally. I will help you break into the CIA so you can find out who's really trying to kill you.
BRUCE WILLIS
Sweet. This almost makes up for "Chain Reaction" Almost.
INT. CIA HQ
BRUCE sneaks in and finds out the CIA wants him dead because of a mission he did in GUATEMALA or some CONTRIVED CRAP LIKE THAT. Look, it really DOESN'T MATTER, okay? TRUST ME.
BRUCE finds KARL and they FIGHT! This part is so COOL that it makes up for how SILLY and RIDICULOUS the "plot" has been up to now.
INT. HELEN MIRREN'S POSH FLAT
BRUCE meets HELEN MIRREN who is FUCKING CLASSY.
BRUCE WILLIS
Helen, my team of geriatric action stars needs a Sexy GILF.
HELEN MIRREN
Look no further dah'ling, for I am she.
INT. RICHARD DREYFUSS'S MANSION
RICHARD DREYFUSS is involved with the plot SOMEHOW. He is also FUCKING ANCIENT. MORGAN infiltrates RICHARD's security by dressing up as CAPTAIN CRUNCH. Then MORGAN opens A DOOR in RICHARD's office and lets BRUCE in.
MORGAN FREEMAN
The hell? If you could get in that easy why'd I have to play dress-up?
BRUCE WILLIS
You'll find out in a second. But first we need Richard to explain the plot to us.
RICHARD DREYFUSS
The vice president killed a bunch of people in Guatemala and you're the only other person besides me connected with the mission, so the CIA wants you dead.
BRUCE WILLIS
Yes, that makes sense. Very little of it.
RICHARD DREYFUSS
There was a better explanation but you called it "chuffa" and ripped it out of the script.
MORGAN FREEMAN
Now you were saying, Bruce?
BRUCE WILLIS
Right. Sorry Morgan, but when I recruited you I forgot to mention I also needed someone in my team of geriatric action stars to sacrifice themselves.
MORGAN FREEMAN
Why me? Why not Malkovich?
BRUCE WILLIS
Because he's not the token black guy, you are.
MORGAN FREEMAN
Shit, that's right. Why do I always have to play "the black guy"?
BRUCE WILLIS
Beats me.
MORGAN IS KILLED so that BRUCE and his team can ESCAPE, but MARY-LOUISE is taken HOSTAGE by the EVIL CIA.
BRUCE WILLIS
We need to find a replacement for Morgan. Brian, you free?
BRIAN COX
I was planning on having a heart attack later today, but I can reschedule that if you really need me.
BRUCE WILLIS
Welcome to the team.
BRUCE and his team KIDNAP VICE PRESIDENT JULIAN McMAHON, but not before HELEN gets to fire a SHIT LOAD of assault rifles and heavy machine guns, STYLISHLY.
HELEN also GETS SHOT and is very BRITISH about it, but BRIAN rescues her because she is a GIRL, after all.
INT. HOSTAGE EXCHANGE
BRUCE arrives to swap JULIAN for MARY-LOUISE but KARL appears and holds BRUCE at gunpoint.
BRUCE WILLIS
Hey Karl, didn't I give you a major ass kicking a few scenes ago? What happened to all the scars and bruises I gave you?
KARL URBAN
The make-up department forgot to apply them today.
Then RICHARD appears and KILLS JULIAN.
RICHARD DREYFUSS
Ha-zaa! Julian was just a decoy! I was really behind this all along!
BRUCE WILLIS
So my team spent the last 20 minutes kidnapping Julian for no reason?
RICHARD DREYFUSS
Pretty much.
BRUCE WILLIS
(scratches scalp)
Okay, seriously, I don't understand the plot of this movie one fucking bit. Why did you want me dead again?
RICHARD DREYFUSS
Because I hated seeing you in retirement and I really just wanted to see you in action again. Or something like that. Look, what this movie lacks in plot it makes up for in entertainment so just enjoy it, okay?
BRUCE WILLIS
No no no, let's figure this out. So you thought trying to kill the best assassin you had ever seen, kidnapping his girlfriend and generally pissing him off would be a good thing to do? You're sticking to that story?
RICHARD DREYFUSS
Yes.
JOHN MALKOVICH
And I thought I was crazy.
REBECCA PIDGEON
Karl, if you kill Bruce and Mary-Louise you will instantly become head of the CIA, somehow.
KARL URBAN
Great!
(pause)
On second thought, I think I'll join Bruce's team instead.
REBECCA PIDGEON
Are you stupid? Bruce kicked your ass, threatened to kill your family, and made you look like an incompetent imbecile. Plus he's making 50 Cent movies now! Why would you suddenly join him?
KARL URBAN
Because he's still Bruce Motherfucking Willis, that's why.
REBECCA PIDGEON
Shit, I'm about to die aren't I?
KARL KILLS REBECCA while BRUCE KILLS RICHARD with PURE UNADULTERATED MANLINESS.
BRUCE WILLIS
I have rescued Mary-Louise and the bad guys are all dead. I call that a happy ending!
KARL URBAN
How? The Vice President, whom you kidnapped, is dead, Mary-Louise can never go back to her old life, and I killed my CIA boss. Technically we're all very fucked.
BRUCE WILLIS
If we play happy music and all smile happily, maybe we'll trick the audience into not thinking about any of that.
KARL URBAN
That'll never work!
But IT DOES.
END