FADE IN:

EXT. EXTREME MOUNTAIN RANGE

LUKE BRACEY and his friend MAX THIERIOT are motorcycling across the peaks.

MAX THIERIOT

Luke, were you really serious about doing this incredibly dangerous motorcross stunt to garner the necessary YouTube hits for our sponsor?

LUKE BRACEY

It's odd that you'd wait until we'd driven up here to ask that, but it did establish the scene nicely! Let's do this!

LUKE and MAX do some MOTORCYCLE STUNTS! Then they do some more MOTORCYCLE STUNTS! Then they do some STUNTS on a MOTORCYCLE. Then MOTORCYCLE STUNTS are done by LUKE and MAX.

EXTREME SPORTS MONTAGE COUNT: 1

MAX THIERIOT

Okay, I think if we do anymore of these the audience is going to fall asleep. Let's get back to our jobs as FBI agents.

LUKE BRACEY

We're not FBI agents, we're professional extreme sports polyathletes, although I'm pretty sure I made that last word up.

MAX THIERIOT

Athletes? But this is an undercover cop film, obviously something's got to motivate you into getting you into-OH SHIT!

(falls off a cliff)

INT. EXTREME FBI OFFICE - SEVEN YEARS LATER

LUKE spends nearly a decade becoming an FBI AGENT instead of AGEING.

DELROY LINDO

Luke, I'm not sure you're ready to become a fully-fledged agent yet!

LUKE BRACEY

Damn. If only there was an assignment that called for all my extremely specific extreme sports skills.

DELROY LINDO

Indeed. But on a completely unrelated note check out this video of a diamond heist. The crooks had no way of driving their motorcycles out of the building, so they all drove out of a forty-story high skyscraper window!

LUKE BRACEY

...How did they get their motorbikes up there?

DELROY LINDO

Shut up. After deploying their parachutes they then dropped all their stolen diamonds onto the people below.

LUKE BRACEY

Diamonds at terminal velocity? Ouch. And that's not even counting the motorcycles.

DELROY LINDO

Yes, but the important thing is that they've been established as vaguely sympathetic, so that you can feel torn about hunting them later on.

LUKE BRACEY

...uh, sir?

DELROY LINDO

(sighing)

That never really becomes a factor, does it?

LUKE BRACEY

Not really, no.

EXT. EXTREME SKIES OF MEXICO

TWO THIEVES sneak out of the floor of a CARRIER PLANE.

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

Why are we working so hard to keep our faces covered? It's not like we make a big reveal of our identities later on.

PROBABLY TOBIAS SANTELMANN. OR MAYBE MATIAS VALERA?

Oh, our stuntmen do half the acting anyway. Why not this scene too?

EDGAR RAMIREZ

Good point. Here, help me push all this money out of the plane.

The THIEVES and the MONEY go WINGSUIT FLYING! And they WINGSUIT FLY some more. Then they continue to WINGSUIT FLY.

EXTREME SPORTS MONTAGE COUNT: 2

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

Okay, all snarking aside, watching us fly through a billowing cloud of money is legitimately awesome.

PROBABLY TOBIAS SANTELMANN

Yes, it's probably the only time in the film where we do anything creative with the "extreme sports montage" scene.

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

Naturally, as it's the best scene action scene, it's also the shortest!

(opens parachute)

The MONEY lands on a IMPOVERISHED MEXICAN VILLAGE.

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

Wow, we must be fucking geniuses to know exactly where to drop millions of dollars onto a small village from more than a mile up. And from a speeding plane.

PROBABLY TOBIAS SANTELMANN

Yeah, I'm glad there's nothing known as "air currents". Now that we've taken extreme pains to establish ourselves as modern day Robin Hoods, let's never do anything like that again.

INT. EXTREME FBI OFFICE

LUKE BRACEY

These robberies are the work of extreme sports polyathletes! They're trying to complete obscure set of extreme sports challenges called the Osaki 8!

FBI OFFICIAL

I don't understand. What do these robberies have to do with completing the Osaki 8?

LUKE BRACEY

I don't know.

(beat)

No, really that's my actual response.

FBI OFFICIAL

What even makes you think these are the same burglars? These heists took place on different continents!

LUKE BRACEY

Well, a few months ago a lumber mill was burnt down, and that lumber mill was close to a river! People can go white-water rafting on rivers!

FBI OFFICIAL

WOW. That is the biggest leap in logic since...I can't even remember.

DELROY LINDO

I'm convinced! Luke, I thought you weren't fit to become an FBI agent because you couldn't let go of the extreme sports life. But your willingness to jump back into the extreme sports life has me convinced you're sincere!

LUKE BRACEY

Great! Send me into the field as an undercover agent!

DELROY LINDO

Um, no. You're a world-famous extreme sports star. Every extreme sports fan you meet in this film recognizes you, seven years on. I'm sure some special interest magazine or website or whatever has reported that you've thrown it all away to become a cop.

LUKE BRACEY

Hey, it makes more sense to have an extreme sports athlete infiltrate an extreme sports gang than the original film's plot of a non-surfer infiltrating a surf gang.

DELROY LINDO

...Dammit, you're right. You go off and go wherever you want to catch these guys.

LUKE BRACEY

I just thought of something. These were international robberies. So instead of hoping I'll randomly bump into the crooks at the Los Angeles surf scene, you're hoping I'll randomly bump into these guys somewhere at EVERY POSSIBLE THRILL-SEEKING LOCATION ON THE PLANET.

DELROY LINDO

I know. How did this remake lose all of the original's cheesiness and yet still become ten times more ridiculous?

EXT. SOMEWHERE OFF THE COAST OF FRANCE (BUT EXTREME!)

LUKE and field agent RAY WINSTONE sail out in a MOTORBOAT.

RAY WINSTONE

What exactly are we doing out here?

LUKE BRACEY

Well, the next Osaki 8 stunt has to do with water, and there's an extremely rare, extremely dangerous wave phenomenon coming up around here, so I thought I'd ask the FBI for an expensive trip to France and see what happens.

(shrugs)

RAY WINSTONE

But every single "related" incident so far has been a multimillion heist. What could there possibly be to steal in the middle of the ocean, outside of any shipping lanes?

LUKE BRACEY

Honestly I haven't put any thought into it. My biggest concern is finding this wave, which is as we've said is an extraordinarily rare, oh there it is.

LUKE and RAY watch some thrill-seekers do some SURFING! Then they do some more SURFING! Then there's more SURFING! And there's some more SURFING after that! Then there's more SURFING! And more SURFING! SURFING!!! SURFING!!!!!!!

EXTREME SPORTS MONTAGE COUNT: 3

LUKE BRACEY

Why would anyone pay money to see this movie when they could watch half of it for free by walking into any surf store and looking at the display TVs?

RAY WINSTONE

What next?

LUKE BRACEY

Next I go surfing with over a hundred strangers and I hope that one of them accidently tells me they're a jewel thief.

RAY WINSTONE

You're joking. How could that possibly work? Was this all so you could have a surfing vacation?

LUKE BRACEY

Well, better get to it.

(climbs onto surfboard)

RAY WINSTONE

Wait!

LUKE BRACEY

What?

RAY WINSTONE

This is the first time you've gotten back into the extreme sports world, seven years after the traumatic death that yanked you out of it. Aren't you going to pause for at least second to reflect on-

LUKE BRACEY

(paddling up wave)

COWABUNGA DUDE!!!

We get an extended scene of LUKE surfing, because it's not like we've had far too many SHOTS OF PEOPLE SURFING, no sir. Eventually he wipes out and is rescued by...

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

Hey, welcome to the party boat. Meet my lackeys.

TOBIAS SANTELMANN

Hey, I do extreme sports. I don't like you.

CLEMENS SCHICK

I also do extreme sports and I also don't like you.

MATIAS VALERA

I do extreme sports too, and I, er...

(mumbling)

I also don't like you.

LUKE BRACEY

Okay, is there ANY personality difference between you lackeys?

CLEMENS SCHICK

Hey, I have a thicker beard than the other two!

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

In fairness to you guys, I also do extreme sports and hate Luke. I just stand out more because I get the most dialogue.

LUKE BRACEY

Why do you hate me? Is it because you had to miss that only-once-in-every-few-years wave to save me?

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

No, I explicitly say that's not it. It's because while you didn't fear the wave, I could tell you also didn't respect it.

LUKE BRACEY

...what the hell does that even mean?

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

I have no idea. Actually, now that I think about it, I never really watched you surf at all. You were surfing behind me the entire time.

TERESA PALMER

Hey, you forgot to introduce me!

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

Ah yes, the fifth member of the group. Although it would be incredibly easy for her take part in our adrenaline-charged activities since everything we do is done by faceless stuntmen anyway, for some reason the screenwriters won't let her.

LUKE BRACEY

So she's little more than a groupie. Yay.

TERESA PALMER

I also speak mostly in New Age quotes!

LUKE BRACEY

Excellent. We are in love now.

EXT. PARIS - LATE AT NIGHT (ALSO EXTREME!)

LUKE and RAY pull up outside an ABANDONED BUILDING.

RAY WINSTONE

Okay, your little surfing trip didn't come up with anything. I'm sending you back to the U.S.

LUKE BRACEY

Oh come on, let me investigate these guys a little longer!

RAY WINSTONE

What possible evidence do you have that these are your guys?

LUKE BRACEY

Édgar said he was "searching for something".

RAY WINSTONE

That could literally be anything! Hey, come back here!

LUKE enters the BUILDING.

LUKE BRACEY

Let's see...greenish tinge...almost but not quite chiaroscuro lighting...shirtless men beating each other up late at night...oh no, I've walked into "Fight Club"!

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

You! You've got to fistfight me!

LUKE BRACEY

Why?

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

If this is your first night at Fight Club, you HAVE to fight. BECAUSE REASONS!!!

LUKE BRACEY

(getting beaten up)

So will this let me into your close circle of friends?

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

No! You let your friend's death control the course of your life, so I have no respect for you!

(beat)

Yeah, okay.

EXT. EXTEME FRENCH ALPS!

LUKE and ÉDGAR'S GANG climb a mountain to complete the next task.

LUKE BRACEY

So Edgar, do you really believe that completing the Ozaki 8 will give you enlightenment?

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

Pfft! I'm not here for something as selfish as enlightenment. I'm trying to call attention to the world's beauty.

LUKE BRACEY

...how? We're not recording this next stunt, and you won't try to publicise anything in anyway for the rest of the movie.

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

This is about giving back, returning something to the environment...

LUKE BRACEY

And wingsuit flying does this how?

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

These extreme sports we're going to do are about letting go of our selfish desires.

LUKE BRACEY

And coincidently cover all of your expensive hobbies. Got it.

They go WINGSUIT FLYING! Then they do some more WINGSUIT FLYING! And then some more WINGSUIT FLYING! Followed by some more WINGSUIT FLYING! WINGSUIT FLYING!!! WINGSUIT!!! FLYING!!!!!!

EXTREME SPORTS MONTAGE COUNT: 4

LUKE BRACEY

(wingsuit flying)

Did a bunch of sports stock footage fall on top of a Wikipedia plot summary? Is that how this movie got made?

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

(wingsuit flying)

Shut up, and enjoy the awesome!

LUKE BRACEY

(still wingsuit flying)

By the way, what happened to the whole "Robin Hood" aspect to your stunts? Did we just suddenly abandon the reason the plot exists?

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

(still wingsuit flying)

We couldn't do our crimes in front of someone we barely know, could we?

LUKE BRACEY

(still wingsuit flying, when is the wingsuit flying ever going to end?)

Then why bring me at all? Why derail your globe-spanning, multimillion dollar crime spree?

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

(wingsuit flying now and for eternity)

Oh, you'll get a reason. A horrible, horrible reason.

An AGE passes. After the OCEANS dry up and HELL freezes over they stop WINGSUIT FLYING.

MATIAS VALERA

Luke, I must have gone thrill-seeking with hundreds of people over the years, but after wingsuit flying with you once I now respect you.

TOBIAS SANTELMANN AND CLEMENS SCHICK

And since none of Édgar's friends have any difference in personality, we now respect you as well.

TERESA PALMER

Hey there! I'm still in the movie!

(waves to camera)

EXT. EXTREME MOUNTAIN RANGE! (ACTUALLY THE THIRD EXTEME MOUNTAIN RANGE SO FAR IN THIS MOVIE)

LUKE and ÉDGAR'S GANG climb a mountain to complete the next task.

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

Wait, does this seem familiar to anyone?

LUKE BRACEY

Ooh, I can't wait to see what the reaction to this back at FBI headquarters. Still no evidence and my third expensive sports trip.

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

Okay, montage time. But let's break up the monotony a bit by having a sport we haven't tried before.

They go SNOWBOARDING! Then they go SNOWBOARDING! And after that they do some more SNOWBOARDING! SNOWBOARDING!!!

EXTREME SPORTS MONTAGE COUNT: 5

TOBIAS SANTELMANN

Well thank goodness that was shorter than the other montag-

LUKE BRACEY

Hey guys! This is the perfect time to have another snowboarding montage!

EXTREME SPORTS MONTAGE COUNT: 6

TOBIAS SANTELMANN

Okay. NOW we're done with the snowboar-

LUKE BRACEY

YEAH!! MORE SNOWBOARDING!!!

TOBIAS SANTELMANN

But we just had two-

EXTREME SPORTS MONTAGE COUNT: 7

LUKE BRACEY

Let's go for another montage!

TOBIAS SANTELMANN

NO! NO! NO!

(throws self off cliff)

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

NOOOO! Not Tobias!

(beat)

Which is what I'd say if his death had any effect on the movie at all!

CLEMENS SCHICK

Tobias who?

They all retreat to an EXTREME MOUNTAIN LODGE.

LUKE BRACEY

Hey does anyone want to hear about how my I got my nickname "Johnny Utah"? That's right, "Johnny Utah" is just a nickname in this version. It's so weird what a movie that began with driving motorcycles off a skyscraper dressed as President Obama considers too cheesy.

TERSA PALMER

Cool! I'll tell you the story behind Édgar's motivations! He was a friend of Ono Ozaki, the man who completed the Ozaki 8! But after Ozaki was murdered, Édgar resolved to complete the eight challenges for him!

LUKE BRACEY

Wasn't Édgar's sole reason for hating me that I let my entire life's direction revolve around my friend's tragic death?

TERSA PALMER

Yes. And now we must have sex, because I am the sole female character and that is Movie Law.

EXT. EXTREME GOLD MINE!

LUKE and ÉDGAR'S GANG peer over the edge of a HUGE QUARRY.

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

Bastards. Look at all the large holes they've made in Mother Nature.

LUKE BRACEY

What are we gonna do about it?

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

(pulls out dynamite)

Blow even more holes in Mother Nature, of course!

LUKE BRACEY

Whoa! Settle down! A few days ago you hated me and after a snowboarding trip you suddenly trust me enough with a mass murder scheme?

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

Hey, my early schemes helped the poor and now I explicitly want to bury these blue-collar mine workers alive. I'm complicated!

LUKE BRACEY

(pulls out gun)

I can't let you do that! Freeze! FBI!

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

Oh no, our week-old friendship!

ÉDGAR manages to set off the EXPLOSIVES, starting a LANDSLIDE everyone has to outrun on DIRTBIKES.

EXTREME SPORTS MONTAGE COUNT: 8

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

Dammit, Luke and I have crashed. Better make my escape.

LUKE BRACEY

Stop!

(aims gun at Édgar)

I can't do it!

(fires into the air)

RAAARGH!!!

(beat)

Dammit, I can't take this scene seriously again after it got parodied by "Hot Fuzz". Damn you Nick Frost!

INT. EXTREME MAKESHIFT FBI BASE! - SOMEWHERE IN ITALY

DELROY LINDO

Goddammit Luke, you were supposed to be hunting them not helping them!

LUKE BRACEY

What? That is blatantly untrue. The moment I knew for sure that they were criminals I pulled a gun on them!

RAY WINSTONE

You got too close to the suspects!

LUKE BRACEY

No, I just got back from threatening to shoot them. You don't even know about the "firing into the air". Seriously, what has gotten into you two?

DELROY LINDO

We're trying to replay the emotional beats of the original "Point Break" without actually earning them.

RAY WINSTONE

Doesn't matter now. We've frozen their assets. They're good as stopped.

LUKE BRACEY

...you do know they've pulled off several multimillion dollar heists right?

RAY WINSTONE

Good as stopp-

LUKE BRACEY

Where's the nearest open bank?

FBI OFFICIAL

There's one just over there.

(chuckles)

But it's surrounded by sheer cliff faces! How could they possibly escape? Parachute off them like they've done multiple times before?

LUKE rushes to the BANK to apprehend ÉDGAR but ends up accidently killing TERSA PALMER.

TERSA PALMER

(dying)

Fuck, the one time they let me actually do something.

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

And your death will have as much impact as Tobias's, I'm sure.

LUKE BRACEY

This is all your fault you asshole!

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

Hey, I didn't have to let you into my schemes. We all knew you were a cop. I only brought you on-board to almost certainly fuckup all our plans to save your soul!

LUKE BRACEY

But you wanted to crush those goldmine truck drivers in a landslide. Great plan!

SUDDENLY, a VECHICLE rushes in front of ÉDGAR, and when it passes he's gone!

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

(whispering)

I'm Jason Bourne.

EXT. EXTREME AMAZON RAINFORSET!

ÉDGAR and MATIAS are climbing a CLIFFACE.

MATIAS VALERA

Wait, where's Clemens?

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

He died in the bank robbery. Another death no one noticed or cared about.

MATIAS VALERA

A pointless death huh? Sounds good to me!

(falls off cliff)

LUKE appears!

LUKE BRACEY

Édgar this ends now!

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

But I'm halfway through rock-climbing this cliff so we're gonna have a...

ROCK-CLIMB OFF!

EXTREME SPORTS MONTAGE COUNT: 9

ÉDGAR escapes by leaping off a nearby WATERFALL.

LUKE BRACEY

Ugh, that's the third time I've let him escape. I really suck at this.

EXT. EXTREME PATCH OF OCEAN! - SEVENTEEN MONTHS LATER.

LUKE finds ÉDGAR about to commit suicide by SURFING.

LUKE BRACEY

Don't do it Édgar!

ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ

Why not? Dying in the same wave phenomenon where we first met has a sense of poetry about it. And this is the last Osaki 8 task! Dying to grant all my dead friends' last wishes is much more poignant than the first Bodhi's death "just because".

LUKE BRACEY

You've got a point there.

ÉDGAR surfs to his death, thankfully not in a montage.

EXT. EXTREME MOUNTAIN RANGE!...YET AGAIN.

LUKE is about to go SNOWBOARDING.

LUKE BRACEY

Well, at least my experience taught me to stop living in fear and embrace the sports I love. Of course, I've been embracing the sports I love the entire movie but don't ruin this for me!

The CREDITS roll beside what you haven't seen before: EXTREME SPORTS MONATGES!

EXTREME SPORTS MONTAGE COUNT: FUCK THIS, I'M OUT.