FADE IN:

EXT. THE OCEAN FLOOR

The camera pans through the DEEP BLUE SEA to reveal a NUCLEAR-POWERED DEADLY UNDERWATER WEAPON with STEEL SKIN and a SMOOTH, ROUNDED DOME. But then the camera moves past JASON STATHAM to reveal a BADLY DAMAGED NUCLEAR SUBMARINE! JASON'S RESCUE TEAM docks their RESCUE SUB to it and heads inside!

JASON STATHAM

I'm so glad this team includes Dr. Robert Taylor here, plus my old friends Marks and D'Angelo!

MARKS AND D'ANGELO

(wave to camera)

They set about gathering injured sailors when something HITS the sub causing its HULL to BUCKLE!

JASON STATHAM

Shit! Abort mission!

(returns to rescue craft)

Did you copy that, Marks and D'Angelo?! You gotta get back here so I can close the connective hatch!!

MARKS AND D'ANGELO

(over radio)

We're in trouble Jason! We can't reach-

(static)

JASON STATHAM

Marks and D'Angelo!! Come in, Marks and D'Angelo!! Dammit, Marks and D'Angelo, it can't end like this! We've been through too much together, Marks and D'Angelo!!!

There is... NO ANSWER! Grimly JASON closes the HATCH and ALMOST IMMEDIATELY the nuclear sub COMPLETELY FUCKING EXPLODES which pretty definitively establishes that JASON made the right call, it's 1,001% clear that waiting even a few more seconds would have killed everyone on the rescue craft so--

ROBERT TAYLOR

GOD DAMMIT WHAT HAVE YOU DONE JASON STATHAM, YOU HORRIBLE MURDERING SHIT

PITCHFORK MOB

(underwater)

YES, DAMN YOU JASON STATHAM, DAMN YOUUUUUBLUBBLUBBLUB

JASON STATHAM

(scrunches brow)

INT. DEEP SEA RESEARCH PLATFORM, 200 MILES FROM THE CHINA COAST -- YEARS LATER

ECCENTRIC INFINITYIONNAIRE RAINN WILSON arrives at the research facility and is greeted by SCIENTIST WINSTON CHAO.

WINSTON CHAO

Welcome Rainn! First, thank you again for funding this amazing facility, though I must say calling it "MANA ONE" has meant fielding a lot of wrong numbers from both Magic the Gathering fans and Donald Trump.

RAINN WILSON

Yeah, sorry about that. So what other characters are on this rig?

WINSTON CHAO

Ah but of course! Allow me to introduce my daughter, oceanographer Li Bingbing, and HER 8-year-old daughter, Sophia Cai.

RAINN WILSON

Cool, I like the family angle. So is it time for sharknanigans yet? Because-

WINSTON CHAO

And in this control room we have technician Ruby Rose, resident not-LL-Cool-J Page Kennedy, veteran character actor Cliff Curtis, and here's Dr. Robert Taylor again!

RAINN WILSON

We certainly are meeting lots of characters...

WINSTON CHAO

OH WE'RE NOT EVEN DONE! We're about to do a deep dive expedition featuring Jessica McNamee, Masi "Heroes" Oka, and Olafur Darri Olafsson because how do you NOT hire a guy with such an awesome name.

RAINN WILSON

Right, this is based on a series of books, isn't it. I forgot. Well I guess that means tons of shark food for later!

RUBY ROSE

You'd think so. Anyway Jessica's team is JUST ABOUT to dive through what everyone thinks is the sea floor, but WE think is actually a membrane with more sea underneath!

RAINN WILSON

Interesting theory. Which you've already tested with probes or rovers, right? Or at least, y'know, dropped a rock through it?

CLIFF CURTIS

Nah, that wouldn't work. We're going straight to sending three human beings! Though we sent a rover WITH them just to rub it in that we could have sent rovers first.

EXT. UNDER THE SEA-FLOOR, UNDER THE SEA-FLOOR, DARLING IT'S MAY-HEM DOWN WHERE THERE'S STA-THAM, TAKE IT FROM ME-FLOOR

JESSICA and MASI and OLAFUR breach the membrane and enter A WHOLE NEW WORLD, A DAZZLING PLACE WE NEVER KNEW!

JESSICA MCNAMEE

My God, it's an undiscovered, self-contained ecosystem. A secret canopy of life that's evolved to thrive with almost zero light. As such, they would be highly sensitive to it so SWITCH ON ALL THE FLOODLIGHTS GUYS, BATHE THESE WONDERFUL ORGANISMS IN BEAUTIFUL PAINFUL LIGHT

MASI OKA

HAHA, EAT SHIT YOU DUMBASS FUCKING LIGHT-SENSITIVE FISH hey wait, something hit us!

JESSICA MCNAMEE

Fuck! Jason was right! It IS possible to be bumped by something when unknown life forms are all around you! We never should have doubted him about anything ever!!

OLAFUR DARRI OLAFSSON

Well, not about FISH maybe, but I still question whether Mechanic 2 was necessary, y'know? I only mean that

INT. MANA ONE

Before OLAFUR can elaborate, the CONTROL ROOM dramatically loses contact with JESSICA'S SUB!

RUBY ROSE

Dammit! We lost the audio-video signal!! But we still have readouts of their vital signs, and complete diagnostics of the subs, because those are sent by, um, true love.

PAGE KENNEDY

They've only got 18 hours of air left, which is JUST ENOUGH time to go get ONE PERSON exactly as far away as, oh let's say, Jason Statham is! What to do?!?

(dramatic look to camera)

EXT. THAILAND

Meanwhile in Thailand JASON STATHAM is drinking lots of HEINEKEN BEER! Bottle after bottle of crisp, refreshing Heineken which might as well be FUCKING TAP WATER because if JASON STATHAM wants to get drunk he chugs TEN GALLONS OF PURE FUCKING ABSYNTHE MIXED WITH LIGHTER FLUID AND INDUSTRIAL BLEACH BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT FUCKING WELL TAKES OKAY. Anyway WINSTON and CLIFF arrive to try and persuade him to help.

JASON STATHAM

I dunno mates. I don't want to get mixed up in some kind of schlockfest.

CLIFF CURTIS

Dammit Jason, YOUR EX-WIFE IS DOWN THERE, shit I literally heard the audience groan when I said that.

JASON STATHAM

That's what I mean, are we really gonna sink into that cliched bullshit of the hero desperately re-uniting with his ex, our complex history magically cleared up after a few narrow escapes?

WINSTON CHAO

Surprisingly, no!

JASON STATHAM

Shit really?! Okay I'll do it.

INT. JESSICA'S SUB

Meanwhile, after tense hours of fucking around with wires OLAFUR manages to bring the computer systems BACK ON LINE along with ALL THE FLOODLIGHTS and QUAD SPEAKERS BLASTING PHAT DUBSTEP TRACKS and 3-D SHARK-PORN PROJECTORS!

THE MEG

(smashes sub to shit some more)

MASI OKA

HEY Y'KNOW WHAT I THINK THE WHOLE HAVING-LIGHTS-ON THING IS KIND OF BACKFIRING ON US

JESSICA MCNAMEE

Masi's right, shut off all the lights! Kill the music! Everyone keep still! Especially me since I now have shrapnel sticking out of my gut. Oopsie.

(passes out)

INT. MANA ONE

RUBY ROSE

Oh no, they took more damage! NOW they only have enough oxygen for us to immediately attempt a rescue! But can Jason get here... in time?!?

(dramatic look to camera)

LI BINGBING

Fuck waiting! This whole movie would still be in development hell without China's Gravity Studios pitching in, so I get to be important too!

BINGBING rushes to her funky cool A-WING JETSUB and launches! As she descends, JASON finally arrives on board.

CLIFF CURTIS

Every second is critical but first you need to do a complete physical exam, I think you know our doctor-

ROBERT TAYLOR

GOD DAMMIT WHAT HAVE YOU DONE JASON STATHAM, YOU HORRIBLE MURDERING SHIT

PITCHFORK MOB

(still underwater)

BLRRBBB BLUBB FUCK YOU BLUBBB

JASON STATHAM

(blinks)

Fuck that noise! I'm grabbing a jetsub and descending super fast without proper pressurization, OR even queuing up a playlist first, AW YEAH IT'S STATHAM TIME

(jumps into sub)

RUBY ROSE

That's crazy Jason, you'll get the bends!

JASON STATHAM

(plummeting towards sea floor)

JASON STATHAM DOESN'T GET THE BENDS, THE BENDS GET JASON STATHAM

(sends royalty cheque to Chuck Norris)

EXT. SEA SUB-FLOOR

Meanwhile LI BINGBING has breached the membrane only to have a GIANT SQUID attack and jam her LIGHTSWITCH into the "ON" position!!

LI BINGBING

Fuck, I knew ordering the calamari would come back to bite me somehow!! Now the Meg's coming right at me, I'm a goner!

JASON STATHAM

Not yet! I'm here in the nick of time, I can reflect YOUR lights off my head to lure it away!

(does so)

THE MEG

YUM YUM, GONNA EAT THIS THING INCHES FROM MY FACE--HEY WHAT'S THAT?! ANOTHER THING FURTHER OFF?? WELL FUCK BETTER CHANGE COURSE LAST-SECOND, I MEAN, WHY WOULD I WANT TO EAT TWO THINGS AMIRITE

BINGBING manages to float her damaged ship upwards while JASON races to JESSICA'S DAMAGED SUB. He joins the HATCHES but JESSICA'S HATCH is jammed!

JASON STATHAM

Now to show off the unique specialized expertise which made me the one and only person for the job.

(bashes broken hatch into submission)

There we go.

JASON gets JESSICA and OLAFUR out of the damaged sub, but THE MEG closes in just as it's MASI OKA'S turn to escape!

MASI OKA

If I try to make it I'll doom us all! Must make the SECOND tough hatch-related-choice of the movie!

(closes hatch above him)

FAREWELL! TELL KURT RUSSELL AND EXECUTIVE DECISION I LOVE THEMMMMMM

THE MEG CHOMPS the SUB and it EXPLODES, KILLING MASI and also FAILING TO BOTHER THE MEG EVEN A TEENY BIT!!

INT. MANA ONE

JESSICA is rushed safely out of the story and EVERYONE ELSE debates what to do next.

RAINN WILSON

Bla bla scientific find of the century we must keep it to ourselves bla bla

JASON STATHAM

Bla bla bla don't fuck with Nature it'll fuck you back bla bla bla

But just then a FAINT VIBRATION passes through the conference room, a minor phenomenon with any number of possible causes.

LI BINGBING

MY DAUGHTER IS IN TROUBLE!

(rushes out)

JASON STATHAM

Fuck that's some quality Mom-radar. C'mon!

(rushes out)

They go to the UNDERWATER TUBE LEVEL and find SOPHIA CAI trembling next to a WINDOW with BITE MARKS!

SOPHIA CAI

I don't understand, I was just playing with my glowy-light ball in my glowy-light shoes in this light-filled corridor while drinking Bud Light and listening to "Flashlight" by Parliament and suddenly this giant shark--

JASON STATHAM

It must be The Meg! But I thought it couldn't get through the membrane! That'd be insane! Insane in the brain!

LI BINGBING

It must have swum through the hole we briefly created when our jetsubs went through. I mean there's no OTHER way a zillion-pound death machine that bodyslams nuclear submarines and shrugs off exploding food could possibly withstand a temperature differential, right?!?

JASON STATHAM

Damn, and now it could be anywhere! Hey I wonder if that baby whale outside has seen it.

BABY WHALE

(adorably)

nope! i'm just looking for my mommy, is this a heartwarming disney-style take of reunion maybe? i noticed some references earlier...

(bats eyelashes)

THE MEG

(eating baby whale!!!)

MORE LIKE BAMBI MEETS GODZILLA FUCKWANG, NOM NOM NOM

(to tune of "Gaston")

NOOOO... ONEEEE... BITES LIKE THE MEG, CHASES LIGHTS LIKE THE MEG, NO-ONE TAKES YOUR FILM TO PULPY HEIGHTS LIKE THE MEG! I HAVE SHARP TEETH FOR ALL OF MY MAAAAA-STICAAA-TING--

(looks around)

HEY WHERE'D EVERYONE GO, HMPH, UNAPPRECIATIVE PEASANTS

(swims off)

Meanwhile JASON, BINGBING, and SOPHIA have raced back upstairs!

CLIFF CURTIS

(points to radar)

The Meg is leaving a trail of destroyed boats behind it. Over here is the most recent group of completely annihilated boats. So my plan is, we head over there in a boat.

JASON STATHAM

(scrunches brow)

EXT. THE OPEN OCEAN

Our heroes reach the wreckage and find pieces of BOATS and HUMANS all over!

WINSTON CHAO

Don't waste your tears. These boats were all crewed by shark-fin hunters, whale hunters, and House Hunters (International), fuck those assholes.

PAGE KENNEDY

Jason, you gotta swim out there and use this harpoon gun to put a tracker on the Meg, okay? Then we can follow and eventually shoot this lethal poison into it.

JASON STATHAM

How about I shoot it with poison in the first place?

RUBY ROSE

Nah, that won't work. Just remember to swim super calmly so the Meg doesn't notice you.

JASON is attached to a TOW LINE and swims smoothly and gracefully out to where THE MEG is circling.

JASON STATHAM

Oh hey this is working really well.

(shoots tracker into the Meg's fin)

Looks like as long as we're methodical and careful, we can do whatever we like in safety. Nice.

RUBY ROSE

WELL FUCK THAT, GOTTA KEEP THE THRILLS COMING SO LET'S WINCH JASON BACK SUPER FAST WITH LOTS OF SPLASHING ABOUT OKAY!!! ALSO DRAG HIM SIDE-TO-SIDE A BIT AND ACTIVATE PINBALL-TILT JUKEBOX MODE!!!

JASON STATHAM

(being pulled in at 80 mph)

BLRRBBBBPPPBBBB DOESN'T GET PULLED IN BLRBRBBRPPRBB GETS BLBBBRBRBBBB

JASON comes within INCHES of being EATEN but gets back to the boat okay!

LI BINGBING

Okay NOW we can shoot the Meg with poison. I'll use our special new shark cage that has nice clear polymer to film through, none of those pesky metal bars getting in the camera's way. And it has to be me in the cage, since only I have the specialized shark knowledge to know where its weakest spots are.

JASON STATHAM

Are the weak spots its eyes and mouth? Like every animal ever?

LI BINGBING

Okay yes. BUT this is 2018, women kick ass too now! It's not all up to one hunky dude while the rest of us sit aside and quiver uselessly!

(pause)

Plus there's all that Chinese funding I mentioned earlier.

JASON STATHAM

Eh, you had me at "ass". Off you go.

LI BINGBING

(lowered into ocean)

Okay Meg, I'm ready for you! I'm checking to the left, AND to the right. In front of me AND behind. I've got all possible angles covered in all TWO dimensions, heh heh heh. No WAY are you sneaking up on... wait a sec, "up"... aw shit.

Sure enough THE MEG charges UPWARDS from UNDERNEATH BINGBING!! She POISON-STABS the MEG but it grabs the CAGE in its mouth and SHAKES it VIOLENTLY!!

LI BINGBING

(bounced around cage)

Damn you, let it go! Let it gooo!!

(mask breaks)

Shit, I can't breathe any-mooore!

(begins drowning)

CLIFF CURTIS

Oh crap, the line to the cage is wreaking havoc all over the boat! And I think some of us got knocked overboard, let me quickly make some saving throws to see which-

JASON STATHAM

NO TIME FOR THAT! The Meg finally let go, turned away and slammed the door, I've gotta get down there!

JASON dives in and gets BINGBING out of the cage just as THE MEG circles round and spots them! It CHARGES--but catches its FIN on a stray cable, abruptly stopping only ONE-MILLIONTH OF A NANOMETRE AWAY from eating them!! As it thrashes, the POISON finally takes effect, and THE MEG... becomes still. JASON gets BINGBING back on board and revives her in a tense, suspenseful sequence that FOOLS NOBODY!

LI BINGBING

(coughing)

What... what happened?

JASON STATHAM

Meg's dead, baby. Meg's dead.

LI BINGBING

Really? Here I thought this shark-hunt scenario would last till the end of the movie, saving us the trouble of setting up new scenarios.

JASON STATHAM

Yeah I thought that about the shark-attacking-the-station scenario. And the sub-seafloor-rescue scenario. Guess I've seen too many bad straight-to-DVD movies.

LI BINGBING

SEEN too many, right. That's it.

OLAFUR DARRI OLAFSSON

Look everyone, we've strung up the dead Meg to take wacky photos with, which always goes super well! Who's first?

JASON STATHAM

(scrunches brow)

Hey Bingbing take a look at this. I checked this Meg's IMDB page and I'm getting Agnes of God, Bomb Girls, Psycho II, Big Chill... those are Meg Tilly credits.

LI BINGBING

But the tooth marks back at the station matched up with Kate & Leopold, Sleepless in Seattle, and City of Angels!! That means-

BIGGER GIANTER MEGA-MEG

(leaping from water)

RAAWWWWRRRR HEY ASSHOLES YOU'VE GOT MAAAAIIIL

The MEGA-MEG TOTALLY DEMOLISHES THE ENTIRE BOAT, oh and EATS OLAFUR!! Most of our heroes scramble onto the overturned hull except for--

RUBY ROSE

Shit! Me and Robert are still in the water, and the Mega-Meg sees us!

ROBERT TAYLOR

And I have an unfinished redemption arc, fuck!! That means I gotta sacrifice myself... HEY, OVER HERE! THIS WAY, YOU HORRIBLE MURDERING SHARK

PITCHFORK MOB

BLRBBB BLBB OVER HEEEEREBLBBB

RUBY ROSE

Um we're close enough together that it could eat us BOTH in one bite but okay...

(swims)

The MEGA-MEG gobbles up ROBERT and the PITCHFORK MOB allowing RUBY to reach the boat!

JASON STATHAM

Right. We're stranded out here, stuck on a piece of debris as the Mega-Meg circles in for the kill. It's gonna take all our cunning to reach the end of the movie alive-

CLIFF CURTIS

It's okay, I got the zodiacs! We can leave.

JASON STATHAM

Oh. So now we begin our desperate race to safety, the Mega-Meg ruthlessly chasing us, picking us off one by-

RAINN WILSON

It's okay, I used my sat phone to call in a helicopter! They've distracted Mega-Meg and we're safe.

JASON STATHAM

What the fuck is it with all this problem solving? Jesus Christ. Trying to make a movie here.

LI BINGBING

If it makes you feel better my Dad, Winston, was mortally wounded during the attack and he just died. It was all emotional and stuff.

JASON STATHAM

Good work, that'll tide us over for a bit.

INT. BACK AT MANA ONE STATION

RAINN calls a meeting of all the surviving characters.

RAINN WILSON

I've decided to go against my stereotype and do the responsible thing. I've alerted the authorities, the military, Stargate Atlantis, everyone I could think of. Our job is done here and I guess the movie's over.

PAGE KENNEDY

Uh-huh.

(raises eyebrows)

RAINN WILSON

HAHA JUST KIDDING I'M STILL A SELFISH ASSHOLE. I haven't told anyone and I'm going after the Mega-Meg with my own personal team of

(dead)

RUBY ROSE

Fuck! At least Rainn's team got a tracker on it before they all died. Let's see where it's... oh shit, it just noticed the huge crowded beach full of people that's been there the whole time. Not good.

LI BINGBING

I can lure the Mega-Meg away with my recordings of whalesong! But let's not get there TOO quick, we owe the audience some decent shark mayhem first.

EXT. SANYA BAY BEACH, CHINA

As throngs of WACKY AFFLUENT CHINESE PEOPLE frolic above, the MEGA-MEG spends some time swimming beneath them, looming menacingly, and generally making good PROMOTIONAL STILLS for the film.

MEGA-MEG

OKAY WE'RE GOOD? RIGHT THEN, HI-HO, HI-HO, IT'S OFF TO CHOMP I GO

(attacks!)

SWIMMER #1

(being eaten)

AAAAARRGH, SAVE ME IAN ZIERING

SWIMMER #2

(being eaten)

HEY THIS ISN'T Z-GRADE SHARKNADO BULLSHIT ASSHOLE, THIS IS PROPER B-LEVEL BULLSHIT, SHOW SOME RESPECT, ALSO ARRRRRGHHH

BRIDAL PARTY

OH NO OUR CUTE FLUFFY DOG IS IN DANGER! NOT OUR DOG!!!

MEGA-MEG

(stuffing face with humans)

OH PLEASE THAT DOG IS LIKE ONE TINY CRUMB OF BREAD LEFT ON A SIDE PLATE, WHY WOULD I EVEN FUCKING BOTHER

Our HEROES arrive! JASON and BINGBING hop into their JETSUBS!

JASON STATHAM

Remember we only have two torpedoes each! Unless I decide to launch myself head-first, then I have THREE torpedoes.

LI BINGBING

Cut the chatter, Red Two! Let's do this!

BINGBING and JASON engage in BATTLE with the MEGA-MEG!! There is much ZOOMING and DODGING!

TV CHOPPER CAMERAMAN

Oh man I'm getting such awesome footage! Are you seeing this?!?

TV CHOPPER PILOT

I sure as fuck am!! Though maybe it would be better to watch where I'm flying OOOPS

(crashes into other copter)

Both TV CHOPPERS just so happen to crash on our heroes' BOAT so WHOOPSIE, EVERYONE'S BACK IN THE WATER OH NOOOEEES!!!! Also LI BINGBING'S SHIP is critically damaged so it all comes down--as we knew it would--to STATHAM VS. SHARK!!

JASON STATHAM

Dammit, my torpedoes are jammed, and one wing is snapped off. Luckily this sub only becomes MORE manoeuvrable the more damaged it gets!

JASON charges the MEGA-MEG head on--but then VEERS and DIVES using his jagged wing to RIP OPEN THE MEGA-MEG'S BELLY having finally hit on the strategy that GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOLUME TWO came up with in FIVE MINUTES.

MEGA-MEG

(to "I Won't Say I'm in Love")

ARRGH, I THOUGHT THE HUMANS LEARNED THEIR LESSON! THIS FELT SO GOOD WHEN STARTING OUT--MY TEETH ARE SCREAMING "TAKE A BITE GIRL"!! OH YEAH I'M DYING TO RIP YOUR HEART OUT

The MEGA-MEG grabs JASON'S SUB in its mouth and starts CHOMPING it!

JASON STATHAM

Must remember the obscure oceanographic knowledge Bingbing taught me!

(stabs Mega-Meg in eye)

MEGA-MEG

OWWWW NO CHANCE, NO WAY, I WON'T SAY IT, I WON'T SAY I'M IN PAAAAAIN

(keeps chomping)

JASON STATHAM

Sod it! Time to go old school on this shit!

(headbutts Mega-Meg)

(kicks Mega-Meg in groin)

(stubs out cigarette butt on Mega-Meg)

MEGA-MEG

RIGHT FUCK THIS I'M DONE

(dies)

As a COUP DE GRACE, a swarm of REGULAR SHARKS arrives and begins EATING THE MEGA-MEG, also destroying any evidence so that next time around, nobody will heed our heroes' warnings, thus setting off a brand-new chain of lucrative carnage! Always thinking ahead, those regular sharks.

JASON STATHAM

Ah, I can relax now I'm surrounded by standard-issue lethal predators. And look, the dog is safe! I mean c'mon, we're not THAT kind of movie.

LI BINGBING

Um, the DEAD BABY WHALE SAYS OTHERWISE FUCKHOLE

JASON STATHAM

Oh yeah. Sorry. Anyway since you're super badass I thought we could take our chemistry to the next level, if that's cool with Sophia?

SOPHIA CAI

Hells yes!

(to "We Know the Way")

Hurray hurray!

We'll sail the ocean wide,

Now we've defeated the Megalodon!

LI BINGBING

(singing)

Hurray hurray!

Now Jason Statham could be mine!

And if there's talk of sequels,

We'll say OK!

CLIFF CURTIS, RUBY ROSE, PAGE KENNEDY, AND JESSICA MCNAMEE

(singing)

Hurray hurray!

We are the characters who didn't die!

And look, our box office is greater than we ever dared to hope,

Hurray hurray!

(song continues in background)

JASON STATHAM

Well what can I say except...

(unscrunches brow)

(smiles)

You're welcome.

The movie closes with a title card saying FIN, the same joke that ended A FISH CALLED WANDA but that was THIRTY YEARS AGO so really, who's gonna complain.