"On THIS bus we observe PROPER SOCIAL DISTANCING RULES, asshole!"

SHANG-CHI AND THE LEGEND OF THE TEN RINGS

The Abridged Script

This script was also published on Cracked.com, so if you want, you can read it there. It'll be posted here in a few days.

FADE IN:

EXT. OBLIGATORY MCU ORIGIN STORY EXPOSITORY PROLOGUE

Soothing Mandarin narration from FALA CHEN accompanies a visual crash course through TONY LEUNG's secret to eternal life — a man can never wear too many gaudy accessories.

TONY LEUNG

These ten RINGS needed to be more eye-popping, so now they're super powerful BRACELETS, even though that makes no sense with the name.

With the help of the bracelets, we see TONY demolish civilization after civilization throughout history, and undermine government after government, until one day he realizes he's probably gonna be alone forever unless he smartens up and wifes up.

EXT. MAGICAL ANCIENT FOREST — 1996

Having exhausted his spousal options here on Earth, TONY sets his sights on the fairytale realm of TA LO, where he encounters FALA CHEN.

FALA CHEN

Halt! We normally greet intruders in a specified clearing right outside our village, but I'm willing to make an exception in your handsome case. I shan't let you make your charismatic way to Ta Lo! Explain yourself!

TONY LEUNG

Oh, I'm just your everyday thousand-years-old gangster/warrior mystical martial arts family man who's run out of stuff to conquer on Earth.

FALA CHEN

Really?! So you've conquered Wakanda, the Quantum Realm, Kamar-Taj, Madripoor, all the Eternals...

TONY LEUNG

Okay fine, all the REGULAR stuff on Earth.

They FIGHT in CLASSIC WUXIA STYLE which naturally means they FALL IN LOVE.

FALA CHEN

And that, kids, is how I met your father.

TONY LEUNG

Oh Fala, we should leave all this behind so we can raise a regular family together.

FALA CHEN

I agree! Before we leave, though, let me quickly fashion two suits of dragonscale armour perfectly tailored to fit our future children when they're in their mid-twenties, and leave them here with my sister. Y'know, just in case.

TONY LEUNG

That's some remarkable foresight for someone who will never mention how their hometown is 100% dedicated to guarding an evil portal that lures people with the voices of dead loved ones. Seems like something I should know.

INT. CRAPPY SAN FRANCISCO GARAGE APARTMENT — PRESENT DAY

A shirtless SIMU LIU wakes up and prepares for an honest day's work as a CAR RENTAL AGENT OOPS SORRY PARKING VALET.

SIMU LIU

Please appreciate my toned bod — I didn't spend months training my butt off just to be covered up all the time. Might as well do some push-ups while I'm at it!

At work, SIMU and his totally-platonic best friend AWKWAFINA try to get fired by recklessly joyriding through the streets of San Francisco at top speed in a guest's sports car.

SIMU LIU

Irreponsible pre-hero conduct established! I can't wait for Shang-Chi 3 when we learn how the guy we cut off in traffic became a vengeance-crazed supervillain.

INT. A REGULAR BAR

SIMU and AWKWAFINA are out for drinks with their elitist friend STEPHANIE HSU from high school, who criticizes and looks down on them.

AWKWAFINA

Why do we hang out with you again?

STEPHANIE HSU

(shrugs)

I'm basically the street-level framing device for you guys to circle back to at the end of this whole thing.

SIMU LIU

Sounds good. See ya in two hours!

INT. CITY BUS

The next day, SIMU and AWKWAFINA uneventfully ride the bus to work, demonstrating that even superheroes take public transit, JUST LIKE US!

MARVEL NERDS WHO WATCHED THE "SHANG-CHI" TRAILER

(hyperventilating)

OMG it's the bus fight!

AWKWAFINA

...So anyways, that's why I'm a failure to everyone who knows me. What's new with you, man?

SIMU LIU

Cool, um, could we maybe put a pause in this conversation for a second? I just spotted some skilled assassins sent by Tony to steal my necklace that I gotta beat up super quick.

SIMU, with his yet-unseen KUNG-FU PROWESS, totally demolishes the crew of thugs, also known as the legendary TEN RINGS, his childhood housemates.

AWKWAFINA

(gawking in amazement)

Say what? My totally ripped best friend of ten years can throw a punch? What else are you hiding, my dude?

It seems like SIMU has won the fight, but then from the back of the bus emerges a one-armed FLORIAN MUNTEANU!

FLORIAN MUNTEANU

My totally badass villian alias is Razor Fist, which is only marginally less stupid than Taser Face.

(pauses to unsheathe his machete arm)

Also, I'm gonna slice you up like an avocado, Simu.

THAT ONE LIVESTREAMING DUDE

What's up everyone? Shit just got real on this bus ride! Thumbs up if you think we're all gonna make it outta here alive!

SIMU melds his JACKIE CHAN MIMICRY SKILLS with AWKWAFINA'S aforementioned DRIVING SKILLS to defeat FLORIAN and bring the bus to a semi-controlled crash on the sidewalk.

PAUL RUDD

(strolling by on his way to drop his daughter off at school)

Hey guys! I miss anything important?

SIMU LIU

Shit, they took my pendant! And they'll go after my sister next! Luckily I have a clue where she is, she sent me a postcard.

AWKWAFINA

What if that's a fake sent by the bad guys so you lead them to her?

SIMU LIU

But how would the bad guys know where to send the postcard from, if they need to follow me to figure out—

INT. AIRPLANE, ECONOMY SEATING

On the 20-hour plane ride to MACAU, AWKWAFINA endlessly roasts SIMU'S choice of alias, as any good friend would.

SIMU LIU

Gimme a break! Even Kevin Feige himself butchered my Chinese name at Comic Con, so we gotta take a moment here to really hammer home the exact pronunciation for all the white folks watching.

INT. MACAU'S COOLER, EDGIER VERSION OF THE SAKAAR ARENA

Aided by that vague postcard from before, SIMU and AWKWAFINA track down the supposed location of SIMU'S sister — an UNDERGROUND FIGHT CLUB in MACAU.

AWKWAFINA

Is there gonna be more fighting? I think there's gonna be more fighting.

(immediately bets against her best friend)

Director DESTIN DANIEL CRETTON reaches into the OBLIGATORY MCU CAMEO GRAB BAG and draws BENEDICT WONG and THE ABOMINATION, who fight.

SIMU LIU

Wow, that's random even by MCU standards...

It's then revealed that SIMU unknowingly signed himself up for the marquee cage fight. Always read the fine print, people!

RONNY CHIENG

You must fight! If you win, I'll help you find your sister. Fail, and you might NEVER find your sister!! And the fearsome opponent you must defeat is... YOUR SISTER oh wait that makes my deal useless my God I suck at this.

MENG'ER ZHANG enters the chat-I-mean-fight.

SIMU LIU

We know each other! She's a sister from birth!

MENG'ER ZHANG

Yes it's me. I'm still pissed at you for vanishing for ten years and leaving me for dead with our neglectful father!

(knees SIMU in the crotch)

SIMU LIU

Maybe I got Snapped and you should only be angry about five of those years? Yeah, I guess that doesn't help much.

MENG'ER ZHANG

(punches SIMU in the throat)

SIMU LIU

(wheezing)

...Good one, sis.

Just as MENG'ER is about to show mercy on her pathetic loser of a brother, she flashes back to her childhood plagued by patriarchal ideals and younger-sibling syndrome.

MENG'ER ZHANG

(drop-kicks SIMU into the fence)

I think we're done here.

EXT. THE OUTSIDE OF A MASSIVE SKYSCRAPER, NO BIG DEAL

After SIMU fails to placate his rightfully still-pissed sister, the whole situation falls apart even further when TONY'S THUGS arrive to ruin everyone's night out at the (fight) club.

MENG'ER ZHANG AND RONNY CHIENG

Peace out, suckers!

(disappear to safety via a secret elevator)

SIMU and AWKWAFINA are left stranded! Naturally, SIMU decides to try to escape down the outside of the building, because THAT makes sense.

AWKWAFINA

Aw, hell no! That scaffolding looks even less reliable than the elevator we rode on the way up here.

SIMU LIU

It's either this or facing the assassins inside, and I know you can't block a punch if your life depends on it.

AWKWAFINA

Wow, way to judge a book by its cover, man. Also, you're absolutely right. Both options suck.

SIMU LIU

It's gonna be fine!

AWKWAFINA reluctantly follows him out onto the ledge, only to pretty much immediately be put in mortal danger when TONY'S goons arrive.

AWKWAFINA

Help! We're really testing the strength limits of this piece of bamboo, even by sci-fi standards. I'm about to faaallllll...

SIMU LIU

Don't worry, I got you!

(very much does not 'got her')

AWKWAFINA very nearly recreates the 'GWYNETH PALTROW falling from a crane' moment in IRON MAN 3 when she's miraculously saved by MENG'ER!

MENG-ER ZHANG

Nope, we're not fridging anyone today. Not on my watch.

SILENT NINJA ASSASSIN ANDY LE

(steals MENG'ER's necklace)

SIMU witnesses this low-level jewelry heist and takes off after his former sparring buddy!

SIMU LIU

Get back here! That shade of green would look atrocious on you!

SIMU and ANDY duke it out back inside the building on a FLAT SURFACE, because that scaffolding was getting too risky, even for these KUNG-FU PROS.

SIMU LIU

I'm totally about to kill you, Andy, even though up until now, I've demonstrated what a nice guy and a reluctant fighter I am.

SILENT NINJA ASSASSIN ANDY LE

(thinking, but saying nothing out loud)

Noooo, I can't die, at least not until we reveal my true identity that will justify my years of having concealed my face!

SOUL-SUCKING DEMON

(offscreen)

Uh yeah, about that...

Before SIMU can become an unredeemable murderer, TONY arrives and gives his estranged son a massive bear hug.

AWKWAFINA

I do not understand this relationship at all.

TONY LEUNG

Shut up everybody, it's time for my big trailer line about giving Simu ten years to live his life.

EXT. TEN RINGS MOUNTAINSIDE FORTRESS

Everyone important to the story is somehow on the same helicopter and have these people never heard of the contingency plan of flying the dignitaries on separate planes??

TONY LEUNG

Please celebrate the homecoming of my only child, Simu!

MENG'ER ZHANG

Are you shitting me right now?

TONY treats the crew to a traditional Chinese dinner of exposition, with retconning for dessert.

SIMU LIU

Nice try, Dad, but I won't join your super secret boy band. You're looking at the expert of fraught father-son relationships, and I'm planning on really dragging this one out.

PAUL SUN-HYUNG LEE

(from the set of "KIM'S CONVENIENCE")

Tell me about it!

TONY LEUNG

Fine, allow me to guilt trip you children into doing my bidding again by playing the "your dead mom's being held prisoner back in her old village" card. Her disembodied voice comes to me at random times, and none of the supernatural shit I've seen in my thousand years of life can explain it.

TONY puts the two pendants in a dragon sculpture and it creates a MAGICAL WATER MAZE MAP showing the route to the magic village for TEN WHOLE SECONDS!

TONY LEUNG

Thanks to my instantaneous photographic memory I now know exactly how to find the village, and exactly when the path will appear. Guards! Could a handful of you please escort my near-unstoppable-juggernaut children to the dungeon please?

INT. BASEMENT DUNGEON

Stuck in time-out in the basement, the defiant trio encounter none other than BEN KINGSLEY!

BEN KINGSLEY

Allo it's me, luvs! This is totally the biggest reveal ever, even though people definitely saw me at the world premiere two weeks ago.

(shrugs)

I've been sent to sincerely apologize for the MCU having TWO Iron Man movies where the Mandarin turned out to be a cover story for a white dude, AND for the Mandarin character ever even existing in the first place.

SIMU, MENG'ER, and AWKWAFINA stare at him blankly.

BEN KINGSLEY

Look, this story's at risk of grinding to a halt unless you guys find a way to beat your dad to your dead mom's magical village. Fortunately, that's where merchandising-I-mean-Morris comes in handy!

BEN unveils a CUDDLY CGI WINGED BLOB.

CUDDLY CGI WINGED BLOB

(Supplies limited! Order now!)

SIMU LIU

Oh so we're really doing this whole ancient Chinese lore thing, huh? Bye bye, grounded superhero origin story.

BEN KINGSLEY

Morris here says that even though the magic forest only allows access to Ta Lo at highly specific times, in fact you can get there whenever you want, and he'll guide us there so he can reunite with other CCWBs.

SIMU LIU

Wow, good thing my dad isn't into pets or he'd have reached the portal and doomed the Earth years ago.

MENG'ER ZHANG

Right, we should escape! Luckily Tony's fortress is built on a foundation of cottage cheese so

(rips walls apart)

They grab FLORIAN'S fancy tricked-out BMW and ESCAPE!

EXT. JURASSIC PARK

After conquering the moving forest maze, SIMU and AWKWAFINA and MENG'ER and BEN drive through a mythical field filled with fire birds and multi-tailed foxes and dragon horses, oh my!

AWKWAFINA

Sick, are we gonna use all these creatures to our advantage in the impending final battle to save the universe?

SIMU LIU

Nah, a giant guardian lion thing will gruesomely devour one soul-sucker later on, but THAT'S IT. We're really trying to avoid another "Black Panther" war rhino situation.

The motley crew encounters a wall of villagers, including MICHELLE YEOH.

MICHELLE YEOH

(appearing)

Hello! I'm, ah, your aunt who's never been mentioned before, but if you think you're making a giant wuxia epic without Michelle Yeoh, then screw you.

AWKWAFINA

Wow, Michelle Yeoh being a warming and welcoming matriarch in a predominantly-Asian Hollywood summer blockbuster? Why does that feel so unnatural?

EXT. TRANQUIL TRAINING MONTAGE

Despite knowing exactly when TONY and his GOONS are scheduled to arrive, our heroes nobly choose NOT to use this knowledge to set traps or anything, but prepare in a more generic, training-montagey way.

AWKWAFINA

Is it too on-the-nose if we blast some "Eye of the Tiger" right about now?

SIMU LIU

Um yes, this isn't the "Captain Marvel" soundtrack.

AWKWAFINA

So I've been getting by on my driving skills but I'm thinking that's gonna be one billion percent useless in the final battle, anyone help a girl out?

MICHELLE YEOH

Eh, we don't have an archer in the main group yet, why not do that.

HAILEE STEINFELD

(from the set of "HAWKEYE")

Hey now, don't muscle in on my turf!

MICHELLE makes sure everyone has a full kit of WORLD-BUILDING BACKSTORY.

MICHELLE YEOH

Simu, in this dimension we dedicate ourselves to guarding your dimension from a third, super evil dimension, but not the Dark Dimension. Behind that evil portal are soul-sucking demon-like creatures led by-

SIMU LIU

Ooh ooh is it Mephisto?! Is this how we get Mephisto?!??

MICHELLE YEOH

HOLY SHIT PEOPLE ENOUGH ABOUT MEPHISTO ALREADY. HE WASN'T IN WANDAVISION OR LOKI AND HE'S NOT HERE EITHER, GIVE IT A FUCKING REST.

MENG'ER ZHANG

(thinks)

Is there any reason the portal is only calling out to Dad and not Simu and me also? It could triple its odds of escape by convincing ALL of us we could save Mom...

MICHELLE YEOH

Oh my God you should have been here during the Blip. We had Chris Evans trying to rescue Sebastian Stan from behind the portal, Danai Gurira trying to rescue Chadwick, Downey trying to rescue Tom Holland, Krysten Ritter trying to rescue a bottle of whiskey... it was a goddamn shitshow.

(shakes head)

EXT. SIMU'S MEMORIES

The final battle is just around the corner, so naturally, SIMU takes a moment to reflect on his murderous upbringing and that time he watched his Mom get beaten to a pulp... Just to, you know, get in the right headspace and all that.

FLASHBACK TONY LEUNG

We must avenge your mother, Young Simu! And to help round out our stylistic tour of Asian action cinema, I feel we should do so in a vaguely John Woo fashion! Now let's destroy these hard-boiled criminals!

TONY crushes the GOONS and then returns to running the TEN RINGS MARTIAL ARTS CRIMINAL SYNDICATE who were presumably just sitting around on their ass the past seven years waiting for TONY to return to his life of crime.

EXT. BIG FINAL THIRD-ACT CGI BATTLE — YAY?

TONY & CO. arrive in TA LO and considerately park their caravan of heavy-duty vehicles next to the village, rather than just plowing through everybody.

TONY LEUNG

Let's get this thing started, children.

SIMU LIU

I know the toy leaks already spoiled it, but please take a moment to admire my glittery armour...and my Air Jordans, which totally complete the look.

Everyone strikes a pose and is prepared to FIGHT! It's all for show, though, since it takes approximately two seconds for TONY to blow past the entire battalion and start turbo-punching the magical gate.

MICHELLE YEOH

Save us Simu, you're our only hope!

SIMU, who'd spent most of the battle so far napping underwater with his dragon Patronus, is suddenly AWAKENED!

SIMU LIU

Ta-da! Here's a taste of the live-action "How to Train Your Dragon" adaptation that fans have probably been clamouring for!

SIMU and his DRAGON start devouring all the baby SOUL-SUCKERS, but it's okay because they're EVIL babies!

SIMU LIU

Aw crap, I should probably be dealing with Tony right now. I can leave these baby demons for everyone else to take care of, right?

Without waiting for an answer, SIMU jumps off his dragon to CONFRONT HIS FATHER.

SIMU LIU

I see your ten blue rings and I raise you...five yellow ones!

TONY LEUNG

...you just stole five of mine, dipshit.

SIMU LIU

(harnessing the shit out of his chi)

Ah, but did you know that I'm the perfect blend of you and Mom?

TONY LEUNG

...Yes, that's how genetics work.

SIMU and TONY pose with their respective GLOWING RINGS long enough to provide a dope visual to use in all the promo art.

SIMU LIU

You can take your stupid rings back, Dad. I never wanted them!

TONY LEUNG

Well why didn't you just say so, son? My only goal in life was to brutally train you to keep you safe because I love you so much.

(pauses)

Well, that and conquer everything that's ever existed. A thousand years is a long time, okay?

THE MEGA SOUL-SUCKER swoops in to disrupt the potential family reconciliation moment and SNATCHES TONY!

TONY LEUNG

(seconds away from getting his soul sucked out)

Yes, my villain death will be both completely bloodless and the most emotionally impactful part of the story. I'm just that good.

(dies elegantly)

SIMU LIU

I feel like I should be sad right now.

MENG'ER ZHANG

No time, there are dragons to fight!

SIMU LIU

You mean the battle's not over??

MEGA SOUL-SUCKER

It's over when I SAY it's over, got it?

Get ready for a BATTLE ROYALE DRAGON-STYLE SMACKDOWN! SIMU and MENG'ER ride around on their water-bending dragon for a while until SIMU is forced to choose between saving his SISTER and saving the UNIVERSE.

MENG'ER ZHANG

So I'm just an imitation of Evangeline with my harsh bob and now also Scarlett with the "Let me go so that I can plunge to my noble death" thing?

(flatly)

How original.

Thankfully, Marvel has learned from their past mistakes, and MENG'ER survives!

SIMU LIU

Let's work together, sis! It'll be just like old times!

MENG'ER ZHANG

Oh, so you're gonna overshadow me again?

SIMU LIU

Oh um well, my name IS in the title...

MENG'ER ZHANG

Ugh, whatever, go have your big hero moment. See if I care.

SIMU heroically defeats the MEGA SOUL-SUCKER by shooting the RINGS down its throat, and giving it a SNEAK HEART ATTACK that makes it EXPLODE!! Our heroes WIN!!

AWKWAFINA

I guess we should probably mourn the fallen or something now, hey? I dunno how these things work, this was my first battle.

INT. A NORMAL BAR

SIMU and AWKWAFINA are back to living their normal mundane lives, and once again having drinks with their snarky friend STEPHANIE HSU.

AWKAFINA

...And that's how I mastered archery faster than Chris Evans figured out how to fight Josh with that magic hammer.

Suddenly, a glowing orange PORTAL appears in the BAR, but it's only BENEDICT WONG who walks through, NOT an ENTIRE FREAKIN' ARMY BECAUSE WE CAN'T ALL BE "ENDGAME", OKAY? CALM THE HELL DOWN.

BENEDICT WONG

Simu Liu! You've got to come with me into the full MCU continuity!!

SIMU LIU

No no no, I just got here, Awkwafina is here, and we're gonna take my new rings for a spin.

BENEDICT WONG

Well, bring her along, she's got high enough billing.

AWKWAFINA

You're going to mind zap me to sleep the instant I walk through that portal, aren't you?

EXT. MID-CREDITS SCENE

Director DESTIN DANIEL CRETTON once again reaches into the OBLIGATORY MCU CAMEO GRAB BAG, and this time draws holographic BRIE LARSON and MARK RUFFALO, who SPECULATE.

BENEDICT WONG

Simu, it looks like these Ten Rings are incredibly old, vastly powerful artifacts. Thank you SO MUCH for finding them all together and not one-by-one over twelve freakin' years.

MARK RUFFALO

And there's some kind of beacon leading to an unspecified future project, what are the odds! Looks like I'm human again by the way, we sure love skipping right over Hulk character development between movies.

BRIE LARSON

As usual, I'm busy dealing with high-powered intergalactic shit so that I can't just solve your problem instantly. Good luck though!

SIMU LIU

I guess I might've maybe evolved as a person after all that universe-saving shit last week, but don't worry, I'll still always be the loveable and relatable slacker!

(sings karaoke off-key with BENEDICT and AWKWAFINA until the "ETERNALS" premiere)

EXT. POST-CREDITS SCENE

Remember when the after-credits footage used to just be a cute little jokey bit, like when an alien cat vomited up the Phase 1 MacGuffin on SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON's desk? Neither do we! Bring on the scenes with ramifications!

MENG'ER ZHANG

Mwah ha ha, I run the Ten Rings now. Even though I don't actually have the Ten Rings. But perhaps someday the Ten Rings will cross paths with...the Ten Rings.

(pause)

We might need a new name.

END

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