The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. EARTH
MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.)
Hello. You are listening to the sweet sweet voice of Morgan Freeman because you will buy whatever tripe exposition that comes out of my mouth and like it. For example, Dreamcatcher was actually pretty good.
AUDIENCE
(hypnotized)
M'kay.
MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.)
Also aliens have been watching over the earth for centuries with plans of conquest.
AUDIENCE
Hey, that kinda sounds like bullshit.
MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.)
No it doesn't.
AUDIENCE
(hypnotized)
You're right, it sounds totally believable.
MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.)
Damn straight it does.
EXT. NEW JERSEY
Before we are introduced to our MAIN CHARACTER, director STEVEN SPIELBERG spins the wheel of "TIRED DISASTER MOVIE CLICHES" and lands on "DIVORCED MAN WHO MUST WIN BACK THE LOVE AND RESPECT OF HIS ESTRANGED CHILDREN" cliche.
STEVEN SPIELBERG
Goddamnit, not again.
TOM CRUISE appears and establishes himself as a COCKY SMIRKING RECKLESS HANDSOME JERK. Or in other words, TOM CRUISE.
TOM CRUISE
And somehow I manage to hide my entire ego underneath this baseball cap.
MIRANDA OTTO
Tom, as your ex-wife I chastise you for not being on time to pick up your estranged children so that I can go be with my new husband whose child I am bearing.
TOM CRUISE
Oh, I get it. Since I'm the hero you're being painted as an evil golddigger for leaving me for a guy who's richer, taller, and more handsomer than me.
MIRANDA OTTO
Is that really my role? Holy shit, I thought this was a movie about genocidal aliens. Why is Spielberg trying to establish me as your arch nemesis?
STEVEN SPIELBERG
Because I still haven't gotten over my first marriage and see all ex-wives as blood-sucking ho-bags and this is my version of therapy. Now piss off.
MIRANDA OTTO
(disappears for the rest of the movie)
MIRANDA'S NEW HUSBAND
Wait, am I wearing a turtle neck? I must be a real douchbag.
HE IS.
TOM's kids appear: his adorable younger daughter DAKOTA FANNING and his rebellious dipshit older son FUCKWIT.
JUSTIN CHATWIN
Hey! That's not my name!
YES IT IS and that is what he will be called for the rest of this script.
DAKOTA FANNING
(hugging TOM)
I love you, daddy.
FUCKWIT
(flipping TOM off)
Lick my asshole old man!
TOM CRUISE
But son, in order to do that I would have to lick every inch of you.
A FREAKY STORM appears and LIGHTNING strikes everywhere, which catapults DAKOTA into INCESSANT SCREAMING MODE from which she will REMAIN for the duration.
TOM goes outside to see what's going on when an ALIEN TRIPOD comes out of the ground.
TRIPOD
Greetings hu-mons. We come in peace. We can help you in many ways, such as curing all of your illnesses, creating cheap renewable energy, and solving world hunger.
TOM CRUISE
Great! Now allow me to tell you about Dianetics and Thetans.
TRIPOD
On second thought KILL ALL HUMANS!
The ALIENS turn humans into ash using RAINBOWS.
TOM OUTRUNS the RAINBOWS and scratches off "alien death rays" from the long list of impossible things TOM CRUISE has managed to OUTRUN.
TOM CRUISE
Dakota! Fuckwit! We have to leave NOW!
FUCKWIT
But WHY?! Gaw! Screw you, dad! I'm sick of you telling me what to do and trying to save my life! Whaa! I hate you! You're not my real father! Whaa! Fuck the man!
DAKOTA FANNING
EEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!
AUDIENCE
I hope they die.
TOM realizes all the cars in the entire world are dead except for a MAGICAL MINI VAN.
DAKOTA FANNING
Do they ever explain why exactly all the regular cars don't work except this one and the military vehicles we'll see later?
STEVEN SPIELBERG
Quiet you.
TOM proceeds to steal the MINI VAN from ANNOYING MECHANIC GUY.
TOM CRUISE
Hey, get in the car before the tripods get you!
ANNOYING MECHANIC GUY
The what? Apparently I didn't hear any of the really loud death and destruction happening two streets over or run into anyone else who escaped the first attack over the last 20 minutes.
TOM CRUISE
Then I have to ask, when you die would you prefer to be buried or cremated?
ANNOYING MECHANIC GUY
Buried.
TOM CRUISE
Oooo, too bad.
EXT. HIGHWAY
TOM and his kids escape in the VAN while STEVEN SPIELBERG bukakes the audience with his ROTATING CAMERA TRICKS.
STEVEN SPIELBERG
Perhaps this shot will be so technically impressive that it will distract the audience from Dakota's constant screaming throughout the entire scene.
DAKOTA FANNING
EEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!
AUDIENCE
Not even a little, Steven.
FUCKWIT
Dad! What's going on?!
TOM CRUISE
Aliens are invading!
FUCKWIT
Aliens? You mean, like, Mexicans?
TOM CRUISE
You are certainly earning your nickname, champ.
INT. MIRANDA OTTO'S HOUSE
DAKOTA FANNING
Where's mommy?
TOM CRUISE
She's in Boston. My plan is to drive there and then we'll be safe.
DAKOTA FANNING
How? Does mommy have a crashed alien ship in her garage and a computer virus she can upload into the alien's mainframe with her Mac?
TOM CRUISE
Well, no...
DAKOTA FANNING
Then how are we going to be safe there? How do we know the aliens haven't completely wiped Boston off the map by now?
TOM CRUISE
Uh...
DAKOTA FANNING
Your plan is dumb.
TOM CRUISE
I liked you more when you were screaming. Here, eat this peanut butter sandwich.
DAKOTA FANNING
But I'm deathly allergic to peanuts.
TOM CRUISE
You are? Gosh, I guess that little fact slipped my mind. Honest.
DAKOTA FANNING
Wait, either you are the worst father in the world by not remembering your daughter has a deadly peanut allergy or you just intentionally tried to murder me. Which one is it?
TOM CRUISE
Uh... look! Airplane!
OCEANIC FLIGHT 815 lands on top of the house but doesn't kill TOM or either one of his CHILDREN.
AUDIENCE
Damn!
EXPOSITORY REPORTER LADY
Hello Tom. I'm here to tell you that the tripods must have been buried in the Earth millions of years ago.
TOM CRUISE
Really? And all those times mankind dug for oil or had earthquakes we never once came across one of these things?
EXPOSITORY REPORTER LADY
Uh-uh.
TOM CRUISE
So you want me to believe these aliens were here millions of years ago and decided "let's not take over the planet RIGHT NOW, nope, let's wait until they develop nukes THEN attack"?
EXPOSITORY REPORTER LADY
Well this is the year the networks cancelled Joan of Arcadia. Coincidence? I think not.
TOM CRUISE
And you're also telling me in over a million years these aliens have not had one iota of technological progression? They just developed shields and killer death rays and a fog horn then decided "yup, we're good" and went to sleep?
EXPOSITORY REPORTER LADY
Wouldn't you? Oh, and the tripods' alien pilots were beamed into them via the lightning storm.
TOM CRUISE
Huh? So did the aliens come here in a space ship that beamed them into the lightning that THEN beamed them into the tripods? Or were they just hanging out in the atmosphere as clouds all this time?
EXPOSITORY REPORTER LADY
Well... I... err...
(brain explodes)
TOM CRUISE
(dials 911)
Hello police? I'd like to report a murder. The victim's name is "suspension of disbelief" and the perpetrator's name is Spielberg, Steven. And no this is not his first offense, I worked with him on Minority Report.
REPORTER LADY drives off in her WORKING NEWS VAN which must have been shielded from the TRIPODS by the same BULLSHIT INTERNAL LOGIC as TOM'S VAN.
FUCKWIT
Gaw! You're totally lame, Dad! We should find one of those tripod things and kill it! Ooo-rah!
TOM CRUISE
Son, the audience was just told how invincible the tripods' shields are so everything you're saying makes you sound like a fucking nitwit times Pi, you know that right?
FUCKWIT
So?! You're still a big pussy for trying to save your family instead of fighting back and getting us vaporized like everyone else and
(whining)
AUDIENCE
If the aliens don't kill this guy I am going to shit.
EXT. FERRY STOP
TOM drives right into the center of THE MILLION HITCHHIKER MARCH. They pull TOM out of the van and beat THE FUCK out of FUCKWIT, but TOM saves him before the crowd can stomp his ass to death.
AUDIENCE
(sigh)
TOM and his family try to board a FERRY where they run into SOME WOMAN that TOM knows.
SOME WOMAN
My character name is "Cheryl" even though I'm listed in the credits as "Bartender", but I'm sure that's more than enough detail for the audience to care about me when I die in 60 seconds, right?
WRONG.
Despite there being a SMALL CITY'S WORTH of people around, DAKOTA is the only one to notice a TRIPOD approaching.
DAKOTA FANNING
EEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TRIPOD
You do realize we blow our horns really loud just to cancel out your shrill screeching, don't you?
TOM, DAKOTA and FUCKWIT get on the ferry just before it casts off, but the TRIPODS sink the ferry and NEARLY kill TOM and his family, but not NEAR ENOUGH for the AUDIENCE.
EXT. FARM
TOM and his TWO LITTLE SHITS happen upon a BATTLEFIELD where the TRIPODS are installing several new ASSHOLES in the MILITARY OPPOSITION.
FUCKWIT
I have a boner. Dad, this is where I need to be. Let me go.
TOM CRUISE
But you'll be killed!
FUCKWIT
I know! Cool, right?
AUDIENCE
Let him do it, Tom. For the love of God let him do it.
FUCKWIT runs towards a WALL OF EXPLOSIONS and presumably DIES AN AGONIZING and EXCRUCIATING FIERY DEATH.
AUDIENCE
Whooray!
TIM ROBBINS
Hey Tom! I have a shotgun! Come hide in my basement!
INT. TIM ROBBINS'S BASEMENT
TOM CRUISE
Phew, we're safe.
TIM ROBBINS
Yes. I'm sure the tripods will leave this house intact despite all evidence to the contrary. And please don't jump on my couch, I just had it reupholstered.
TOM CRUISE
But what if the tripods use some kind of metal penis camera to spy on us?
TIM ROBBINS
What? That's ridiculous. The aliens would have to be total assclowns to risk exposing themselves just to check out some crazy guy's old basement.
The TRIPODS deploy their METAL PENIS CAMERA that is presumably controlled by TWO HUGE SPHERES because they are clearly OVER COMPENSATING for something.
Then the ALIENS physically enter the basement and TIM tries to SHOOT THEM, but TOM stops him, confirming FUCKWIT's accusation that TOM is a HUGE MEGA PUSSY.
TOM CRUISE
Tim, you have endangered my family be attempting to kill the aliens that are endangering my family. I must kill you now.
TIM ROBBINS
Pfft, how? By punching my ankles? I'm like four feet taller than you. And I have a shotgun. How do you plan to
(is killed off screen)
TOM CRUISE
Don't worry Dakota, you're safe now that daddy killed an innocent human for trying to kill the evil aliens that presumably killed my son, Fuckwit.
METAL PENIS CAMERA
Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?
DAKOTA FANNING
EEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
METAL PENIS CAMERA
So that's a no?
TOM CIRCUMCISES the METAL PENIS CAMERA with an AX and DAKOTA RUNS OFF.
TOM chases her outside and discovers the TRIPODS are spraying everything with KOOL AID.
TOM CRUISE
Da fuck is all this?
STEVEN SPIELBERG
It was in the book. You'll have to read it to find out what all this red shit is.
TOM CRUISE
Um, no Steven, that's not how adaptations work. You can't just shoehorn in something and not explain it. This could all be alien urine for all the audience knows. Now I need to find Dakota.
DAKOTA FANNING
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TOM CRUISE
Hmm. On second thought I think I liked it better when I couldn't find you. Oooo look, some grenades.
A TRIPOD scoops TOM and DAKOTA up and drops them into a WICKER BASKET filled with PEOPLE.
An ALIEN WANG grabs some POOR BASTARD and pulls him into THE ALIEN SPHINCTER OF DOOM.
Then the ALIEN WANG grabs TOM, but all the other people hold on to TOM and stop him from being sucked into the ALIEN SPHINCTER.
TOM CRUISE
Hey, why didn't you guys try to help that poor bastard too?
PEOPLE
Because he wasn't Tom Cruise.
TOM gives the ALIEN SPHINCTER a GRENADE SUPPOSITORY and the TRIPOD EXPLODES! TOM and DAKOTA escape.
EXT. SOME WRECKED CITY
TOM and DAKOTA are being shuttled away by some MILITARY GUYS when they notice a TRIPOD is driving ERRATICALLY and SLURRING ITS SPEECH.
TOM CRUISE
How many six-packs has that thing had?
ARMY GUYS
All of them.
TOM CRUISE
Look! Birds are landing on the tripods! That means their shields are down! Now you can blow them up!
ARMY GUYS
Thanks Tom! We never would have noticed if it weren't for you! You just saved the world!
TOM CRUISE
Of course I did! I'm Tom Cruise!
AUDIENCE
Wait, that's it? That's how all the tripods are defeated? That's kind of lame.
STEVEN SPIELBERG
Oh you ain't seen nothin' yet.
EXT. BOSTON
TOM and DAKOTA reunite with MIRANDA OTTO, at her HOUSE, which was UNTOUCHED by the attack, and apparently still has POWER because WHY WOULDN'T IT?
FUCKWIT
And I'm still alive somehow! Yah!
AUDIENCE
(shits)
MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.)
And so the tripods were killed by God... in the form of bacteria. Or something. Basically Tom could have died in the first 5 minutes and the tripods would have all been killed just the same.
AUDIENCE
But that's a lame copout of an ending! And they didn't even have the balls to kill off Fuckwit? This movie is bullshit!
STEVEN SPIELBERG
Not to worry! I'll make up for it with Indiana Jones 4!
No he WON'T.
END