FADE IN:

EXT. MIDDLE-EARTH AGES

We see a TOWER with a BALL OF FIRE on top.

The movie FADES TO BLACK.

AUDIENCE

...the hell?

FADE IN:

EXT. CAMELOT

GIANT ELEPHANT MONSTERS are attacking a HUMAN ARMY.

AUDIENCE

Oh, it's a "Lord of the Rings" cash-in. Okay.

ERIC BANA, KING OF ENGLAND, jumps onto a GIANT ELEPHANT MONSTER and confronts ROB KNIGHTON.

ROB KNIGHTON

You'll never win Eric! I'm an immensely powerful evil sorcerer who wants to take over the world and oh God we are not making the Tolkien homages subtle are we?

ERIC BANA

I'm going to stab you with Excalibur!

ROB KNIGHTON

Okay.

ERIC BANA

And there's nothing you can do to stop- wait, what?

ROB KNIGHTON

I'm an immensely powerful evil sorcerer. Nothing I can do.

ERIC BANA

Awesome! I can take my time slowly walking up to you.

(walks past henchmen)

No, don't even bother fighting me. You heard the man, there's nothing any of you can do.

ERIC kills ROB!

ERIC BANA

Excellent! Movie over!

DIRECTOR GUY RITCHIE

Nice try.

ERIC BANA meets up with his brother, the evil prince JUDE LAW.

ERIC BANA

Let's bring everything to a halt to give exposition that will set up the next five films our studio has planned for this franchise.

JUDE LAW

Right. Sure.

(beat)

Oh my God, is that Katie McGrath?

KATIE MCGRATH

WHO KEEPS FEEDING ME TO UNDERWATER MONSTERS?

(dies)

JUDE'S forces storm CAMELOT!

ERIC BANA

I won't ask where you suddenly got an army because you're literally a wizard, but could you at least tell me why you're attacking just hours after we successfully repelled an invasion? My own army can't be far-

(killed offscreen)

But ERIC BANA'S INFANT SON, YOUNG CHARLIE HUNNAM, is sent adrift in a RAFT!

EXT. LONDINIUM

A group of PROSTITUTES discover YOUNG CHARLIE HUNNAM floating in the REEDS.

PROSTITUTE #1

Oh look! It's Super-Moses!

PROSTITUTE #2

Welcome to Londinium! The earliest Arthurian romances just called London "London", but I guess that wasn't old-timey enough.

SUPER-MONTAGE TIME!!!

YOUNG CHARLIE HUNNAM

Growing up in a brothel! Learning to fight! Jude is being an arsehole! Look, there's Tom Wu! Doing odd jobs! Getting roughed up! I'm befriending Tom Wu! Watching prostitutes get beaten! Saving money! Jude has some kind of slavery project now! I'm getting involved in local crime! Learning martial arts from Tom Wu! I run the brothel now! Hooray!

(panting for breath)

Where was this kind of energy at the START of the film?

INT. BROTHEL - DAY

An EVIL WATCHMEN (I THINK IT WAS THAT GUY WHO PLAYED ROOSE BOLTON? THERE ARE TOO MANY CHARACTERS IN THIS MOVIE.) comes to interview CHARLIE HUNNAM and his friends KINGSLEY BEN-ADIR and NEIL MASKELL.

CHARLIE HUNNAM

This is-

KINGSLEY BEN-ADIR

-the scene where-

NEIL MASKELL

-Guy Ritchie-

CHARLIE HUNNAM

-shows off all-

KINGSLEY BEN-ADIR

-his idiosyncrasies.

NEIL MASKELL

Like fast-paced, rapid-fire-

CHARLIE HUNNAM

-dialogue. Rapidly switching-

KINGSLEY BEN-ADIR

-from character to character.

NEIL MASKELL

Intercepted with flashbacks-

CHARLIE HUNNAM

-or flash forwards.

POSSIBLY RAMSAY BOLTON

And what about the characters speaking the dialogue?

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Well, they're usually from London-

KINGSLEY BEN-ADIR

-lower class, rough around the ages-

NEIL MASKELL

-got thick accents, an attitude. Look, you've seen a Guy Ritchie movie-

CHARLIE HUNNAM

-you know the type.

KINGSLEY BEN-ADIR

As for the dialogue itself-

NEIL MASKELL

-it's usually discussing some illicit activity.

CHARLIE HUNNAM

In this case, harassing some Vikings.

NEIL MASKELL

Not that we're complaining, mind you. If you're doing Guy Ritchie's King Arthur you may as well go the whole hog.

KINGSLEY BEN-ADIR

I'd have been disappointed if Ritchie hadn't turned King Arthur into a gangster somehow.

INT. BROTHEL - NIGHT

KINGSLEY BEN-ADIR

Charlie! The King's guards are after you! Climb out the back window!

CHARLIE escapes! And then is captured by a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT GROUP OF GUARDS for a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT REASON!

CHARLIE HUNNAM

We probably should have just arrested me in the previous scene.

EXT. CAMELOT

An ENORMOUS CROWD OF YOUNG MEN are being forced to try to pull EXCALIBUR from a STONE.

CHARLIE HUNNAM

What's all this about?

WATCHMAN

Jude Law knows that if Eric Bana's rightful heir grabs Excalibur, he'll gain amazing powers that'll let him take over Jude's kingdom. So he's forcing absolutely everyone who could be the rightful heir to grab Excalibur, so he'll know who it is!

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Are you FUCKING kidding me!? That absolutely guarantees the rightful heir will grab Excalibur! What was his SECOND-best plan, guillotining himself so I couldn't recognize him in a crowd?

WATCHMAN

Yeah, yeah. Just grab the sword buddy. We haven't got all day.

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Alright, alright.

(steps up to the stone)

Wait, there's something written on this sword; "Whosoever holds this sword, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of King Arthur!"

DAVID BECKHAM

(cameo)

Okay, stop. This is NOT ripping off the Thor franchise! The Arthurian legends had the worthiness enchantment CENTURIES before Marvel Comics even existed! You're just doing pointless nitpicking-

CHARLIE grabbing the sword triggers a THUNDERSTORM!

DAVID BECKHAM

...never mind.

CHARLIE faints and becomes JUDE'S prisoner.

JUDE LAW

Hundreds of people saw you lift Excalibur and they told the whole country. I really should have built a tent around it.

CHARLIE HUNNAM

I can't be the rightful king! I couldn't hold Excalibur without fainting!

JUDE LAW

The only reason you didn't effortlessly defeat all my guards is that you were subconsciously resisting its power!

(beat)

This was a terrible plan.

CHARLIE is taken to be executed!

JUDE LAW

First, I'm going to stab one of the prostitutes who raised you to death! I had a business relationship with the Viking you beat up, you heartless bastard!

CHARLIE HUNNAM

We seem to be putting a lot of emphasis on that Viking subplot.

(beat)

Also, it's kind of depressing how we spent forty minutes building up my relationship with these sex-workers only to kill one off and send the rest down the memory hole.

Just as CHARLIE'S about to be beheaded, the resistance leader ASTRID BERGES-FRISBEY launches a rescue!

EVIL GUARDS

Jude, why the fuck did you bring Excalibur to the execution?

JUDE LAW

I don't know. Why can't any of YOU assholes stop a few unarmed peasants despite being the only ones with swords and armor?

EVIL GUARDS

You can't blame us, the editing was too quick for us to see their fighting moves!

CHARLIE escapes!

INT. SECRET HIDEOUT

CHARLIE meets the rest of the RESISTANCE.

DJIMON HOUNSOU

You are the only one who can save us. Unfortunately we all hate you because at the start of the film you were forced to surrender Aidan Gillen to Jude's forces in order to save your foster mothers.

CHARLIE HUNNAM

An interesting dynamic! Will that matter after this scene?

AIDAN GILLEN

(shrugs)

Nah.

ASTRID BERGES-FRISBEY

Enough talk! Charlie needs to go to Spooky Island for a vision quest!

EXT. SPOOKY ISLAND

ASTRID BERGES-FRISBEY

We cannot help Charlie fight the monsters on the first part of his quest. A spiritual journey must be done alone.

DJIMON HOUNSOU

I'm not sure what's the spiritual significance behind getting scooped up by a giant bat and then being carried screaming through the air before getting dropped hundreds of feet to the ground, but hey, at least I can stay in the boat.

CHARLIE HUNNAM

(fighting for his life)

It's montage time! Attacked by a giant snake! Attacked by giant bats! Attacked by giant rats! Slipping and falling into a creek!

(beat)

Okay, that last one wasn't so bad, but it's still in the montage!

CHARLIE places EXCALIBUR on the tower at the end of his journey, giving him VISIONS!

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Incredible! I'm seeing the night Jude killed my parents!

CHARLIE'S MOTHER

Slow motion is a handy tool for conveying terrible moments that seem to last forever, but why did we only use slow motion to focus on the spear that killed me when it was ten metres away from my exit wound? We’re just showing off how plastic the CGI is!

(dies)

ERIC BANA

You lose Jude! I'm using Excalibur to turn myself into stone, and then halfway through the process I'm going to impale myself with it, and then our combined weight will send us crashing through this dock and into the river, and then in a few decades Excalibur will use its water manipulation powers to drain the river enough to reveal us, and then presumably at some point my son is going to come along and find the sword. Ha ha!

(dies onscreen this time)

JUDE LAW

Turning to stone does explain how I've been stabbing you for thirty seconds without drawing blood.

EXT. IN AND AROUND LONDINIUM

CHARLIE and the RESISTANCE begin sabotaging JUDE'S operations!

CHARLIE HUNNAM

This is a fun montage! Good action, lots of cheeky shenanigans and the criminal scheming Ritchie's good at. I don't suppose this could be the whole movie?

DJIMON HOUNSOU

There'll be another scene of humans reacting to CGI monsters soon enough.

ASTRID BERGES-FRISBEY

These attacks aren't doing enough damage. Jude is coming to Londinium himself in a few days, we can asassinate him then.

But JUDE turns out to be a DECOY!

AIDAN GILLEN

Oh well! There's an important member of the guard standing right next to him! I may as well shoot him!

(fires arrow)

PETER FERDINANDO

Aaargh! Why am I the only member of Jude's forces not wearing armor?

(beat)

Seriously. I helped plan this operation! I knew they were going to be firing arrows right here! Why was I standing next to the decoy at all?

(dies)

JUDE'S GUARDS chase the RESISTANCE. But CHARLIES uses EXCALIBUR to create... an EXPLOSION? An AIR-BLAST? It's hard to see.

GHOST OF ERIC BANA

Really could have used these powers when I was fighting Jude.

Most of the RESISTANCE survives and escapes!

INT. CAMELOT

JUDE has a meeting with some EVIL VIKINGS.

JUDE LAW

More villainous Vikings? Did a Viking run over Guy Ritchie's dog?

DIRECTOR GUY RITCHIE

No, but someone else did.

JUDE LAW

What?

DIRECTOR GUY RITCHIE

Nothing, nothing.

INT. SECRET HIDEOUT

The REBELS return only to find a single EVIL GUARD.

EVIL GUARD

We've kidnapped your friend's kid and Astrid! And if Charlie doesn't surrender, they die!

CHARLIE HUNNAM

What about my prostitute foster-mothers? Aren't they still in your cells?

EVIL GUARD

We're counting on the audience forgetting your entire backstory and the reason you wanted to kill Jude in the first place.

INT. CAMELOT CASTLE

CHARLIE surrenders. But then ASTRID summons a GIANT SNAKE!

EVIL GUARD #1

Oh FUCK THIS! I'm fleeing to a movie with less giant animals, like "King Kong".

(dies)

CHARLIE HUNNAM

WHERE WAS THIS SNAKE IN ALL OUR OTHER BATTLES?

GIANT SNAKE

I have to go now. My planet needs me.

(slithers away)

(leaves Charlie with Jude and the rest of his guards)

(Note: Snakie died on the way back to his home planet)

CHARLIE fights through the rest of the GUARDS.

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Add "super-speed" and "telekinesis" to the list of Excalibur's bizarre powers!

GHOST OF ERIC BANA

Again, I really could have used these abilities against Jude.

DIRECTOR GUY RITCHIE

Hey, you know that moment everybody loves from "The Matrix" where the camera spins around a frozen split-second of the action? Well I'm going to do that for the entire fight scene!

DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY JOHN MATHIESON

It's... an interesting idea. But whole point of a Matrix 360 is that it allows the audience to see MORE of the action. If we use it while everyone's moving and turning into CGI and getting tossed like ninepins, then no one's going to see shit.

DIRECTOR GUY RITCHIE

Don't worry, they'll be plenty of moments where the action slows to a Matrix-crawl.

DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY JOHN MATHIESON

Well, that's good to-

DIRECTOR GUY RITCHIE

It'll be only the time the camera ISN'T spinning!

DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY JOHN MATHIESON

(beat)

This is about me running over your dog isn't it?

CHARLIE finally faces JUDE.

JUDE LAW

I really miss the opening action scenes.

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Weren't we complaining about them borrowing from "Lord of the Rings"?

JUDE LAW

I know, I know, but at least there was a sense of awe about them. The haunting score, the clear, crisp action, the shots of merely human soldiers trying to keep their nerve. The CGI was a vital ingredient, but it wasn't the whole meal.

CHARLIE HUNNAM

BORED NOW LET'S HAVE ANOTHER SPINNING FIGHT!

CHARLIE defeats JUDE!

INT. CAMELOT CASTLE

KING CHARLIE HUNNAM is building the ROUND TABLE.

DJIMON HOUNSOU

What is this strange device you're building?

TOM WU

Is it a carousel?

CRAIG MCGINLAY

A dance floor?

AIDAN GILLEN

A holder for a giant wheel of cheese?

(he actually fucking suggests that)

KING CHARLIE HUNNAM

...it's a table. How do you not know what a table is?

KINGSLEY BEN-ADIR

...Tah...Bul...?

DJIMON HOUNSOU

But it's ROUND. How can you have a ROUND table?

TOM WU

This is madness! Furniture was never meant to be abused this way!

KING CHARLIE HUNNAM

(burying his head in his hands)

This is so, so stupid.

AIDAN GILLEN

Yeah, let's just end the movie here.

CRAIG MCGINLAY

"Enn duh". What is "Enn Duh"? A movie is supposed to go on forever!

KINGSLEY BEN-ADIR

No, that's "Rise of Skywalker".

END