Zoolander v. Trump: Dawn of Justice

ZOOLANDER 2

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. ROME

JUSTIN BIEBER's STUNT DOUBLE races through the streets, chased by BAD GUYS.

JUSTIN BIEBER

You'll never take me-

(shot by goon)

Aaargh!!!

(shot some more)

AAARGH!!!

(shot some more)

Okay that's enough!

(shot some more)

I mean I know it's obligatory to piss on me, but this really seems to be going on for way too long-

(shot some more)

Aaargh!!

(set on fire)

Seriously knock it off!

(eyes gouged out)

This is getting old!

(sprayed with .50 caliber sniper fire for seven weeks)

Fuck you guys.

(dies)

(shot some more)

Having got what they came for, HALF OF THE AUDIENCE gets to their feet and leaves.

EXT. NEWS MONTAGE

We catch up with what's been going on since the last MOVIE.

NEWS ANCHOR #1

It seems the "Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good and Who Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too" collapsed into rubble, killing Ben Stiller's wife Christine Taylor! Holy shit, this got dark quick.

NEWS ANCHOR #2

And it happened just two days after the ending of the previous movie, so good luck trying to watch that again.

NEWS ANCHOR #3

But what's more puzzling is how we deliberately write this to remind the audience as much of 9/11 as possible! What the fuck guys?

NEWS ANCHOR #1

Given all the controversy over how the first movie handled 9/11, you'd think we'd have steered clear entirely! But no! It's like we sat down and said "What if everyone was upset because we needed MORE 9/11"?

NEWS ANCHOR #3

But remember how funny the "What is this? A center for ants?" gag was? Please, we really need all the nostalgia we can get.

JERRY STILLER

(one of many, many bizarre cameos)

NEWS ANCHOR #2

In any case, Ben has lost custody of his child and his modelling career, and is now grieving in...

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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