"What's everybody staring at?"

SLEEPAWAY CAMP

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. LAKE

Two kids and their Dad, HARRY CHESTERSON, are on a sailboat. A lifeguard, BLONDIE BIEBERHAIR, and his girlfriend, NAGGY BITCHERSON, are also on a speedboat nearby.

NAGGY BITCHERSON

Let me drive! I know how. Nothing here will go wrong. Promise.

BLONDIE BIEBERHAIR

No way! I could totally get fired.

The two kids tip over HARRY on their sailboat. NAGGY is driving the speedboat and proves that she totally knows what she’s doing by staring straight ahead at three people in the water and plowing directly into them. HARRY dies.

INT. HOUSE 8 YEARS LATER

FELISSA ROSE and JONATHAN TIERSTON are cousins getting ready to go to camp.

DESIREE GOULD

I am the children’s aunt! It cannot be possible that I'm meant to be unintentionally hilarious. Anyway children, here are your camp physicals. In case you're curious, I actually say on the Internet somewhere that I got my inspiration for this absurd scene from "an inner source."

JONATHAN TIERSTON

Did this inner source come out of Gary Busey's asshole? Because I have no idea what the fuck is happening right now.

EXT. SCROTUMTON CAMP

FELISSA and JOHNATHAN arrive at camp. All of the men are wearing panties and every detail of a man’s anatomy is on display throughout this movie. FELISSA goes to her cabin and meets KAREN FIELDS who is fucking awesome.

KAREN FIELDS

You're weird. What's your problem?

FELISSA ROSE

(stares wide eyed)

KAREN FIELDS

I hate you.

FELISSA ROSE

(infuriatingly innocent stare)

KAREN FIELDS

I. Hate. You.

FELISSA ROSE

(has no lines for the first thirty minutes of this movie. She may be troubled)

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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