"Hulk, get the cameraman! Everyone else, attack the air! I will ride my Ironman-Cycle to victory!

AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON [AUTHOR'S CUT]

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

Just like Joss Whedon, we found ourselves creating a completely overstuffed and bloated entry. And then also just like Joss Whedon, we realized nobody would tolerate such a monstrosity so we cut it down to something reasonable. Finally, like Joss Whedon, we’re releasing the original, bloated version for superfans to enjoy. The point here is, we’re Joss Whedon now.

FADE IN:

EXT. HYDRA FORTRESS - FAKE EUROPE

We open on an UNSKIPPABLE CUTSCENE as CHRIS HEMSWORTH, ROBERT DOWNEY, JR., CHRIS EVANS, GREEN MARK RUFFALO, SCARLETT JOHANSSON, and JEREMY RENNER storm a HYDRA base and straight up MURDER tons of regular, non-superpowered people in the world's LEAST-FAIR FIGHT.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Sorry to anyone who hoped Mockingbird would make the movie roster, but hey, I brought her signature batons with me! I've also added glowing blue highlights to my stealth suit, which totally fucks over the "stealth" part but also furthers our plan of bringing Tron: Legacy into the MCU.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Oh look, I'm back with my catalogue of specialized suits. This completely invalidates everything that happened in Iron Man 3, so I guess everyone can just skip that one.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Verily, Thor 2 is similarly without merit or consequence!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

And Guardians took place in outer space, so it doesn't affect what's going on either.

CHRIS EVANS

Okay, but Winter Soldier is totally important, it established that HYDRA has been infiltrating SHIELD for half a century! Of course, it's been completely dismantled now and this is the very last base that we're about to destroy but, uh... wait, is Phase 2 the Danny DeVito to Phase 1's Schwarzenegger?

GREEN MARK RUFFALO

ENTIRE PHASE 2 CAN BE IGNORED, NEXT MOVIE ALL ABOUT SMALL BUG MAN AND NOBODY CARE!

JEREMY RENNER

Of course, if you want to know why we're even assaulting this fortress, you should watch 41 hours of Agents of SHIELD to see the 65 seconds at the end of Season 2, Episode 19 where Cobie Smulders holy shit this bubble is going to burst really soon isn't it?

ROBERT shoots a MISSILE at the fortress that fails to penetrate its FORCEFIELD, but then he just SHOOTS THE FORCEFIELD because HYDRA never got around to watching RETURN OF THE JEDI.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Alright guys, I'm inside the fortress. Have we figured out a justification for the nearly invincible Norse god not to be doing this instead of me?

CHRIS EVANS

(over radio)

Yes, he's carrying Jeremy Renner back to the ship we all came here on even though two of us can fly.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Perfect, I'll just go ahead and find...

(consults notes)

Loki's sceptre? Geeze, again?

ROBERT finds LOKI'S MIND-CONTROL SCEPTRE, pulsating with MIND CONTROL POWER that will surely be put to EXCELLENT DRAMATIC USE.

Suddenly, AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON and ELIZABETH OLSEN sneak up behind him and ELIZABETH users her powers of MIND CONTROL HOLY FUCK WHEDON THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

You have used vague powers to make metal man die, yes?

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Nyet, I see that allowing him to succeed vill ultimately cause destruction for moose and squirrel, so I leave alone. Gave him nightmare for use in many trailer. Has broken Captain America shield and everythink, fanboys will love.

Elsewhere, the HYDRA FORCES have been turned to so much GOOP and the guy that AGENTS OF SHIELD chased for an entire season has been defeated in TWO SECONDS.

CHRIS EVANS

Okay, battle won! Scarlett, could you go soothe Hulk Ruffalo with gentle caresses and whispers? We could ask Thor, who can actually survive a Hulk punch, but last time it got kinda ewwww.

The TEAM returns to NEW YORK about 4,000 MILES AWAY but that's at least a 3 HOUR FLIGHT so...

IMMEDIATE SMASH CUT TO:

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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