FADE IN:

INT. WAIT WHAT THE HELL IS THIS

RYAN GOSLING

Hi audience! Please don't text during the show. Texting ruins the theater experience, but since theaters are struggling we thought forcing you to suffer through pre-film comedy sketches about texting would be-

DIRECTOR DAVID LEITCH

Did you know stunt people get no Oscars because the ceremony is too long? Sure, there’s always time for bad comedy sketches, but not time for watching stunts. Imagine having to watch unfunny sketch comedy before you get to see the cool stunts-

RYAN GOSLING

Yes, what a horrible situation that would be! Perhaps you can reflect on this while turning down the brightness on your phone-

The AUDIENCE starts to wonder if maybe the death of the theatergoing experience would be such a bad thing after all.

INT. THE ACTUAL MOVIE

RYAN is a stunt double for the most epic, the most megafamous, the most dazzling and beloved movie star in the world: AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON.

RYAN GOSLING

After the MCU kicked off with the extremely successful Quicksilver movies, Aaron became a massive star while I do the potentially limb-breaking bits like a modern whipping boy. But I know I'm appreciated!

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

WHAT THE FUCK BROSEPH, YOU CAN SEE A QUARTER-INCH OF RYAN’S CHIN! Not cool, his chin is partially visible for a nanosecond in an unusued take? Get stuffed!!! Do it again! Love you dude no homo.

EMILY BLUNT

(operating the camera)

Break a leg, babe!

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

(de-operating the safety controls)

Yeah fuckstick, break two of them! Maybe a spine while you’re at it! You're the best!

RYAN GOES-SPLAT

Aw, thanks you guys! Hey why is my name misspelled for this li

INT. 18 MONTHS LATER

RYAN GOSLING

I’m so depressed! Look how sad and broken I am!

(is totally ripped, mobile, looks like Ryan Gosling)

I’m still using this TENS unit to heal my back, although given the massive beating I’m going to take over the next few days, my back must've healed already and I’m just using this thing as a vibrator.

RANDOM ASSHOLE

Let’s all point at Ryan and laugh at him! This dude almost died, ha ha haaa!

Just then RYAN gets a call from film producer HANNAH WADDINGHAM who is busy drinking an organic blood latte and lowering bunnies into a grease fryer. She is definitely not suspicious.

HANNAH WADDINGHAM

Hellooooo, Ryan! It’s me, your former boss! I need a stunt man for an extremely dangerous car-flip on a slippery beach, and since your job is Beach I decided you’d be PERFECT!

RYAN GOSLING

I can't do it, Hannah. I just got away from hearing those Ken jokes, if I'm not careful they'll follow me the rest of my career.

HANNAH WADDINGHAM

Are you kidding? Most people who saw the poster for “The Fall Guy” assumed it was a meme about the Barbenheimer love interests. You’re lucky we didn’t put the title in Impact font.

EXT. SYDNEY – MAKING THIS THE SUMMER’S SECOND-BEST AUSTRALIAN ACTION FILM

EMILY is shooting her directorial debut, HAN SOLO: DUNEY ROAD.

RYAN arrives on set and, being SO out-of-practice on stunt driving, immediately breaks a WORLD STUNT RECORD by flipping a CAR while EMILY breaks all the respect of her crew by flipping her SHIT.

EMILY BLUNT

Ryan!! You ghosted me after your nearly life-and-career-ending injury, I demand you explain yourself!

(grabs megaphone)

(really)

ATTENTION EVERYONE, I WILL NOW BE DETAILING MY SEX LIFE IN ORDER TO TORMENT AN EMPLOYEE, PLEASE JOIN ME IN SHAMING HIM.

RYAN GOSLING

(grabbing megaphone)

I GUESS THIS IS SET PRE-#METOO HUH

EMILY BLUNT

(hooks up megaphone to EDM show speakers)

HEY RYAN, I’VE DISCOVERED I’M REALLY INTO IMPACT PLAY

(broadcasts over whatever the Australian equivalent of NPR is)

LIKE THE IMPACT OF YOUR BODY SLAMMING REPEATEDLY INTO A WALL, I’D BE REALLY INTO THAT RIGHT NOW

RYAN GOSLING

(lowering megaphone)

Are you really going to waste everyone’s time and your budget to physically torture-

EMILY BLUNT

(scribbling in screenplay)

OH LOOK, A SCENE WHERE EVERYONE KICKS THE SHIT OUT OF RYAN AND PISSES IN HIS EYES. WE NEED AT LEAST NINE TAKES OF THIS. GET THE CLAPBOARD READY

EXT. OFF-SET, LATER

EMILY BLUNT

Hey, I’m sorry about all these feelings I'm having. I think I understand where you're coming from, but I don't know if I'm ready to try again, especially since you're now my employee.

RYAN GOSLING

Okay. I'm glad we're mutually interested in reconnecting but not rushing into anything yet.

EMILY BLUNT

Thanks!

(checks script)

It looks like we have to do this scene about thirty more times. So: Hey I'm sorry about all these feelings I'm having-

HANNAH WADDINGHAM

Ryan, Aaron is missing and I need you to find him. His assistant is too busy, um, walking his dogs.

RYAN GOSLING

Should I check his hotel room?

HANNAH WADDINGHAM

Oh God no, even though that’s definitely where I want you to end up, I was hoping you could start by breaking into his condo, which he has in addition to his hotel room.

RYAN GOSLING

I dunno, Hannah. Something’s giving me the odd feeling that I’m being lured into a setup. Some kind of movie title. How about calling the police?

HANNAH WADDINGHAM

You can’t tell the police! Tell no one what you’re doing! If the studio finds out about this, Emily’s career will be ruined since the film is over budget!

RYAN GOSLING

Like a sci-fi film could get made today for less than a bajillion dollars. But sure.

INT. AARON’S CONDO

RYAN investigates and gets attacked by a SAMAURAI SWORD LADY!

RYAN GOSLING

SHIIIIT She's no match for the stuntman's power of looking apathetic!

SAMAURAI LADY smashes a bunch of shit and throws RYAN through an ACTUAL PANE OF GLASS. Finally he wrestles the sword away from her-

SAMAURAI LADY

Ha, the sword is fake! I’m Aaron’s sorta-gf, I came by and saw a stranger and thought “Hey, what a great time to prank a random dude by throwing him through some glass and and trying to beat him up.” Haha! And no, I'm not part of the evil plan, this was clearly added during reshoots.

INT. NIGHTCLUB

RYAN follows the SAMAURAI'S CLUE to a WACKILY-TATTOOED DRUG DEALER.

TATTOOCO SALAMANCA

'Sup, stunty? Would you please drink the most obviously roofied drink in cinema since Midsommar’s “Here this drink has roofies in it?”

(Ryan drinks)

Bwahaha! Grab him, minions!

RYAN GOSLING

Lucky for me, instead of roofies you accidentally gave me some kind of My Little Brony hallucinogen!

RYAN has visions of SPARKLES and PONIES and BEATING UP GOONS which is probably a thrilling fight scene except there’s so many WINDOWS MOVIE MAKER TRIAL EFFECTS on screen that we can’t SEE ANY OF IT.

TATTOOCO SALAMANCA

Shit, his skills with choreographed stage fighting somehow translate to beating up real thugs when he becomes stoned! I’d better tell him the info he needs, since that’s part of the plan, wait why was I even trying to kidnap him escape in a getaway car, hope he chases me down and flings himself in front of the car, and THEN tell him the info he needs!

INT. HOTEL

RYAN follows the drug dealer's clue to AARON'S HOTEL. In the lobby he bumps into EMILY.

EMILY BLUNT

So Ryan I think I love you but I’m not sure so I don’t want to date you but

RYAN goes to AARON’S HOTEL ROOM and investigates. Then his PHONE RINGS.

EMILY BLUNT

(on phone)

like I still like you but don’t know if I like-like you but

RYAN continues to INVESTIGATE and finds a DEAD BODY!!

EMILY BLUNT

so um we should get coffee but not romantically so maybe decaf coffee

RYAN runs out and gets the police, but when they return, the body is GONE!

EMILY BLUNT

Back to filming my space movie! The next scene is at the Sydney Opera House, which makes total sense for a space movie.

RYAN GOSLING

Sure, not like I have ANYTHING MORE PRESSING TO DO. Emily, are you seriously going to be intercut into every damn scene looking varying shades of forlorn?

EMILY BLUNT

Well this character had nothing to do until I was cast, and then the character still had nothing to do but now there’s a lot more of her in it.

After a long (long) (long) day of filming, Ryan and Emily agree to go on a date-

HANNAH WADDINGHAM

REALLY surprised I have to keep reminding you to do the main plot instead of the "Bang Emily" side quest.

RYAN GOSLING

But we're fillllming! Look at all the stunt work! Doesn’t this make you realize stunt people deserve Oscars?

HANNAH WADDINGHAM

Oh sure, that definitely wouldn’t just motivate performers to do increasingly dangerous stunts in a bid for recognition by an industry that rewards physical torture over artistic merit!

RYAN GOSLING

Speaking of things that should have Oscars, I see Stephanie Hsu over there so I’m going to ask what she knows about Aaron.

RYAN talks to AARON’S PERSONAL ASSISTANT STEPHANIE HSU, just in time for her to get KIDNAPPED! RYAN saves her using a PENIS-BITING DOG, a joke used about five or six times!

STEPHANIE HSU

Whew, thanks Ryan! They must've been after Aaron's phone, here you go. I bet there's something incriminating on here!

RYAN GOSLING

Hmm, maybe this tech genius can figure out how to hack into the phone. Also how to send a message to Emily saying “Sorry I missed our date, Hannah asked me to run an errand” or something, I'm clearly incapable of doing that.

TECH GENIUS

I’ve got it! You can hack into this phone... by finding the passcode!

RYAN GOSLING

Wow, you’re amazing! Just as amazing as last week’s IT guy who revealed the secret of how to plug in my router!

INT. AARON’S APARTMENT

RYAN finds the passcode and unlocks the phone with the help of his friend, WINSTON DUKE, who keeps quoting other movies because that's how screenwriters flex their STREET CRED.

RYAN GOSLING

We unlocked the phone! What do you think could be on here that the kidnappers are after?

WINSTON DUKE

“It’s the question that brought you here.” The Matrix.

RYAN GOSLING

Oh my God, look at this video! Aaron was at a party and shoved his other stunt double, “Henry,” accidentally killing him! Aaron and Hannah must be trying to frame me for Henry's death, to save Aaron's career!

WINSTON DUKE

“There’s only one thing that can stop them: you!” Network. “By getting to as many people as you can showing them the truth,” Left Behind: World At War “You can still save yourself!” The Box.

RYAN GOSLING

You’re right, we gotta make this video public. Hmm, I guess I could send it to myself or Emily, as long as the merchs don’t show up-

WINSTON DUKE

“Shit, here they come!” Birdemic: Shock and Terror.

(merchs accidentally shoot the phone)

“Well THAT’S convenient.” Terminator: Genisys.

RYAN GOSLING

We need to escape! One of us should go for the door and the other can take Aaron’s boat!

WINSTON DUKE

“You can take the boat for all I care.” Us.

(flees)

RYAN tries to escape on AARON’S BOAT, only to get captured and tied up... by AARON HIMSELF!

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Wassup my bro-bro? Look, I kinda accidentally killed Henry so I need you to die so I can pin this on you, okay? Be a Chad and help me out.

RYAN GOSLING

Weren’t there like forty witnesses?

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

No, the plan was simple! We

(deep breath)

invite you to Sydney, scan your face, deepfake your face onto footage of killing Henry, film you entering the room with the body by convincing you to break into my apartment and follow a samurai clue to the drug dealer clue to the body, remove the body before you get the police, use THAT footage - okay I guess we could have deepfaked that too - THEN

(face turning red)

track you down, catch you, kill you, fake your suicide, kill or pay off every witness to the crime, plus the hotel staff, plus Stephanie, plus the police you reported the dead body to, and you'll look guilty and I'll have no tea to spill!

(inhales)

RYAN GOSLING

If you're going to stage my suicide... why not just stage Henry’s death as a suicide?

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Uhhhh... because... I want to take down YOU, Ryan! I’m so pissed that your Godzilla movie made more money than mine did! That's why I tried to kill you all those months ago!

RYAN GOSLING

...I wasn't in a Godzilla movie?

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

No you totally were, broski! I read online that Barbenheimer was a Godzilla prequel!

RYAN GOSLING

(facepalms)

(remembers hands are tied behind back)

(awkwardly face-shoulders instead)

Your cognitive development seems a little stunted.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Thanks! My brain does its own stunts! ...HEY!

Ryan escapes by leaping onto a different boat! AARON’S GUN-TOTING FAN CLUB sprays five million bullets at him, but they are no match for the stuntman’s power of SLIGHTLY HUNCHING OVER.

RYAN GOSLING

(on phone)

Emily! I have to tell you literally anything useful at all think I like-like you! Let's get coffee together with LOTS of caffeine! Isn't that sweet? I guess so? That's that me espresso!

EMILY BLUNT

What?

RYAN drives through an explosion and DIES!!!!

EXT. MOVIE SET, NEXT DAY

RYAN GOSLING

Now seems like a perfect time to dress in a costume and sneak up on Emily when she's alone, then grab her.

EMILY freaks out and beats the shit out of RYAN like he FUCKING DESERVES this time.

RYAN GOSLING

Ow! Ow! Ow! Okay you got me I faked my death so Aaron would finish your movie. Weirdly I don't seem to care very much about clearing my name compared to the movie thing.

EMILY BLUNT

But we have to prove Aaron and Hannah were behind everything! I have an idea...

RYAN GOSLING

Is it the thing? You know the thing. The "Surprise, you said all that on camera" thing?

EMILY BLUNT

Of course it's the thing!

WINSTON DUKE

"I don't believe it! I show them! I'll record everythi-"

RYAN GOSLING

Winston, why the fuck did you come to work when a hit squad is trying to kill you?

They get AARON in a car and DRIVE IT REALLY FAST.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Aaaaugh!! Can you, Ryan Gosling who I thought I killed, stop driving so fast? You’re worse than the previous stunt guy, Henry-who-I-killed! I, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, would prefer you do the stunts while Hannah digitally swaps our faces, much like she did for the incriminating video!

RYAN GOSLING

Whew, thank God you hate moving at super speed!

(looks out window)

Look, Winston’s team captured your henchmen! Apparently our set crew was willing to risk their lives for me with no evidence, or maybe they just saw how hilariously bad the deepfake was and realized I was obviously innocent.

WINSTON DUKE

(makes happy face)

Modern Times.

EMILY BLUNT

We won! So, it’s over?

WINSTON DUKE

“This isn’t even in the same area code as over!” Carrie (2002).

HANNAH leaps out with a gun!

HANNAH WADDINGHAM

No!!! I can’t become a convicted felon! I’ll be barred from applying for any job that isn’t President of the United States! GET THAT EVIDENCE!

HANNAH and AARON grab the CONFESSION HARD DRIVE and leap into a helicopter, but fail to escape because the PILOT doesn’t know how to go UP.

RYAN GOSLING

Oh, how will we ever defeat such foes?!

WINSTON DUKE

“What if we have a character in the third act point out that the movie is having problems in the third act?” The Fall Guy.

RYAN jumps on the helicopter, grabs the evidence, and leaps to safety, briefly turning into a STUNTMAN WHO CLEARLY ISN’T HOLDING THE EVIDENCE before turning back into RYAN.

EMILY BLUNT

Yay! I think I like-like you after all!

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

You’ll never get me! Dead or alive!

(trips over a stack of bombs)

Or maybe you can get some bits of my dead flesh, bro.

(explodes)

AARON’S DEATH SCENE gets put into the MIDDLE OF THE CREDITS for some reason. THE NICE GUY wins!

EMILY BLUNT

And the studio let us reshoot my movie replacing Aaron with Christopher Plummer, so I can finish making what definitely isn’t just a “Dune” ripoff! I’m a real director now!

RYAN GOSLING

Hooray for stunt people and original movies! It’s cool to be starring in a movie that isn’t a remake of some nostalgic 80s property.

EMILY BLUNT

Um.

RYAN GOSLING

You’re fucking kidding.

Ads for THE FALL GUY: EXTENDED EDITION start playing online, in case you needed even MORE scenes of Emily deciding whether she likes or like-likes RYAN GOSLING despite the answer being that EVERYONE ON EARTH like-likes RYAN GOSLING.

END.