The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. IMPERIAL PALACE
GENERAL JAMES SHIGETA meets with EMPEROR PAT MORITA.
GENERAL JAMES SHIGETA
Grave news, Your Highness. Miguel Ferrer's army of Huns has crossed over our shitty wall!
EMPEROR PAT MORITA
Damn Mongolians! Conscript as many MEN as you can to stop them. Any extra MAN could make a difference.
GENERAL JAMES SHIGETA
Any extra MAN, Your Highness?
EMPEROR PAT MORITA
Yes, General, any extra MAN. A single grain of rice can tip the scale, and that grain had better have a dong.
INT. ANCIENT CHINESE VILLAGE
MING-NA WEN runs into a BEAUTY SHOP, where her grandmother, JUNE FORAY, is waiting.
MING-NA WEN
Sorry I'm late, Grandma. I was busy establishing my character as a clumsy pixie dream girl who isn't taking this whole husband-finding thing seriously.
JUNE FORAY
Well, now you're here, so we can get your iconic costume made.
MING-NA WEN
Isn't Father's armor going to be my iconic costume?
JUNE FORAY
Oh, you WISH. Ladies?
DRESSERS
(to tune of "Honor to Us All")
The modern Disney princess is allowed to have a thought
As long as she can sing
As long as she is hot!
JUNE FORAY
Before you fight and smash
We will bind you in a bright red sash
Fashion montage first
And then kick ass
We will pander to them all!
MING-NA goes to see matchmaker MIRIAM MARGOLYES. CLUMSINESS ensues.
MIRIAM MARGOLYES
Oh, honey, I look like the kid from Up's crazy grandma and even I think you're hopeless.
MING-NA runs off in DISHONOR.
MING-NA WEN
(to tune of "Reflection")
Who is this girl on screen?
It could be any tween
Now you can project yourself
Into my shoes
This film would be all wrong
With no big "I Want" song
I am the projection of your hormonal angst!
Her father, SOON-TEK OH, joins her.
SOON-TEK OH
Hey, kiddo. No husband for you, huh?
MING-NA WEN
No. I guess you're the only man who will ever understand me.
SOON-TEK OH
I do, honey. And I always will.
Bureaucrat JAMES HONG rides up.
JAMES HONG
Attention, all able-bodied men! The Emperor wants YOU for the Chinese Army!
SOON-TEK OH
Welp, off I go.
MING-NA WEN
Father, no! You walk with a cane and you're like 50 years old! You wouldn't make it ten paces!
SOON-TEK OH
Ming-Na, get back in the house and get ready for your violin lesson!
MING-NA runs off in DISHONOR.
MING-NA WEN
If I'm to defeat the patriarchy... I must BECOME the patriarchy.
She steals SOON-TEK's ARMOR and runs off in HONOR. This awakens family ancestor GEORGE TAKEI'S GHOST, who awakens EDDRAGON MURPHY.
EDDRAGON MURPHY
OTAY! Whatcha need, big man? Say the word, I bring it to ya! I bring the fire, I bring the claws, I bring the bright red leather...
GEORGE TAKEI'S GHOST
ENOUGH, EDDRAGON. YOU MUST BRING MING-NA BACK TO HER FAMILY.
EDDRAGON MURPHY
That's it? Awww, man, I can do so much more than princess-hunt!
GEORGE TAKEI'S GHOST
YOU REALLY CAN'T. I'VE HEARD "PARTY ALL THE TIME." NOW GO.
EXT. MILITARY CAMP
EDDRAGON catches up with MING-NA.
EDDRAGON MURPHY
Did somebody order a designated animal sidekick?!
MING-NA WEN
Well, I already have the cricket.
FRANK WELKER
Chirp.
MING-NA WEN
And the horse.
FRANK WELKER
Neigh.
MING-NA WEN
And the puppy.
FRANK WELKER
That was someone else, actually. Where's my flask?
EDDRAGON MURPHY
Well, too bad! I'm here to teach you everything there is to know about manliness!
MING-NA WEN
You? You look like a flaccid penis with teeth. I'll pass.
EDDRAGON MURPHY
Listen, baby, I didn't even want to come to the studio to read these lines. Let's both try to make the best of this, huh?
MING-NA WEN
OK, fine. What do I do first?
EDDRAGON MURPHY
First we better find your designated human sidekicks. Try those guys, they belong here even less than you do. Go up there and talk about man things!
MING-NA walks over to THE UGLY SHORT ONE, THE SQUEAKY SKINNY ONE, and THE BIG FAT ONE.
MING-NA WEN
(coughs)
Ummm... How do you do, fellow males? Isn't it a lovely day to, uh, have a Y chromosome?
THE UGLY SHORT ONE
Listen, bub, I'm gonna threaten you into silence to mask my insecurity about my height.
THE SQUEAKY SKINNY ONE
Haha! I'm going to goad him on to mask my insecurity about my complete lack of muscle tone!
THE BIG FAT ONE
(stuffs face full of Kung Pao chicken)
Mmmf, mmmf. Mmmf mmmf mmmf mmmf mmmf, MMMF mmmf mmmf.
MING-NA WEN
God, men are disgusting. Why did I think it was a good idea to-
CAPTAIN B.D. WONG appears.
MING-NA WEN
Sploosh.
CAPTAIN B.D. WONG
Listen up, troops. My father, the general, expects me to be a younger, hotter version of himself, and the only way I can pull that off is for all of you to not suck. Now can you manage that on day 1, or do I need to inspire you to greatness in song first?
TROOPS
INSPIRE US IN SONG, SIR!
CAPTAIN B.D. WONG
That was the right answer.
(to tune of "I'll Make a Man Out of You")
Let's come out and say it
War is just for men
TROOPS
BRAH!
CAPTAIN B.D. WONG
Only cocks are worthy
Not some egg-filled hen
We just cannot stress this point enough
But in case we weren't clear:
Shut your mouth
Go inside
Get me beer!
THE UGLY SHORT ONE
That doesn't really help me much
Girls won't even bend to kiss me!
THE SQUEAKY SKINNY ONE
Think you've got it bad?
I sound like Wallace Shawn!
EDDRAGON MURPHY
These recruits are weak as hell!
MING-NA WEN
Hope they never see my boobies!
THE BIG FAT ONE
(stuffs face full of shrimp fried rice)
Mmmf mmmf mmmf mmmf mmmf mmmf
Mmmf mmmf mmmf mmmf MMMMMMMF!
TROOPS
Get us beer!
CAPTAIN B.D. WONG
Take off your shoes and bring me a sammich
TROOPS
And a beer!
CAPTAIN B.D. WONG
Agree with every dumb thing I say
TROOPS
Due to beer!
CAPTAIN B.D. WONG
Don't interrupt when I'm watching football
Unless you save all of China, don't complain!
TROOPS
BRAH!
They all stop sucking, including MING-NA!
EDDRAGON MURPHY
That's my girl! Now that she's completely over her incredible physical disadvantage, she can honor up, and so can I!
FRANK WELKER
(hey, dumbass, wasn't your job to bring her home?)
Chirp.
EDDRAGON MURPHY
Naw, fuck that. Write up a fake order from the general. We need to get to that mountain scene before things get stupid.
FRANK WELKER
(but they already cast you)
Chirp.
EDDRAGON MURPHY
You want me to turn you into protein powder? Start writing!
EXT. MOUNTAINS
The TROOPS march to the MEETING POINT, singing a JAUNTY TUNE.
TROOPS
(to tune of "A Girl Worth Fighting For")
When my spirits sag
And I feel like a wussy
Nothing gets them right back up
Like thoughts of pussy
I'll be pulling in the finest babes
Once all the Huns are gone
Now that I've got
A dick worth sitting on!
Suddenly, MIGUEL FERRER and the HUNS attack!
CAPTAIN B.D. WONG
Oh FUCK. Whatever you do, protect the cannons that won't exist for another 600 years at least!
MING-NA uses one of those to trigger an AVALANCHE that buries the HUNS but, somehow, none of the ARMY.
MING-NA WEN
WHO'S GOT A ROCKET IN HER POCKET NOW, BEEYOTCH!
(faints)
She is taken to a MEDICAL TENT.
MEDIC
I have diagnosed her with small tits. I mean, SMALL tits. Like, Lola Bunny got a better rack.
CAPTAIN B.D. WONG
Well, hey, there's a tag for that on Por- What do you mean, HER?
JAMES HONG
HA! I knew something was up when she skipped out on watching The Expendables! Off with her head!
CAPTAIN B.D. WONG
(pauses)
Nah. That cannon thing was sweet.
They leave MING-NA on the MOUNTAIN.
EDDRAGON MURPHY
Shit. I thought them titties would be small enough for the con.
MING-NA WEN
(sighs)
EDDRAGON MURPHY
Oh, I have to do the spirit-granny pep talk thing now, huh?
(coughs)
Listen to your heart, honey... Or is it WITH your heart?
But then MIGUEL and the HUNS emerge!
MING-NA WEN
Pep talk later. We've got a palace that won't exist for another 800 years at least to save!
EXT. FUCK ACCURACY
MIGUEL and the HUNS take EMPEROR PAT MORITA hostage.
MIGUEL FERRER
MWA-HA-HA! Now your nation belongs to me and these five other guys!
EMPEROR PAT MORITA
Whatever. I bet you can't even catch a fly with chopsticks.
MIGUEL FERRER
It's really fucking hard, okay?!
Outside, MING-NA catches up with the TROOPS.
MING-NA WEN
Hey, guys! Wanna save the Emperor?
THE UGLY SHORT ONE
Yeah!
THE SQUEAKY SKINNY ONE
Yeah!
THE BIG FAT ONE
(stuffs face full of sweet-and-sour pork)
MMMF!
MING-NA WEN
Great. Here are three dresses I found on the street somewhere I guess. You play concubines, and I'll do the real work.
INT. MOVIE THEATRE
LITTLE GIRL
Mommy, what's a "concubine?"
MOTHER
Ummm... It's kind of like Daddy's new wife, only with nicer makeup.
INT. IMPERIAL PALACE
MING-NA defeats MIGUEL with her COURAGE, CUNNING, and DRAGON. Mostly her DRAGON, if we're being honest.
EMPEROR PAT MORITA
Gotta admit, Ming-Na, that was pretty sweet. Reminds me of an unattractive American girl I once knew. Want to advise me?
MING-NA WEN
No, thanks. Can I go home?
EMPEROR PAT MORITA
All that and you want to end up right back where you started?!
MING-NA WEN
It's in the legend, dude.
INT. HOME
B.D. arrives.
CAPTAIN B.D. WONG
So it turns out you're pretty cute no matter which gender I think you are. Will you make a poorly received direct-to-video sequel with me?
JUNE FORAY
Do it, Ming-Na! Looks to me like "B.D." stands for "big damn," know what I mean?
MING-NA WEN
Okay, I'll give it a shot. But you have to promise to respect me as an equal and take on 50 percent of the housework and-
CAPTAIN B.D. WONG
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You still have that armor?
EDDRAGON MURPHY
So she gets a sword, a man, Pat Morita telling her she's cool... What do I get?!
GEORGE TAKEI'S GHOST
I HAVE SEEN NOMINATIONS FOR 12 MORE RAZZIES AND ONE OSCAR.
EDDRAGON MURPHY
Really? Do I win?
GEORGE TAKEI'S GHOST
...YEEEESSSS.
EDDRAGON MURPHY
HOT DAMN! Let's party!
GEORGE TAKEI'S GHOST
(smirks)
OHHH MYYY.
END