FADE IN:

EXT. ENGLAND

Eager young ANIMATORS sign up for the ADVENTURE OF A LIFETIME... or so they have been told.

ANIMATORS

(to tune of "The Virginia Company")

Jeff Katzenberg convinced us

This film was guaranteed

To score Best Picture gold

For the Walt Disney Company!

So we warped this real-life story

And we made it rated G

Real hist'ry can't be told

By the Walt Disney Company!

Meanwhile, in the MOVIE, MEL GIBSON and his sidekick CHRISTIAN BALE prepare to sail off to the NEW WORLD.

CHRISTIAN BALE

I sure hope you know what to expect from any humans we find on this vast continent, Mel.

MEL GIBSON

I've seen Peter Pan, haven't I? If they interrupt our exploring or our musical interludes, we'll kill them without question like everyone else.

CHRISTIAN BALE

I don't know what else I expected from Mel Gibson.

ADMITTEDLY VERY COOL FOG TRANSITION TO:

EXT. BLUE RIDGE MOUNTAINS, NOW WITH A COASTLINE BECAUSE FUCK MAPS

IRENE BEDARD stands beautifully and spiritually on a PERILOUSLY HIGH AND NARROW ROCK.

IRENE BEDARD

(to tune of "Steady as the Beating Drum")

Welcome to Virginia's coast!

Now with thousand-meter cliffs!

Time to go and meet the boats--

(dives)

THIS COULD KILL ME HOLY SHIIIIIIT

She emerges without any SPINAL CORD INJURIES and greets her father, CHIEF RUSSELL MEANS.

CHIEF RUSSELL MEANS

Good news, Irene! You've--

IRENE BEDARD

--gotten an offer of marriage from a guy I don't like, which makes me question whether or not I really want to be a princess.

CHIEF RUSSELL MEANS

Oh. How'd you guess?

IRENE BEDARD

(points to wall hanging depicting BELLE and JASMINE and leaving room for MULAN and MERIDA)

CHIEF RUSSELL MEANS

Okay, yeah, but you'll change your mind once I tell you that the guy is our bravest warrior, James Apaumut Fell! Just check out this fine stack of man-meat!

They look at JAMES, who is cleaning the BLOOD off his ARROWS while a gaggle of ADMIRING WOMEN stand by.

JAMES APAUMUT FELL

(nods at the admirer gaggle)

'Sup.

ADMIRER GAGGLE

(*SQUEE SWOON SPLOOSH*)

IRENE BEDARD

Not bad, but not as good as being playful and independent. I was thinking of taking a year off and doing a Eurostar tour, or maybe volunteering for Habitat for Humanity, and then come back and do the whole marriage thing?

CHIEF RUSSELL MEANS

Nice try. But you shouldn't overthink this. James may be less playful than most bacteria, but he does know how to make a proper dovetail joint, which matters a lot more in a marriage.

IRENE rows down the RIVER and away from her dad's STUPID BOOMER CRAP.

IRENE BEDARD

(to tune of "Just Around the Riverbend")

What I want most in a husband is

A guy who isn't too uptight

He should at least be capable of chilling

Oh, I'll grant you James is hot enough

With his pecs of solid bronze

But it seems the thing he likes the most is killing

I can't be his ladyfriend!

I won't be his ladyfriend!

He's not for me!

I won't be his ladyfriend!

Those hos who squee--

One can take my place!

There's gotta be

Someone cool among these men

I won't be his ladyfriend!

Not me!

She stops to chat with her spirit granny, LINDA HUNTREE.

IRENE BEDARD

Dad just doesn't get it. You can't just walk into any place and ask for a job like he did anymore. And what's the deal with him putting mayo on everything?

LINDA HUNTREE

Good thing you've come to me, a 400-year-old talking log, for modern wisdom. Shall I teach you how all the magic of creation exists within a single tiny seed?

IRENE BEDARD

Wrong tree grandma.

LINDA HUNTREE

Oh, right. Okay, here's one: Fuck the haters. You do you.

IRENE BEDARD

THAT I like.

(takes a duckface/gang-sign selfie)

EXT. FUTURE LOCATION OF MANY FIELD TRIPS THAT CAN'T POSSIBLY COMPETE WITH THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY

GOVERNOR DAVID OGDEN STIERS plants a BRITISH FLAG in the DIRT.

GOV. DAVID OGDEN STIERS

I hereby claim this land and all its shiny, sparkly riches in the wealthy name of King Metal the Precious and do so name this pile of bullion... Greedsburg.

MEL GIBSON

That doesn't sound right, sir.

GOV. DAVID OGDEN STIERS

What was that, Gibson? I couldn't hear you over the sound of all the gold that's definitely and without question here.

MEL GIBSON

Look, just because the Spanish--

GOV. DAVID OGDEN STIERS

Did you hear what I just said? GOOOOOOOOOOLD.

MEL GIBSON

Yeah. Of course. Because if we mentioned the resources we actually coveted and expected to find in real life, the viewers wouldn't understand from your smarmy voice and giant hat that you're a money-grubbing asshole.

GOV. DAVID OGDEN STIERS

If you're going to be the class buzzkill, go off into the woods and see if you can get some strange. The rest of you...

(to tune of "Mine, Mine, Mine")

Bring guns, germs, steel to the Natives!

Let's go, boys!

Wipe that tribe out!

If they show up

Blow up

All of their villages

Plunder and pillage as

Much and as hard as you feel

With firearms, germs, and steel!

Overhearing the singing, JAMES leads a scouting party to check it out, finding FELLED TREES and DISPLACED EARTH as far as the EYE can see. DAVID notices him.

GOV. DAVID OGDEN STIERS

They're carrying bows on their back and looking at us! THEY'RE THE ASSHOLES HERE!

The ENGLISHMEN fire immediately, injuring another SCOUT.

INJURED SCOUT

So much for "good guys with bows."

JAMES APAUMUT FELL

I wasn't wrong! We just need to talk Russell into putting together a well-regulated militia of good guys with bows!

EXT. WOMEN'S RAZOR COMMERCIAL

MEL comes across IRENE standing among some WATERFALLS.

MEL GIBSON

Damn, girl, you must be this land because I'ma conquer you.

IRENE BEDARD

(in Algonquian)

Da fuck?

MEL GIBSON

Don't speak the language, but your booty don't need explaining.

(unzips pants)

IRENE is alarmed, but calms down when a LEAF BREEZE uploads all of DUOLINGO into her BRAIN.

IRENE BEDARD

Jesus, dude, slow down!

MEL GIBSON

(rezips)

Sorry, you probably think I'm a creep, but I promise I'm a lot less creepy than the guy who's running this operation. I'm mostly here because AAA.com listed this place as one of its Best Mid-Atlantic Road Trip Ideas.

IRENE BEDARD

"Road?" Sorry, lost me again.

MEL GIBSON

Don't worry. You'll understand when we pour gravel all over your land so the animals we ride can shit all over it. By the way, you're welcome.

IRENE BEDARD

Real classy. Haven't you colonized all over the world? You should at least know how to sell people on this stuff.

MEL GIBSON

Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware that you people love nature. Just do me a solid and don't mind-control all the animals around here to attack us or whatever.

IRENE BEDARD

Oh. THAT bullshit again.

(to tune of "Colors of the Wind")

You think that Natives have some magic power

That lets us treat these animals like friends

But just because we don't shoot all their heads off

Doesn't mean we lack some basic common sense

You think that cub is just so cute and fuzzy

You promise you'll take reasonable care

But if you get between him and his mama...

MAMA BEAR

I will hit you with my paw.

I am a bear.

IRENE BEDARD

I have never seen an eagle on some rando's arm

I'm pretty sure that bobcats never smile

If I tried to run with deer

They wouldn't have it

We don't act like they're not creatures of the wild!

They're not pets

Don't even try

There's a good chance you will die

If you act like they're not creatures of the wild!

MEL GIBSON

Well, you sure put me in my place. Which is suddenly very close to your place given that I've been a dick to you this whole time.

IRENE BEDARD

You sure have. But you also didn't shoot all the heads off every animal we just saw, which gives you a point over the other guy.

She heads back to her VILLAGE, where another TRIBE is arriving.

JAMES APAUMUT FELL

Look, Irene! With these extra good guys with bows, we'll get rid of those crackers in no time!

IRENE BEDARD

Um, you are all the way hard right now and I can totally tell.

JAMES APAUMUT FELL

Yeah, that happens when I talk about killing. Just so you know.

(winks)

IRENE BEDARD

(sighs)

Make that two points.

EXT. ENGLISH CAMP

MEL returns.

MEL GIBSON

So the bad news is that there's no gold, just corn. But what corn lacks in spot price, it makes up for in volume.

GOV. DAVID OGDEN STIERS

Corn? Not shiny enough. We'll dig until we hit the Earth's molten lava core if we have to. What's the good news?

MEL GIBSON

It turns out the Natives know more than sweet fuck all about this place, which could be helpful, so we don't have to be complete monsters to them. I'm sure that'll make all of us feel better.

GOV. DAVID OGDEN STIERS

You got some strange, didn't you?

MEL GIBSON

...I'm working on it.

GOV. DAVID OGDEN STIERS

Well, Mel, you've forgotten that the only thing I love more than gold is taking things from other people without the slightest remorse, and that includes their lives. So you should think long and hard before you give me a pretext to do it to these people. Like getting yourself captured.

MEL GIBSON

Ha! They'll never take my freedom.

(leaves)

GOV. DAVID OGDEN STIERS

Christian! Go cock-block him.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Me, sir? The unmuscled wuss who has done nothing but trip over his own two feet this whole movie?

GOV. DAVID OGDEN STIERS

You're going to be the most respectable actor in the entire cast one day, so we can't just let you do nothing.

EXT. IRENE'S GRANDMA'S PLACE

IRENE and MEL meet up for another HOT DATE.

MEL GIBSON

I'm gonna bag this mission and stay here with you. I've been working on a new name. What do you think of "Chooses Bad Historical Scripts"? Or "Sings Only Slightly Better Than Gerard Butler"?

IRENE BEDARD

Well, if it were up to me, it would be "Dances with No Pants On" right now...

LINDA HUNTREE

Listen, I'm flattered that the two of you take my approval so seriously, but I really don't need to see anything you're about to do. So let me leave you with some ancient wisdom: Shit's gonna get bad REAL soon and it's up to you two to clean it up.

IRENE BEDARD

Wait, why?

LINDA HUNTREE

Ask me later, dear. Matlock is on.

(turns back into lumber)

MEL GIBSON

So, you were saying something about no pants?

They start making out, not realizing that JAMES is watching!

JAMES APAUMUT FELL

DUUUHHH STAY AWAY FROM MY GURL!

He and MEL start brawling.

IRENE BEDARD

James, I'm not your girl! You wouldn't want me for your girl! I'm a vegetarian! I take forever in the bathroom! I'll make you take me to see Hairspray and then refuse to let you go to the Super Bowl! What's it gonna take?!

Then CHRISTIAN fires his ONE GOOD SHOT right into JAMES.

IRENE BEDARD

(facepalms)

Oh, you done FUCKED UP now.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Now you tell me I fucked up by NOT fucking up? God, I just CAN'T win with ANY of you people!

(stifles sob)

(buries nose in worn copy of "Who Moved My Cheese?")

EXT. NATIVE CAMP

MEL gets tied up.

CHIEF RUSSELL MEANS

So, anything to say for yourself, Riggs?

MEL GIBSON

(glowers)

CHIEF RUSSELL MEANS

Nothing? I know you have it in you. I've heard the tapes.

MEL GIBSON

You're one to talk. You called all the Englishmen "savages."

CHIEF RUSSELL MEANS

Oh, I'm sorry I don't think much of the people who killed our best warrior, cut down giant swaths of our forest, destroyed acres of our arable land, and came here with every intention of doing that in spite of our presence, all under orders to shoot us on sight if we didn't let them do it without question. SHOULD I JUST GO UP TO THE BAD MAN AND ASK HIM TO MAKE NICE-NICE?

MEL GIBSON

But you called them names.

CHIEF RUSSELL MEANS

Okay, you and your New York Times bullshit die tomorrow.

EVERYONE prepares for battle. See? They're ALL doing it. You might say BOTH SIDES are doing it.

ANIMATORS

(to tune of "Savages")

There's valid points!

Valid points!

We're not casting blame here!

Valid points!

Valid points!

They all have a few!

See, this guy paints his face

And that guy wants a race war

We respect each point of view!

Such valid points!

Valid points!

We're not here to judge them--

Just provide their equal due!

RUSSELL is about to beat MEL'S BRAINS out when...

IRENE BEDARD

(throws herself in the way)

Dad, don't kill Mel!

CHIEF RUSSELL MEANS

Is this because you have wisdom beyond your years? Are you showing me that we’ve come here with anger in our hearts? That we should have courage and understanding instead?

IRENE BEDARD

Yeah, all that, plus there's a whole company of men with guns pointed at you and I'd rather NOT see the whole tribe wiped out.

CHIEF RUSSELL MEANS

Point taken. All right, David, let's find a better way forward for everyone.

(hands him a Pepsi)

GOV. DAVID OGDEN STIERS

Forget it. There's no gold and this armor makes me look like a potbelly stove. I deserve this.

He fires at RUSSELL, but MEL takes the bullet!

CHIEF RUSSELL MEANS

Mel, you really do want to be one of us!

MEL GIBSON

Whatever it takes... as long as... I'm not English...

(passes out)

EXT. SHORE

MEL gets loaded onto the SHIP.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Mel's gonna hate this, but the only way he'll survive is if we send him off to sea, risking storms and scurvy, so an English doctor can treat his septic bullet wounds weeks later.

IRENE BEDARD

Will I ever see him again?

CHRISTIAN BALE

Based on previous direct-to-video sequels, you won't want to. So no hard feelings about the whole almost-war thing?

IRENE BEDARD

It's cool. David was just a bad apple, I guess.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Right? I'm so glad you get that!

He joins the SHIP and they sail off.

CHIEF RUSSELL MEANS

Well, daughter, think we'll ever get a live-action remake?

IRENE BEDARD

No, Father. Some quests for money just aren't worth it.

END