The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
EXT. AGRABAH
We open in AGRABAH, a BROADLY ARABIC-LOOKING CITY with a BROADLY ARABIC-SOUNDING NAME where all the signs are in BROADLY ARABIC-SEEMING GIBBERISH.
SINGER
(to the tune of “Arabian Nights”)
Oh I come from a time
An embarrassing age
Where uncomfortable shit went down
Where the villains and thugs
Had more Arabic mugs
While the hero was far less brown
Where the accents were vague
And the faces grotesque
And the voice actors were all white
So come on, follow me
Watch this movie and see
What we used to consider all right
These stereotyyyyypes
Haven’t aged very weeeellll
We swear at the time
We thought it was fine
Guess you never can tell
These stereotyyyyypes
Wouldn’t fly nowadaaayyys
So as you look back
Please cut us some slack
For our fucked-up old ways
The SINGER turns out to be a TRAVELLING MERCHANT with the non-singing voice of ROBIN WILLIAMS.
SECOND BIT PART FOR ROBIN WILLIAMS
Greetings, audience! Would you like to buy this crappy-looking lamp? It has an amazing story behind it which I will now relate to you, and since I already lied about some of my other goods and the movie never cuts back to this framing device, literally the only purpose this scene serves is to suggest that the whole movie is bullshit made up by a crook to hock some garbage. On with the show!
EXT. DESERT
Incredibly evil-looking vizier JONATHAN FREEMAN and his parrot GILBERT GOTTFRIED are waiting in the desert. Slimeball CHARLIE ADLER rides up to them.
CHARLIE ADLER
Here’s the half-a-scarab you asked me to - wait a minute, why are you wearing your ceremonial robes in the middle of the desert?
GILBERT GOTTFRIED
SO WHAT IF HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT BEING PRACTICAL OR COMFORTABLE OR DISCREET RAWWWK!
CHARLIE ADLER
(covering ears)
Ow! What the fuck?! Are you being voiced by a human, or a foghorn being run through a woodchipper?
JONATHAN puts the two SCARAB HALVES together, which causes a giant TIGER HEAD to grow out of the SAND.
TIGER CAVE
Hey guys! Just a heads up, there’s like ONE person in the whole world worthy of entry. Anybody else, I chomp in half.
JONATHAN FREEMAN
Okay... couldn’t you just stay shut if the wrong person wants to go in?
TIGER CAVE
Sure, or I could tell people in advance, “Nope it’s not you, sorry”. But instead I like to let people take their chances and then murder literally anybody who gets it wrong. It’s how I get off, I guess.
CHARLIE ADLER
Well what the hey, maybe a smelly murderer/thief is the chosen one, might as well walk straight into the literal tiger’s mouth-
(chomped)
TIGER CAVE
Ha ha, punk’d!
GILBERT GOTTFRIED
DAMNIT! GUESS WE GOTTA GO FIND THIS “DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH” GUY THEN!
JONATHAN FREEMAN
(taking Advil)
Ugh, I can’t believe that there are thousands of people who will pay to hear you talk for a solid hour. Fine then, let’s go find this boy, worn-down, emaciated, flea-bitten street person that I assume he is.
EXT. STREETS
SCOTT WEINGER is a clean-cut, fresh-faced youth who looks as happy and healthy as a model you’d feature in the brochure for a hip college.
SCOTT WEINGER
(to the tune of “One Jump Ahead”)
I’m buff
Impossibly handsome
Well-groomed
And quite clean too
I don’t
Look like homeless people do
They say
I’m rough on the surface
My charms
Lie underneath
Bullshit
Just check out my perfect teeth!
He is forced to FLEE FOR HIS LIFE from ARMED GUARDS just to scrape up a morsel of FOOD and not STARVE TO DEATH. This grim situation is shown to us as WACKY SLAPSTICK, with a CUTE MONKEY thrown in.
SCOTT WEINGER
Phew, got away. But look, my pet monkey Frank Welker, starving children! I should give them half my hard-won bread, to show that I truly am noble at heart! In fact, I should give them ALL my bread and starve myself, to show that I’m also kind of a thickhead!
FRANK WELKER
I too will reluctantly give up my bread, so that hopefully the audience will be less likely to notice that I’m kind of an asshole for the rest of the movie.
INT. PALACE
Meanwhile, on the opposite end of the socioeconomic spectrum, sultan DOUGLAS SEALE is berating his daughter LINDA LARKIN.
DOUGLAS SEALE
Damnit, Linda, why can’t you choose a prince to marry? You know the law states that you must marry a prince by your next birthday, which is in only three days!
LINDA LARKIN
Or what?
DOUGLAS SEALE
Come again?
LINDA LARKIN
What happens if I haven’t married a prince by my next birthday? Am I beheaded? Do you abdicate the throne? Does Agrabah get swallowed up by the earth? I just don’t understand what the stakes are here.
DOUGLAS SEALE
Look, just pick a dude and marry him! Lord knows I don’t ask for much, I mean I let you dress like a belly dancer don’t I?
JONATHAN FREEMAN
Sire, if I may offer some advice-
DOUGLAS SEALE
AGH, A DEMON FROM HELL!!! Oh, my mistake, it’s just my vizier, who in attempting to pass himself off as innocent and trustworthy always dresses like he’s about to sacrifice a baby to Satan.
JONATHAN FREEMAN
Yeah well they could have written me as a sneaky and clever manipulator, but it was easier just to give me a hypno-stick.
(hypnotizes Douglas)
GIVE ME THE MAGICAL DIAMOND THAT YOU HAPPEN TO BE WEARING RIGHT NOW FOR SOME REASON.
DOUGLAS SEALE
...sure here you go...
JONATHAN FREEMAN
ALSO SEEINGS AS I HAVE TOTAL CONTROL OVER YOU, CHANGE THE LAW SO THAT YOU CAN ABDICATE IN MY FAVOR, THEN DO THAT. Ah, never mind, that’d be too easy I guess.
He goes and does some MAGIC to the DIAMOND, conjuring up an image of SCOTT.
JONATHAN FREEMAN
Aha! A grainy image of some peasant! I’m sure if I describe it to some guards they’ll be able to find him and catch him for me, despite their having spent years failing to do that exact thing with this exact criminal.
EXT. MARKET
LINDA has run away from the PALACE in an act of BRATTY TEENAGE REBELLION.
LINDA LARKIN
My peasant disguise is so perfect, I’m sure I don’t need to go so far as to take off my enormous solid-gold earrings! And I’m equally sure that I’ll get along fine despite having less than zero understanding of how the outside world works. Like, paying for stuff, is that a thing? Who even knows!
(accidentally steals apple)
STOREKEEPER
Why you little! I should have you arrested, and then you may be sentenced to have your hand amputated if the crime is deemed sufficiently heinous OR I COULD JUST CHOP YOUR HAND OFF RIGHT HERE AND NOW WHICH HAS NEVER BEEN A THING FOR OBVIOUS REASONS!!
Fortunately, SCOTT sees this and intervenes.
SCOTT WEINGER
Why thank you for finding my poor mentally-challenged sister, kind sir! I’m sure this can all be-
STOREKEEPER
Whoa, hold up, aren’t you that famous criminal that everyone in Agrabah seemed to know by name in that song number earlier?
SCOTT WEINGER
....BYE
(flees)
He escorts LINDA back to his ROOFTOP HIDEOUT.
SCOTT WEINGER
First time on the streets, huh? Let me tell you, it’s tough out here! No food, no shelter, the law constantly out to get you, no chance of ever escaping this dead-end nothing existence...
LINDA LARKIN
I understand. My life is every bit as nightmarish. My father insists that as soon as I find a man I’d be happy to marry, I have to get MARRIED!
SCOTT WEINGER
...
LINDA LARKIN
So yeah, that’s as bad as the fact that you’re gonna die forgotten in a gutter by the time you’re twenty-five, right?
SCOTT WEINGER
You’re lucky you’re hot, lady.
They start to kiss, and it’s entirely ambiguous whether they’re just about to FUCK when they get interrupted by GUARDS WHO ARREST SCOTT!
LINDA LARKIN
Hey! I’m the princess and I order you to release him!
GUARD
Sorry, we have orders from Jonathan, who in addition to being vizier is also in charge of law enforcement apparently? Honestly that palace seems crazy understaffed, only three people seem to live there.
LINDA LARKIN
Yeah well, let’s you and me both escort Scott to Jonathan and talk this out! Would be the obvious thing for me to demand right now but NOPE
INT. DUNGEON
SCOTT is chained to a wall in the dungeon. FRANK sneaks in and picks his lock.
SCOTT WEINGER
Nice work, Frank! Now I’m free to stare uselessly at the impassable locked doors and barred windows.
JONATHAN GROSSOLDMAN
(sidling up)
I can help you there! I’m a fellow prisoner despite knowing how to get out of here, I dress in rags but have precious jewels in my pockets, wanna come find treasure in a cave with me?
SCOTT WEINGER
...You are the single most suspicious human being I have ever seen and I absolutely should not go anywhere with you.
JONATHAN GROSSOLDMAN
True, I really suck at this sneaky disguise shit. Wanna know what I’m using for my fake hump? A LIVE PARROT. What the fuck is wrong with me? Anyway, pretty pleeeaaase come with me.
SCOTT WEINGER
Fine, I guess I’ve got nothing better to do.
EXT. DESERT
JONATHAN takes SCOTT out to the DESERT, where they open up the TIGER CAVE again.
TIGER CAVE
Okay, you’re cool. And I apparently have no objection to your monkey either. Just don’t touch anything except the lamp or I’ll kill you.
SCOTT WEINGER
You really do like murder, don’t you? Anyway, maybe I should leave Frank out here if I’m not supposed to touch anything, after all he is a bit of a dumb kleptomaniac with zero impulse control-
TIGER CAVE
Kid, please, I can only hold my mouth open for so long, just get in my belly already.
SCOTT and FRANK head down into the CAVE. Amongst all the TREASURE they find a SENTIENT FLYING CARPET.
SCOTT WEINGER
Just what this movie needs, more non-human sidekicks. I think it’s trying to communicate with us! What’s that, boy? Despite being just a non-speaking rectangle you manage to have more charisma than either of the romantic leads? Well fuck you too.
The CARPET shows them to a CHAMBER where a dusty old LAMP sits. But right as SCOTT picks it up, that idiot FRANK grabs a GIANT RUBY.
TIGER CAVE
Ha ha, sweet, that means I get to kill you guys! Enjoy getting melted by lava, dipshits!
The cave starts SHAKING APART and DISSOLVING INTO LAVA! SCOTT and FRANK jump aboard the CARPET and SPEED THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!!
SCOTT WEINGER
Hurry, carpet!! Swoop dramatically through these primitive 1992 computer graphics that make no architectural sense!!! How did we even get past the two-hundred-foot sheer vertical wall on our way in?!
They make it to the mouth of the CAVE and are all set to ESCAPE but then JONATHAN does EVIL SHIT because of course he does and the cave collapses and they’re trapped.
SCOTT WEINGER
FUCK! Oh well, at least I got his stupid crappy lamp. Wait, what’s this written on the side? It’s hard to make out, probably because we’re buried forty feet underground and there shouldn’t even be any light in the first place...
He rubs the LAMP, which then goes CRAZY and spits out THE ENTIRE REASON THIS MOVIE EVEN EXISTS!
ROBIN WILLIAMS
Hey there, everybody! I’m in a surprisingly chipper mood despite just having been stuck in a jar for ten thousand years!
SCOTT WEINGER
Ten thousand years? This design of lamp was less than two thousand years old even when this movie came out...
ROBIN WILLIAMS
Yeah well, there’s this whole theory that this is actually the post-apocalyptic future and look just don’t worry about it! I’m here now, so it’s time we threw all logic out the window and just fucked around with general nuttiness for a while!
(becomes a French chef)
After all, mon ami, ze only animation zat I, Robin Fucking Williams, have ever gotten to do until now-
(becomes Jerry Lewis)
-is that ferschlugginer Ferngully piece of shmelvin, ga-HEY-
(becomes dolphin juggling chainsaws)
-so now EE-EEE it’s time to really let loose and go berzerk EEE EE EEE EEEE-
(becomes human pyramid of nine Zsa Zsa Gabors and one sumo wrestler)
-and see what this medium can do with my patented breathless rapid-fire improvised monologues full of characters and impressions and general weird ideas all piled on top of one another!
(becomes the entire cast of Animal House flying the Starship Enterprise through Hieronymus Bosch’s Garden of Earthly Delights)
ANIMATORS
JESUS FUCK, SLOW DOWN YOU PSYCHOPATH
ROBIN WILLIAMS
What’s that? You want me to transition to an elaborate psychedelic musical number? Well if you say so!
ANIMATORS
FUCK YOOOUUUUU
ROBIN WILLIAMS
(to the tune of “Friend Like Me”)
Well Mork and Mindy’s kinda dated now
And yes, Patch Adams was a huge mistake
But even in my cheesy crap, somehow
You’ll find an energy you just can’t fake
Yessir the speed with which I improvise
And switch characters is just insane
I am so manic, frenzied, energized
You’d half suspect I was still on cocaine!
My style is so unique
If light on subtlety
I’m a frothing, hyperactive freak
Yeah there has never been a star like me!
It’s stream of consciousness
Turned into comedy
I’m a goddamn comic genius
And there will never be a star like me!
(bows)
Anyway you get three wishes.
SCOTT WEINGER
Three wishes, huh? In that case I smish for you to get us out this cave!
ROBIN WILLIAMS
You got it!
(gets them out of the cave)
Wait a minute. DAMNIT. You win this round, I guess.
SCOTT WEINGER
Now what should I wish for? Hookers? Blow? Hookers AND blow? A sequel that doesn’t go direct to video and also doesn’t suck? This is hard! What would you pick?
ROBIN WILLIAMS
Well not being a slave stuck in a tiny tin can is always nice. But then, you already have that.
SCOTT WEINGER
Why are you complaining about the size of the lamp? You have infinite control over your size and shape and surroundings. Couldn’t you just shrink down to the size of a paramecium in there, then create your own world and populate it with strippers? But whatever, if you want I’ll use my third wish to free you.
ROBIN WILLIAMS
SWEET! And I promise that when you do, I totally won’t get revenge on humanity by razing all your cities to ash.
SCOTT WEINGER
Awesome! Now, I want to marry Linda, so I wish I was a prince.
ROBIN WILLIAMS
Okay. How are we gonna play this? Am I gonna magically create a populated country out of nothing and make you prince of that? Or am I gonna find an existing country, disintegrate the current rulers and put you on the throne in their place?
SCOTT WEINGER
Actually it seems like all you really do is put me in a fancy costume.
EXT. AGRABAH
Soon, a SNAZZIED-UP SCOTT rides into AGRABAH at the front of an ENORMOUS SHOW-OFF PROCESSION.
ROBIN WILLIAMS
(to the tune of “Prince Ali”)
Prince Ali!
He’s royalty
Nobody’s heard of!
That’s not odd
He’s not a fraud
Definitely!
Check out his monkeys and birds
His wealth is frankly absurd
Still it’s not strange noone’s heard of him previously!
Prince Ali!
From a country
Nobody’s heard of!
Don’t you dare
Ask as to where
That place might be!
Just trust us, it’s for the best
To not put this to the test
Just roll with it and don’t question Prince Ali!
They burst into the palace and greet DOUGLAS, LINDA and JONATHAN.
LINDA LARKIN
Hmm, this guy seems vaguely familiar, but I don’t know from where. Curse my inability to recognize somebody I spent hours with just yesterday if he puts on a hat!
JONATHAN FREEMAN
I too have the inability to identify human faces, vague female blob.
SCOTT WEINGER
I am a super wealthy and powerful prince, so surely you will marry me, Linda! I certainly don’t recall having a whole conversation with you about how much you don’t want to be married off to some rich schmuck.
LINDA LARKIN
You asshole jerk! I should be allowed to make my own decisions!
SCOTT WEINGER
You should be allowed to make your own decisions!
LINDA LARKIN
(swoons)
Now I’m moist for you, even though all you did was bounce my own opinion back at me like a parrot.
SCOTT WEINGER
Score! Wanna come on a carpet ride with me? That’s not a euphemism, to be clear.
LINDA LARKIN
Sure, I suppose a gentle glide over the rooftops could be a romantic way to-
The CARPET speeds them up to the STRATOSPHERE and doing LOOP-THE-LOOPS and DROPPING THEM and CATCHING THEM and all kinds of CRAZY STUNT SHIT.
LINDA LARKIN
(to the tune of “A Whole New World”)
OH HOLY FUUUUUUCK
WE’RE LIKE A MILE UP IN THE SKY
AND I CAN’T HELP NOTICING
THIS CRAZY THING
DOES NOT HAVE ANY SEATBELTS
OH HOLY FUUUUUUCK
THIS IS INSANE, WE’RE GONNA DIE
THAT'S NOT HOW YOU CHARM A GIRL
I’M GONNA HURL
WHY DID YOU THINK I’D LIKE THIS, FUCKING WHY?!?
They go to EGYPT and GREECE and CHINA because apparently they’re traveling at FIVE THOUSAND MILES AN HOUR.
LINDA LARKIN
Well I’m seduced, improbably enough. Especially seeings as I finally realized you’re the guy from yesterday! So what’s your deal anyway?
SCOTT WEINGER
Uh, well I actually AM a prince, but sometimes I go out on the streets and pretend to be a homeless guy!
(pause)
A homeless guy that the cops are after!
(pause)
In a whole other country to the one I come from!
(pause)
PLEASE BELIEVE THIS BULLSHIT!!
LINDA LARKIN
(is a total idiot)
Okay, durrrr!
They rocket back to AGRABAH at MACH 10 and SCOTT drops LINDA back at her room. But then JONATHAN has some GUARDS grab SCOTT and dump him into the OCEAN!
JONATHAN FREEMAN
Mwa ha ha, this is an excellent gambit! As long as the huge coterie he brought with him doesn’t raise a stink about where their prince went, causing an intensive investigation which leads to one of the guards cracking and confessing that I had the guy whacked. Whatever, I’m sure I’ll be fine!
Meanwhile, a drowning SCOTT manages to rub the LAMP just before he passes out, summoning ROBIN.
ROBIN WILLIAMS
Oh no, Scott! Wake up, Scott! I can’t save you unless you make a wish!! Even though I saved you from that cave earlier without a wish no problem!!! Ah fuck it, I’ll just count this as a wish, I’m sure that fits within the vague-as-fuck rules.
He pulls SCOTT out of the water and REVIVES HIM. Then they go and reveal all about JONATHAN, who FLEES THE PALACE.
SCOTT WEINGER
Okay cool, happy ending then! I beat the bad guy, got the girl, and one day Douglas will die and I’ll suddenly be expected to rule an entire nation OH FUCK I DIDN’T THINK OF THAT. Shit. SHIT.
(summons Robin)
Hey, remember that whole “I’ll set you free” thing? Well, bad news. Turns out I’ve trapped myself in an inescapable web of lies, and I gotta keep you around just in case precisely one more wish is enough to make everything cool forever.
ROBIN WILLIAMS
Oh COME ON. How are you not seeing the obvious answer here? You set me free, on the CONDITION that I then grant all your wishes for like fifty years. That way I get freedom, you get like a million more wishes. IT’S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.
SCOTT WEINGER
Sorry, I’m actually having one of Disney’s first legitimately interesting character arcs, so I’m afraid I’m just gonna have to be a cowardly asshole for now.
He walks off. But then GILBERT sneaks in, swipes the LAMP, and takes it to JONATHAN!
GILBERT GOTTFRIED
GREAT PLAN, BOSS! I ESPECIALLY LIKED THE PART WHERE IT ALL HINGED ON SCOTT LEAVING THE LAMP LYING AROUND, WHICH IS SOMETHING HE HAD NEVER DONE UNTIL THAT EXACT MINUTE!
JONATHAN FREEMAN
STOP SCREAMING!!!
He rubs the LAMP and becomes ROBIN’S NEW MASTER.
JONATHAN FREEMAN
For my first wish, I wish to be sultan!
ROBIN WILLIAMS
Fine then, I’ll put Douglas’s clothes on you, which is seemingly all it takes? Then I’ll pick up the palace and awkwardly balance it on some mountain, which doesn’t really have anything to do with anything.
JONATHAN FREEMAN
Neato! And for my second wish, I wish I was the most powerful sorceror in the world!
ROBIN WILLIAMS
Zap, now you have the ability to do basically any magic thing with your mind. But I also changed your clothes to slightly pointier versions of your old ones, so maybe that means you’re not sultan anymore?
JONATHAN FREEMAN
Oh, being royalty isn’t JUST determined by what clothes you happen to be wearing. Now I will use my magic to change Scott’s outfit, thus de-princing him!
(pause)
Okay yeah that does seem to be the system we’re running with.
He zaps SCOTT to ANTARCTICA or something, but then SCOTT just immediately jumps on the carpet and comes back.
INT. MOUNTAINSIDE PALACE
SCOTT sneaks in and tries to get the LAMP from JONATHAN.
JONATHAN FREEMAN
Mwa ha ha, now that I am the most powerful human being in the world, I’m using that power to make Douglas wear a silly costume and Linda wear a slightly skimpier outfit than before! I really am easily amused, aren’t I.
Then he spots SCOTT, OH NO!
SCOTT WEINGER
Whoopsie! I guess you’ll use your magic powers to dissolve me into ash, then?
JONATHAN FREEMAN
Oh but why would I instantly win, when instead I can attack you with... DAD JOKES!!
(actual line)
Your TIME is up!
(traps Linda in hourglass)
(also actual line)
Don’t TOY with me!
(turns Frank into wind-up toy)
(another actual line)
Things are UNRAVELING fast now!
(unravels carpet)
(he just keeps doing this)
Get the POINT?
(swords fall)
(seriously why does the guy love puns so much all of a sudden, it’s crazy out of character)
I’m just getting WARMED UP!
(breathes fire)
SCOTT WEINGER
Are you afraid to fight me yourself, you cowardly snake?!
JONATHAN FREEMAN
...Wow. You walked right into this one, chump.
(turns into giant snake)
SCOTT WEINGER
Uh, I mean, are you afraid to fight me yourself, you... cowardly... feather duster?
JONATHAN SNAKEMAN
Nice try. PUN TIME IS OVER.
(attacks)
SCOTT WEINGER
(being constricted to death)
Uh oh! Well, uh... I guess it could be worse, you could have wished to be a genie! Yep, thank goodness you’re too much of a lame loser to turn into a genie. That’s exactly what I DON’T want you to do.
JONATHAN SNAKEMAN
Nuts to you! I can turn into a genie as much as the next guy! Genie, I wish I was a genie, SO THERE!
(turns into genie)
(gets trapped in lamp)
Well dang. This is a pretty crappy fate I guess.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED
I AM TRAPPED IN HERE ALSO!
JONATHAN FREEMAN
NNNOOOOOOOOO SOMEBODY KILL MEEEEEE!!!
ROBIN WILLIAMS
Ha, and now to bury him in the tiger cave until somebody summons him in ten thousand years!
(throws lamp into desert)
Say, do you suppose this is how those evil wish-twisting murder genies get started?
SCOTT WEINGER
Ah, we can use one of the half-assed sequels to fix that.
ROBIN WILLIAMS
YOU can if you want.
Then all of JONATHAN’S EVIL SPELLS undo themselves for some reason! And the PALACE magically rematerializes in its old location, which makes EVEN LESS SENSE!
ROBIN WILLIAMS
And now I guess you need to use your last wish to get re-princed. Even though, seriously, the ONLY thing Jonathan did to my original prince magic was take away the fancy clothes. You could probably just raid Douglas’s closet and be fine.
SCOTT WEINGER
Nah, it’s cool, my character arc is complete so I’ve stopped the whole selfish asshole thing. I wish for your freedom!
The BRACERS pop off of ROBIN’S WRISTS, meaning that he is now FREE!
ROBIN WILLIAMS
Wow, that was such a stirring and cathartic image! Hope it doesn’t totally undermine it if I have them back on again without explanation for both sequels and the entire animated series.
DOUGLAS SEALE
And what the hey, I’ve just decided that zap, law changed, now Linda can totally marry Scott if she wants.
LINDA LARKIN
...Are you seriously fucking telling me it was that simple the whole time. What the FUCK, that means there was NEVER AN ACTUAL PROBLEM YOU SENILE OLD TURD.
SCOTT WEINGER
Okay, ACTUAL happy ending then! I beat the bad guy PROPERLY, got the girl FOR REAL, and one day Douglas will die and I’ll STILL suddenly be expected to rule an entire nation but that’s no longer a problem somehow! Now we can all live happily ever after!
LINDA LARKIN
Well, until 2019 at least.
SCOTT WEINGER
...Why? What happens to us in 2019?
LINDA LARKIN
You absolutely don’t want to know.
END.