The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
EXT. AFRICA
A whole bunch of ANIMALS trudge reluctantly off to meet the new APEX PREDATOR who will one day be in charge of DEVOURING THEM.
ANIMALS
(to the tune of “The Circle of Life”)
From the day we arrive on the planet
And, blinking, step into the sun
We strain and strive
To keep barely alive
Oy, this world is a merciless one
We mostly die off as infants
As a snack for a ravenous beast
Yes it’s life of a sort
Nasty, brutish, and short
When you are part of a living feast
It’s a sad, cruel old life
When you’re always viewed
By the ruling class
As a pile of food
It’s a struggle to live
And it’s just exhausting
In this sad, cruel
And sucky old life!
High over the peasants, a newborn LION CUB is held aloft. Reminded of the neverending cycle of carnage, the crowd starts SHRIEKING and FLAILING in FUTILE PROTEST at the CALLOUS INIQUITIES of this INDIFFERENT UNIVERSE.
EXT. LION KINGDOM
Later, that CUB has partially grown up and become JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS. His dad, KING JAMES EARL JONES, takes him on a tour of their domain.
JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS
Yeesh, that opening parody song was bleak. Do we really screw over the herbivores that badly?
JAMES EARL JONES
No, I have a tortured justification for that. So, yes, we DO chase down vulnerable animals and tear them to pieces and eat their flesh. But then years later, after we die peacefully of old age, they can eat grass that’s been nourished by our remains. And that’s pretty much the same thing, right?
JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS
Call me crazy, but I’m still thinking we get the better end of that particular arrangement.
JAMES EARL JONES
Whatever, we don’t give the gazelles or zebras and stuff voices anyway so who gives a shit about them. Now, look around at these pride lands. All of this will be yours one day.
JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS
Huh? Aren’t I supposed to get kicked out of the pride when I grow up? Then go murder the leader of another pride? And eat his kids?
JAMES EARL JONES
Dear GOD no! Look kid, we want to avoid as much actual lion behavior as possible, okay? Those things are massive assholes.
JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS
Fine then, we’ll go with the direct line of succession thing. Just saying, our genetic diversity is going to be well fucked.
JAMES EARL JONES
Exactly, just like real royalty. Oh, and that dark valley over there is forbidden, okay?
JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS
(strokes chin mischievously)
Ooohh, forbidden you say...
JAMES EARL JONES
Uh huh.
(pause)
(goes home)
(has dinner)
(goes to bed)
(wakes up, slaps forehead)
"Because it's full of murderous hyenas who will tear you open from end to end"! I KNEW I forgot to say something important!
EXT. PLAINS
JONATHAN is out with his friend NIKITA CALAME, under the supervision of hornbill ROWAN ATKINSON.
NIKITA CALAME
We need to slip away so we can visit your dad's forbidden valley of mysteries. If only we weren't stuck with this damn chaperone!
ROWAN ATKINSON
Yes, to protect and control you two lions, they have assigned a small fussy bird. How EVER will you overcome such an obstacle.
JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS
I know how to handle this. Hey, various animals, distract Rowan for me with an elaborate technicolor acid trip!
ANIMALS
Y-YES SIR, PLEASE DON'T GET YOUR FATHER TO EAT US SIR
(start dancing frenziedly)
JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS
Eh heh heh, man I love abusing my nearly infinite power.
(to the tune of "I Just Can't Wait to Be King")
I'm gonna be the shittest king
I possibly can be
I seem to think the point of it
Is glory unto ME
I'm self-involved and arrogant
And slightly power-mad
The only way I'm qualified
Is I've got the right dad
But hey, that's all you need to be a king!
Isn't that just terrifying?
ROWAN is effectively DETAINED, and JONATHAN and NIKITA run off into an ELEPHANT GRAVEYARD. Within minutes, they find themselves cornered by hyenas WHOOPI GOLDBERG, CHEECH MARIN, and JIM CUMMINGS.
NIKITA CALAME
Oh no, hyenas! The most evil, scummy bottom-feeders in all of Africa!
WHOOPI GOLDBERG
US?! Are you shitting me, what about all the times you guys let us do all the hard work of bringing an animal down, then chase us off and eat it yourselves, you kill-stealing jackholes?
JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS
Hey, we already made it clear this isn't fucking Nat Geo Wild. Besides, we look regal as shit, while you guys look like dogs and goats had a crack baby, so who do you think the audience is going to side with?
The HYENAS go to EAT JONATHAN and NIKITA, but then JAMES storms in and chases them off.
JAMES EARL JONES
RAAH! Fuck off! How dare you try to eat a vulnerable creature who wandered into your territory! That's only okay when you do it to NON-lions, you peons!
He takes JONATHAN and NIKITA home. While the HYENAS are licking their wounds and grumbling about LION SUPREMACY, JAMES'S CREEPY BROTHER JEREMY IRONS shows up.
JEREMY IRONS
Look guys, I can help you out. I hate my brother as much as you do! Partly because he became king instead of me, but mainly because he insists on only ever calling me by my facial disfigurement. I mean, RUDE.
(pause)
Either that or I was born with a jacked-up eye and my parents decided to just go ahead and name me after it. Or maybe I was just given the weird name "Scar", and then later got a really noticeable scar by total coincidence? Whatever happened, I'm PISSED OFF! I have a plan to kill James, I need help executing it and you're what I've got!
WHOOPI GOLDBERG
(drools)
CHEECH MARIN
(gets foot stuck in own ear)
JIM CUMMINGS
(literally just giggles vacantly for every line)
JEREMY IRONS
(sighs)
Well this is just how it goes for a family-movie villain, I guess...
(to the tune of "Be Prepared")
You'd think for this delicate killin'
I'd need to find competent goons
But as a cartoonish arch-villain
Of course I get stuck with buffoons
Yeah, Shredder's lieutenants were numbnuts
Gene Hackman's Lex Luthor's as well
And Hades could only get dumb fucks
So I'll do the same, what the hell!
So despair as we undercut tension
We despair as the bad guys seem lame
The heroes seem half-shit
When thwarted by halfwits
The stakes just feel lower
When henchmen are slower
I guess we can brag
Of some half-decent gags
Way more than Pain and Panic can claim
But when serious threat should be there
We despair!
EXT. CANYON
JEREMY brings JONATHAN to the bottom of a deserted CANYON.
JEREMY IRONS
Now remember, Jonathan, your father says to stand here alone in this random canyon, for unspecified reasons.
JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS
Gee, just yesterday it seemed like he was pretty dead-set on me not being anywhere unsupervised. And I nearly got killed between then and now. Honestly, this doesn't seem like anything he would do or say.
JEREMY IRONS
I know, but what you're not considering is that this is totally normal and not in any way suspicious.
JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS
Oh okay then!
JEREMY leaves. Then the HYENAS start a STAMPEDE of WILDEBEEST who pour into the CANYON and now JONATHAN is about to get TRAMPLED, OH NO!
JAMES EARL JONES
(arriving)
Don't worry Jonathan, I'll save you! Here, let me place you on this small ledge, so that you're positioned where you can see me try to climb out, then see me fall to my doom, but just sliiiightly in the wrong place to make out what happens in between.
JEREMY murders JAMES slightly up and to the right from JONATHAN'S field of vision!
JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS
NOOOO!!! My dad died! I stood still in a place on the instructions of adults, then a terrible accident happened and now my father is dead! How utterly, obviously not the result of any decision I have ever made!
JEREMY IRONS
Nope. That was basically cold-blooded murder, you sick little bastard.
JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS
Um. How?
JEREMY IRONS
I don't have to explain my reasoning to a father-killer! Fuck off forever!
JONATHAN runs off crying. JEREMY takes over the pride and lets all the HYENAS run amok. And presumably dozens of HERBIVORES stand vigil over JAMES'S CORPSE, waiting for it to turn to GRASS so they can EAT HIM.
EXT. JUNGLE
MEERKAT NATHAN LANE and WARTHOG ERNIE SABELLA are wandering the jungle when they come across JONATHAN, who has run until he PASSED OUT.
NATHAN LANE
SHIT, A LION! LET'S GET THE FUCK OUT OF - oh wait we're voiced characters, our lives must have meaning. Phew, we're fine!
ERNIE SABELLA
Fart joke.
JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS
Yeah, never mind me guys. I'm a turd and deserve to die.
(smears on black eye makeup, blasts Nine Inch Nails)
NATHAN LANE
Whuh oh, sounds like you've been through a terrible experience that could really mess you up emotionally. You know what you should do?
JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS
Go and talk it out with people who care about me, so as to deal with it openly and honestly before-
NATHAN LANE
What? No, fuck that gibberish. I was gonna say you should push the bad memories deep deep down where you never have to think about it again. That's the easy way out!
(to the tune of "Hakuna Matata")
Repress all your trauma!
Keep ignoring the pain!
Repress all your trauma!
Pretend you're right as rain!
Just let it fester
At the back of your brain!
Never deal with it!
Block out that shit!
Repress all your trauma!
JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS
I like your thinking!
(seals memories away in the darkest recesses of his soul)
EVERYTHING'S FINE WOOO LET'S GO SWIM IN A LAKE!!!
ERNIE SABELLA
Fart joke!
They FROLIC for like a solid YEAR. JONATHAN grows up partially and briefly has a mane that looks like HOT GARBAGE, then FULLY GROWS up into a proper ADULT LION. JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS sadly walks away to live off HOME IMPROVEMENT RESIDUALS, while MATTHEW BRODERICK takes over the role for the rest of the movie.
MATTHEW BRODERICK
That's right, it's my last hurrah playing a cool roguish youth, before I get consigned to an endless string of neurotic loser roles forever!
NATHAN LANE
Ah, this is the life, huh kid? Spending all day just lazing around, not doing anything...
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Not doing anything, are you kidding me?! An adult male lion eats like twenty pounds of food a day, do you have any idea how hard it is to do that with beetles and grubs? I've been eating ten thousand bugs every single day, it's EXHAUSTING!
NATHAN LANE
Woah there, you wouldn't happen to be experiencing a negative emotion would you?
MATTHEW BRODERICK
(squashing everything down even harder than before)
O-of course not! Everything's still well repressed! Now I'll go slump down as I stare mournfully up at the stars, in a CAREFREE WAY!!
As he plomps down on the ground, he kicks up a couple of LEAVES, which then float on the BREEZE all the way back to the PRIDE LANDS, and are picked up by WISE OLD MANDRILL ROBERT GUILLAUME.
ROBERT GUILLAUME
Oh my God, these random leaves that I somehow knew were important enough to snatch out of the air smell like Matthew! HE'S ALIVE! And hey, wouldn't it be CRAAAZY if I found this out, like, a matter of hours before somebody else from the pride stumbled across Matthew anyway? How stupidly improbable THAT would be!
EXT. JUNGLE
NATHAN and ERNIE are out on a walk when suddenly a LIONESS jumps out and tries to eat them!
ED SABELLA
(fleeing)
FART JOOOOKE!!
MATTHEW charges in and fights the LIONESS. But suddenly he RECOGNIZES HER.
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Holy shit, Nikita?!
MOIRA KELLY
Actually I'm voiced by Moira Kelly now. But wow, Matthew, long time no see! And rawr, you sure grew up nicely! I mean yes you're the first non-evil non-megalomaniac male lion I've met since I hit puberty, so my standards aren't super high, but still.
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Okay, granted, we do have a bit of a Blue Lagoon vibe happening here, but... I mean, who's your dad? There were only two male lions in the pride as far as I could tell, my uncle and my father, so are you and I...?
MOIRA KELLY
Eh, I think this was already covered by the "inbred royalty" joke.
They run off and have... a sex scene possibly? Is that what happens?
MATTHEW BRODERICK
(to the tune of "Can You Feel the Love Tonight")
"Get real", you say, "It's Disney.
That's not a thing they'd do."
But watch again, it's fairly possible
That at some point we screw
MOIRA KELLY
I mean, come on, I lick him
Then give him "fuck me" eyes
It's clear that I'm completely DTF
So what's the verdict, guys?
CHORUS
Do we think they banged tonight?
It's not entirely clear
The editing makes it ambiguous
Just what happened here...
MOIRA KELLY
Well this was nice, whatever actually happened. So now I guess we're gonna go kill your evil uncle and save the pride lands, right?
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Woah! Uh, listen, I had fun tonight and all, but I'm not really looking for anything serious, like a royal coup or anything. Tell you what, I'll call you, yeah?
MOIRA KELLY
Oh fuck you! And after I was polite and didn't eat your warthog friend. Thanks for nothing, asshole!
(leaves)
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Argh, I'm so torn up inside! This is the most crucial, pivotal moment of self-doubt I've ever had, so if some wise mentor could drop out of the blue RIGHT this second that'd be really handy thanks.
At RIGHT that second, ROBERT arrives.
ROBERT GUILLAUME
Hey Matthew! You need to remember who you are and stop running from your past! And if you won't take it from me, how about let's have your dead dad tell you the exact same thing.
JAMES appears in the sky!
JAMES EARL JONES
Behold! I manifest among the stars!
MATTHEW BRODERICK
The stars? You're just in a cloud, dude.
JAMES EARL JONES
Wait, what?
(looks down at self)
A fucking cloud?! But we had this whole thing about dead kings becoming the stars. We mentioned it several times! Why set that up so thoroughly, then only ALMOST pay it off?
(sighs)
You know what, it doesn't matter. Moira and Robert are right, Matt. You should realize your destiny instead of running away like a bitch.
MATTHEW BRODERICK
But I'm not worthy, Dad! I killed you!
JAMES EARL JONES
Oh! Right, I should have explained, JEREMY killed me. He threw me off a cliff, it had nothing to do with you.
MATTHEW BRODERICK
OH. Well then, guilt over, and yeah I'm totally going to go fuck Jeremy up, that asshole!!!
(runs off)
JAMES EARL JONES
Boy, that was effective. Probably should have said that in the actual movie.
EXT. PRIDE ROCK
MATTHEW'S MOTHER MADGE SINCLAIR is chewing out JEREMY.
MADGE SINCLAIR
You're the worst king ever, Jeremy! There's no food or water anymore! We should probably just kill you, you know. There's like eight of us and you're actually pretty skinny, the fight would be over in twenty seconds.
JEREMY IRONS
Look, is it my fault if it stopped raining the minute I became king? Nobody warned me about magic spite weather!
Then MATTHEW shows up to reclaim the THRONE.
MADGE SINCLAIR
Holy shit, Matthew?! What's the meaning of this, Jeremy? You told us Matthew died! You said he got trampled so hard by the wildebeest that he was reduced to his component atoms and that's why there was no body! Are you telling us that was a lie?!
JEREMY IRONS
Er, DON'T TRUST MATTHEW EVERYBODY, HE KILLED JAMES!
MADGE SINCLAIR
Wait, what? How? He was a tiny cub. Are you going to explain that in any way?
MATTHEW BRODERICK
HE'S LYING! HE'S THE ONE WHO KILLED DAD!
MADGE SINCLAIR
Okay, that ALSO needs further elucidation. This is some heavy shit guys, do you think we could get some fucking details here?!
MATTHEW BRODERICK
NO EXPLAINING, I KILL HIM NOW!!
MATTHEW slaps JEREMY in the FACE! Then JEREMY slaps MATTHEW in the FACE! This happens in SLOW MOTION in front of a RAGING FIRE so that it comes off way less LAME than it SOUNDS. Finally MATTHEW throws JEREMY off of a LEDGE.
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Yes! He had a minor fall, so I will now consider him permanently dealt with and stop thinking about him altogether.
(dusts paws, strolls away)
JEREMY meanwhile is only SLIGHTLY WINDED. He gets up to rejoin the FIGHT, but THEN:
WHOOPI GOLDBERG
Hey Jeremy! We hyenas heard what you were just saying about us a little while back. You talked shit about us! You said, just, some VERY mean things!
JEREMY IRONS
Well yeah. That's all I've been doing since the moment I met you, so how come-
(eaten)
As soon as JEREMY is DEAD, the WEATHER stops being a JERK and starts RAINING EVERYWHERE. Finally we cut to everything being LUSH AND VERDANT again, as MATTHEW has taken his place as KING and he and MOIRA are presenting their own CUB to the assorted ANIMALS.
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Hey look, it's all ended where it began! I guess it's true, that there is a great... Circle of Life.
(pause)
Although if life IS cyclical, I sure hope the whole Evil Lion Usurping the Throne thing isn't gonna happen again.
ZIRA FROM THE LION KING II
Do - do I count?
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Ha ha ha! Don't embarrass yourself.
END.