FADE IN:

INT. ARENDELLE CASTLE

Young princess sisters CGI IDINA MENZEL and CGI KRISTEN BELL happily enjoy some thinly-veiled PLOT METAPHOR PLAYTIME.

CGI YOUNG IDINA MENZEL

It's all fun and games until Kristen accidentally almost dies!

Their parents, CGI EVAN RACHEL WOOD and CGI ALFRED MOLINA, look on adoringly.

CGI EVAN RACHEL WOOD

I'm only here to justify my inexplicable promotion from TRAGIC PLOT DEVICE to OPENING TRACK VOCALIST and allude to some magical river stuff!

CGI ALFRED MOLINA

(claps excitedly)

Who's ready for a traumatizing bedtime story?! Or, you can just hear it through Fortnite...

CGI YOUNG KRISTEN BELL

Fuck that, this isn't Star Wars.

CGI ALFRED MOLINA

True. So there's this DOPE ENCHANTED FOREST, and a long time ago, ALL SORTS OF MAGICAL SHIT went down in there and my father, this super nice, real stand-up kinda guy, built this helpful DAM...

(gets emotional)

...but then he tragically got Gamora-ed off a cliff, I became a TWEEN KING, and the rest is kinda foggy...

CGI EVAN RACHEL WOOD

(coughs, glares at ALFRED)

CGI ALFRED MOLINA

Oh right, and us Arendellians were total dicks and tricked the NORTHULDRA forest people with that dam, but no one's gonna know that...

(checks watch)

...for another hour or so.

CGI EVAN RACHEL WOOD

(brightly)

Music time!

(sings)

(to the tune of "All Is Found")

Where the North wind, meets the sea,

Here’s the first tune, pretty spoiler-y.

If you listen to this song, you’ll know the outcome all along.

EXT. ARENDELLE — DAY

Twenty-four-year-old QUEEN IDINA MENZEL a.k.a. ADELE DAZEEM is on her balcony staring forlornly into the middle distance when she's summoned by NAMELESS ROYAL STAFF MEMBER.

NAMELESS ROYAL STAFF MEMBER

(quietly)

Your majesty...

CGI IDINA MENZEL

(panic-freezes everything within a 12-foot radius)

While it may have SEEMED like everything was all happily-ever-after, Disney needed an excuse to make another billion dollars, so my powers are suddenly uncontrollable again.

NORWEGIAN POPSTAR AURORA (O.S.)

(ethereally)

Ah ah, ah ah.

CGI IDINA MENZEL

What's that?

AURORA (O.S.)

(impatiently)

Ah ah, AH AH!

CGI IDINA MENZEL

Nevermind. I doubt this random siren call is gonna end up being important or anything. Plus, the toddlers are getting antsy — let's do another song!

CGI KRISTEN BELL

That's my cue!

(sings)

(to the tune of "Some Things Never Change")

Yes the wind blows a little bit colder,

A snowman leans on my shoulder,

And the point of this song is to showcase what's to commmmeeeee!

There's Jonathan, he's gonna ask for my hand,

And Idina, she hears something she can't stand,

As for Josh, can't recall why he's even in this onnnneeeee!

Yes, some plans never change,

Like a song for exposition.

Some plans stay the same,

Like how now I'll just skip and run.

Like this happy place and my smiling face,

Some things are always truuueeeee.

Some plans never change,

So get ready for Frozen II!

INT. ARENDELLE CASTLE — NIGHT

JOSH is totally cheating at charades, IDINA is on the cusp of either an emotional breakdown or another ballad, and JONATHAN just wants KRISTEN to stop paying attention to IDINA for ONE GODDAMN SECOND.

CGI JONATHAN GROFF

(concealing a diamond ring)

Kristen, do you have a minute?

CGI KRISTEN BELL

(distracted)

Gotta sing my adult sister our dead mother's lullaby so g'night love you byeeee!

CGI JONATHAN GROFFDEER

Lolol fail.

Several hours pass. It's now definitely, undeniably the middle of the night.

CGI IDINA MENZEL

Ugh I can't sleep!

AURORA (O.S.)

Ah ah, ah ah. Ah ah, ah shit, lost count...ummm, just start the song?

CGI IDINA MENZEL

(sings)

(to the tune of "Into the Unknown")

I can hear you, but I won’t.

Some still love Frozen, while others don’t.

There’s this guy named Brendon, who’s trying to upstage me,

With his gorgeous vocals, and his hair that's so shiny, ohh ohh.

(harmonizes melodically)

What’s going on? Why is he covering my tune?

He’s not a princess — not a chance.

My chill is gone quite soon.

I renewed my whole career, all thanks to Let It Go,

So no, I won’t get Panicked by some dude at the Disco!

SLEEP-DEPRIVED ARENDELLIANS

SHUT UP!!!

CGI IDINA MENZEL

(unfazed, three decibels louder)

Into the unknoooowwwnnn,

Let's send Brendon hommmmeee,

Into the unknoo-oowwwnnn!

AURORA (O.S.)

(lounging on her Disney-funded yacht)

Ah ah, ah ah.

IDINA is totally unconcerned about all the diamonds now suspended in mid-air and okay WOW, this animation is really QUITE BREATHTAKING.

CGI IDINA MENZEL

Whoops, I accidentally awoke the FOREST I conveniently remember Alfred mentioning that one time.

(pauses)

Plus I awoke the entire kingdom, and now there's an earthquake, windstorm, and no streetlights or water...

(pauses)

Why did you guys let me be queen again?

EXT. PROBABLY ARENDELLE PROVINCIAL PARK

Irresponsible IDINA wants to abandon her ROYAL SUBJECTS and follow AURORA, leaving KRISTEN as the wet blanket.

CGI KRISTEN BELL

No Idina, it's dangerous!

CGI IDINA MENZEL

Nah, my Spidey senses say Aurora's totally chill.

The sisters change into travel outfits, complete with FEMINIST-APPROVED PANTS, so you KNOW shit is about to go down.

CGI JONATHAN GROFF

Kristen, isn't it crazy how we had more chemistry in one Frozen interaction than we'll have throughout this entire sequel? Will you marry me?

CGI KRISTEN BELL

YoU ThINk i'M cRaZY?!

CGI JONATHAN GROFFDEER

(cringing so hard right now)

CGI JOSH GAD

FYI I'm gonna endlessly spew random bullshit throughout this trip, but one anecdote, water has memory, will actually end up being important, so therefore you guys gotta tolerate me.

CGI IDINA MENZEL

(ignoring JOSH)

Okay team, this forest is super hidden and no one's been able to penetrate its mist — nevermind, there's the forest right there! And would you look at that? I can get us through this mist, no problemo!

INT. ENCHANTED FOREST

The fearless squad embarks on some geochaching.

CGI JONATHAN GROFF

If this was a dystopian novel, that mist would've killed us, so on the topic of mortality, wanna get married?

CGI KRISTEN BELL

YoU thINk We'rE GonNA dIE?!?

CGI JONATHAN GROFFDEER

(facepalms)

Meanwhile, since nobody's bothered to keep track of JOSH, who's technically still a toddler, he gets bombarded with SCARY FOREST MAGIC and an existential crisis.

CGI JOSH GAD

(sings)

(to the tune of "When I Am Older")

This will all make sense when I am older,

Why my character even exists.

I get that I sell the toys,

Loved by all the girls and boys,

But I still think I'm probably best on the bench.

Suddenly a MAGIC TORNADO snatches up JOSH and the rest of the gang!

CGI JOSH GAD

(shouting over the howling wind)

TBH, things get pretty convoluted from here on, so how about I just summarize it all in a one-man-show?

CGI IDINA MENZEL

Sure, I gotta prep for my next song anyway.

CGI JONATHAN GROFF

(envious/incredulous)

That'll be your third solo in two movies!

CGI IDINA MENZEL

(polishing her 2004 TONY AWARD)

You were saying?

KRISTEN ANDERSON-LOPEZ AND BOBBY LOPEZ (O.S.)

(polishing their 2014 BEST ORIGINAL SONG OSCAR)

Yeah, you were saying?

A single spotlight settles on JOSH. Everyone else retreats to their trailers.

CGI JOSH GAD

(stares directly into camera)

It began with two sisters — one massively popular, one constantly overlooked.

The popular one thinks she can communicate with these Earth, Air, Water, and Fire forest spirits, but her overlooked sister just can't catch a break.

(cuddling salamander-shaped Fire)

I call him Bruni, and he's just the cutest little piece of merchandising!

(pauses)

And Jonathan, Groffdeer, and I are contractually obligated to tag along!

CGI JONATHAN GROFF

That reminds me —

(scans horizon for KRISTEN)

Marry me?

CGI NORTHULDRA LEADER MARTHA PLIMPTON

(emerging from the shadows)

If I say yes, will you end this ridiculous subplot?

CGI JONATHAN GROFF

(sings)

(to the tune of "Reindeer(s) Are Better Than People (Cont.)")

Reindeer(s) are better than people.

Ugh, why I am so bored?

CGI JONATHAN GROFFDEER

(sounding suspiciously human)

There's nothing to do, I know that much is true.

Farewell Groffsauce, go be King George.

CGI JONATHAN GROFF

(sings)

(to the tune of "Lost in the Woods")

Again you’re gone, off on a different path than mine,

And I don’t mind, now that I’ve got my own soloooo.

It’s pretty good, if I do say so myself,

There’s tons of ripped-off 80s stuff, so YOLO.

But will this be my trade-off for a character arc?

Is it cool that now I’m lame and play basically no part?

Where has Kristen gone? — it’s fine, cause I’ve got my own song.

This is what...I never had...in Frozennnnn!

And all my friends are reindeer,

But now I’ve got my own song.

These woods are where I truly belong.

EXT. SHIPWRECK

While JONATHAN's preoccupied channeling Freddie Mercury, KRISTEN and IDINA stumble upon — HOLY SHIT, IT'S THEIR PARENTS' SHIPWRECK!!

WRECKED SHIP

I'm here to totally fuck with those Disney Princess Cinematic Universe fan theories!

CGI IDINA MENZEL

Our parents died trying to decipher my teenage angst — that's unfortunate. But at least they left us a map to that magic unpronounceable river Evan blabbered on about!

CGI KRISTEN BELL

You got all that from those squiggly lines?

CGI IDINA MENZEL

Yep, that's why I'm the protagonist this time.

(shoves KRISTEN and JOSH back to the B-plot)

See ya!

EXT. DARK SEA

With steely determination, IDINA approaches DARK SEA and WATER NOKK, her only antagonists thus far.

CGI IDINA MENZEL

I was starting to wonder about the lack of villains.

DARK SEA

(shrugs)

Everyone's already seen me in the trailers thanks to my expensive CGI.

WATER NOKK

Well, I may be made of water, but I'll still try and kill you just like a regular horse.

IDINA turns her braid into a sporty ponytail, then sheds her boots and jacket to reveal a fabulous glittery dress available in all sizes.

CGI IDINA MENZEL

Nope, we're gonna be pals — ice and water are like the same thing.

EXT. AHTOHALLAN/MAGIC UNPRONOUNCEABLE RIVER

IDINA rides the NOKK to an enormous glacier that's obviously the river she's looking for, since glaciers are RIVERS OF ICE, DUH, and once again updates her hairstyle, ideally without a GLARING CGI MISTAKE.

CGI IDINA MENZEL

(sings)

(to the tune of "Show Yourself")

Every inch of me is trembling,

Cause I’m fucking collldddddd.

I just fought that sea horse,

It was pretty intense, if truth be told.

Now I've come this far — by myself, I'm all alonnneee.

Self-sufficient, all the dudes are back at hommmmeeeee.

This journey is more important,

Don't need to find a guy.

I'll duet with my mom,

Her face up in the sky.

Love myself — I don't need a romance!

Love myself — That's the plan!

It’s not like I carried the plot just to be tied dowwwnnnnn.

Oh, go to hell — I don't need a man!

(obligatory dress change)

She finds herself surrounded by frighteningly realistic ice sculptures — Madame Tussauds should take note.

ICE SCULPTURE DEAD KING JEREMY SISTO

Surprise, I was actually a colonialist bad guy! Betcha didn't see THAT coming!

CGI SANTINO FONTANA

Psshh, third-act twists featuring men of nobility are their specialty.

CGI IDINA MENZEL

(cringes at the predictability)

(freezes to solid ice)

Yikes. Turns out the cold DOES bother me.

(telepathically communicates with JOSH)

EXT. ENCHANTED FOREST

KRISTEN and JOSH are nearly snorted by an EARTH GIANT when JOSH senses IDINA's secret message.

CGI JOSH GAD

Ms. Bell, I don't feel so good.

(disintegrates into the MARVEL CINEMATIC UNIVERSE)

CGI KRISTEN BELL

(sings)

(to the tune of "The Next Right Thing")

I’ve seen dark before, but not like this.

This is wrong, this is scary, this ain’t fun.

I used to be so cheerful, what’s different now?

Full of sadness, what happened to the sun?

My snowman disappeared, my sister's dead,

And who knows...where the hell...is Jonathan?

This is...a real depiction...of depression,

But I know these kids...just won't...give a damn.

(crying at the unfairness of it all)

CGI JONATHAN GROFF

(appearing out of nowhere)

S'up?

CGI KRISTEN BELL

Oh hey! I need to bust down that dam to purge the sins of the past!

CGI JONATHAN GROFF

Not sure it works like that, but since I'm just the agreeable almost-fiance with no independent thoughts, sounds great!

On KRISTEN's signal, EARTH GIANTS destroy the dam and a HUGE TIDAL WAVE races towards the FJORD to flood EVERYTHING, but wait, WHAT'S THAT? It's IDINA and the NOKK to the rescue!

CGI IDINA MENZEL

That's right bitches, I'm a STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN with the power to save Arendelle from suffering any rightful consequences for its past transgressions!

HUGE TIDAL WAVE/KARMIC JUSTICE

Dammit!

KRISTEN stops snot-crying and glances up to see IDINA and the NOKK galloping towards her!

CGI IDINA MENZEL

I live!

CGI JOSH GAD (O.S.)

Me too!

CGI KRISTEN BELL

Wait, does this mean my nuanced personal growth about overcoming grief was pointless?

CGI JONATHAN GROFF

(desperate)

Kristen, I'm begging you — please marry me?

CGI KRISTEN BELL

(elated)

OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH why didn't you say so?! YES!!

CGI JONATHAN GROFFDEER

Fifth time's the charm!

EXT. ARENDELLE

Incompetent QUEEN IDINA, finally demoted to PRINCESS IDINA, retreats to the FOREST to live her best lesbian life with RACHEL MATTHEWS. No one's even remotely upset about it.

CGI IDINA MENZEL

Kristen, I leave you in charge!

CGI QUEEN KRISTEN BELL

It's about damn time.

CGI IDINA MENZEL

Phew! That royal life sure was stifling. Time to Harry-and-Meghan the fuck outta here!

END