FADE IN:

The movie begins with a GIANT CLOSE-UP of an EYEBALL, just like BLADE RUNNER did.

CRITICS

This is obviously so much better than Blade Runner.

INT. PRECRIME H.Q.

TOM CRUISE and NEAL MCDONOUGH are busy being FUTURE COPS when an ALARM sounds!

TOM CRUISE

A-ha, our "pre-cogs" have detected another future murder, setting in motion our photogenically ludicrous future-crime prevention mechanisms, comprising no fewer than ninety-four moving parts! One of which is me grinning like a total asshole!!

NEAL MCDONOUGH

While you were describing all that, we went and prevented the murder at the last second.

TOM CRUISE

Oh.

INT. TOM'S FUTURE HOUSE

TOM mainlines drugs resembling POKEMON BALLS while watching BORING HOME MOVIES of his MISSING KID and WIFE WHO LEFT HIM.

TOM CRUISE

Now for the scene where I do the splits on the kitchen counter... oh, wait, that's in Timecop! I got confused because that also has bad home movies of the lost kid and wife of a cop who deals with time paradoxes.

(thinks)

It probably didn't help that these home movies look identical to the "cop's lost kid and wife" movies from roughly 7,305 other films.

CRITICS

This is so visionary and original!!

INT. TIMECOP, AH I MEAN, PRECRIME H.Q. - THE NEXT DAY

MAX VON SYDOW

You're doing good work here, Tom. Allow me to be old and fatherly towards you, deflecting attention from the fact that I'm a famous European actor doing a supporting role in a movie where the identity of the big bad guy is a secret.

TOM CRUISE

Aw, there's no way you could be evil, Max! That would be too much of a horrendous cliche for this brilliant cinematic triumph.

Suddenly COLIN FARRELL realizes there's a movie going on without him in it.

COLIN FARRELL

(entering)

Good morning, Tom! I am a brash young guy from the Feds, and a somewhat too obvious adversarial figure! I'm here to find out exactly how this whole "Precrime" thing works, in the hopes that I might uncover something even a teensy bit wrong or unsettling with it.

TOM CRUISE

(shrugs)

Very well. As you see, we've taken these human beings with bizarre and incomprehensible abilities, stuck them in this wading pool, and wired them to a zillion machines so that they can just lie there and do our bidding indefinitely. Clearly there are no flaws in our system.

COLIN FARRELL

And this institutionalized enslavement provides you with every detail you need to prevent murders?

TOM CRUISE

Not exactly. Their visions only provide the names of the perp and victim, which are then engraved on these small wooden balls. This prevents any forgeries, because in this crazy future high-tech society we are the only people who can burn letters into wood.

COLIN FARRELL

I see. So you get only names, not street addresses or anything else that would be useful.

TOM CRUISE

Exactly! The visions are from the point of view of the murderer. And as everyone knows, all murders are committed by people loudly thinking their own name over and over, and that of their victim, and nothing else, so that explains that.

COLIN FARRELL

Then how do you figure out where to go stop the murders?

TOM CRUISE

Well, certain shots of each vision are taken from an external perspective that are still narrowed to represent what a person is seeing, even though there is no person there. But you'd be surprised how often those extra random-point-in-space perspectives just luckily happen to include helpful things like street signs.

COLIN FARRELL

Grmph, I am unable to find any weaknesses in this overly convoluted and ethically questionable setup that depends on mysterious untested mental powers that, for all we know, will only ever be found in these three people who will presumably die of old age some day! You win this round, Tom!

(leaves)

INT. PRECRIME H.Q. - THE NEXT DAY

TOM CRUISE

Here comes another murder vision! Oh-ho, this one is pre-meditated, which means we have more lead time to stop it. It is very, very, important that the audience understand this difference between crimes of passion and crimes of motive because it is key to the plot, and also because otherwise they might not notice how badly we fuck up this rule later on.

NEAL MCDONOUGH

While you check this new murder, we're all going to look over this way.

TOM examines the vision by listening to CLASSICAL MUSIC while RE-ENACTING SCENES FROM JOHNNY MNEMONIC.

TOM CRUISE

The mere fact that Precrime is compatible with classical music really should be enough to tip me off that it's evil. But I'm too deeply invested in my ridiculous herky-jerky motions to notice that.

The new vision is of TOM CRUISE killing a guy!

TOM CRUISE

Well, that sucks.

He HIDES the vision, and starts to SNEAK OUT.

NEAL MCDONOUGH

(suspicious)

Where are you going, Tom?

TOM CRUISE

I... um... have a Scientology meeting.

NEAL MCDONOUGH

Hey! No fair bringing actual real-world scary stuff into our dark-yet-friendly gee-whiz dystopia-Lite! Get him!

TOM CRUISE

D'oh!

TOM RUNS and is cornered in an ALLEYWAY by the, er, oh fuck it, TIMECOPS.

NEAL MCDONOUGH

We just watched the new murder-vision and saw it's you. Now all twenty of us, armed with our cool future long-range weaponry, will slowly walk to within arm's reach. I sure hope you forgot all your unarmed combat training in the last thirty seconds.

TOM CRUISE

Nope!

He BEATS UP all the TIMECOPS and then there is also a goofy fun JETPACK CHASE.

CRITICS

How deep! How meaningful! It's a brilliantly deep exploration of deep themes that are so full of meaning!

TOM jumps around on FUTURE CARS that just happen to be made by LEXUS!!

CRITICS

How profound!!!!

TOM goes through a MALL completely OVERSTUFFED WITH ANNOYING PRODUCT PLACEMENT for REAL PRODUCTS!!

CRITICS

Oooh, a provoking satire of our culture!! What genius!!

DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG

Cha-ching!! I just paid for this entire movie, and also covered the catering for Catch Me If You Can!!

TOM goes to a VIRTUAL REALITY BAR!!

CRITICS

(frothing at mouth)

The divine inspiration never stops!!! Hail Spielberg!!!

AUDIENCE

Geez, this isn't nearly as well thought out as the virtual reality in Strange Days, or even Logan's Run, to say nothing of Star Trek. But whatever.

CRITICS

Ha ha, a man is using virtual reality machines to simulate sex! What a novel concept that nobody has ever used ever before!! Least of all us!! Ha ha!!

TOM is eventually cornered in the LEXUS FACTORY by COLIN FARRELL!

COLIN FARRELL

I will get you now, Tom! I have cool future concussion-guns!

TOM CRUISE

But strangely I am also trained in their use, even though none of my cops are equipped with them! Boy, they sure could have used these back in the alleyway! Oh well, they will help me escape in this one scene before vanishing altogether.

(escapes)

COLIN FARRELL

Goddamn the lack of internal logic in this world!

(punches wall, thereby fixing it instantly)

EXT. STRANGE FUTURE GREENHOUSE

TOM CRUISE

Pardon me, strange botanist woman who founded the Timecops, perhaps you can make sense of this crap.

LOIS SMITH

I suppose, but the attempt has clearly made me a lunatic! Blar dee blar! I'm going to say Minority Report! Oh, and you should kidnap the lead precog and perhaps be suspicious of Max von Sydow.

TOM CRUISE

Sounds like a good plan. But I will also add the wrinkle of going to visit the guy I'm supposed to kill, at the precise time that I'm supposed to kill him, rather than waiting until five minutes later or so.

INT. SLEAZY HOTEL

TOM meets up with a SLEAZY UNLICENSED DOCTOR played by PETER STORMARE.

TOM CRUISE

Since even opening a pack of goddamn potato chips in this world requires eye-recognition software, and I'm now a fugitive, I need you to replace my eyes.

PETER STORMARE

(sleazily)

Certainly. FIRST, I will drug you up, rendering you helpless. THEN, I will reveal that I have an old grudge against you, and revenge has been percolating in my sleazy heart for years. And THEN... I will do exactly what you want.

(pause)

BUT... I will also trick you into eating a bite of moldy food! THIS... STORMARE.... VOWS!!!

SLEAZY NURSE

We've put bandages over your new eyes, Tom. It is VERY VERY important that you not expose the new eyes to the light before they're ready or they could be PERMANENTLY DAMAGED. This sure would seem to be an important plot point, wouldn't it.

Outside, the TIMECOPS arrive in their ships, which are LITERALLY the bastard children of BOBA FETT'S SHIP and a GIANT VENDING MACHINE.

NEAL MCDONOUGH

(impatiently)

Aren't we all out of the ship yet?

JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME

Sorry, I ran out of change. Thompson's gone to the corner store to try and break a twenty.

NEAL MCDONOUGH

We really should just use cars with doors like normal cops.

The TIMECOPS release their weird-ass SPIDER ROBOTS!

TOM CRUISE

Oh no, the spider robots found me. Guess I'll just expose my new eye to light so they can scan it, and I'll be on my way with no adverse consequences. La la la.

NEAL MCDONOUGH

It sure is hard to catch a guy when the rules of continuity don't even apply for ten goddamn minutes at a time.

INT. TIMECOP HQ

TOM CRUISE

Good thing I kept my ORIGINAL eyes in a pouch to bypass the retinal scans with. And even better that nobody remembered to flip the "Admit wanted felons" switch to the OFF position.

He UNPLUGS the LEAD PRECOG, SAMANTHA MORTON!

SAMANTHA MORTON

(awakening from trance)

Whuh? What's going on? Are you here to kidnap me?

TOM CRUISE

Yup. Even though your narrative function is completely passive, I need to drag you into a bunch of scenes so this movie can have something vaguely approaching a "supporting actress". Apparently it's mandatory or token or something.

INT. RANDOM FUTURE APARTMENT

TOM CRUISE

Well, Samantha, here's where I'm supposed to kill that guy. Wow, this place looks just like in the vision you had.

SAMANTHA MORTON

Strange I didn't notice the reams of photographs spread all over the place before.

TOM CRUISE

Why, so you didn't. Hey, these are of my missing son! Grr! Now, in a fit of passion, I will kill the guy!

SAMANTHA MORTON

So it's a crime of passion... which is only supposed to give me the slimmest of warning times, not the days and days we actually got...

STEVEN SPIELBERG

Shut up and watch Tom wrestle with whether or not to kill the guy!!! Oh, and the guy's there now.

TOM heroically decides NOT to kill the guy! But the guy reveals it's all a SET-UP, and then COMMITS SUICIDE in a way that looks like the murder from the vision!

SAMANTHA MORTON

This still makes no sense. In the premeditated version, there's no intent to murder, so there would be no vision.

TOM CRUISE

No, don't you see, Samantha? It was a SET-UP! I've been SET UP!

SAMANTHA MORTON

How in the living fuck is THAT possible? Putting some pictures on a bed altered the fabric of spacetime while also utterly every-orifice-raping all the rules about how my power works? And then, somehow, a carefully edited series of images was sent back in time to my premeditated-murder senses despite there being no murder... and, given the guy just offed himself in a spontaneous response to you not killing him, no premeditation?!?

TOM CRUISE

(pause)

SET!!... UP!!!

NEAL MCDONOUGH

(bursting in with 200 Timecops)

Hands up Tom!! Too bad for you we found a roll of quarters! You're under arrest!

TOM is taken to a FUTURE JAIL run by TIM BLAKE NELSON and stuck in a TUBE!

TIM BLAKE NELSON

I don't really fit into the tone of this movie at all.

INT. COLIN FARRELL'S FUTURE HOUSE

COLIN is meeting with MAX VON SYDOW.

COLIN FARRELL

Well, we finally captured Tom, but I'm having doubts about this whole case. What do you think we should do, Max?

MAX VON SYDOW

I think that I should at long last reveal my evilness, by precisely re-enacting the scene from "L.A. Confidential" where Kevin Spacey gets shot. Guess who you get to be.

He SHOOTS COLIN!!!

COLIN FARRELL

Arrgh! Why didn't anyone arrive to stop you!

MAX VON SYDOW

(actual line)

Because right now, Colin, the precogs can't see a thing.

COLIN FARRELL

(dying)

Now??.... What the fuck do you mean, NOW??!!? You do understand that the act of predicting this moment would happen IN THE PAST, right?!?!? And since you're also framing Tom this is clearly premeditated, meaning the precogs should have seen this WEEKS AGO, sort of like they did with TOM KILLING THAT GUY, you remember that little detail that THE WHOLE PLOT IS BUILT AROUND!??! And let me just add....

STEVEN SPIELBERG

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!

(shoots Colin 4,000 more times)

INT. MAX'S OFFICE

TOM'S EX-WIFE KATHRYN MORRIS has come to see MAX VON SYDOW.

KATHRYN MORRIS

Max, I want to ask you about this other old case that Tom mentioned.

MAX VON SYDOW

Ah, the drowning victim.

KATHRYN MORRIS

But... I never said she drowned! How could you know!!!

MAX VON SYDOW

Well, I am a high-ranking police official who's supposed to be familiar with details of crimes, so I could know that way, I suppose.

KATHRYN MORRIS

You can't fool me with plausible explanations! You're evil!!! Lucky for me you left one of Tom's old eyeballs in his personal effects, for I will now use it to pass security and go free him!

MAX VON SYDOW

Come on, we're not seriously going to fall for this shit TWICE?! You expect me to believe we STILL haven't gotten around to revoking his security clearance?

KATHRYN MORRIS

Yup.

(frees Tom)

MAX VON SYDOW

Oh for fuck's sake.

(sighs)

Well, I'm off to the big fancy banquet finale.

INT. BIG FANCY BANQUET

MAX VON SYDOW

Thank you, everyone, for this big symbolic award that contrasts nicely with my horrible guilty secret. But it's all worth it to make Precrime a nationwide program, even if it does sound a bit too much like Pre-cum.

AUDIENCE

So wait a sec... until now, the precogs have only been able to see the future within state lines? And by passing a government bill, they will suddenly be able predict the future within the boundaries of the United States? Including Alaska, but leaving out all the Canada in-between? Or will they just ignore Canadian premonitions and let us all die like pigs? What the fuck, Steven?

STEVEN SPIELBERG

Stop ripping apart my movie, damnit!! Look, since you're so dense, I will explain Max von Sydow's evil motives in detail TWO WHOLE COMPLETE TIMES, okay?

AUDIENCE

Just finish this thing already.

STEVEN SPIELBERG

Okay fine! Max shoots himself instead of killing Tom, slightly redeeming himself and disproving Precrime, and Tom gets back together with his ex-wife, all happy!! The end!!! Goddammit!!!

He STORMS OUT.

CRITICS

Well, the last ten minutes were slightly less geniusy, but otherwise this is clearly a geniusiffic triumph! Congratulations, O Great and Wonderous Spielberg!!

COLIN FARRELL

(not quite dead after all)

.... the last ten minutes? What about all that other stuff that....

CRITICS

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!

They SHOOT COLIN FARRELL 800,000 MORE TIMES.

END