FADE IN:

EXT. BLANDSVILLE -- 1979

JOEL COURTNEY (HERO KID)

Gosh, I'm so thrilled that my first major starring role is in this affectionate homage to gee-whiz, family-fun, 1980s-Spielbergian adventure! I wonder what madcap hijinks we'll start off with?

J.J. ABRAMS

Glad to have you on board, Joel! Well, in this first scene YOUR MOM HAS JUST DIED.

JOEL COURTNEY

(stunned)

...the hell? So, you've decided to start EVERY movie by killing off one of the hero's parents, is that it?

CUT TO:

INT. JOEL COURTNEY'S HOUSE

A WAKE is in progress for JOEL'S MOM. The OTHER KIDS are standing off by the food table.

RILEY GRIFFITHS (CHUBBY KID)

Hey guys, I know we're at a funeral and everything, but I need to talk about my movie project that you're all helping me with. It'll be mint! So much so, that I will repeat that phrase 4,000 times in the first twenty minutes, and then never again.

RYAN LEE (TOOTHY KID)

Uh, dude, this looks exactly like the wake from The Ring. I'm not going within a thousand fucking miles of a film or videotape or recording device of any kind until we're safely outta here.

RILEY GRIFFITHS

Fine, fine, just meet me by the old decrepit railway station tonight.

GABRIEL BASSO (TALL KID)

That should be no trouble, since it's 1979 and all of our parents are happy to let us run around at all hours of the night with no supervision. Seriously, how did anyone survive this era?

RYAN LEE

Speaking of parents, it looks like Joel's Dad, Kyle Chandler, is about to have a showdown with Elle Fanning's Dad, Ron Eldard.

RON ELDARD

blah blah blah #loserness

KYLE CHANDLER

BLAH BLAH BLAH #RAGE

STEVEN SPIELBERG

Hold on! You can't be using hashtags, this is 1979!

J.J. ABRAMS

Hey, Steven, look over here!

(blinds Spielberg with lens flares)

STEVEN SPIELBERG

ARRRRGH!!

(angles brim of baseball cap to shield eyes)

Nice trick, Abrams, but I won't be defeated so easily! Did you really think you could invade the realm of 80's-Spielbergia and emerge triumphant?!?

J.J. ABRAMS

(badly dubbed)

We shall see! I challenge you to a contest of skill, for ultimate control of this movie!

STEVEN SPIELBERG

(badly dubbed)

Foolish youngling! I accept! BWAH HA HA HA, etc.

CUT TO:

EXT. ABANDONED TRAIN STATION

JOEL COURTNEY

Thanks for helping us with Riley's movie, Dakota Fanning's Sister.

ELLE FANNING

That's OK. If all goes according to plan, two hours from now Dakota will be known as Elle Fanning's Sister. Just you watch.

RILEY GRIFFITHS

All right everyone, let's practice the next scene!

They RUN THROUGH the scene and it WORKS REALLY WELL.

RILEY GRIFFITHS

Good job, guys. Do it exactly like that when we...

RYAN LEE

OH MY GOD A TRAIN IS COMING!

RILEY GRIFFITHS

HOLY FUCK EVERYONE FILM RIGHT NOW AND SCREAM LIKE MAD TO BE HEARD OVER THE TRAIN OKAY GO!!!

ELLE FANNING

(screaming over train noise)

THIS IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA!!!!!

JOEL COURTNEY

OH SHIT SOME GUY IS ABOUT TO DRIVE A TRUCK HEADFIRST INTO THE TRAIN!!

RYAN LEE

WHY ARE YOU SO WORRIED?! THE TRAIN HAS SO MUCH MORE MASS AND FORCE IT WILL EASILY PUSH ASIDE THE...

THE TRUCK

HA HA YOU FOOLS, YOU FORGOT IT'S 1979 AND I AM MADE OF SOLID LEAD AND ASBESTOS AND WEIGH SIX THOUSAND TONS!! CRASH TIME!!!

The TRUCK and TRAIN COLLIDE, causing the TRAIN to DERAIL, which in turn causes THOUSANDS OF OTHER TRAIN CARS to FALL FROM THE SKY and EXPLODE ALL OVER EVERYTHING.

RILEY GRIFFITHS

AAAGH! QUICKLY EVERYONE, RUN ALONGSIDE THE EXPLOSION, NOT AWAY FROM IT WHATEVER YOU DO!!

Finally the movie's BUFFER MEMORY overloads and the EXPLOSIONS STOP.

JOEL COURTNEY

(surveying acres of flaming wreckage)

Gosh. Everyone okay?

ELLE FANNING

Implausibly, everyone is fine, even our car. Score one for 80s-Spielberg, I guess.

Suddenly a HATCH DOOR bursts off one of the TRAIN CARS, FLIES through the air and EMBEDS itself jarringly in the GROUND RIGHT NEXT TO JOEL COURTNEY.

JOEL COURTNEY

...aaaand, score one for LOST.

RYAN LEE

Guys, the military is coming! Everyone grab some random plot devices and let's split!

RILEY GRIFFITHS

Don't forget my magical camera, that when knocked on its side immediately faces and autofocuses on the most interesting thing anywhere around it!

They DO SO and DRIVE OFF roughly FIVE FEET AWAY from the MILITARY CONVOY, who luckily are all looking through DEEP-FOCUS BINOCULARS.

MAJOR MCCRUSTYFACE

Keep staring into the far distance, men! We need to know if anyone currently two to five miles away witnessed this!

CUT TO:

INT. SHERIFF'S OFFICE

KYLE CHANDLER

For some vague reason I am unhappy that the military has taken over our entire town. Oh well, all I can think of to do is useless grownup things, so why even bother. Anyone seen the Sheriff?

RANDOM COP

Afraid not, Deputy Kyle Chandler. All we found was his CGI-mangled car. On the plus side, all those dogs that ran off were found safely.

KYLE CHANDLER

Hmm, the Sheriff being taken out by a menacing, barely-glimpsed CGI monster sounds like the work of J.J. Abrams. Yet the movie bending over backwards to make sure we know all the dogs are safe spells 80's Spielberg.

(dramatic pause)

I suspect our small town has become the battleground, and us mere pawns, in a Clash of the Titans!

CUE: DRAMATIC CHORD

RANDOM COP

Come on, Kyle, that movie sucked in the 80s AND present day. Let's aim a LITTLE higher.

KYLE CHANDLER

Er... hm, Abrams vs. Spielberg... this could be the work of the Raiders of the "LOST" Ark?

RANDOM COP

Too high.

CUT TO:

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD

CITY WORKER

I do enjoy the fresh air up here in my cherrypicker as I fix power lines late at night.

Suddenly LARGE APPLIANCES appear getting THROWN AROUND LIKE SO MUCH REECE'S PIECES just beyond the TREETOPS.

CITY WORKER

My my, how odd.

ENTIRE CARS join the APPLIANCES getting TOSSED LIKE RAGDOLLS.

CITY WORKER

I say, how fascinating. I must maneuver closer.

The CARS AND APPLIANCES are replaced by BLOODY SEVERED HEADS, ENTRAILS, GIANT MANEATING SPIDERS WITH CHAINSAWS FOR TEETH and A CRATELOAD OF NEWT GINGRICH SEX TAPES.

CITY WORKER

I simply must get a better view of this!

(fully extends cherrypicker)

The CITY WORKER gets grabbed by THE SMOKE MONSTER FROM LOST.

CITY WORKER

(being yanked into underbrush)

AH WELL SUCH IS LLIIIIIIIIIIIIFFEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE JOEL COURTNEY'S HOUSE

JOEL COURTNEY

Guys, I really think we should tell my Dad what we know about the train crash.

RILEY GRIFFITHS

No, no, no! If we tell them now, the adults might solve everything and make it THEIR movie. We need to wait until they've fucked everything up so that then WE can solve everything! Got it?

JOEL COURTNEY

(sighs)

Got it.

RILEY GRIFFITHS

Let's just focus on my own project. Look, we can film against the backdrop of the giant field of wreckage and debris.

RYAN LEE

Nice! And hey, let's do the next scene in front of the tableau of the military taking Joel's Dad away for questioning, as is currently happening over there.

KYLE CHANDLER

(being dragged away by soldiers)

BLAH BLAH BLAH #INDIGNANT

GABRIEL BASSO

Perhaps frame the next shot against the huge wildfire the army just started in order to evacuate the entire town.

JOEL COURTNEY

All right, have the adults fucked things up enough yet that we can FINALLY start paying attention to the main plot of this movie?

RILEY GRIFFITHS

Yeah, I suppose so.

CUT TO:

INT. SCHOOL

JOEL COURTNEY

I realized that was our science teacher's truck that took out the train, so he must know something.

RYAN LEE

But the military has searched this place inside and out already! What could be left for us to find?

RILEY GRIFFITHS

Maybe there's something in his locked secret storage locker, the one so secret that every single person in school knows about it.

They SEARCH the LOCKER.

RYAN LEE

I dunno, dude, there's just a bunch of our old junk, and this film marked "PROTAGONIST BRIEFING REEL #1"

JOEL COURTNEY

Rusted old locker with old training video inside... hm, another point for LOST. Let's watch it.

RILEY GRIFFITHS

(watching film)

Aw, it says the monster is a lonely, stranded alien who just wants our help.

JOEL COURTNEY

And 80's Spielberg ties it up again!

RYAN LEE

According to the teacher's notes, he thinks he found a way to defeat the alien, if it turned against us. He called it the "Endgame Tautology"

(shows JOEL)

JOEL COURTNEY

(reading)

...I see. It's risky, but it just might work. Let's...

Just then the MILITARY BURSTS IN!

MAJOR MCCRUSTYFACE

Don't move! You see, kids, you made the mistake of being between two to five miles away from us, where we could spot you. Now, hands up!

CUT TO:

INT. MILITARY TRANSPORT

GABRIEL BASSO

This sucks hairy assballs! Sorry, I just wanted to improv one last line of dialogue before I cease to contribute to this movie in any way.

Suddenly the ALIEN ATTACKS THE BUS!!!!!

RYAN LEE

Oh crap! Quick, bust a window so we can escape!

The KIDS ESCAPE!

MAJOR MCCRUSTYFACE

Although I could also do that, and much more easily since I have a weapon, I choose instead to empty it uselessly at the alien even though I know it is futile!

(gets killed by alien)

AH WELL TIS A FITTING DESTINYYYYAAARRRGH!!

JOEL COURTNEY

C'mon guys, we need to find Elle Fanning and warn her!

CUT TO:

INT. MILITARY BASE

KYLE CHANDLER is being held prisoner.

KYLE CHANDLER

I should escape.

(escapes)

Now, off to the rescue!

(spots sign that reads "END OF MOVIE THIS WAY")

Perfect!

(runs off)

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE ELLE FANNING'S HOUSE

JOEL COURTNEY

(calling out)

Elle, are you here?

RON ELDARD

blah blah blah #pathetic loserness

JOEL COURTNEY

What's that, Ron? Elle's in trouble?!?

RON ELDARD

blah blah blah #drunken stupor

JOEL COURTNEY

Oh no, she got taken away by the big scary monster! Must think... if it's an Abrams-monster she could already be dead, but if it's an 80s-Spielberg-monster then she should still be alive! Well, I've gotta hope for the best! I'm comin' for ya, Elle!!

CUT TO:

EXT. BLANDSVILLE STREETS

The KIDS search for ELLE on their E.T. BIKES.

JOEL COURTNEY

This is a good sign! C'mon, 80s-Spielberg!

RILEY GRIFFITHS

Joel, how will we know where to look?

JOEL COURTNEY

Oh, about an hour ago I saw something alien-looking digging an enormous hole in someone's garage. Did I not mention that to anyone?

RYAN LEE

Guys, watch out for those malfunctioning military vehicles!

The KIDS are surrounded by EVERY SINGLE MISSILE AND BULLET EVER BUILT being FIRED DIRECTLY AT THEM.

JOEL COURTNEY

Wow, we should be dead, like 30,000 times over. That's a heap of 80s-Spielberg points right there. Hey, there's that garage I told you about! C'mon!

CUT TO:

INT. COOKIE-CUTTER HOME UNDERNEATH WHICH IS A BIG SCARY TUNNEL LEADING TO THE MONSTER'S LAIR

RYAN LEE

Why is everything in this house black and white with a big "DHARMA" label on it?

JOEL COURTNEY

Dammit, more LOST points! It's still too close to call!

The KIDS race into the TUNNEL.

JOEL COURTNEY

(whispering to himself)

It's okay, Joel, "Goonies" had a big scary tunnel too, she could still be fine...

CUT TO:

INT. ALIEN LAIR

RILEY GRIFFITHS

Look, Joel! It's Elle, hanging upside down along with a bunch of missing townspeople that we've heard vague references to!

JOEL COURTNEY

Quick, let's get her down before the blood pooling in her head causes irrevocable damage, which in reality would have already happened! And be sure to rescue a few minor characters as well, to provide cannon fodder for our escape.

SHERIFF

Hey, I'm still alive! Everyone assumed I died way back at the beginning, but...

The ALIEN LEAPS OUT and EATS THE SHERIFF!

SHERIFF

...AAAARRGGH THIS ISN'T VERY 80'S SPIELBERRRRGG!!!....

ALIEN

THAT'S RIGHT, PUNY HUMANS!! I AM A MEAN CLOVERFIELDY ALIEN AFTER ALL, HA HA HA!! NOW YOU ALL SHALL DIE!!!

(grabs JOEL)

RYAN LEE

NOOO!! Joel, quick, use the "Endgame Tautology"!!

JOEL COURTNEY

(struggling)

WHAT?... Oh, you mean the "E.T."!!

(stares directly at alien)

You need to... GO HOME.

ALIEN

HA HA HA!! YOUR PATHETIC ATTEMPTS TO DEFEAT ME SHALL...

(suddenly convulses)

G-GO H-HOME... EL-LIOTT....

(flailing)

....WHA-WHAT IS HAPPENING T-TO MEEEE....

(the ALIEN'S outer shell bursts)

RRRAAAAAAAGHHHH!!!!!

ELLE FANNING

Oh my God! There was another, adorable alien hidden inside, this whole time!

ALIEN

(blinking rainbow eyes)

Why... why yes! All along my kind, 80's-Spielberg self was fighting to get free. Thank you, kids!

(blows kisses, which turn into gumdrop ponies)

CUT TO:

EXT. BLANDSVILLE MAIN STREET

JOEL COURTNEY

Well, all that's left is to see the newly kind-hearted alien on his way.

ELLE FANNING

The kind-hearted alien that just ate half the town, you mean?

JOEL COURTNEY

Sshh!

KYLE CHANDLER

(rushing towards JOEL)

Phew! I've made it back, just in time to accomplish nothing at all this entire movie!!

JOEL COURTNEY

That's OK, Dad. Apparently the alien needs just one last piece of metal to finish his ship, and although any random scrap would do, I thought I'd give him this last memento of your dead wife. Hope that's okay with you, 'cause I already did it.

CUT TO:

EXT. MOUNT OLYMPIA CAMERA PRODUCTS

STEVEN SPIELBERG

A classic Spielbergian ending of cheesy optimism! What say you now, Abrams?

J.J. ABRAMS

Well, I guess you've won this challenge... or DID you?!?

STEVEN SPIELBERG

WHAAA?!?!??

J.J. ABRAMS

In case you didn't notice, the REAL winner was 1980s SPIELBERG! This whole movie has been my elaborate plan to summon him!

STEVEN SPIELBERG

But... but I'M 1980s Spielberg!

In a BOLT OF PURPLE TWILIGHT, 1980S SPIELBERG APPEARS!!

1980S SPIELBERG

Is THAT A FACT! Do you HONESTLY think that warmed-over fare like "Minority Report", "A.I.", and "War of the Worlds" hold a CANDLE to what I accomplished? Let me spare you the suspense by revealing the answer is NOT FUCKING HARDLY!! Now, I claim my revenge! GET HIM, J.J.!!

PRESENT-DAY SPIELBERG

Pshaw! Your lens flares are no threat to me...

J.J. ABRAMS

Oh no? What about lens flares that contain the light from the ARK OF THE COVENANT?!? Time for you to PHONE HOME, CRYSTAL NUMBSKULL!!

PRESENT-DAY SPIELBERG

(face melting)

WHAA... NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

(explodes)

1980S SPIELBERG

Excellent work, J.J.! We should team up more often!

J.J. ABRAMS

Well, I was thinking of doing that the rest of my career, if that's OK.

Over the CREDITS, we see RILEY GRIFFITHS' FILM, which is FUCKING HILARIOUS and is easily the HIGH POINT OF THE ENTIRE MOVIE.

END