FADE IN:

EXT. AUSTRALIAN OUTBACK - PROBABLY POST-APOCALYPTIC, NOT MUCH OF A DIFFERENCE REALLY

An informative HIGHLIGHT REEL from MAD MAX shows MEL GIBSON’S WIFE AND CHILD being MURDERED, whilst avoiding as much as possible all the footage of POLICE STATIONS and HOSPITALS and LAWYERS and anything else that makes it clear that these movies are barely set on the same PLANET.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Once, proud man built a civilization based on oil. Now the end has come, and what’s left of humanity wars over fuel, the one thing that makes the difference between life and death in these desolate wastelands.

(pause)

Seriously, the only thing. It’s like, who gives a shit about food, medicine and potable water, apparently all you need to survive in this blasted desert is the ability to drive from one indistinguishable pile of dust to another.

EXT. LONG STRAIGHT ROAD IN THE DESERT

MEL GIBSON and the most MELLOW DOG IN THE WORLD are speeding down the road fighting with motorcycle-riding VERNON WELLS and some other PSYCHOS in MUTANT DUNE BUGGIES because, um, reasons or something. Look nobody ever bought a movie ticket on the promise of awesome CONTEXT.

VERNON WELLS

GRRR, I’LL GET YOU MEL, FOR STEALING ALL MY NORMAL CLOTHES AND FORCING ME TO DRESS UP IN RANDOM SCRAPS OF CAR UPHOLSTERY AND CHROME DETAILING!! ALSO YOU SEEM TO HAVE STOLEN ALL OF MY SUBTLETY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH

DOG

Man these long drives are so tedious. Let me know when we get there, yeah?

(goes to sleep)

VERNON gets hit with a stray CROSSBOW BOLT and his friends CRASH LOUDLY.

VERNON WELLS

AAAHHH SHHIIIT! THAT’S IT, I’M GOING BACK TO MY GANG, WHICH I HANG AROUND FOR THE ENTIRE REST OF THE MOVIE AND IT’S NOT CLEAR WHY I WANDERED OFF IN THE FIRST PLACE!!

(leaves)

MEL happens upon a SEMI-TRACTOR TRUCK and STARES AT IT for long enough to make sure the AUDIENCE remembers it later. He then takes some FUEL from the crashed CARS, or rather he takes a USELESS SLURRY of FUEL, RUST, DIRT and BLOOD.

EXT. ANOTHER LONG, STRAIGHT ROAD IN THE DESERT

MEL is driving along when he spots a GYROCOPTER. He approaches it, only for a CROSSBOW-WIELDING BRUCE SPENCE to literally BURST OUT OF THE GROUND.

BRUCE SPENCE

Aha, I knew it would be a great plan to completely bury myself in the sand and just bake for hours in the hope that some victim would show up before I died of heat stroke! Much smarter than just hiding behind the four-foot-wide tree trunk that’s literally right behind me.

He goes to open the front door of MEL’S CAR, only for the DOG to leap out and attack him! Then MEL pulls a SHOTGUN on him.

BRUCE SPENCE

Shit! Okay okay, let me live and I’ll show you the way to a shanty town that has thousands of gallons of fuel! This sounds exactly like the kind of transparent bullshit a guy might pull out of his ass to keep from getting his head blown off, but just trust me!

BRUCE shows MEL to a HILL overlooking a TOWN made out of JUNK, at the center of which is a ramshackle OIL REFINERY. A gang of BANDITS are menacing the gates in their FRANKENCARS. BRUCE and MEL watch the BANDITS drive round and round.

They continue to watch the BANDITS drive round and round.

Later on, the BANDITS are driving round and round while MEL and BRUCE watch them.

Night falls. The BANDITS have been driving in menacing circles for like EIGHT HOURS, much as you would if you considered FUEL to be the most PRECIOUS RESOURCE IN THE WORLD. Finally they drive off to make camp, watched by MEL and BRUCE.

DIRECTOR GEORGE MILLER

Look, the story for this thing would barely fill in a postcard, you’ll have to expect the odd bit of padding.

Morning comes, and at last something HAPPENS! Several CARS speed out of the TOWN GATES and the BANDITS chase after them! The rearmost car is run off the road and a man and woman are pulled out.

BRUCE SPENCE

(watching through binoculars)

Ouch, they just pinned the man to his car with crossbow bolts. But they didn’t shoot the woman, nope, they’re just ripping off her clothes, and now they-

(looks shocked)

OH MY GOD THEY’RE RAPING HER! I WOULD NEVER HAVE GUESSED THAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN! Well, they’ve done raping her at least, so now what are they going to-

(looks shocked again)

MY WORD, THEY’VE KILLED HER! NEVER HAVE I SEEN SUCH AN OUTRAGE! ...You know, for a guy who lives in a savage bandit wasteland, I seem to be really fucking naive.

Leaving BRUCE chained to a TREE, MEL goes and unpins CROSSBOW BOLT GUY, then takes him to the TOWN. The TOWNSPEOPLE let him in.

MICHAEL PRESTON

Welcome to our crappy little dirt town! You can tell we’re the good guys because we have normal eighties haircuts, and instead of dressing like we blew up a tannery and just went with whatever scraps of leather happened to land on us, we’re dressed in Tatooine-style space farmer outfits.

ARKIE WHITELEY

Except me, I seem to have gotten lost on the way to the Physical music video.

VIRGINIA HEY

Whereas I’m a linebacker for some reason.

MICHAEL PRESTON

Now I suppose you want some of our fuel in exchange for bringing back Crossbow Bolt Guy, but he’s died now so fuck off!

VIRGINIA HEY

You’re a prick anyway, Mel, doing something intended to be helpful then expecting something in return. How monstrous! So now we’re going to steal your car, and kick you out to be torn to pieces by the violent mob just outside our gates. You’re still the jerk of course.

But before they can do that, the rest of the BANDITS return, led by KJELL NILSSON, a seven-foot-tall THING in a HOCKEY MASK and a GIMP SUIT.

KJELL NILSSON

So, we’ve learned that those people you sent out were trying to find some kind of semi-truck so you guys can ship your tanker of gasoline somewhere else. We can’t have that!

MICHAEL PRESTON

What’s “gasoline”? You mean petrol?

KJELL NILSSON

Shut up! We’re trying for US box office dollars this time, we have to cut down on the regional expressions or we’re stuffed! ...I mean screwed!

Suddenly some FERAL KID from the TOWN throws a BOOMERANG because AUSTRALIA. It improbably lodges in the brain of VERNON’S PRETTY-BOY SIDEKICK.

VERNON WELLS

NOOOO, THEY KILLED MY IMPLIED LOVER!! THAT’S IT, FROM NOW ON I WILL TRY RABIDLY TO KILL EVERYBODY IN THAT FUCKING TOWN RAAAHHH!!!

KJELL NILSSON

That’s all you ever do anyway.

VERNON WELLS

BUT NOW I DO IT FOR AN ADDITIONAL REASON!!!

(pause)

SO WE’RE JUST NOT GONNA NOTICE THAT THAT KID IS CLEARLY USING SOME KIND OF UNGUARDED BACK ENTRANCE INTO THE TOWN, HUH?

MICHAEL PRESTON

Okay Mel, tell you what, we’ll give you your car back if first you go fetch us that semi-truck from before. You can just sneak out past the bandits at night so they don’t chase and kill you.

(pause)

Huh. That’s probably what our guys should have tried earlier.

MEL sneaks past the BANDITS without incident. He tracks down BRUCE, who has fortunately not yet been killed by the HEAT or by THIRST or by PASSING CRIMINALS, then they take the GYROCOPTER over to the SEMI-TRUCK, and MEL drives it back to TOWN with much INCIDENT! Cars CRASH, SNAKES are thrown, MEL gets inside the TOWN with VERNON clinging to his side like a barnacle!

VERNON WELLS

RAAHH, APPARENTLY I HAVE A SLIVER OF SELF-PRESERVATION AFTER ALL, WHO KNEW!!

(flees town)

The TOWNSPEOPLE hook up the SEMI-TRUCK to their HUGE TANKER OF FUEL.

MICHAEL PRESTON

Huzzah, now we have the means to drive our massive fuel tanker to some kind of mythical beach paradise and live happily ever after!

(stares at tanker, frowns)

How the hell did we get this thing in here in the first place?

VIRGINIA HEY

I was wrong about you, Mel. Back when you did something to help us that happened to also be in your own self-interest, I thought you were a selfish ass; but now that you’ve done something else to help us that is also in your own self-interest, it’s clear that you’re a hero!

MICHAEL PRESTON

You should stick around and drive the tanker for us. What do you say, you feel like getting behind the wheel of a vehicle which an entire horde of murderous psychopaths will be trying to shoot, crash and destroy?

MEL leaves town.

MICHAEL PRESTON

Probably should have seen that coming.

BRUCE SPENCE

I’m leaving too, even though my ability to just fly past the bandits at any time would immediately make me pretty much the most valued and important guy in this town.

ARKIE WHITELEY

Ooh, you can get safely out of this bandit-magnet pile of dirt? Take me with you, I’m totally like attracted to you or whatever.

(pause)

Actually I’m not kidding. When we decide to stay with the townsfolk after all I continue to hang on Bruce’s arm, so I guess I really do have the hots for the guy even though he looks like a psychotic scarecrow who brushes his teeth with raw sewage.

(shrugs)

EXT. YET ANOTHER LONG, STRAIGHT ROAD IN THE DESERT

MEL is driving to WHO THE FUCK KNOWS WHERE when he is beset by BANDITS! They run his CAR off the ROAD and he CRAWLS from the WRECKAGE.

BANDIT

Aha, now let’s kill Mel’s dog, steal his fuel, and maybe ensure that Mel’s dead if we have time.

They KILL THE DOG and go to STEAL THE FUEL, but the GAS TANK is BOOBYTRAPPED and MEL’S CAR EXPLODES!

BANDIT

ARGH WHAT THE FUCK! WHY DIDN’T YOU MAKE THE BOOBY TRAP A SMALL EXPLOSIVE THAT JUST GOES OFF IN THE THIEF’S FACE? WHAT FUCKING GOOD IS A TRAP WHICH PROTECTS YOUR FUEL BY COMPLETELY DESTROYING YOUR CAR, I MEAN HOLY SHIT

(dies)

MEL lies DYING but then is RESCUED by BRUCE.

BRUCE SPENCE

Don’t worry, I’m here to save you. Because after you shoved a gun in my face, chained me up, starved me and left me to a likely death, I’ve gained an utterly baffling affection for you!

He takes MEL back to the TOWN.

MICHAEL PRESTON

Oh, so now you come crawling back and say you’ll drive our tanker after all? Well tough cheese, that offer’s off the table! We don’t need you anymore! And yes of course this is just macho posturing, here’s the keys.

EXT. THE LONGEST AND STRAIGHTEST ROAD IN ALL THE DESERT

The TOWNSPEOPLE speed off with MEL driving the TANKER and the BANDITS in PURSUIT! Everybody tries to SHOOT, STAB, CRASH INTO, BLOW UP and RUN OVER everybody else!

TOWNSPERSON

(throws fire bombs at cars)

So considering about half the action of the movie is in this sequence, anyone else wondering why the movie wasn’t called “The Entire Fucking Army of Road Warriors”?

(pulled off trailer, crushed by tires)

BANDIT

(fires grappling hook)

Fair point, especially seeings as Mel spends the lion’s share of this scene just driving in a straight line and could almost have been replaced with a cinder block on the accelerator.

(crashes into turned-over car, goes flying fifty feet)

MICHAEL PRESTON

(speared with trident)

I mean he does fire his shotgun a couple times, but other than that he’s basically playing the post-apocalypse expansion of Desert Bus.

(dies)

Once the FILM CREW has almost run out of CARS TO DESTROY and STUNT MEN TO MAIM, all of the GOOD GUYS turn their cars around and start driving in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION.

VERNON WELLS

(dangling off trailer grille)

HEY, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU SUDDENLY DRIVING RIGHT BACK THE WAY YOU CAME?! ARE YOU JUST GIVING UP AND GOING HOME FOR SOME REASON?!?

BRUCE SPENCE

Look, we can either have this one last super-awesome car stunt, or our actions can make any kind of sense right now. We stand by our decision.

Suddenly they come over a rise and the TANKER is driving HEAD-ON into KJELL!

KJELL NILSSON

I figure they’re going to swerve fi-

The TANKER smashes VERNON-FIRST into KJELL, killing them BOTH. Then it tips over and sprawls on its side, oh noooo! But wait, SAND is leaking out of it, whaaaat?

BRUCE SPENCE

Ah, so the fuel was never in the tanker! The townsfolk stowed barrels of fuel in their cars and used the tanker as a big distraction! Ingenious!

(pause)

Although why they had to fill the tanker with sand is a head scratcher. What was the point? Wouldn’t it have been easier to drive around if it were just empty? Where did you get that much sand anyway? I didn’t notice any sixteen-foot pits dug anywhere in your-

ARKIE WHITELEY

Just shut up and we’ll make you our new leader inexplicably, okay?

BRUCE SPENCE

YAY!

NARRATOR (V.O.)

And then we all drove safely to our beach paradise and became a big peaceful tribe. But thanks to his brooding loner bullshit, Mel didn’t come with us, and we never saw him again.

(pause)

Although we did hear about some kind of ridiculous nonsense involving Tina Turner in a fright wig and a town that runs on pig shit. Apparently he even gets to speak more than a couple dozen words in that one.

MEL GIBSON

Yeah, they really didn’t seem to want me saying much in this movie. Don’t know why. Probably part of the Jewish conspi

END IMMEDIATELY.