EXT. NEVERMORE ACADEMY

JENNA ORTEGA is standing outside the titular gates of Nevermore Academy.

JENNA ORTEGA

Hi, I'm Wednesday, the anti-conformist, anti-establishment, anti-social, anti-smile, anti-enjoyable Netflix goldmine. I will not be doing anything cute, adorable, relatable, feminine, aesthetically pleasing, or rhythmic — unless the script calls for it three times a season.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

I'm Morticia, the wiser, but also hotter, mom who still has to prove that she can be beautiful in her aged roles. Raising a family of death-loving goths who glorify violence and darkness is hard work. Sometimes I don't know where I get the strength to stare off into space, while the abyss stares back.

LUIS GUZMAN

I am Gomez Addams, the "we have Gomer Pyle at home" alternative. The internet lost its collective mind because I portray a Gomez who has gained a little weight. I keep forgetting that Gomez is famously known for his athletic and GQ presentation. My bad.

ISAAC ORDONEZ

I am…

JENNA ORTEGA

Being overshadowed by a better character. No one wants to see you pick your nose and fart around.

ISAAC ORDONEZ

Says who? How do you think Twitch got started?

THING

I'm Thing. I have the best lines in this series.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

Wednesday, please take this maguffin necklace, used to give you psychic visions.

I worry about your safety constantly, so I hope it doesn't push you into a supernatural murder mystery.

EMMA MYERS

Hello, Wednesday, welcome to the school of outcasts. I will be your nauseously bubbly roommate, Enid, who also turns into a werewolf, but refuses to until the third act. Let me give you a tour of this prestigious school. As you know, we host the has-beens and outcasts who are rejected by society or have used up their gimmick.

(waves)

Hi, Gorgons. Hi, Sirens. Hi, Werewolves. Hi, vampires. Hi, Beetlejuice. Hi, Deadpool. Hi, Kevin Sorbo. Hi, Rob Zombie's Munsters.

JENNA ORTEGA

My mom and dad are making me attend this school because I am a misunderstood loner who needs guidance in life.

EMMA MYERS

Oh, so we are using the Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice script. Yay for recycling.

JENNA ORTEGA

This feels like Harry Potter, minus the education.

EMMA MYERS

This is just like any school in midwestern America, clicky, archaic, and filled with dead white people. Luckily, you have me in your corner.

JENNA ORTEGA

I'm sorry you didn't get the audition for Wizards of Waverly Place, which I assume you have been practicing all your life for.

EMMA MYERS

Let's go to our dorm room so you can insult me some more with your deadpan jokes.

INT. NEVERMORE CLASSROOM- MORE CHARACTER INTRODUCTIONS

JENNA and EMMA are arguing when CHRISTINA RICCI appears to break it up.

CHRISTINA RICCI

Hi, I am Professor Thornhill, but you can call me Ms. Easter Egg McCallback. You two should really get along. This school can be hazardous. We have to worry about Hyde monsters lurking about, or worse, receiving the meager fan support as the Percy Jackson series.

(drops red herring)

PERCY HYNES WHITE

I am Xavier Thorpe. I like to draw pictures of people who have been recently mauled. I'm not sure if I am an angsty teen or an FBI profile.

(drops red herring)

RIKI LINDHOME

I am Dr. Kinbott, the therapist.

(drops red herring)

GWENDOLINE CHRISTIE

Sigh, I am Principal Weems, the hard-nosed school director who probably drinks during the day. I'm not taking any guff from Ms. Wednesday. We are a serious academy of higher learning that happens to be obsessed with blood, guts, and graveyard puns.

(drops red herring)

JENNA ORTEGA

Does anyone else need an introduction? Maybe some members of Game of Thrones want a shot at this episode.

PREP BOY

I am…MuRdEred By a ThE MonStER

(drops a blood herring)

JENNA ORTEGA

A mystery is afoot. I finally have a reason to stay at this school...besides the loads of money Netflix is throwing at me.

EXT. PILGRIM TOWN- FORMERLY YANKEE CANDLE TOWNSHIP

JENNA is snooping around the town.

JAMIE MCSHANE

Hi, I am Sheriff Galpin. I will be investigating the murders caused by a wild animal. So far, all my research into Twilight's plot has gotten me nothing.

JENNA ORTEGA

What if I helped you get the loot, the warrant, and the crook?

JAMIE MCSHANE

Sorry, I don't see how a protagonist goth girl could be any help in this dark YA series. The best I can do is give you a romantic interest. Tyler?

HUNTER DOOHAN

I am Tyler, a coffee barista with a disarming sense of vulnerability and a penchant for avoiding my past in conversation. Do you mind if I melt away your anti-social armor?

JENNA ORTEGA

Fine, but this better be the last introduction. I think Enid is getting her self-esteem back, and I am overdue for devaluing her.

MOOSA MOSTAFA

I am Eugene, the bee…

JENNA ORTEGA

(dropkicks Eugene out of the scene)

INT. SECRET ROOM- NUMBER 7 OF 60,080

JENNA finds a secret room inside a statue where she sees photos of her parents.

JENNA ORTEGA

All I had to do was snap twice to find the secret entrance. I'm glad the Sharks and the Jets don't come here, or this place would be open non-stop. There's a hidden room in every episode, and each one features a picture of my mom making out with my dad. I get it, Catherine Zeta-Jones, you were a hot fox at this school, and you loved it when dad drooled on you.

PERCY HYNES WHITE

You need to stay away from Tyler. He is bad news.

(draws a picture of a monster killing the next victim)

JENNA ORTEGA

There's a boy who can turn people to stone and a girl who can force people to do her will with her voice. Everyone in this school is dangerous. I am surprised the government hasn't turned this school into a CIA black site.

PERCY HYNES WHITE

Well, if you ever need some support, we have a secret society called the X-Men…I mean, the Nightshades.

INT.THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE

GWENDOLINE gives JENNA a lashing for getting into all types of YA hijinks.

GWENDOLINE CHRISTIE

You are skating on thin ice, dear.

JENNA ORTEGA

You know what they say about ice: it cracks under pressure.

GWENDOLINE CHRISTIE

All that pressure is going to blow up in your face.

JENNA ORTEGA

You know what they say about faces, they tend to break out.

GWENDOLINE CHRISTIE

You need to get yourself under control and be obedient to authority.

JENNA ORTEGA

You know what they say about authority: they get desperate when they are powerless.

GWENDOLINE CHRISTIE

Are you going to make vague and dark references to everything an adult says??!

JENNA ORTEGA

You know what they say about vague and dark references, they tend to make up 80% of the script.

INT. THE RAVE DANCE UNDER THE STARS OCEAN PROM

NEVERMORE ACADEMY holds its tenth rally/dance/gala of the week, prompting the school board to wonder if any of the funding goes toward education.

PERCY HYNES WHITE

Hey, Wednesday. Would you like to go to the Rave Dance Under the Stars Ocean Prom? If not, we can go to tomorrow's Grave Enchantment In Wonderland Mixer. If you are not free, then we can go to the Zombie Autumn Winter Sleigh Ride…

JENNA ORTEGA

Fine, I will go to something social. But you have to tell me why you are always around when the monster murders someone.

PERCY HYNES WHITE

Drawing pictures of everyone about to die does not make me a killer. You are such a cold-hearted loner. And to think, I was going to draw a picture of you, but now I won't.

At the dance, JENNA does her meme-worthy dance that got the internet so flippin' excited. Seriously, she looks like a Tickle Me Elmo got hit with a taser.

MOOSA MOSTAFA

My name is Eugene and…

(gets attacked by the monster)

INT. COFFEE HOUSE THAT THINKS PUMPKIN SPICE IS AN $8.99 DRINK

HUNTER starts to warm up to JENNA.

JENNA ORTEGA

You might be a normie, but I think I can trust you with feelings.

(starts to represent the beginning of an emotion)

HUNTER DOOHAN

Ummm…normie is our word. You can't say it.

(pauses)

I know this is a bit forward, and you have a pool of only two straight cisgender males to choose from, but I want a romantic relationship with you.

JENNA has a vision of HUNTER transforming into the HYDE MONSTER.

JENNA ORTEGA

Every time I get romantically involved with a boy, he is either gay or a flesh-eating monster. Every. Time.

INT. BACK AT THE DORM ROOM

FRED ARMISEN, who probably gets paid hourly to cameo in every show he is in, plays Uncle Fester.

FRED ARMISEN

I am craaaaaaaaaaaaazy.

(eats pizza with pineapple on it)

JENNA ORTEGA

Uncle, you must help me solve these murders.

FRED ARMISEN

Absolutely kooky!!!!

(wears white after Labor Day)

JENNA ORTEGA

I know you are running from the law, but I think your expertise can still be of help.

FRED ARMISEN

Positively spooooooky!

(prefers Disney Live Action over the animated movies)

JENNA ORTEGA

I knew you would be on board!

INT.VARIOUS SCHOOL ROOMS

JENNA starts to accuse different faculty of being the master of the Hyde Monster.

JENNA ORTEGA

You were controlling Tyler this whole time, admit it!

GWENDOLINE CHRISTIE

Nope.

JENNA ORTEGA

You activated Tyler using a special hypno-therapy.

RIKI LINDHOME

Lol. Guess again.

JENNA ORTEGA

Obviously, you are the mastermind behind this evil plot.

TIM BURTON

I direct this fluff. Someone has to write it.

THE NIGHTSHADES tell JENNA that the Hyde's master used to be LAUREL GATES. For those who are keeping a tight journal of all the names and lore, put Laurel Gates in the category under EXTRA NAMES THAT WON'T MEAN MUCH.

INT. THE POLICE STATION

SHERRIFF MCSHANE has to chastise JENNA one more time.

JAMIE MCSHANE

That's it, Addams, you are off the case! Hand in your My Chemical Romance badge and get out of here. And for the last time, Wednesday, my moderately handsome son is not a destructive monster who eats people.

HUNTER DOOHAN

(puts on a bib and grabs a fork and knife)

JAMIE MCSHANE

You are way off, and I will throw the book at you for false imprisonment and torture of my son.

HUNTER DOOHAN

(licks his lips while looking at Jenna)

JAMIE MCSHANE

You should be kicked out of the Nevermore Academy.

HUNTER DOOHAN

(puts mustard on Jenna's head)

INT. BOTANY CLASS

JENNA makes a significant discovery.

JENNA ORTEGA

Professor Thornhill! I don't believe it.

CHRISTINA RICCI

What, that I was controlling the Hyde monster to hide my secret identity?

JENNA ORTEGA

No, that someone actually teaches a class in an academy that has bonfires, dances, and coffee mixers all the time.

CHRISTINA RICCI

Just so the audience doesn't get confused by all the generic white women, I killed the other red herrings: Dr. Kinbott and Principal Weems. It's just me!!

The Hyde Monster, HUNTER, chases down JENNA, EMMA, and their FRIENDS. EMMA goes full WEREWOLF and starts PUMMELING HUNTER HALF TO DEATH.

JENNA ORTEGA

Now that I think of it, we have a whole roster of weaponized students. This bug-eyed Gollum should have been killed day one.

HUNTER DOOHAN

Wait, don't kill me! We need a "will-they, won't-they" romantic tension in season 2.

(escapes)

JENNA dies via plot heightening. Her ancestor, GHOST ADDAMS, gives her a SECOND CHANCE at life…which she will probably blow on some ROM COM that tanks.

GHOST ADDAMS

I am Ghost Adda…

JENNA ORTEGA

Introductions were ten pages ago! Just do your thing.

JENNA comes back to life and helps knock out CHRISTINA RICCI with the help of MOOSA'S BEES

JENNA ORTEGA

Looks like this case just minded its own

(puts on shades)

Beeswax.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

Wednesday, you did it! You uncovered our family secrets, aggravated a murderer, obstructed justice, and almost smiled five times. We are so proud of you.

LUIS GUZMAN

Way to keep up the family name. Addams will always represent illegal violent activities and creepy puns.

EMMA MYERS

And just in time for the last few school dances/galas/homecomings/mixers/bootleggers/and celebrations.

NETFLIX EXEC

Obviously, we have a sequel planned, but how do you feel about rebooting Three's Company, CHiPS, Million Dollar Man, or Mod Squad? How about a female Crypt Keeper?

DISNEY EXEC

Stop hogging the Jenna. Jenna, would you like to be a Sith, a Jedi, or a Disney Princess?

PARAMOUNT EXEC

We will make a Star Trek spinoff in your name.

PEACOCK EXEC

Ummm…can you please subscribe to Peacock? We need all the help we can get.

(holds breath)

JENNA ORTEGA

(almost smiles)

THE END